Friday, July 31, 2009

Mr. Peavy

Peavy, seconds after realizing that he had waived his no-trade clause

Well, I guess Jake Peavy is coming to Chicago after all.

I will give Kenny an "A" for effort - when he wants a player, he will hound them, stalk them, send bits of their children's anatomy in the mail...etc until he gets what he wants. In this case, even though Jake the Snake already said no once this year, Kenny tried again and got his man. Good for you.

Now, if you're even close to a regular Dong reader, you already know why I don't like Peavy. I wrote that bit in reference to him coming to the Cubs - all of those negatives are amplified and then some when you talk about putting him on the White Sox. Not only does the ERA get the usual "moved from NL to AL" boost, but you've got the California "whoa dude chill out" personality of Peavy mixing with the "HEY KID! $%!& YOU TRY $%#&ING HARDER!" of Ozzie. I don't expect it to end well.

There's also the fact that we traded just about every pitching prospect we have to get him. Seriously. Poreda, Richard, Carter and Russell all went away, leaving the next viable AAA starters of Carlos Torres, Kelvin Jimenez...Jeff Marquez...and Freddy Garcia. Notice the drop-off there from "might be useful in the future" to "it's only an acid enema." This is not the way to grow youth.

But hey - I can't bitch about having him now that we do, so WELCOME TO CHICAGO, JAKE PEAVY. I invite you to try our luxurious medical suites, hospital food, and reclining beds as you ride the disabled list to success.

Side note: Watch Clayton Richard completely dominate for the rest of the season in the NL. Book it.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Ortiz on steroids too!

Told you so.

I expect to see the rest of the team join their ranks soon enough.

Relaxation Is Good For The Brain

I'm holding up two really tiny paperweights so that I don't float away

In the wake of Anderson-Gate, I find myself looking at the most recent series of Sox moves with a more...rational approach. You know - trying to find the real reasoning behind moves and not grade everything based on my all-sex no-cuddling relationship with Brian Anderson. Let's see if we can analyze a little, shall we?

In the grand scheme of things, to the Sox, Anderson was either the starting CF or a fourth outfielder/pinch runner depending on who you ask. Ozzie has a "need for speed", so part of Anderson's downfall was his inability to steal bases in tough spots (like running on Miguel Olivo four times in three games - bad idea). When you need speed off the bench, you go with D-Wise - that one's logical.

So OK - you've got this fourth OF, and you're looking to make a move to bring in a lefty bat with some pop. Again, this makes sense - other that Thome and occasionally AJ, none of the lefties on the Sox can hit for power (Getz, Podsednik) or hit at all (Wise). Since you need that power off the bench, but also need a defensive replacement for Podsednik/Konerko (and anywhere else is a bonus), you're looking to get a lefty defensive 1B/OF with power potential. Also, because Sox management hates waiting for talent to develop and always thinks they can squeeze "another good year" out of a washed up vet to WIN NOW, you're looking at picking up an older player who probably has a bit of an injury history so that he comes on the cheap.

Or, in other words, Darrin Erstad. Everyone remembers how well that worked out.

Essentially, Kenny got one super-lucky pickup when he snagged Jermaine Dye for the 2005 season and let it go to his head. I've got news for you - a lot of seemingly washed up older players with injury histories don't turn back the clock. In fact, when you're 30+, it's really hard to be that "scrappy guy with the speed" that everyone remembers after a few surgeries and 10+ years in the majors. I wonder if Kenny called Rickey Henderson's agent before the HoF induction just to test the waters.

So now we have Mark Kotsay - AKA Darrin Erstad II. In order to make room for Kotsay on the roster, Ozzie needs to DFA someone. Your options are pretty limited. You either send down Fields (who has options and is quite obviously keeping Anderson's doghouse warm), send down Jayson Nix (who has played as Chris Getz lite - not something to be proud of), or send Bartolo Colon to the DL in advance and let Richard start.

Unsurprisingly, Fields was sent down, and after Jesus appeared to him in a soggy dream, Fields also decided that he wanted to be traded. Can you blame him? I understand the "Anderson was given every chance" argument, but Fields is obviously not a 3rd baseman. He's not even a left fielder. This is a 1B/DH who needs to work on his bat a little bit but has the potential to be a solid hitter (think Herbert Perry back in the day). Instead, Fields is still victimized by belt-high fastballs. If Fields isn't traded by the end of the week for a bunch of no-name pitchers, I will be stunned.

So here we are post-Anderson-Gate. We now have five outfielders instead of four, and two fast-but-can't-hit lefties sitting on the bench instead of one. If both Wise and Kotsay are starting, you know something is wrong (or that Ozzie decided to rest Konerko and Pods on the same day). I don't know where Ozzie got the idea to trade youth for rental depth, but here we are.

As it stands, I'm 90% sure this deal was a colossal fuckup. Kotsay doesn't have the health to play the way he used to, and will likely be used at 1B as a defensive improvement over Josh Fields. I expect his bat to do...pretty much what Erstad's did. There wasn't much of a reason to trade Anderson for that level of depth when you have other players relegated to die in AAA - Wassermann, Garcia, Lillibridge and Ward all come to mind. While Anderson may be psychotically streaky in his hitting, at least he could play CF at the major league level.

I will be tracking the Pawtucket Red Sox to see if the Cult of Brian Anderson works its magic over there. If so, I highly suggest betting on the Red Sox to win the World Series.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Greetings from Pawtucket!

I'm, uh, really excited to be in Pawtucket. Can't you tell?

I mean, everyone here is really nice. Did you see this cool hat they gave me? It's totally radical. I also get to play Center Field and stuff - it's super keen.

So, uh, how's everyone in Chicago doing?

(listens, sips on Hi-C)

Wow...they haven't won a game since I left? Man, that's a total bummer. It's almost like my presence is somehow tied to the success of the ballclub...

(shifts uncomfortably)

Yeah, it's pretty exciting being up here in Pawtucket, but you have to find ways to fill the time, you know? Everybody really dedicates themselves to being really good at one thing. Josh Fields and I were talking about hobbies. When Josh told me that he was into Jesus, I was like, "cool, maybe I should get a religious hobby too!"

So I made this:

I know it's not perfect - it's really hard to get a lock of hair off of a bald guy, but it's a work in progress.

So who did they trade me for?

Mark Kotsay is white! They traded a me for another white guy!?!?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Brian Anderson Traded


You bastards.

You bastards!

I am outraged, appalled, and most of all very sad for our Chicago White Sox. It's one thing to give DeWaste of Sperm Wise the starting CF job. It's even worse to demote Brian Anderson, but tolerable. But to trade Anderson to the Red Sox? You motherfuckers. If you haven't bet on the Red Sox to win the World Series yet, I suggest you do. I'm telling you right now that Anderson will be back, he will be amazing, and he will provide his magical pixie powers.

Look Kenny - I know you read the blog regularly. You know about the Cult of Brian Anderson. You know that since being demoted, the Sox are 3-6, the team has looked all kinds of sloppy, and that something is seriously wrong. You will also note that the Charlotte Knights went 5-2 during the brief stint that Anderson was there - a pretty big departure from the 6-11 that the Knights were from July 1st up to the 21st.

I've done everything I can to take my mind off the pain. I watched Soriano's walk-off grand slam. I read up on the extent of Tillman's surgery. I even read news about Brett Favre and then punched myself in the balls. Nothing works.

In exchange for our lord and savior Brian Anderson, the Sox receive Mark Kotsay. I expect Kotsay to play exactly 25 games with the White Sox this season - not a single game more. Here's a breakdown of the last two and a half seasons:

Jul 8, 2009: Missed 2 games (right calf injury).
Jul 6, 2009: Right calf injury, day-to-day.
Jun 2, 2009: Missed 51 games (back surgery).
Apr 4, 2009: Back surgery, 15-day DL (retroactive to March 27).
Jul 1, 2008: Missed 33 games (back injury).
May 30, 2008: Back injury, 15-day DL.
May 26, 2008: Back injury, day-to-day.
Oct 1, 2007: Missed the last 42 games of the regular season (lower back pain).
Sep 10, 2007: Transferred from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL (lower back pain).
Aug 17, 2007: Lower back pain, 15-day DL (retroactive to Aug 15th).
Aug 10, 2007: Missed 1 game (back injury).
Aug 8, 2007: Back injury, day-to-day.
Jun 1, 2007: Missed 50 games (back injury).
Apr 23, 2007: Transferred from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL (back injury).
Apr 1, 2007: Back injury, 15-day DL.

And that's JUST from 2007. Remember how all the Sox fans pined to have Aaron Rowand back? Well, instead of doing that let's just get a guy who has the same "I no longer care about living" approach to fielding, but make sure he's older (34) and that his body is incapable of the wear and tear.

I especially love this quote from Ozzie:

"He's going to help us all the way around the field," White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said. "It depends on who needs the rest and where we need him the most."

That's right, ladies and gentlemen - the one year rental cripple will NOT EVEN BE STARTING. Instead, we will watch DeFucking Piece Of Shit Needs To Die Wise continue to stink up CF. If you're a White Sox fan who payed attention at all before Wise's catch in Buerhle's perfect game, you know what I'm talking about. He's terrible. No, terrible is too vague. Remember when Royce Clayton was on the Sox? Take the batting ability, and then subtract the ability to play his position in the field. If you need further proof of how bad he is, watch Wise finish up the game with his last at-bat. He looks the most capable when he has the bat on his shoulder.

So really, we've traded a very capable defensive CF with some hitting problems that never could crack the starting lineup for an older, injury prone defensive CF who is more likely to crack his femur than crack the starting lineup. And we're starting an INCAPABLE CF who can't hit a fucking baseball.

What. The. Fuck.

Oh, and don't give me that "Kotsay is left-handed" business. Wise is also left-handed. And don't tell me it's for "power" as Kotsay has 8 HR in the last three years combined.


In other news, Mark Buerhle further enters the annals of history. If Buerhle weren't so fucking amazing I probably would have had another 2-3 paragraphs to bitch about this Anderson trade.

A Day Filled With Bad News

Just because it didn't happen yesterday doesn't mean I didn't want it to

So...could we find a way to suck more? Since Buerhle's perfect game, wins have been hard to come by. We lost 3/4 to Detroit, and then took another loss at the Metrodome last night. The defense was a joke, especially during a particularly disgusting 2nd inning that had the Twins scoring 2 runs on 2 singles (and 2 errors). In other news, AJ and Alexei are trying to kill eachother in the dugout, and Brian Anderson is asking to be traded.

This sucks.

You know, it's funny. I was watching this game for the sole purpose of making sure that the Cubs would lose, but found myself taking a different view of it. The reality is "which team sucks less?" In a game where the last 5 innings had both teams getting baserunners to 2nd or 3rd with less than 2 outs almost every time, you knew that someone would have to accidentally get a hit.

As it so happens, Soriano decided to end one of his worst days with a bang, a walk off grand slam. What the newspaper will probably overlook is that until that grand slam, Soriano had three K's, and neglected to run out a fair chopper (didn't even leave the batter's box) that could have been even worse had the runner not advanced to 2nd on contact.

Oh, and don't even get me started on that "suicide squeeze" where Fontenot NEGLECTED TO MAKE CONTACT, leaving Bradley dead in the water on the squeeze play. I especially enjoyed that one.

Also worth noting: the Astros' Arias is going to be a sick closer one day, as that guy's pitches have movement, speed, and location that's like watching the catcher hold up an oversized magnet.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Buehrle: 3, Unlikely Events: 0

Even though you have saved Mark Buehrle's perfect game here, I still hate you D-Wise. Rest assured, I will not rest until you are gone.



Is there anything he can't do? No-hitter, hits a home run, and now this. I'm just waiting for him to switch to the hot dogs and beer diet, become a DH and start pounding homers until he breaks every record known to man.

Seriously - I'll bet Buehrle is posing for his bronze statue as we speak.

The 2009 White Sox AKA How Greg Walker Might Keep His Job

See you behind the bleachers, baby.

With yesterday's come-from-behind White Sox victory, two incredible things happened. First of all, Gordon Beckham's average dropped to .299 by going 0/2. Second, the 6 "constant" players for the Sox (Thome, Konerko, AJ, Dye, Alexei and Podsednik) ended yesterday's game with a combined average of .290. That's pretty much ridiculous for a team that struggled to hit for the last three years.

Obviously, an unprescedented turnaround by Pods has helped his batting average enormously, but no one really expected Konerko and AJ to have career years. Likewise, the team batting average doesn't account for Beckham (as I said earlier, hitting .299), and Quentin (currently hitting .232, but come on - how long is THAT going to last).

One of my high hopes for the 2009 season was that if the Sox offense tanked, it would finally be time to say goodbye to Greg Walker. The majority of "established" hitters that have come here and tanked (see: Nick Swisher, Wilson Betemit, Toby Hall...etc) is a little too common to just call it coincidence. It's also worth noting that the 2007 team's best hitter was Rob Mackowiak with a .275 average. Pathetic.

With this recent resurgence of the offense (I actually watch the games if the Sox are down by less than 3 now), I'm wondering how much - if any - of this has to do with Walker. I highly doubt that he decided to change how he handles the how much of this is just dumb luck? How much of the last few years was just shitty luck on his part? Does the hitting coach DO anything? It's not like my perpetual request to fire Ron Turner - the Offensive Coordinator IS responsible for a shitty gameplan...but the hitting coach? I'm not so sure.


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This seems ass backwards to me...

According to ESPN:

The Chicago Bears have joined a growing NFL trend of placing a corporate logo on their practice jerseys.

The Bears entered into a three-year partnership with NorthShore University HealthSystem, and will wear a NorthShore patch on the front of their practice jerseys.

"We are thrilled with our new NorthShore University HealthSystem partnership," said Chris Hibbs, Bears senior director of sales and marketing. "Our goal is to align our team with organizations that share our values and drive for excellence.

"NorthShore's devotion to quality care and focus on a streamlined brand message makes them an ideal business partner for the Bears. Further, we are particularly excited about NorthShore's position as the Bears first-ever practice jersey sponsor. NorthShore's high standards make them a perfect fit for this prominent Bears asset."

OK, hang on a second... the Bears and NorthShore HealthSystem share the same values? I believe the Bears value crushing skulls and knocking the shit out of people. I assume that NorthShore HealthSystem doesn't train their staff to hit people at full speed with total disregard for their physical well-being and long term health.

I guess if you look at it from a "partnership" perspective, they definitely help each other out - the Bears send people to the hospital and the hospital tries to get players back on the field. It's a good business model, but don't feed me some shit about "values" and "standards"... I hate media spin.

Better sponsorship suggestions:

- Luols Dong, the premier Chicago sports blog
- The US Army (Soldier Field...)
- Cisco (No reason. Still better than NorthShore)

I will eat your children.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

There is no god

Cue the sad "Walking Away" music.

You bastards. You finally did it.

I had hoped, nay, prayed that the combination of Ozzie's preferences and hatred for Anderson would not be enough to sway proper logic. I had hopes that reason would prevail, and that the Sox would make the correct decision when Quentin came off the DL.

Sadly, I was wrong.

Instead, Anderson's last AAA option is used (because heaven forbid we take a risk at losing our lefty sub .200 hitter that plays a lousy CF) to send him down while DeWayne Wise - somehow - continues to hold a spot on this team.

What the hell are you guys doing!?

Anderson hits better (doesn't take much), fields better (obviously), and runs comparably to Wise. Also, Anderson can TAKE A FUCKING WALK, as evidenced by the three that Wise has vs Anderson's 20). With Quentin not at 100%, you're going to be resting him in the late innings and in blowouts. Also, as evidenced by yesterday's "jumping at the wall for no reason", Pods can't really play center anymore.

Do you really want your "defensive replacement" to be DeWayne Wise? That's like having Thome play 1st base. Sure, he can do it, but it's not going to be pretty.

I'm so pissed right now.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Relaying the reality

If you didn't see this, you didn't go to the game.

After Sunday's depressing loss to the hapless Baltimore Orioles, there's not a whole lot that can be said. We couldn't hit (Guthrie? Really?), we couldn't field (don't even get me started on Ramon Castro), and we sure as hell couldn't pitch (Poreda isn't a firefighter). Rather than torture myself explaining the entire game, I just want to touch on a couple of points and let you look at some pretty pictures.

It's less painful that way.

Stan Lee says: "Excelsior!"

DeWayne Wise needs to go:
I am having trouble quantifying my hatred for D-Wise. It's one thing if you're someone who belongs on the team and just can't get the job done (see: Josh Fields vs the fastball, Octavio Dotel in a clutch situation), but it's an entirely different thing if you never had a place on the team to begin with. Wise is a pinch-runner who has somehow managed to replace Brian Anderson despite a sub .200 batting average, an inability to drive in runs (7 RBI after his solo shot today), an inability to field his position (being fast doesn't mean you know how to throw the ball to cut off the runner advancing to third) and the worst at-bat music in the world.

In a perfect world, I am able to watch D-Wise run the bases for Jim Thome, and then SIT HIS ASS ON THE BENCH until another one of our sluggers gets on base in a "we need a runner" situation. Unfortunately, I am doomed to watch him waste a spot in the linup (oh, whoop-de-do he hit a HR on Sunday. It's his first. How are those 24+ strikeouts looking?). He strikes out in 1/4th his at-bats, and allows so many extra base hits that even sane fans miss Brian Anderson. If Anderson gets traded at the deadline in a package deal for something (leaving CF to Wise), Ozzie will find a nice bucket of my excrement on his doorstep.

Guess the year Melvin Mora was on steroids!

Slow Pitcher + Slow Catcher = Problems:

Ramon Castro made sense when he was acquired - he's a veteran catcher who can hit and gives the Sox a legitimate option when they need to rest AJ. All of these things are fine. However, making him "Contreras' personal catcher" means all sorts of problems between the two of them. If you were watching the game, you would know that Castro had about 3 passed balls and some forkballs that he let get away for good measure. Likewise, Contreras can't throw out a baserunner for his life (the pickoff move has hit new lows - he looks like a flailing cat trying to fake a throw). Between the two of them (and another lackluster CF effort from D-Wise), the Orioles scored two runs from guys who were only on 1st base. An easy advance around the bases from a few steals, passed balls, and throwing errors from Castro made it that much easier to get around the basepaths.

I'm not saying to dump Castro - I think he definitely has a place on this team. Hopefully this was just one ugly game in a series of good ones, but if he's going to be that far off his mark (he makes AJ look accurate throwing to 2nd), he can't be catching for Contreras on a regular basis. We would need to have a trail of jellybeans from 1st to 2nd to make it more enticing for the baserunner.

Sox fans - classy to the end.

Poreda could use a real shot:

There's nobody questioning Poreda's ability - he has done everything he can to prove himself at every level. He's a hard worker, and at the very least, really really attractive trade bait. It makes it just that much sadder that he can't find regular work on the team. Poreda has been with the squad for about two months now, and has been used for only 11 IP in a bullpen role. With Clayton Richard suffering in the rotation, why not give Poreda a shot? It'll do more for his psyche than coming into a bases-loaded situation in a close game after not pitching for more than a week.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Jesus fucking christ, I miss sports

The man, the legend, the miscreant, JD (aka Baldricks McFatass) spent the past week completely dominating news coverage all over the globe.

BMF is a well-hung, mostly bald gentleman who enjoys long walks on the beach, collecting baseball cards and pretending that he can play guitar. He also manages to pull all kinds of ass (some chick in a wheelchair last weekend, apparently) and never runs out of stories:

Here he is at the Michael Jackson coverage in LA, all the way on the left at the 1:05 mark (red t-shirt):


Here he is hogging the spotlight at the All-Star game:

And here is one more random pic from last weekend:

(That's not actually him, but could easily be...)

Also, our boys over at Uncle Empire had a nice piece on the ASG in St. Louis - Check it out.


Tuesday, July 14, 2009


In other news, the AL won the All-Star game. Again. Like, for the 12th time in a row. Say what you want about the ASG not mattering, but when WS home field advantage comes around (certainly not for the Cubbies), don't come crying to me when the NL doesn't get it.

Bi-Annual Hockey Update

Dale Tallon, one of the many people responsible for a spectacular 2009 Blackhawks season is...being fired?

Wait, what?

I mean, I know that the Blackhawks like to give things the quick hook when they're not working (see: firing Denis Savard 4 games into the season), but it's not like Tallon was a colossal fuckup or anything. He put together a pretty solid team as GM! Stan Bowman will be taking over GM duties.

I would have to guess that this firing has something to do with the way that contracts were handled this offseason. For the uninitiated, Tallon may have botched the way that restricted free agents would have been handled. If the Hawks had not resigned a player (such as Versteeg), and he had signed somewhere else, the Hawks would get nothing. That's kind of a problem when you do it for six players.

Can you imagine if the Blackhawks front office worked with any other Chicago sport? The quick hook would change everything. I would kill to see Ron Turner out on his ass as Offensive Coordinator after one too many fuckups, or even someone going toe-to-toe with Ozzie or Lou to keep them on edge (world series = immunity). Oh, and Greg Walker? Your days are numbered, sir.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Eric Estrada Loves You Too

Jesus Christ. Someone turn him into glue already.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

"Bartolo Watch"

Did anyone check Sea World?

Apparently, the largest athlete in baseball has gone missing. Bartolo Colon was supposed to start yesterday but he never showed up and nobody can find him. According to ESPNChicago:

The Knights are the Triple-A affiliate of the Chicago White Sox, and Chicago general manager Ken Williams said Tuesday that Colon was supposed to be in Charlotte preparing for Thursday's start. No one was sure of Colon's whereabouts.

"He never showed up last night," said John Agresti, the Knights' director of media relations. "He's still scheduled to start tonight."

"The 'Bartolo Watch' is going on," Agresti said.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen joked about Colon on Wednesday.

"I worry about Colon because Colon was a big-time Michael Jackson fan," Guillen told reporters. "He might [watch] the TV and cry all day long. Maybe he is in L.A. at his funeral, because I can't find him. When he gets to Charlotte, Oney [Guillen's son] will call me to say he's there.

"Nobody knows how big of a Jackson fan Colon was. I'm serious. He might be depressed a little bit," Guillen added.

I love Ozzie. Seriously, he's fucking awesome.

On a seperate note, how the hell does Ryan Dumpster, the Cubs stud SP, BREAK his toe jumping over the railing in a game?

Look dad, a uniformed retard!

Haven't baseball players been jumping over the railing for 100 years? Has this ever happened to anyone before? Jesus. Can someone please tell me what it feels like to be a Cubs fan? I imagine it's probably like having your pubes set on fire while you're forced to eat sliders from White Castle while wearing a sealed buttplug.

The TPC says it's worse than that, actually. And he would know


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Speculative Bullshit

He's not relaxing - his hip is broken.

When you see a headline like this, you know that the first thought on your mind is "What Would the Sox Have to Do to Get Halladay?" I'm not going to pretend that he's a "perfect fit" or anything like that. What I will say is that he's one of the best AL pitchers (statistically, he's only behind Greinke in 2009), and that he's a monstrous workhorse. I want the Sox to get him, and I want it NOW.

With a rotation of Buerhle, Halladay, Danks, Floyd and Contreras, we almost certainly take the division, and have a beastly 1-2-3 punch for the playoffs. Halladay's contract also extends through 2010, and although he has a no-trade clause, it's not like he's just a one-year rental. Throw in the fact that we're going to have a LOT of money freed up next season (Thome and Contreras will not be costing us a combined 20 million), so it's not out of the question to re-sign him if he crosses over.

So what would it take?

Sadly, I can't think of a single scenario that doesn't involve the Sox losing Poreda (as Kenny will refuse to trade Gordon Beckham...and rightfully so). You also have to keep in mind that the only reason to trade Halladay would be to shed contract and get youth to rebuild. With Poreda and Richard as the known starting point for an A-rank pitcher (see: Jake Peavy), we have the following to work with:

#1. Sox trade: Poreda, Anderson, and two solid minor league players (think Jon Link and Dexter Carter) for Halladay. As much as I hate to lose Anderson, this trade probably makes the most sense. The Sox solve their outfielder problem (currently Quentin, Wise, Anderson, Podsednik and Dye), and Ozzie doesn't do any damage to the core of the existing team. The Blue Jays get a cheap centerfielder that they can use to replace Vernon Wells, and some pitching depth for the future. Carter has been in "about to get traded" mode for a little while (he's still stuck on the Intimidators), and this would probably make sense.

#2. Sox trade: Poreda, Richard, and Fields for Halladay and minor league infielder. This seems less likely, mostly because the stocks of both Richard and Fields have dropped tremendously this season. The Jays get immediate pitching impact and a replacement for Rolen at 3B (with 2010 being the last year of his contract and considering his injury history, he also makes a good "sell-high" candidate) with some upside. Frankly, I don't think either team really "wants" to do a deal like this, though - the Sox lose another infielder (of which they have few), and the Blue Jays don't get a long-term position player.

#3. Sox trade: DeWayne Wise and Jimmy Gobble for Bag of Baseballs and Greeting Card. Please. Make this happen. I hate them both so SO much...

Monday, July 6, 2009

Long Live the Dong

The TWO....PUMP.... CHIZZI!!!!!

You can't buy pride...


Sunday, July 5, 2009

Calling Bullshit on the Michael Jackson Bandwagon Jumpers

Things have been very busy here at F.A.G. headquarters lately -- I'm making arrangments to have my foreskin reattached, I've been gambling on Amish pit fighting, and I'm finally close to beating Sonic The Hedgehog. But being the Dong's resident music critic, I thought i'd take a minute to address this Michael Jackson thing.

As some of you might have noticed, he is quite dead. You might have also noticed a lot of people coming out of the woodwork to say how great he was, how he was an inspiration, how timeless his music is. Everyone is spewing forth these sentiments suddenly, from fellow celebrities and musicians, all the way down to that bitch who works down the hall. Lame white people are driving around blasting "Rock With You" from their Volkswagens. Even our own ace journalist Gepetto tried to cash in by "unearthing" some MJ footage that has only ever been seen by, oh, about 30 million people at Disneyland in the '80s.

Funny thing, though: Two weeks ago, if you were to ask any of these people (except maybe Diana Ross) what they thought of MJ, the answer would undoubtedly be "That fucking guy? He's weird. His face is fucked up and he touches boys' pee-pees."

Make no mistake, Jackson was certainly a musical prodigy. "Billie Jean," "Thriller," and "Beat It" all rule your goddamn ass, as does my personal favorite "Leave Me Alone." Even the stuff he did as a little kid with the Jackson 5 smokes anything that most fully-grown pop singers could come up with today. Plus, he invented the moonwalk. The motherfucking moonwalk!!! So, credit where credit's due and all that.

But let's get real here: nobody among us has given a flying fuck about this guy for 20 years. And if anyone has, it was certainly not because of his music. The only reason to have paid attention to him at all was due to ridiculous plastic surgery, publicity stunts, and barely-denied charges of child molestation. Maybe one of you out there is like, "no man, I really liked HIStory Part 1." And if so, I'd like to congratulate you on being a giant douche. But since about 1991, most people's interest in his life -- and death -- stems from this uncontrollable attraction to his eccentricities and the circus of nutty shit that always surrounded him. Even Slash from GN'R knew to keep his distance.

And then there's all these new-school celebrities who have lined up to suck at the teat of MJ-related publicity. I'm not gonna name names, but a lot of people are kissing ass lately, in interviews, on CNN, and even releasing hastily-recorded covers of Jackson's music. How about we make this a simple math problem:

Babbling about Michael Jackson post-mortem
+ talked shit while he was alive
= Fuck you, you are full of shit.

And lastly: How badass would it be if at his funeral, he suddenly popped out of the coffin and did "Thriller"?

McNair downgraded to "Doubtful"

I'm still confident he'll find a way to get on the field - there is no injury that can hold this guy back.

That marks the 5th celebrity death in the past two weeks. If there are more to come, I'm looking at the following trends:

- Entertainers (5/5 - McMahon, Fawcett, Jackson, Mays, McNair)
- White people (4/5 - McMahon, Jackson, Fawcett, Mays)
- People who would do anything to get balls in their hands (3/5 - Jackson, Mays, McNair)
- Scam artists (2/5 - McMahon, Mays)

On that note, I have the following suggestions on the "next to go" list:

#1. OJ Simpson (broken heart)
#2. The Sham-Wow guy (drug overdose)
#3. Regis Philbin (murder-suicide)
#4. Mickey Rourke (suicide)
#5. Bernie Mac - wait, he's already dead. Who's that guy who's a ripoff of Mac? Uh...Tyler Perry? Yeah, let's go with that (murder).

Friday, July 3, 2009

Gotta Love Buehrle

If there's one thing I love about Mark Buehrle, it's his ability to dominate and still not be a total douche (see: Curt Schilling). Then there's this gem:

In the eighth inning, after Mark Teahen grounded out to second for the first out, Buehrle rolled the ball toward the Royals' dugout...With two hits earlier in the game, Teahen entered this at-bat with 22 hits in 49 at-bats against Buehrle.

"I asked him if he would sign it," said Buehrle as to why he rolled the ball toward the Royals dugout. "I have it right there in my locker. I finally got him out. Last time here, I had (Willie) Bloomquist sign a bat for me because I finally got him out. I have a little collection of guys that own me."

Bloomquist, who finished 1-for-3 against Buehrle Thursday, is 12-for-25 lifetime when facing the White Sox ace. Buehrle wondered aloud how one-time Royals outfielder Brandon Berger hadn't caught on with another team just to face him, with four home runs and seven hits in 21 career at-bats against the southpaw.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

BoGo-es to Detroit

"I could see myself in those colors..."

Well that was quick.

Ben Gordon is headed to Detroit for a 5 year, $55 Million deal.

Gorden and Chuck Villanueva are the first movers this offseason, both headed to Detroit for a lot of money (another ~40 Million for Chuckie V).

I had convinced myself over the past few months that the Bulls should do whatever it takes to re-sign BoGo - he's a consummate professional, and I don't know too many other top 10 draft picks who average 20+ and spend their best years as a 6th man without complaining. He's a career 20 point scorer, loves the big shots and plays hard (and hurt). He gets better down the stretch in games and over the course of the season (see: playoffs). Oh, and he is still only 26 years old.

Obviously the Bulls are better off with him on the roster.

All that being said, this is more of a financial move than anything else. The Bulls offered Gordon 50M for 5 years in 2007 and 54M for 6 years in 2008 - both rejected (although Gordon apparently tried to get that last offer back and the Bulls gave him the finger). It's not that we didn't want to keep him, it's more that we'd rather have the cash on hand to make a move in next years class (Amare, Bosh, Wade Nowitzki, Joe Johnson, King James) and put together a true contender. With Gordon, we're a really good team but not a great one.

So next year might be tough (nobody strikes fear into the hearts of defenders like BoGo with seconds left on the clock) and we don't really have a go-to scorer (sorry Derrick). We will definitely miss his offense.

This is a long-term move that creates some short-term pain. If we can use the cash to bring over Amare, then we're better in year 2 that if we had re-signed Gordon. If not, then this is going to be a tough loss for the team.

So, farewell BoGo. Congratulations on the fat contract, you definitely earned it. Thank you for providing one of the most entertaining playoff performances since MJ. You will be missed. See you in the motown showdown.



A whole lot went on yesterday:

#1. Khabibulin signs with the Oilers
#2. Hawks sign Marian Hossa to a lifetime deal (12 years? Really?)
#3. Ben Gordon skips go to Detroit (and we offered him a comparable deal with more years, too)
#4. Gordon Beckham continues to rake, Sox continue to win
#5. Cubs manage to win a game against the lowly Pirates, still suck.

Since I'm lazy, and in a hurry (we DO have jobs), anyone want to handle coverage in the comments?

This is insanely awesome and really catchy:

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Mein Fukudome!

How do you get wrecked by a guy named Ohlendorf? Just ask the Cubs, who managed to get blanked by some guy named Ross Ohlendorf. To give you an idea of how pathetic this is, I would like to point out the following:

#1. Ohlendorf gave up 6 ER to the Rockies two starts ago
#2. Ohlendorf is on the Pirates
#3. In his last 11 starts, Ohlendorf has given up 12 HR and walked 19 batters (63 IP).
#4. Prior to tonight's start, Ohlendorf had a 4.75 ERA (down from 4.94 the previous week)

When you find yourself playing against this guy you're EXPECTING to hit at least 1 HR and get about 1.5 walks. When he started against the Sox, we got 2 HR off him, 2 BB, and scored four runs off him (3 earned) in 7.2 IP.

The Cubs?

No walks. No homeruns. No runs AT ALL. Four hits in 7 IP and a season high (career high?) 8K's for Ohlendorf. Fucking pathetic. The amazing tandems of Soriano/Fukudome and Fox/Hoffpauir combined for an impressive 0-15 with 9 LOB. Bravo.

In other news, the White Sox dominated the hapless Indians in a rain-delayed beatdown. Rather than try, the Sox put out their shitsquad lineup, starting almost EVERY BENCH PLAYER WE HAVE. When Jayson Nix is in LF, Josh Fields is playing 1B, and Brian Anderson is finally allowed to start in CF, you know that Ozzie isn't even trying. I still think he should have rested Dye for Wise and taken out Pierzynski for Castro to seal the deal.

More importantly, Beckham has now raised his average to .267 after going hitless in his first 15 major league ABs. In the last week, Beckham is 10/17 (.588 avg), and is now happily recruited by my fantasy team (thanks for dropping him prematurely, Kegs). If Kenny Williams isn't trying to "buy" at the trade deadline I'm going to be stunned.