Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Free Shit Inbound


My inability to use spell check aside, it seems that Luol's Dong is going to be getting some freebies to hand out for you lucky readers! After our latest resurrection, we garnered some huge headlines (Dong Refuses to Stay Flaccid, Dong is Ready for Action) and were given a chance to give the readers some free crap. These range from DVDs of things that you may actually watch on your own time to, well, general "Free Shit."

Keep your eyes peeled for details, as we're going to be running a series of contests to get rid of all of this stuff. The first of many "Dong and Pony Show" contests will occur sometime this week to determine the first batch of winners.

Stay tuned.

UPDATE: And by "this week," I mean after Labor Day. Makes getting shipping done right a bitch.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I'm Starting To Like This Obama Guy

Right uni, wrong number

If this doesn't put a smile on your face to start the day, I don't know what will:

Stuart Scott: “If your vice president had to be an athlete, who would you pick?”

Obama: “Well, I'll tell you what. I'm a Chicago guy, so I'm thinking Walter Payton. ‘Sweetness.’ That guy had durability -- he could block as well as run. Michael -- doesn't lose, and, since I haven't won the presidency yet, that wouldn't be a bad teammate to have. I'd just keep on feeding him and figure he'd hit the last shot.”

Scott: “If the Cubs and the White Sox both make it to the World Series?

Obama: “I would be going.”

Scott: “Who would you root for?

Obama: “Oh, that's easy. White Sox. I'm not one of these fair weather fans. You go to Wrigley Field, you have a beer, beautiful people up there. People aren't watching the game. It's not serious. White Sox, that's baseball. Southside.”

Truth from a polititian. You've got my vote!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Dinner With Ditka


Well, not really. See, we invited Iron Mike to some fancy wine and dine to talk about this year's Bears team, but we were promptly told to fuck off by his media relations personnel. I KNEW we should have changed the name of the blog to "Mike's Ditka."

Anyways, since the big guy himself couldn't answer our questions, we decided to dig into the piggy bank of Ditka quotes for answers.

Luol's Dong: Orton won the starting job, but some are convinced that it's more of an "addition by subtraction." Do you think the media just picks on Grossman?
Mike Ditka: I think it's a wise pick. Success isn't permanent and failure isn't fatal. What's the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter? In 6 weeks, the puppy will stop whining.
LD: You seem to know your stuff on QB's.
MD: You'll notice I never pick on a player who has a number above 30.

LD: OK, so what about Devin Hester's new contract?
MD
: Yeah, I like that, ... And I didn't mind what he said on TV, either.
LD: You mean his
comments about treating him like an "expensive girlfriend?"
MD: I've never seen a performance like that. The ones who want to achieve and win championships motivate themselves.


For more on Mike, check back later

History In The Making

Primitive versions of "Test Your Might"

Ladies and gentlemen, we stand on the cusp of what could be the greatest and most rare occurrence in sports history:

It is very possible that both the Yankees AND Red Sox will miss the playoffs.

For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about - go back to Russia. For the rest of you, let's examine what needs to occur for this wondrous occasion:

#1. In order for this to happen, the Wild Card needs to come from the AL Central. Seeing as the White Sox are .5 games back from the lead (currently held by Boston) as of Sunday morning, this doesn't seem too impossible.

#2. Tampa Bay has to win the AL East. They're
about 5 games up on Boston, and have been leading the way all season. Barring a monumental collapse, this seems very likely.

The stakes are high - East Coast cockiness is on full alert since the Pay-tree-uhts shipped the 19-0 hats to Ethiopia, and having their two "sure things" get eliminated from the playoffs would be the finishing blow. I expect the following events to occur if both teams are eliminated:

#1. ESPN's pre-playoffs coverage will focus around the health of Tom Brady, and occasionally point out that each divisional champ is "probably" not much better than the Red Sox. Playoff coverage will almost completely evaporate unless ESPN is covering the game, in which case the announcers will likely committ Seppukku.

#2. Both the Red Sox and Yankees will revert to their old "Win Now" habits of throwing money at their problems. This will continue their losing slide, as they will lose rights to any and all young talent over time.

#3. Joe Girardi will get interviewed daily on what he would have done differently and how he would have guided the Yankees to the postseason.

#4. Best of all, if things start to go sour for the Patriots come October, ESPN will have no choice but to activate Agent Bundchen for one last Brady injury so that they can fill broadcasts with this image (and hopefully write off the season as a "result of a freak accident"):


October can't come soon enough.

Friday, August 22, 2008

5 Notes From Last Night's Preseason Game

DANCE FOR ME, COURT JESTER!

Just some quick tidbits about last night's game:

#1. Neckstacy: Orton put up a very Orton-esque line of 10-17, 147yrds and 2 TD. Efficient, short passing? Sure, and then there was that 55-yarder to Rasheid Davis. Really, it's hard to complain when you get ANY sort of productivity behind the Swiss cheese we call an offensive line. Getting 2 TD's from any Bears QB (with our "intensely taleneted recievers") is just a bonus. Keep it up, and I might have to add a sceptre to that pic above.

#2. Kevin Jones lives! Jones only had 3 carries, but he made them count (especially the impressive 34 yrd gain he pulled). I don't think Jones is healthy enough to be starting (and the Bears seem to agree), but I'll bet we can see a lot of two-RB sets for the Bears this year. Between Forte and the crew, more passing options for Orton to dump off to is a good thing (and KJ has hands).

#3. Daniel Manning is a beast. If anything bad happens to Hester (like letting him play offense...yeesh), Manning looked like a more than capable replacement. Two kick returns for 171 (but no scores) says a lot.

#4. Our defense = ha. We knew Frank Gore was going to sexually molest us - he's pretty much a lock to do it. But pretty much EVERYone who touched the ball on their side of the field averaged 4.5 yards per carry. That's just not a good sign. Also, we got torched by JT O'Sullivan...he's an ex-third stringer on the LIONS for crying out loud! Now throw in the fact that the 49ers were without a good chunk of their TEAM (WR Arnaz Battle, WR Bryant Johnson, RB DeShaun Foster, RT Jonas Jennings, LG Adam Snyder), and it becomes pretty pathetic that we couldn't shut down an already unimpressive team. These guys need to step it up.

#5. Grossman was booed after his first incompletion, and went a paltry 1-4 for 6 yards. Granted, not a whole lot of time with the offense, but it looks like the only "unleashing of the dragon" will be from the bench while watching tape (read: porn).

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Exciting Chicago Bears News


Yeah, not a whole lot going on for the Bears right now. We're playing the 49ers tonight in preseason (which will be an epic battle between the 2 worst offensive teams of all time) and here are few things to watch, assuming you don't gauge your eyes out watching Kyle Orton go 15 for 20 for about 16 yards.

1) Kevin Jones.

KJ used to be a stud on the Lions until he got turf toe, broke his foot, had a few concussions and then destroyed his knee. It will be interesting to see if he's still limited and where he is in overall conditioning. If he's 100%, he can be absolutely dominant (and I am NOT sold on Forte, so this is good news).

2) Rex.

This is the first time in his career that he's been healthy and not the projected starter. It will be interesting to see how he handles himself and if the reduced pressure actually helps his game. I've never seen a quarterback so heavily affected by mental/emotional issues.

3) The D.

We gave up a lot of yards and some points to the Chiefs (ugh) and considering we have an elite group of talent at full strength (Urlacher, Briggs, Harris, Mike Brown, etc) I would be shocked if any of the niners QB's can complete a pass. However, Frank Gore has historically ripped us a new a-hole and this is a good opportunity to raise his fantasy status (teetering on RB 6).



Personally, I'll be watching Matt Forte. If this kid shows some flashes against a decent niner defense, we can all relax a little bit... I love armchair scouting btw:



Added bone-us:

Here is a fantasy draft preview by a world-renowened strategy analyst that has been known to plunge deeply into statistics and orally analyze players with piercing insight.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Harden Has Superpowers

Must...feed...

In the midst of all the "Jim Edmonds is still alive" and "Kerry Wood's blistered vagina healing nicely" talk, there's one story that's just not getting enough press:

Rich Harden is absolutely fucking ridiculous.

He has 3 wins with the Cubs, but it's not at all his fault. Aside from last night's line of 7IP, 2H and 10K's without a walk, just look at these stats since he joined the Cubs:

Date Opponent Score Dec IP H R ER HR BB K
W L SV IP ERA
Aug 13 @ ATL W 8-0 W 5.0 2 0 0 0 5 2
7 2 0 112.0 2.17
Aug 5 HOU W 11-7 - 5.2 8 5 4 2 1 8
6 2 0 107.0 2.27
Jul 31 @ MIL W 11-4 W 7.0 6 1 1 1 0 9
6 2 0 101.1 2.04
Jul 26 FLA L 2-3 - 5.0 2 1 1 1 3 10
5 2 0 94.1 2.10
Jul 21 @ ARI L 0-2 L 7.0 1 1 1 1 2 10
5 2 0 89.1 2.12
Jul 12 SFO W 8-7 - 5.1 5 0 0 0 3 10
5 1 0 82.1 2.19

That's just insane. Sure, he doesn't go the distance because he's injury prone, but you really can't argue with an AVERAGE of 1 ER and 8+ K's per outing. If you think Ted Lilly or Jason Marquis could come anywhere near that kind of production, you're not even close. Harden is possibly better than the great Zambino (although he can't work as deeply into games, and has some control issues at times).

Give Harden your love, Cubs fans, because you're going to miss this production when his arm disintegrates (Insert Mark Prior reference here).

Kenny Do Good?

...and so I said, "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"

Even though the Sox are rolling, it's pretty clear that acquiring Griffey was a waste of time. He leaves runners on base, has less range/mobility than John Madden, and generally under-produces where he can. Oh and did I mention that we're on the hook for a good chunk of his contract?

And yet, I'm not entirely convinced it was a bad trade.

See, we make fun of Kenny Williams. A lot. Sometimes mercilessly. But you also have to keep in mind that Kenny has an OBSCENELY good track record as of late when trading - so I have to believe that there's more to it than Griffey sucking. Here's a brief refresher course for Kenny's last few big impact deals in no particular order (deals we obviously dominated are in bold, deals that the full impact remain to be seen are in italics):

Sox Acquire Griffey for Nick Massett and Danny Richar.
Sox Acquire Horacio Ramirez for Paulo Orlando.
Sox Acquire Nick Swisher for De Los Santos, Gio Gonzalez, and Ryan Sweeney
Sox Acquire Orlando Cabrera for Jon Garland.
Sox Acquire Carlos Quentin for Chris Carter.
Sox Acquire John Danks for Brandon McCarthy.
Sox Acquire Gio Gonzalez and Gavin Floyd for Freddy Garcia.
Sox Acquire Matt Thornton for Joe Borchard.

If needed, you could probably bold a few more of these items (like the Cabrera/Garland trade, which was great for both teams, but just imagine this squad without Cabrera right now), and others will probably pan out in our favor over time (Swisher's value gets better every year).

Really, I think the Griffey trade might be a case of "addition by subtraction." Massett wasn't exactly pulling his weight with the squad (and he wanted to start anyways), and Richar wasn't going to make this squad any time soon with the emergence of Alexei Ramirez and Chris Getz. In return, we get a guy who could bring in some fans, give a little boost to the offense, and might be able to resurrect his career in Chicago.

In Kenny we trust, right?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Shaving Cream Pies Are Dangerous


If you've seen a full season of White Sox baseball, odds are you've seen the shaving cream pie during the post-game interview as much as anyone. First rookie win as a pitcher? Cream pie in the face. Clutch hit? Pie in the face. Nick Swisher was bored? You guessed it.

With all of that cream pie-related shenanigans, someone was bound to get hurt:

"With an American League Central title at stake, the White Sox might consider ending one of their post-game victory traditions.

Backup catcher Toby Hall said his right shoulder was fine after teammate Jermaine Dye blocked his attempt at placing a shaving cream pie in his face during a post-game interview following the Sox's 13-5 win over Seattle.

Hall had his right shoulder wrapped in ice but assured reporters he didn't not re-injure his shoulder, which he separated in spring training of 2007."

I understand the "aw shucks I missed him," but an ice-pack!? That's just ridiculous. It's not like his pie toss got blocked and then Dye took him down with a Judo throw or something. At this rate, not only did Toby likely re-injure himself, but he probably did irreparable damage to Dye's fragile forearms too.

In unrelated news, Scott Podsednik heard this story and promptly hurt himself by smiling too hard. He will miss the remainder of the season.

The Neckbeard Cometh

I'm not sure what I'm leaning on, but DAMN I make it look good!
It's going to be a year of softly thrown short passes and inaccurate mid-range tosses for the Bears, as Kyle Orton was officially named the starting QB. Due to Orton's poise in what we can pretend to call a "pocket" (I prefer to call it a time bomb), as well as his quick thinking (Mean people coming! Kyle get rid of ball now!), we're now in Ortonia, and he is our king.

I'm sure Kyle is studying that playbook hard right now...

"Hey, I'm fucking royalty now or something like that. Who wants to fuck royalty? YEAH!"

Monday, August 18, 2008

Lu and Dong? This is too good to be true...

Dong Dong (who's there?)

Trampoline Day 3 Preview: Lu and Dong lead for Men's Trampoline gold
Updated: 2008-08-18 20:40:00

(BEIJING, August 18) -- Finishing first and second in qualification, China's Lu Chunlong and Dong Dong are well placed to win China's first ever Men's Trampoline Olympic medals at the National Indoor Stadium on Tuesday.

Lu finished first in qualification, after he either earned or shared the highest score of the field for his Compulsory and Voluntary routines. Lu's total for two routines was 0.70 higher than Dong's.

To challenge Lu for the gold medal, Dong will need to improve his Voluntary score, where he tied for third place in qualification. Dong won the silver medal at the 2007 world championships.

Competition will be held at 8:15 p.m. on Tuesday, August 19.



This is a real article.

Best publicity we've ever had at the Dong. I'm gonna send Lu and Dong free T-shirts.

I couldn't be happier. I feel like I just won the lottery... or that Karl Malone is my real dad.

Wow.

Rex Got Served

"Ohhhhh! Damn, son!"

The worst part is, Grossman was still the best QB we put on the field Saturday night. In the game against the Seahawks, Grossman went 9/15 for 74 yards and a pick. He missed his mark when he actually had the chance to throw, and when he didn't...well, we know how helpful the Bears offensive line has been as of late. As a result, Grossman got the crap kicked out of him for most of the night, and his best chances to "unleash the dragon" were batted down. He also got cut just below the nose after one too many pummelings.

This is where I would put said picture, but I can't find it. Enjoy Steve Nash's fucked up shnoz.

Needless to say, the papers are loving the QB controversy. You know there's an elephant in the room when you get this comment from Lovie:

"Kyle made some good throws," Bears coach Lovie Smith said of opening half's final drive. "That's the way you like to see an offense execute."

No one
likes to see any offense execute with Kyle Orton at the helm - especially after a very uninspiring night when he went 5-9 for 43 yards. Is our offensive line that bad?

Let's take a look:

Projected Starters:

LT: John St. Clair.
The Bears have so much confidence in St. Clair that they've already spoken to Fred Miller, the guy they CUT earlier this year, to come back and recalim the starting spot. Granted, no one expected Chris Williams to be hurt, but this hole is the biggest (and most painful for Bears QBs).

LG: Terrence Metcalf. Nothing more than Ruben Brown's replacement. If the guy has been on the team since 2002 with an offensive line as "awe-inspiring" as ours, odds are he wasn't just "waiting in the wings for a vet to go down." If he could block, he would have been starting last year. Instead, he's been a perpetual reserve player, and he's now 30. This guy agrees.

C: Olin Kreutz. I like Olin. If only we could clone him, remove his injury risk, and put him in all 5 O-Line spots...

RG: Roberto Garza. You know you have a problem when you get this guy when you search for Garza. Long story short, he is Metcalf...just playing right guard.

RT: John Tait. Tait has been moved everywhere - and the season hasn't even started yet! First RT, then LT, then back again...it doesn't bode well that this is only the second starter I've named, and I'm out of positions.

We're fucked.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Eagles Cheerleaders set the bar high

Like every football-starved American, I suffered through the brutal rain-delayed 1st half of the Eagles-Panthers preseason game last night.

45 minute delay because of some fucking lightning? Puh-lease. These guys run into walls for a living, I doubt a little electricity is going to move the needle.





I'm the Juggernaut, bitch.


Not to mention the piss-poor football. McNabb was boring, Delhomme has a spaghetti arm and rookie Jonathan Stewart was basically MIA.

On a positive note, I do have a nice 42" HDTV and very much enjoyed the HD part-most notably the awesome Philly cheerleaders, roughing the elements and showing America what it means to be a real champion. I have always been partial to the Redskins ladies (hell, Chris Cooley even married one), but if this doesn't get you psyched, you should get punched in the fleshy patch that used to be your genitals.

Real American Heroes


A quick summary of Cooley's blog: Greatest. Blog Ever.

A quick summary of Cooleys cheerleader wife:

Yum


Since it's Friday (and I heart cheerleaders)... enjoy the now 2nd best squad in the league:




Xerxes: But I am a generous God...

I've Had Enough of This

I've had just about enough of this "Olympics," thank you very much. We've been covering it here on the Dong because, let's face it, you probably don't want to hear us talk baseball all the time. I personally think the Olympics takes a great idea (global sports) and does everything wrong.

Observe:

Normal Sports: Attractive cheerleaders in skimpy outfits, hot reporters, and when involved in the actual sport, the women there can look good too (women's softball? Oh yes).

Olympics: Women are only participants in the events, and are generally more likely to look like men (and that's if you're lucky). These girls make the "ever appealing Lovabulls," well, "visually toleraBull."

Normal Sports: Make rivalries that last every year (Sox/Cubs, Cubs/Cards...etc) and get excited when your team plays the sworn enemy a few times each year for a coveted playoff spot.

Olympic Sports: Nova Scotia? Jamaica? Who the hell are these people? It doesn't matter, because they are smaller countries and we steamroll them anyways. When did it stop being OK to try and beat Russia at everything?

Normal Sports: Crappy teams are given a chance to do better with a higher draft pick the following year, ensuring new talent is distributed evenly to keep all games competitive.

Olympic Sports: Breed harder, because that's the best you're gonna get. Hey Egypt, I don't give a rats ass that you don't have a single good figure skater, but you better start feeding your kids snowcones if you want to stand a chance in the next winter games.

Normal Sports: Players are gritty, sports are "tough," and you "lay it all out on the field." We show brawls, mistakes, drunken athletes, and other things that keep sports blogs chugging. The painful Vince Vaughn 7th inning stretch really WAS Vince Vaughn sucking.



Olympic Sports: Where to begin? They put the little girl that COULD sing behind the more attractive girl, they had to "digitally remaster" the opening fireworks, there was that guy that got stabbed (which I'm sure no one in China knows about) and I'm pretty sure they had stand-ins for the Chinese team during the medal ceremony at LEAST once. Could there be anything more fake about this?

Normal Sports: Get to know your favorite players, and follow them through the next couple of seasons. Get excited when your team gets new players from trades/FA, and the offseason is just long enough where you have time to feel excited about next season.

Olympic Sports: The latest gymnastics star will be too old (read: 20) and flipping burgers by the next olympics. With a 4-year differential between "seasons," almost all the faces are new. There are no trades ("did you hear? Michael Phelps moved to Switzerland!") or waiver wire for older players looking for another shot (although it would be really cool to pick up Brian Boitano for fencing or something). Here, have some more random faces.

Normal Sports: There's a basic understanding of which sports are popular (football, baseball, basketball, soccer, and hockey) and we tailor to that in our programming. NFL Network, I'm looking at you.

Olympic Sports: No coverage until about two weeks before the games start (making it impossible to get excited), and the good sports are getting the boot! This is baseball's last year in the Olympics, but "synchronized swimming" is still a lock for years to come. This is just bullshit. Was China worried that they would have to photoshop an extra arm on Jim Abbott for broadcast or something?

Normal Sports: Fat guys and enemies on your home team. Manny Ramirez haters from Boston, Favre haters from Green Bay, AJ Pierzynski haters from...everywhere, you get the idea. These are guys you just can't seem to get rid of (JUAN URIBE).

Olympic Sports: I don't know any of these people! Even if I did, I couldn't hate them for long because unless they started competing at age 16, their next competition is probably their last. Where's the fun in heckling if you already know the deadline?

Normal Sports: Tomfoolery, and psychopaths. Ocho Cinco, Terrell Owens, and shaving cream pies in the face accentuate Rae Carruth, Tank Johnson, and Adam (Pacman) Jones.

Olympic Sports: They don't even have cannonball as a diving event! You've got a huge pool, and you even have the proper setup for the coveted Triple Lindy. Pathetic.


Try harder, Olympics, and maybe I'll get a jersey with "Chicago 2016" on the back...for a sport I've never heard of.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Chicago Olympians

Souwwwth Suuuhhheeeeeeeeeeeede!


With the Olympics well underway, it would be a shame not to mention a great website (Chicagoist) that is tracking the daily achievements of all of the Chicago Olympians in Beijing.

There are the obvious stars like D-Wade and Candace Parker but we at the Dong want to give some share of the limelight to the other awesome local stars, living out there hopes and dreams in Beijing and using an inordinate amount of condoms.

First of all, we've got Christina Loukas from Riverwood, IL, who is not bad looking and may also be good at diving. Or something.

Are you Sure?

Swimmer Matt Grevers is from Lake Forest and won a silver medal yesterday and uh... since I don't want to fuel the rumors that I'm into athletic muscular dudes, here's a random picture of some chick that thinks he's hot:

ZOMG!


Christine Magnuson from Tinley Park won silver on Monday in the 100M butterfly. Mmmmmm... butterfly. So much better than the breaststoke. If you don't know what the butterfly is, you probably can't afford it.

This is the most attractive picture of her available online. Trust me. I mean, I'm not saying she doesn't seem cute or anything but just trust me.

With all the excitement, make sure to keep an eye on our hometown heroes (full list here) and let's bring home some shiny necklaces! I volunteer to donate the Pearl variety...

-KEG

Luols Dong Arts and Entertainment: Metallica



These days, Metallica are probably best known for playing in giant NASCAR stadiums, suing their own fans, and releasing an album of complete dogshit every 5 years or so. But as unbelievable as it may seem now, Metallica used to be one of the most fearsome bands in the land. Their '80s albums are indisputable thrash classics, and their live shows were the stuff of legend (don't even get me started about the time I saw them with Danzig and Suicidal Tendencies in '94).

Even though Metallica has sucked for nearly 20 years, there is a lot of interest in their upcoming album Death Magnetic, which is supposed to be a "return to form" for the band (just like the last 3 albums were.) So when they debuted a new track, "Cyanide," at last week's Ozzfest, many were curious, including a bunch of us here at the Dong. Does it recapture their former glory? Or does it just suck ass? Luol's Dong Arts & Entertainment presents an in-depth, blow-by-blow review. Hit "play" below and follow along.



0:57= The intro shows some promise. I'm not reaching for the lotion just yet, but at least this sounds somewhat heavy, and that's a good thing.

1:15= Bass and drum break. Since there are no guitars or vocals, I can only assume that this is the part of the song where James Hetfield pounds about 20 shots of Jagermeister. Yes, I know this part is only about 5 seconds long.

1:20= If this is the song's main riff, I'm not impressed. This riff might be OK if you're some bar band, maybe. A 14 year old could have written this. Suddenly I am losing my erection. Here comes another riff -- oh wait, this one is generic as hell too.

1:42= Hetfield, now completely wasted on Jager, begins hollering about death and a bunch of crap that don't make no goddamn sense. I'm sure there's a melody somewhere in here, but it mostly sounds like some goofy drunk shouting at you. And if you wanted that, you'd go visit your stepdad, right? Right.

1:43 to 5:27 = I got bored and made a sandwich.

5:28 to 6:00 = Clearly suffering from Alzheimers, guitarist Kirk Hammett plays the solo from "Ride The Lightning" by accident. Drummer/cokehead Lars Ulrich tries to get his attention by playing out of time and making silly mistakes.

6:01= NOW we're getting somewhere! The guys wake up long enough to deliver some kickass harmony guitars. This is pretty awes--- oh wait, it's over now. Then they play all the other parts of the song over again, in case you showed up late to the concert or something.

So there you have it. "Return to form" indeed -- if by "form" you mean a poorly written, boring-ass song where you have to wait 6 minutes for the only cool part. This track is kind of like those weird crunch things from Taco Bell: you have no idea how it got put together, and you don't really care because it leaves the taste of crap in your mouth. If this song is any indication, Death Magnetic will chug more penis than that hooker who hangs out in my alley. Time to hang it up, dudes.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Theriot Hammers Fontenot, Throws 9 Knuckleballs, Hates DeRosa, And Hits Opposite Field



NQTC favorite Ryan Theriot answered questions from Chicago Tribune readers submitted over the last week or so. I have been waiting for his answers, since this gritty ballplayer has some great quotes, even though he is seldom quoted. Well the answers are out now on chicagosports.com, and I have to say, they are as great as ever. Some Highlights:


Riot, who wins a fight between you and Fontenot? If you two teamed up, do you think you could take Zambrano out? Inquiring minds want to know... -- Erik Burgio, San Francisco


I'd beat Font's butt, though Z might kill us. But I think Z likes me, or at least I hope he does. I would never fight Font, but if I did, I'd hammer him, and he knows that.


Ryan, recently when your LSU college team was playing one of the last games at Alex Box Stadium, the radio broadcasters were telling stories about memorable games there. One story mentioned a game in which the LSU bullpen had been completely used up in a blowout. LSU coach Skip Bertman asked the infielders if anyone wanted to pitch, and you offered to take the mound. Is this story true? Does Lou know about your pitching experience? Is Zambrano worried? -- LSU Baseball Fan, Chicago


Yes it's true. Everyone knows that I've pitched. I make sure of that. I have nine different pitches, all of which are awesome. I have a 0.00 ERA, got one out, throwing all knuckleballs. I don't remember who I faced... some dude from Ole Miss.


Knowing your teammates as well as you do and considering you're filling in for beat writer Paul Sullivan, can you put on your reporter hat for us and give us the best story/angle that has gone unreported of any Cub inside the clubhouse? -- Brent, Chicago


DeRosa's biceps. Just look at 'em. He's built like a pro wrestler. No, he's built like a Greek god. We used to have some competition going, but not anymore. I've shrunk.



Ryan, Is Mark Derosa really as dreamy as he appears via cable, or is he even more gorgeous in real life? -- Kirby Robinson, Lewisville, N.C.


He might be the worst looking guy on the team.



Riot -- The majority of your hits this year have gone to right field. How much of that is trying to go to the opposite field, and how much is taking what the pitchers give you? -- James, Chicago


It's just where the ball goes when I hit it.







There's a lot here to breakdown. First of all, either him and DeRo are friends, or enemies. This is the second time he's ripped him. Also I love the comment about why he hits it opposite field. What a fucking badass. If this guy was a few inches taller I bet he could fight in the UFC. Oh, and 9 pitches? Dice-K might want to take a lesson from him. I bet he throws a vicious gyro-ball. Don't talk shit fontenot, he'll break your nose.

-Stormin' Norman Disciple
(reprinted from NQTC)

Orlando Cabrera Hates You

HELP US FIND THE REST OF THIS CLIP!

video

So, in case you missed it, Chris Getz got his first ML hit last night. Nice swing, everybody's happy.

Here's the interesting part: after Ozzie signals for the ball, and Cox gets it, he walks it over towards our dugout.

What you DON'T see (because I can't find the rest of the video and wish someone would) is that Cox tosses it to Cabrera instead of taking it in himself. Cabrera catches the ball, turns...and throws it into the stands before walking back into the dugout.

Orlando hates you, Chris....


...but he loves whoever this guy is. I don't think I can find a more incriminating photo of Cabrera than this - this guy isn't even good looking!

HELP US FIND THE REST OF THIS CLIP!

The Griffey Ultimatum

YEAH! Strikeout with a man on 3rd with 1 out! Whoo! Show me some love.

I warned you. I warned all of you. As much as Hawk is still performing the oral roto-rooter on Griffey, this guy is not getting the job done. He strikes out when we need him most (most notably a three-strikeout performance against Detroit last week), and grounds into a double-play where possible. He is the exact opposite of the RISP production we thought we were getting.

Strangely, I'm not going to complain about the hitting (yet). Griffey is probably putting a lot of pressure on himself at the plate, and that can result in some junk AB's. He's not fast enough to turn a groundout into anything else. He will turn it around at the plate (he has to), but that's not one of my major gripes:

First, why are we starting him in center? Like, ever?

Griffey is the worst possible combination in Center Field. He has the speed of Mo Vaughn and the durability of Fred Taylor. Last I checked, that is a recipe for disaster. He can't catch up to routine fly balls (I saw a particularly easy one get cut-off after the hop at the end of the Boston series that Anderson or Wise could have caught standing up...or sleeping), he doesn't have the abilities he had when younger, and eventually, all this "running" will put him on the DL. Griffey has essentially become Carl Everett...without the ability to hit. That kills his value more than the bible killed Carl's belief in dinosaurs.

Second, have you noticed his disturbing "stiffness" trend? Griffey gets better treatment that Guillen's mother. Hot out and I made you bat 7th? Take the day off, I'll put Swisher in center. Smile too hard for a photo-op? Don't you worry, I'll get you into the trainer's room ASAP - rest for now, and I'll put Anderson in center. Spill your apple juice? Don't worry, mommy will get it.

This is baseball!

Last I checked, you play baseball to PLAY. If you want to make a shitload of money by doing nothing, take the Albert Belle route and retire when your new contract kicks in. Maybe get a restraining order on your ex to seal the deal, I don't care. I understand that part of this might be Guillen saying "you suck at the plate, thank goodness there's an excuse to put someone else in today" (which roughly sounds like "!@$#&ing kid needs to #$%@& his #$*&."), but you can only do that so much while continuing to sit Konerko (who, might I add, has shown a little bit of life as of late).

I get the feeling that Griffey is going to be more detrimental than helpful over the longrun. He'll want his playing time (batting between 3rd and 6th, of course), he'll push useful defenders to the bench (no one's going to bench Thome for Griffey as DH on a regular basis), and he's going to get hurt. It's just a matter of time.

As for me, I'm going to wait and see how long it takes before the Griffey effect spreads...

GIVE ME THE DAY OFF, OR I FUCK UP BROADWAY'S MECHANICS! I'LL DO IT!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Olympics Summary



Save yourself the endless late nights in front of the TV and having to stare at "25" year old gymnasts and fucking hand ball (read that any way you'd like). Here at the Dong, we pride ourselves on cutting to the chase and providing the most relevant and important sporting news, and the Olympics are no exception.

Opening Ceremonies:
Despite China's best efforts at fighting the worst pollution on the planet, the sky still looks like diarrhea toilet water. So apparently, the fireworks show at the beginning of the Olympics had to be done in CGI, since FIREWORKS were obscured by smog. Nature 1, Beijing 0.

Separately, this chick is on the Paraguay javelin team:


Impressive showing, Paraguay.

If you masochists out there want to see the purported top 50 best looking female Olympians, you can click here but be prepared for disappointment.

Swimming:
More exciting than the "Redeem Team" (coming up next) the US swim team and Michael Phelps have provided some serious entertainment. First of all, nobody loves gold medals more than Phelps. This kid is absolutely dominant and borderline aquatic.



Secondly, after the French claimed "they came to crush the Americans," this was by far the most exciting competition in the Games so far:


Freedom Fries in the 4x100 freestyle relay. Fuck you France.

Phelps is also looking to win a record 8 gold medals. Spitz on you, Mark.

Basketball:



The US team looks like the Dream Team of old, completely crushing all opposition, including the tough Chinese team with Yao and Yi. The US/China game had over 1 Billion viewers on hand to watch LeBron, Kobe, Howard and Wade sleepwalk to a 31 point victory.

Wade by the way, looks completely awesome coming off his surgery last season. LeBron looks completely awesome, as usual.

3) Memorable Moments:

Love this shot of GWB slappin some Olympic ass:



Also love the nipslip in a random live-aired water polo game: NSFW version here (thank you Deadspin).



A few other great links via Deadspin and With Leather on Craig Sager that made me giggle.

Seattle is Doomed


I'm sure most of you are thinking: "Seattle? What the hell does Seattle have to do with Chicago sports?" We'll get to that in a minute, but believe me, the connection is there.

Let's start with the basics. Seattle has had an AMAZINGLY bad stretch of luck as of late. They lost the Supersonics to Oklahoma City, the Mariners have tanked horribly after being expected to compete, and the Seahawks keep getting crippled. After the most recent announcement that Bobby Engram would be missing some serious time, I decided to do an investigation.

I mean, what sort of calamity would have had to occur in order for things to get so badly screwed up in Seattle?

After some digging, I looked into the furthest (and still recent) "sucks to be Seattle incident," which was when Deion Branch tore his ACL in the playoffs against the Packers...who had just finished losing to the Bears at the tail end of 07. This may seem like it isn't connected, but keep reading.

I discovered that things started going sour for the Mariners (who had looked promising) immediately after a Cubs/Mariners ST game back in March. Both teams are discussing the chances of meeting in the World Series, and everybody was all high-hopes and optimism. You'll notice at the end of the article is when the first wave of bad news comes, what with Beltre and Vidro missing time for "minor occurrences." Yeah, sure.

So, things progress as usual, and it looks like there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Wrong. Seattle gets involved again, and swaps out John McLaren as Mariners manager in favor of, you guessed it, ex-Cubs manager Jim Riggleman. Less than two weeks later, it is announced that the Seattle Supersonics are moving to Oklahoma City. Noticing a trend here?

Finally, that brings us back to Bobby Engram, who was poised to have all sorts of chances to make an impact this year. The Seahawks are playing the Bears on Saturday. Guess what? Engram's out 6-8 weeks and took Hasselbeck with him. That's what you get for having an ex-Bear WR.

If I were Seattle, I would start being real careful with the Seattle Storm (WNBA), who also look like they might be on the verge of moving (...and they play the Chicago Sky on Sept. 4th!).

Watch out, Seattle.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Profanity Key To Chicago Baseball Success? Pinella Thinks So

Lou has been doing a great job with the Cubs this year, but what is the story behind this man? We all know about his years in Cincinnati (won the World Series), Seattle (great teams underachieved), and Tampa Bay (dyed hair blonde).


But what do we really know about Lou beyond his ridiculous antics? Apparently his folksy wisdom is what has allowed him to be the glue in the Cubs clubhouse, according to Hank White (Henry Blanco):

“Lou’s a lot like Bobby [Cox]. Only he doesn’t pick his nose as much. He usually starts swearing when he thinks the camera is on him. Good ones, too. I’ve been around and Lou knows some good one. I had no idea what a rim job was until I heard Lou yelling about one at a Fox camera guy.”

Wow. This is the kind of managerial style that you can’t learn from a seminar or a book. So why is this the key to a Championship on the North Side? Simple. It wasn’t until Ozzie went to the White Sox that they won a championship, and everyone knows Ozzie’s profanity-laced tirades “inspired” the Sox. I mean, Jay Mariotti is a faggot, and that fucking kid who wouldn’t bean the guy in Texas never should play baseball again. Bam, World Series. Similar to those things, I’m sure some Fox camera guy should have given Lou a rim job. World Series? I can’t imagine why not. I mean Ron Gardenhire keeps juice boxes in his fridge so players will like him and look how many World Series he has won. Yeah, none.




**Special thanks to our guest editor "Stormin Norman Disciple" from http://www.notqualifiedtocomment.blogspot.com/. It's a solid site with lots of Chicago goodies (especially for you Cubs fans) so be sure to check it out.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Jose Criptreras

Get off my dang lawn! Friggin' kids!

After a successful 15-day stint on the DL, Contreras took a few steps off the sofa, got in a cab to U.S. Cellular, and promptly ruptured his achilles tendon after running from the mound to first base. My theory? He had just started to get into Mythbusters and didn't want to miss any of the new season.

More importantly, with Criptreras on the DL (again), we're looking for another starter. Rupturing the achilles likely puts Jose out for the entire year, including any playoff games that apply. Not only do the Sox need to make an immediate move to get a body into the rotation, they need to make a secondary move to shore up an exhausted - and ultimately lacking - bullpen. Amazingly, the Sox acted quickly, acquiring Horacio Ramirez from the Royals. Ramirez is having a good season (2.59 ERA, 0.90 WHIP), but we all know how trades with Kansas City for bullpen pitchers turn out. The Sox have sent both Boone Logan and Josh Fields to AAA, so there's two open spots even after Ramirez gets here (although one is expected to be filled by Crede when he gets off the DL).

That said, here are a few options:

#1. DJ Carrasco to the rotation, Sox call up Aaron Poreda to replace Carrasco's long-relief role. Probably the most likely solution (maybe not Poreda, but you get the idea). Carrasco has excelled in the long relief role, pitching almost a full start for Jose today, and has had great success. Calling up Poreda also gives the Sox a taste of whether or not Poreda can fill the long-relief role, give the bullpen some rest, and reward his dominance in AA.

#2. Sox call up Lance Broadway to fill 5th starter role. Clayton Richard didn't work out, so it's on to the next prospect. Broadway has been waiting for his chance for a while, and he could probably give himself a job for next season if he gets the job done here.

#3. Sox call up someone else in a taste-test role. Possible options include Justin Cassell (AAA), Wes Whisler (AAA), Mike Macdougal (HELL), Poreda, Richard, Charlie Haeger, Toma Ohka, Jack Egbert, or maybe even Jon Link (AA). We suddenly have a lot of options!

#4. Sox get another body off the wire. Options include old-school (Freddy Garcia, Esteban Loaiza) and new school (I hear Cedric Benson is available...)

One thing is for sure - Jose Contreras' contract is turning into one of the biggest clusterfuck moves EVER. At least we won't be calling up Dewon Day...

Friday, August 8, 2008

Chicago's Finest

When I see the headline "Cop Demands Free Starbucks" on CNN, there's no doubt in my mind that this officer is serving and protecting the Windy City. Sure enough, I was right. The Chicago Sun-Times has more info:
A Chicago Police officer has been suspended and ordered into counseling after she was found guilty of demanding free Starbucks coffee from six different stores on the North Side from 2001 to 2004, sometimes flashing her badge, displaying her gun and screaming at employees.

Officer Barbara Nevers of the Belmont police district was suspended for more than 15 months, according to records the Chicago Police Board released Thursday.

On Aug. 24, 2004, she flashed her badge to get free coffee at the Starbucks at 3358 N. Broadway, the board found.

Nevers exhibited similar behavior at Starbucks stores at 2525 1/2 N. Clark, 617 W. Diversey, 1000 W. Diversey, 1700 W. Diversey and 1157 W. Wrightwood — sometimes demanding free coffee, yelling when they refused her demands and showing her weapon, the board found.

On July 12, 2004 at the store at 617 W. Diversey, she took a bottle of juice without paying, the civilian disciplinary panel found.

In June, five members of the police board found her guilty of retail theft, using her position for official gain, unnecessary display of a weapon, mistreatment of a person and other offenses. They voted for Nevers’ 15-month suspension and counseling.

Word to the wise: The whole "I'm a cop, give me free coffee" thing works best in bad neighborhoods. This is because stores in bad neighborhoods want the added protection of having cops around, and figure the free coffee (or donuts, or whatever) is a fair trade. Some of our Chicago readers may recognize the addresses above as being about as threatening as the crowd at an Indigo Girls concert. These places have no use for added police "protection." Try the stores on Chicago's West Side instead-- parts of that neighborhood strongly resemble Detroit in Robocop.



Here's a few other winners that the Police Board decided to fire:

— Officer Kevin Waters was fired after he was found guilty of threatening to slit a man’s throat in a bar in southwest suburban Merrionette Park, using a racial epithet and lying to Chicago Police Internal Affairs investigators.





— Officer Cardinal Castillo was fired after he was found guilty of striking a woman in the face and leaving profane voice mails on her answering machine in 2004 and 2005.




–Officer Robert E. Taylor Sr. was fired after he was found guilty of perjury before a judge in 2004. He was accused of being married to two women at the same time.




Nice job, guys. I'll see all of you in the unemployment line shortly.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Bears lose, nobody cares.

Visor, but no Cedric.


Recap: Bears lose to the Chiefs, 24-20. Orton started the game and Rex got half of the second quarter. Both had essentially the same game except Garrett Wolfe turned a short pass from Grossman into a TD. Larry Johnson scored a TD for the chiefs (for you fantasy fans... please read way too much into this. Someone does it every year.)


Highlights: 2nd year S Kevin Payne looked pretty sexy and led the team in tackles. 3rd year LB Rod Wilson had a nice INT and The Other Adrian Peterson looked very good in limited action.


Lowlights: Kyle Orton's fumble (which was funny as hell- even he laughed at himself). Oh, and losing to the fucking craptastic Chiefs.

Memo To Hawk: Shut Up

Don't lie - you were thinking it.

Hawk Harrelson is an interesting case. He's somewhat entertaining in the broadcast booth, and he absolutely loves his White Sox. Granted, his love comes at a price - he becomes retarded and more delusional than Courtney Love on a bender. The Sox are "the good guys," everyone else is the "bad guys," and every single bad thing that happens was because the other team got lucky or made a "once in a lifetime super-play."

This is fine - we expect it of Hawk, and we're used to it. I remember laughing along for games 1-162 of the 2007 season, where "Dadgummit" became part of my baseball lexicon because I heard it 30 times a day. But this Griffey business needs to stop - right now.

Every single night since Griffey was acquired, Hawk has fellated Griffey (and his "legend") in ways that make John Madden ashamed of his Brett Favre obsession. Griffey this, Griffey that - the guy wasn't even playing tonight! I understand the excitement of the first day with him on the squad, and even the second day, it's still OK. But it's been over a week now, and Hawk is still tongue deep in Ken's asshole.

Here's a sampling of some of the crap spewing out of Hawk's mouth:

"Look at that swing. That right there is a work of art in motion, DJ. It's perfect from beginning to end, and he's spent his whole career mastering it"
-After a Griffey strikeout, in which Hawk went back to watch the swing again in slo-mo

"People are worried about his fielding, but he was all over that ball. He makes a quick adjustment, and keeps his eyes on the ball like a centerfielder who hasn't lost a step. I remember when I first watched Griffey play, and I thought to myself 'if this guy can keep it up, he'll be in Cooperstown in no time.' Well, now he's in Chicago, and hopefully it's his last stop."
-After a lineout that went DIRECTLY to Griffey, which he still managed to get a bad jump on before backpedaling to make the catch.

"I remember back when I first started watching Griffey play baseball. The year was nineteen-dickety-nine. We had to say "dickety" because the Kaiser had stolen our word for "eight." I once paid four bees for a Griffey rookie card. We didn't call them quarters. 'Four bees for a dollar,' we used to say. One bee could get you a sandwich, a newspaper, and a ride on the trolley all the way to town. Anyways, the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt..."
- Blatantly ripped off from Grandpa Simpson. Still really fucking funny.

Long story short, this shit needs to stop. It's kinda embarassing, especially when Griffey looks less like this:

Momma, I got the foosball!

And more like this:
I learned the Retarded Ostrich from Rex!

Don't get me wrong - I like Griffey. But let's be realistic here, yeah?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I got nothing



No time for a legit post, but if you thought Christian Bale's Batman voice has gotten a little insane since the "Swear To Me" days, you might appreciate this.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Here come the suspensions...

Guillen, Hillman, Greinke, Olivo suspended, fined
Associated Press

NEW YORK --
Kansas City Royals catcher Miguel Olivo and pitcher Zack Greinke have been suspended five games each for causing trouble in a weekend game with the Chicago White Sox.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen was suspended two games and Royals manager Trey Hillman was given one game Tuesday. All four penalties also included undisclosed fines.

Olivo and Greinke appealed their suspensions, which were to begin with Tuesday night's game against Boston. They can continue to play until the appeal process is complete.



This is some bullshit. 2 Games for Ozzie? He didn't even hit anybody!


Fuck. You.

Maybe this wil inspire the Sox to turn things around as of late... Hell, according to ESPN, Prince Fielder brawling with his starting pitcher will "improve teamwork and chemistry" and Ken Lucas (the guy whos nose is broken via Steve Smith) said his fight "might be the best thing to happen to the Panthers chemistry. Am I taking crazy pills? ...what are these pills anyway, someone's been leaving them on my desk every day this week...