Because they suck.
And are the scum of the earth.
|Tosh.0||Thurs, 10pm / 9c|
|Terrell Owens Apologizes|
Twitter has become an athlete’s way of skipping the media altogether and communicating directly with their fans. The cynic in all of us knows that this is just a marketing tool, but the spectator in us enjoys the random non-retractable comments we might otherwise never have read.
Little did you know, though, that Twitter has actually been around for almost a century now, and has only recently become mainstream. I took time to do some deep research, and I came up with the 10 best “tweets” you might have missed over the past 100 years.
10. BostonBillBuck: big win last night, up 3 games to 2, headed to shea! curse of bambino almost over!!!
9. SD_GM-Beathard: Didn’t want Peyton anyway – can’t win the big game. Leaf will domin8!
8. THE_REAL_BABE: Hey Boston, how my ass taste?
7. Charlie_Hustle14: Hunch --gonna beat the Dodgers by 1.5 runs tonight. ;-)
6. OJuice: Ugh, bad day. Bronco got dirty, ruined Bruno Magli’s, lost a glove, almost missed flight and got just five McNuggets. Is it Friday yet?
5. Bonds40-40: #FF @JCanseco, @RogerRocket, @A-Rod_Money, @BALCO, @CaminitiKen, @Pettitte_Pitcher, @Big_Giambi
4. FavreQB4: Montana to KC!? Come on, Joe! Ur a legend, know when to hang it up!
3. Georgia_Peach: Baseball has gone to hell. :-( RT @JackieRobinson_42: Guess who’s playing 2B for the Dodgers!?!!!
2. CoryLidle1972: Tweeting @ 5000 feet, LOL - This is gr
1. Stilt_Wilt: 10,000!!!!!!! :-)
No. 2, tasteless, I know. Going to hell, yadayada.
Loyal Dong Reader Bloomerqueef sent in the following response when asked if he was "surprised" about Sosa being labeled a cheater. We thought we'd share:
"Does a bear shit in the woods?
My mother who knows nothing about baseball knew that Sammy Sosa was taking steroids. Seriously is anyone surprised? I thought it was just sort of common knowledge that the HR race of 97 or whenever that was was fueled entirely by horse pills, bitch tit suppressors, anabolic steroids, and yes, Flintstones vitamins. I don't get why everyone is so shocked. I never had much of an affinity for Sammy though, as he disappeared in the playoffs (like so many of his Cub brethren. How fitting).
Yes, the Cubs are horrible. Jim Hendry and Lou Pinella gave the team the old cleveland steamer when they traded in Mark DeRosa, a clubhouse guy who everyone liked and produced offensively and defensively at every position, for Milton Bradley. Bradley is a clubhouse cancer who is perpetually injured and, after raising his batting average 100 points, is hitting .234. It was a horrible trade. The bullpen sucks, the new closer sucks, and the only thing keeping the team afloat is that the starting pitching has been good enough to keep them in almost every game. Don't even get me started on Aaron Miles. I want to punch my own cock when I think about the moves that they made in the off season to "improve" the team.
Is Kenny Williams on the hot seat yet? Has anyone realized that Ozzie was on the right side of luck in 2005? Not that it wasn't a good team, but come ON! I guess that's baseball for you. A bunch of juiced up millionaires who can't earn their living.
At least we have Cutler!"
Couldn't have said it better myself. Also, I would much rather that Ozzie be on the hot seat than KW - at least Kenny has made some real steals for the club (see: Carlos Quentin, Podsednik Part Deux, Danks, Floyd...etc). As for Ozzie, he routinely runs players into the ground until they submit to a doghouse role (Anderson, Fields) or are traded (Broadway, Swisher, Betemit). I believe that Ozzie was a reason that Peavy wouldn't come to town as well.
At least we have Cutler.
Oh man. I cannot even begin to tell you how long I have waited for this. That smug grin. The asshole attitude. The way that his "baseball been berry berry good to me" bullshit was lapped up like putrid milk.
WELL HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, ASSHOLE? TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTE!
Boom! Busted for steroids. Finally! It's like that scene in The Shawshank Redemption where the guy emerges from the sewer and tears his shirt off in that downpour. I don't know why it took this long (is there some federal rule about having to wait six years before skewering a public figure?), but I am RELISHING IT.
We knew it to be true, all of us. Our daily "research" (porn, wipe the browser cookies before the wife gets home, porn after she goes to bed) started every day with the keywords "sosa, steroids, about fucking time." We did the best investigative research available. No stone was left unturned. How did he keep slipping through the cracks? The obvious musculature, the corked bat incident, and yet he was still given a free pass.
And now, my friends, we are victorious. Let it be known that Frank Thomas is, was, and will forever be the best (and only CLEAN) hitter of the 1990s.
If that is an every day occurence for you, you're probably an infant and you aren't old enough to read this blog. Also, I am impressed by your ability to read at such a young age.
Seriously though - for having their home field turned into U.S. Cellular Milwaukee, the majority of Brewers fans were pretty cool about us being there. Way to show class, Milwaukee...but I still think your team isn't going to do shit without Ben Sheets or a way to clone Ryan Braun.
Hey! Quit raping my kid!
The White Sox and Cubs do what they can to get us through that May-to-September stretch (footballfootballfootballfootball), but when the Cubs squeak out a victory to move into a tie for 3rd place with the Reds and the Sox can't get the job done, it makes time go even slower. Sure, the Hawks and the Bulls distracted us for a bit in May with unexpected playoff runs, but that really isn't going to happen on regular basis.
It's time for a new sport, and I want it to be XARM.
What's XARM, you ask? It's not a radio station - it's fighting without the waiting. If there's one thing I hate about boxing and UFC, it's that one of the guys can be an absolute pussy and pull out a win at the end via decision. Decisions are for pansies. If you're alive at the end of the fight, you win. No other rules.
Needless to say, XARM takes a step in the right direction by tethering the two fighters together. No more of this "I'm running away in a defensive fashion" bullshit. You are attached to your opponent. As a result, the only stoppage of fighting from the devastating haymakers is when the two guys happen to take a break to breathe simulataneously. Otherwise, there's just a shitload of beat-down.
Just look at this:
Unsurprisingly, the Sox called up Gordon Beckham yesterday, sending Wilson Betemit far far away. This is not really a surprise as Betemit has a 50% fielding percentage. The guy commits more errors than Brian Anderson causes game-winners. That said, GB (as he shall now be known) has a few more hurdles to cross:
Experience: As much hype as there is around Beckham, I think he really DOES need a full season in the minors. There's no substitute for hard-nosed work ethic in the dregs, learning all those little fundamentals that are oh so valuable in MLB.
Josh Fields: As inconsistent as he is, Fields is still the 3B. I expect that Fields will finally make his move over to 1B with Beckham's arrival, but at least on paper, Fields is still the owner of third base. If Beckham doesn't transition well, Fields may be there just by default (Lillibridge? HA!)
He's Not Cuban: You laugh, but there are two kinds of infielders in Ozzie-land: Cuban, and Other. Cuban infielders are forgiven for almost ANYthing in their mechanics. Juan Uribe and Alexei Ramirez both have unorthodox methods of playing the infield, but Ozzie loves it calling them elastic and rugged at their position.
On the flip side, Getz and Nix have done a great job at 2B, and Ozzie is calling for additional improvement. Hell, he even brought up Tadahito Iguchi's mechanics in the same season that he made that ridiculous "diving-over-the-mound" play. Same thing goes for Fields (although he does suck), and Wilson Betemit (also suck). If Beckham wants to succeed, he's going to have to take Ozzie's inevitable criticism in stride and continue to make the big plays.
After yesterday's White Sox win, it's time to start looking for an explanation. You know what I mean - the inexplicable "winning" thing that seem to have taken off around, oh, May 19th (incidentally, the day Brian Anderson was activated from the DL...). Okay, we've been over this before, but it needs to be said again: the White Sox are winning because of Brian Anderson. I don't really know how else to explain it - as much as Ozzie wants to keep Anderson in the doghouse (oh, and if you were wondering why Lance Broadway was traded last week, look no further than Ozzie), it cannot be denied that he is our lord and savior.
Just look at these stats from May:
Games Played: 28
Games Played Without Brian Anderson: 16
Games Played With Brian Anderson: 12
Record in Games Without Brian Anderson: 4-12
Record in Games With Brian Anderson: 9-3
That's just all sorts of batshit crazy. Sure, Anderson is actually sort of productive at the moment (hitting .275), and is lightyears better than having Lillibridge start on the roster, but let's be honest here - he's Brian Anderson. He's not going to keep this up (as much as I want him to).
Yesterday's game was a prime example.
The Sox were up against the best pitcher in the AL (Zach Greinke), and were trailing until a mini-rally in the 5th. DeWayne Wise, in his first game back from the DL, did absolutely nothing. The score remained tied until the 9th, when Ozzie finally relented to reason and decided to bring in his best player:
Goddamnit! OK, Fine! I guess I have to put in that douchebag Anderson...
And hey, guess what? Anderson draws a walk in his only at-bat, scores, and facilitates a 3-run 9th inning that blows the game open. Jenks comes on, White Sox win, and Anderson saves the day yet again.
Anyone else a believer in the Cult of Brian Anderson?