Monday, March 31, 2008

Boone Logan's Goatee

2006: "I believe I am still capable of being attractive with facial hair"

2007: "I think goatees look better if you can see them"

2008: "I am housing endangered species in my goatee, and also may kill you if given the chance"

Sox 8, Indians 10

He was safe, but more on this later

It's been a while, but after a game like today, you've just got to talk about what happened from an online betting standpoint. Before I get too swept up, though, let's get some things straight:

The Good:

#1. Jim Thome. Normally, you'd look at the stats and expect Thome to have a lousy game today. Hitting against a tough lefty like CC would usually spell doom for Thome, but Jimmy went deep twice and provided half of our run total for the day.

#2. The offense in general. All of the role players did their job today. Crede, Cabrera, Paulie, Swisher, and AJ all provided pop when needed. Jermaine Dye was especially impressive, coming off of his quiet Spring Training.

#3. Nick Masset. Can't complain here. Nick barely made the roster (Wassermann is probably the better pitcher, but Nick eats innings and was out of options), and came in early after a short outing from Buerhle. Even so, Nick pitched 4+ innings of shutout ball, allowing us to come back from an early deficit. Nice.

The Bad:

#1. Juan Uribe and Alexei Ramirez. Neither one of these guys should be in a White Sox uniform. Neither of them can hit the ball if it's moving. The two of them racked up 3 Ks apiece, and effectively left 6 runners on base. I understand that we're probably stuck with Uribe at 2B for the year, but there's no reason to start Ramirez in CF. Both Anderson and Quentin are better defensively, and Owens should be back soon.

#2. Octavio Dotel and Mark Buerhle. Neither one of them looked pretty. Buerhle got molested by the long ball (which is tough to do with that big wall in left field), and Dotel put himself into a bad spot and finished the game for us with a fat meatball down the middle. I expect both of them to bounce back, but you never know.

#3. Intangibles. Ah yes, the intangibles. We'll start with the umpiring crew.

See, I'm OK with one bad call. It happens. Umps don't get enough credit for trying, etc etc. However, when you get dicked by THREE bad calls in a game (two in a row, mind you) that affect the outcome of the game directly, then you get a little pissed off. For those of you that were watching the game on StatTracker or some other web-based game log, let me fill in the blanks for you.

Bad Call #1: Sox at bat. Konerko is on 3rd, two outs. AJ hits what could be an RBI single and hustles to first. Throw is in time, but off the mark. Ryan Garko makes the catch, but it pulls his foot off the bag before the catch is made. AJ is called out anyways.
White Sox Nega Runs: 1 and counting.

Bad Call #2:
Sox at bat. Bases loaded for Orlando Cabrera. Cabrera hits a sharp one to left, and there's going to be a play at the plate. The throw is in time, but off the mark, and the catcher needs to adjust in mid-air. Crede slides under the tag, and all replays show the tag was missed. Crede is called out, and needs to be restrained by Jim Thome. Still no sign of Ozzie.
White Sox Nega Runs: 2 and counting.

Bad Call #3:
Just moments after Crede is called out. Bases still juiced, now one out. AJ batting. AJ hits a chopper to the pitcher, which is given to the SS for the double play. Cabrera slides feet-first, and uses his hands to try and break up the play (a suitable revenge because he got annihilated on a DP attempt earlier in the game while playing SS himself). The SS get slapped in the thigh, and stops his throw to first after stepping on the bag (he probably wouldn't have made it, as he was late getting the ball out). Cabrera is called out on interference, resulting in a double-play.
White Sox Nega Runs: 3 and counting.

So, in reality, it's possible that even with Dotel coughing up the lead, the Sox still could have won 11-10. I'm not saying that the world is out to get the Sox, but I AM saying that baseball does need the benefit of instant replay. It really turned things around today.

Also, I'd like to thank the Cubs for losing today. It has eased my pain, if ever so slightly.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Fuck you San Francisco!

Suck it!

Because Drew Rosenhaus is a a shitbag, the 49ers will give the Bears their 5th round pick and swap 3rd rounders (with the Bears moving up 5 spots).

Apparently, the 49ers made illegal contact with Rosenhaus last season, violating the anti-tampering rule. (Story here.) I have a sneaking suspicion that Rosenhaus probably called the niners GM 5 million times trying to get a verbal offer so that he could blackball the Bears for more cash.

Stop calling me needle dick!

This is fantastic news.
Moral of the story: the Bears organization is like the island on Lost- you can try to leave but it's inevitable that the Bears will get the best of you.

Friday, March 21, 2008

The Bulls Suck

I could've stayed home and masturbated...

If anyone was stupid enough to stop watching the NCAA tournament last night and saw the Bulls "game", you probably felt like we would have put up a better fight with a college roster.

Last I remember, we were losing by around 30 and Tony Parker looked like Michael Jordan. I thought maybe I had drank too much, but alas no, we just fucking suck balls. We have no defense, our offense consists of Luol Deng and Ben Gordon shooting a lot and Samurai Gooden getting some weakly defended layups.

What happened to our team?

More importantly, how can we let a queef like Tim Duncan talk shit about us like this after the game??:

"Luckily enough we have a game tomorrow so we didn't have to go back into the game in the fourth quarter."


I just checked the box score and Larry Hughes (you know, the guy who's famous from this AWESOME blog: shot 4-12 in just 28 minutes.

We could probably make a solid lineup with Gooden, Hinrich and Deng at the core... why not make a REAL fucking trade already and finally get someone that can score in the post? The draft is coming up although we are still mathematically in the playoff hunt... is it too early to hope for losses?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Jesus christ, look at those calves

One of the most meaningful moments of my entire life was attending the Revie Sorey All-Pro Football Camp as a coach back when I was a ripe 17 years of age.

For those of you unfamiliar with Revie, he was an O-linesman for the Bears and blocked for Walter Payton.

Back then, it was the Revie Sorey-Ryan Wetnight All Pro camp. Now it's the John Gilmore - Revie Sorey camp, so essentially they swapped out slow crappy white TE for slow crappy black TE. Regardless, it's the exact same camp and it's an awesome way to spend a week. I played ball with Luke Butkis and a few D1 studs, I caught passes from Erik Kramer, I watched Singletary run through drills and I even got mistaken for a legitimate college athlete (which I wasn't).

My most memorable moment at camp, was sitting around late at night and shooting the shit with Revie. Let me tell you, this is one of the nicest guys I've ever met.

Additionally, he has abnormally monstrous calves.

Like, insanely girthy tree trunk appendages than keep him anchored to the center of the earth.

If you look at the photo above, that's Revie with a legitimate NFL player who spends countless hours in the gym and probably leg presses a few thousand pounds. Revie's calves make his calves look like 2 needle dicks. It's absolutely insane.

So... 2 thoughts:
1) If you read this and are 10-18, you should definitely go here.
2) If you've ever seen a person with larger (at least mainly muscle) calves, I'd like to know about it.

You can read up about the camp here:
Great article about Revie here:

Friday, March 14, 2008

New impact guys for 08

Looking towards this season, the Bears have some pretty solid talent coming off the IR from the past few drafts:


I love me a good mullett and I love me a good interior D-linesman. This guy is going to be good and was meant to replace Tank until he got hurt. Let's see what the honkey can do!


“He has a lot of talent,” Smith said. “He’s what we’re looking for at that (weakside) linebacker position. He doesn’t have great size, but he has skill, good quickness, good speed, his change of direction is real good and he’s been a playmaker. We’re anxious to put him into the mix.”

Nice. And Lovie is never one to mince words either.


This guy is just a straight playmaker. He was in 3 games last year, didn't do much but didn't look out of place, even with Manning, Tillman and Archuleta out there. God I hope he can replace Archuleta- this guy misses more tackles than TPC gets handjobs from older men (ie: a lot).

All in all, I think we have a strong class of players coming back from various injuries this season and it should give us some young depth to look forward to in case the Bears fuck up the draft. Which would be picking any offensive player in the first round.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Brandon Lloyd

Is this guy the real deal or did we just get screwed?

I mean, he makes some nice catches but his stats aren't impressive and he doesn't look too quick. We still need a deep threat (even with Hester in there) and I don't think Lloyd gives us that dimension.

I think Moose - Booker is a push but Berrian to Lloyd is a clear downgrade and we haven't really done anything to offset that issue. However, if we draft a WR, I will kill Jerry Angelo with my own two hands. Why didn't we go after Stallworth?

Lloyd was decent for a few weeks on the 49ers but that's about all I can remember of him (not a good sign, since I remember some pretty obscure shit).

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Bill Simmons what if...

Big Bill had a speculative article yesterday about what would have happened if Jay Williams wasn't a fucktard and if the Bulls got Garnett for Deng, Chandler and the #4 pick.

14. What if Jason Williams never crashed his motorcycle?

"I predicted Williams (the No. 2 pick in 2003) would be a better pro than Yao Ming (the No. 1 pick).

Well, you know what? I was right. I was DEAD right.

A lightning-quick, physical 6-footer who would have been unstoppable after they changed the hand-check rules in 2004, Williams had his moments as a rookie, including the 26-14-13 he slapped on J-Kidd and the Nets. He would have been a stud. There's no doubt in my mind. But Williams stupidly crashed his motorcycle that summer -- I say "stupidly" because there's no acceptable scenario when a professional athlete with a chance to sign a $70 million contract some day should ever own a motorcycle -- and that was that. How did Jay's injury change what transpired with Chicago over the next five years? Imagine Utah only getting one season out of Deron Williams and you have some idea."

Fuck, he is totally right. Look at the renaissance in PG's accross the league since the rule change: Chris Paul, Deron Williams, Gilbert Arenas, Baron Davis, Tony Parker and a revitalized Nash and Kidd.

JW would have been nasty. And that was back when we had a decent nucleus (even after the Brand/Artest mistake). JW, Curry, Chandler, Crawford and Pfizer (WTF happened to HIM? He didn't even get in a mortercycle accident!). Still... that's a solid squad. We also got Deng and Bogo in the next draft.


Scroll down to 13b. "What if Kevin McHale had taken Chicago's "Godfather" offer for KG before the 2006 draft?"

"...Meanwhile, Chicago would have ended up with Garnett, Kirk Hinrich, Ben Gordon, Andres Nocioni and the typical flood of discount free agents and February buyout guys who follow a guy like KG, and on top of that Garnett would have ignited Chicago as a basketball city just like he ignited Boston (and potentially pushed the Bulls into the NBA Finals in a weak conference last spring). Instead, they gave away Chandler, turned Aldridge into Ty Thomas and wasted all their cap space on Ben Wallace. So, um ... that kind of sucked. "

Well, that makes is sound pretty bad.

Then I remember that it IS pretty bad. Not only did we pass on KG, but we also passed on Aldridge (which might end up being as bad) and we lost chandler for nothing, who is playing good ball in NO.

Well, "what if's" are really a waste of time. Shit happens and you make the best of it.

At least we've got this guy:

Monday, March 10, 2008

Hooray for boobies!

If you click on the picture, it will get bigger (unlike the TPC's manhood).

Thanks to our friends at With Leather, we were made aware of a contest over at to rank the hottest ice girls across the NHL. As of right now, the Ice Girls from Chicago are in 1st place with 21% of all votes.

This reminds me of the LovaBulls post from a while back... yeaaaargh. -shudders-


Friday, March 7, 2008

Doing in Distress

You can achieve that same effect with loved ones with a well-timed Dutch Oven

As you may (or may not) have noticed, the Dong has been a little barren as of late. As the de-facto leader and majority poster, it's my responsibility to keep you busy with the latest and greatest Chicago Sports News.

Unfortunately, a change in employment has seen my time ultimately consumed -- and in a place with monitored internet to boot! As such, I'm finding it extremely taxing to create one post a day, if that (see: yesterday).

I don't want to say this is the end of the Dong -- we worked too hard to bring you some of the best the web has to offer. As it stands, we just don't have the manpower to bring you the entertainment you deserve. From here on out, we're looking at maybe one post a day, if that. It's that bad.

Tell us what you want to see, and we shall listen. Otherwise, this may be the end of Luol's Phallic Providence as we know it.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

MIA: Tyrus Thomas

When's this kid going to show up?!?!

Apparently the moron skipped practice yesterday and got served with a 2 game suspension.

Per minute, Tyrus is extremely productive but he just can't seem to keep his shit in order for more than 10-20 minutes a game. Where does he fit in the long term plans? Is he the SF of the future? Are we going to trade him? SO FRUSTRATING.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

OK, on three: GranpaWolfhouseLandfillGreatGamGamandAmerica!

Standing up for what makes this country great.

Just when you thought no one cared about the good of this country, there are people that are willing to stand up and do what's right:

Chris Singleton is getting out of the White Sox broadcast booth, and in his place, we get Steve Stone.

This is amazing on multiple levels -- first of all, I don't think anyone liked Singleton. He sounds half-asleep when talking, and fully asleep otherwise. He provided nothing for Farmer to work with, and the two of them just didn't seem to have any chemistry from the get-go. Best of all, the Sox didn't have to fire him -- ESPN wanted him. Where else can you get a dry commentator who doesn't have the ability to put together a coherent sentence? Oh yeah. ESPN.

To further sweeten the deal, we get Steve Stone (a recent convert) to provide much needed color commentary. Stone filled in for a couple games last year, and really brought some of the action to life. He's generally well-liked, and doesn't have an incontinence issues.

I approve.


Fuck You THREE Times

Told ya.

Marty Booker inked to a two-year contract (one year too many) with the Bears yesterday, giving the Bears a body that they can call their WR#1 to avoid giving Hester a huge payday as the best receiver on the squad. He should provide some friendly experience for Hester and Davis, and probably came cheap (contract terms were not disclosed).

That's pretty much it for the good news. The bad news is, this means the Bears are done upgrading the receiving core. This is a desperation "well, we better do SOMEthing" move, and signals a shift in planning. If Booker is the answer to our receiving problems, lord knows the answer to our O-Line problems.

Hopefully we trade our pick and Mark Bradley to get a slightly higher pick with which to take Otah or Long. Bradley was demoted to 8th (?) receiver last year, can't stay healthy, and makes Peter Warrick look like a success.

Please -- do it.

In other news, The Grudge Match of the Damned has been delayed due to a lack of contestants. If you have any ideas for competitors, leave them in the comments and I'll post one as soon as I get something to work with.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Renting Griese

I hate ballet

Another day, another shrewd move by the Bears. Just two years into a 5-year deal, the Bears dealt Brian Griese back to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for a 2009 draft pick.

I can't imagine how this deal could have gone any better.

First of all, we don't have to pay Griese's $300,000 bonus. We also don't have to deal with yet another mediocre QB creating a controversy next year. We save cash, and best of all, we get something BACK -- and all we did was borrow him from the Bucs for two years!

Unfortunately, the Bears also announced that they have no plans to pursue Ayanbadejo, so we'll see if the Bears have some mast plan (if any) on what to do with the money surplus.

My guess? Re-negotiate contracts with Harris, Urlacher and Hester, and spend the rest of the offseason planning for the draft.

Lord help us if we don't get an offensive lineman...

Favre Retires

After 17 seasons of torturing the Bears, Brett Favre has announced his (likely official this time) retirement.





More importantly, this means that there's only ONE "Favre-esque" player in the league:

And he's all ours...(sob)...

Oh.....So THAT'S what he said...

It is right around this time of year that I really start getting pumped for baseball. Sure the season usually ends with severe disappointment, then followed by depression and longing for the season past. But right now, the proverbial world is our proverbial oyster. For us Cubs fans, this is what we dream about: the chance to start each season anew. What better way to celebrate the dawning of a new season, than with unbridled, blood curdling furious rage and a foreign language.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Are you fucking kidding me?

This is from the reputable folks at Scouts, Inc:

14. Chicago Bears -- Rashard Mendenhall, RB, IllinoisRecord: 7-9 Needs: QB, OL, RB, DT, SPrevious mock selection: Brian Brohm, QB, LouisvilleOffensive tackle is certainly a possibility, especially with Clady, Williams and Otah all emerging as solid first-rounds prospects behind Jake Long. However, if Clady and Williams are off the board, don't be surprised if GM Jerry Angelo takes advantage of this year's talented crop of running backs by selecting either Mendenhall or Jonathan Stewart with this pick. Either would provide more explosiveness and versatility than the team has seen from current starter Cedric Benson.


Please don't do this! It was a joke! We don't REALLY want to draft another RB in the first round... please, have mercy, let this be a cruel prank. Oh my god, I am literally sick from reading this. I have diarrhea. Jesus christ this is terrible... Who wrote this stupid fucking article? Todd McShay, eh?

Well, FUCK YOU, you irish sack of shit! Don't you go jinxing our draft with your crazy predictions. Are you insane? Do you realize what drafting this kid would do to our team? The fucking LAST thing we need is ANTOHER OVERPAID RUNNING BACK! GARRRRR!!!! Fuck! Oh yeah, and this will do wonders for Cedric Bensons confidence. Wonders.


Christ, I think i'm bleeding out of my anus. I had better call TPC and reschedule for tonight...

What The Hell Happened To: David Kelton

And the sad part is, he HAS the ball

David Kelton is an interesting case. He's not really that far removed from the majors, and as of this post, he's 29. His story requires a full re-telling. He was a spunky young 3B just trying to make his way to the majors...

And then the Cubs happened.

See, David picked a bad time to join the Cubs. The year was 2002, and the Cubs were in need of a 3B. The Cubs were in the middle of what would become a losing season (they finished 4th), and the door was closing on players like Bill Mueller and Fred McGriff.

Enter Kelton.

The Chicago Tribune, in all of their Cubbitude, decided that a losing season meant the perfect chance to herald Kelton as the messiah. He had hit .313 at AA Tennessee a season earlier, and the Tribune was not about to report on how bad the Cubs were on a daily basis.

Kelton became "the big news." The Tribune ran articles about his progression, about how he would replace any memories of Mark Grace forever, and so on. Kelton was touted as the next big thing, and the answer to all of the Cubs' problems. After enough media coverage, people were clamoring for Kelton in 2003, even though he hadn't even had a full season in AAA.

Unfortunately for Kelton, the Cubs were in "for the love of God, win now" mode, throwing money at their problems. The All-Star Break of 2003 brought the Cubs Aramis Ramirez, and forced Kelton to learn the outfield on short notice. The Cubs brought him up by the end of 2003, but he flopped horribly in his debut.

In 2004, Kelton spent the entire year in Iowa trying to learn how to play LF. Again, Moises Alou was still filling the slot -- Kelton would have no place to play. Luckily for Kelton, he put together a great year in AAA Iowa (hitting .290), and Moises Alou got into a fight with Steve Stone on a plane and the Cubs declined to pick up his option after numerous claims of fighting with umpires.

The Tribune media blitz went into full-swing, and it was Kelton time again. With Alou gone, Kelton could show the world how he was SO GREAT and adapted from 3B to LF in just one season and how he would save the Cubs yet again. Kelton was given the keys in 2005...

...and promptly crashed into the ivy. Kelton had a Brian Anderson-esque average of .254 with an equally pathetic OBP of .254. His fielding was shoddy at best, and the whole thing turned into a disaster. The Tribune, quick with the hype machine, pronounced Matt Murton as the next savior, and the spotlight promptly left Kelton, who was unceremoniously dumped.

He was picked up by Atlanta for the 2006 season.

What the hell happened to David Kelton?

David was cut by Atlanta halfway through the 2006 season and decided to hang up his cleats. The game had not been "very very good to him" like certain ex-Cubs outfielders, and he decided that he was done with the game.

Most recently, Kelton decided to go to his wife's hometown, and was spotted at her alma mater serving as the Springwood Wildcats Heard Varsity Coach for the 2007 season.

He is still coaching to this day.

More Bears FA's

Keggers just made some Coldstone Creamery in his pants

Lost in all of the Briggs and Berrian news is that Brendon Ayanbadejo is ALSO a Free Agent. In a year where Urlacher (despite claims) may NOT be 100%, we can't just leave the entire defense to Briggs.

Ayanbadejo is best known because of his work with brother (and steroid abuser) Femi at, where the two of them wander around shirtless (it's no wonder Keggers found this first). Ayanbadejo also may have done some other things like make the Pro Bowl last year, but that's hardly of importance around here. These are two young guys that are allergic to any fabric on their chests.

You can't make this stuff up.

Here are some images of these two men at work that are sure to keep Keggers "hard" at work:


These hoods aren't for the KKK -- we're with the Gay Gay Gay.

Taking a break from the McDonald's deep-fryer for a quick photo-op

Someone get that chick out of the frame -- she's ruining the vibe!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

I Wish I Could Quit You

Clown hair is where it's at

I've been a huge Brian Anderson supporter since day one. It's not just that he's the only legit CF that the Sox have, but it's also that he's good at what he does. Anderson is a great fielder, and he's really a great hitter.

And it pains me to see him succeed like this.

See, Anderson has been tearing it up in Spring Training. He's gotten at least one hit in every game, and has been on par with Alexei Ramirez in terms of eye-catching. Lots of good contact, and he's turning heads.

Problem is, Anderson is fighting for a backup spot. The Sox committed themselves to Ramirez (who has practically won the 2B job) and Carlos Quentin, and they're not about to let some 2006 failure take those spots away from them. The outfield is packed, really. They have Swisher and Dye as locks, and Owens and Quentin are probably the last two slots. Anderson (and Crede) are both expected to be traded, and as good as Anderson is playing, it just makes him more likely to be trade bait.

Anderson can't win here. The better he plays, the more we can get from a trade. If he plays worse, he gets traded for sucking. There's no way Anderson can displace Owens because Owens is the master of the infield hit (which equals Ozzie love). Ozzie loves speed and energy, two things Owens has (along with Ozuna). Anderson is already in the doghouse, and shows signs of becoming the next Joe Borchard.

More importantly, Kenny Williams has his hands full with people he needs to trade before opening day. Uribe, Crede, Day, Macdougal, and Massett will all likely find new homes by the end of March. What more could Anderson do to make himself an attractive toss-in? He's young, full of potential, and about to be someone else's problem.

I'm just hoping he makes the roster as a reserve outfielder so that when Owens has his usual injury at some point, we can use Anderson in CF.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Breaking: Bears Sign Briggs

No Lance, Thank You

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. The Bears just announced a six-year deal for Lance Briggs today, and I couldn't be happier. Briggs is easily the best defensive player on the team (yes, better than Urlacher, I said it), and he's worth every penny. I say "every penny" without a specific amount because this news is so breaking that the terms of the deal haven't been disclosed yet.

Rather than prattle on about Briggs, I'll just let the website do it:

"Ranked by most publications as one of the top players on the open market, Briggs will return to the Bears after agreeing to a deal that runs through 2013. The 2003-third-round pick has been selected to the Pro Bowl each of the past three seasons.

In 2007, Briggs ranked second on the Bears with 140 tackles and led the team with 10 tackles-for-loss. The Arizona product also had two sacks, one pass breakup two forced fumbles and one fumble recovery."

I'm pissed about losing Berrian -- it's true. I also wanted the Bears to make a run at Faneca.

Briggs more than makes up for it.

Next on our shopping list: Go get us some offensive linemen!

Bye Bye Berrian

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you use the franchise tag. In one quick move, Berrian is now a Viking, with $16 million guaranteed. What do we get? Nothing.

Had we gone with the non-exclusive tag, we could have signed Berrian for much less than he just made, and traded him to the Raiders for their first round pick. Or even to the Vikings.

Basically, we just got robbed.

They had better be talking to Briggs right now...