Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Quick Thought

I know we talked about this before, but where the hell are all the good Chicago mascots?

Here's a quick rundown of what we have right now:

Bulls: Benny the Bull
Bears: Staley The Bear (who...?)
Blackhawks: Tommy Hawk
White Sox: Southpaw (retired?)
Cubs: ...Ronnie WooWoo?

Seriously, I had to actually think beyond Tommy Hawk and Benny the Bull to get to Southpaw, and even after that it was straight to Wikipedia to figure out the rest of these.

Is it that hard to find cheap mascot costumes? Or discount mascot costumes for that matter?

Benny and Tommy are actually pretty kickass, but the rest of these aren't going to cut it. What good is Southpaw with Buerhle gone? Here are some quick new suggestions for the Bears, Sox, and Cubs.

Bears: Quarterbear.
  • Appearance: Looks like a real bear, except one arm is in a sling. The other arm has the playbook on it. May or may not be attached to someone annoying from "The Hills"
  • Attitude: Sulks, gets injured right before the playoffs. Has Wilford Brimley on speed dial.
Sox: Anti-Fan
  • Appearance: Looks like a normal Sox fan, except instead of wearing pro-Sox materials, simply wears anti-Cubs gear. Sports a "Cuck the Fubs" hat, T-Shirt with a billy goat on it, and generally seems surly.
  • Attitude: Points out jubilantly when the Cubs lose, chants "1908", and tunes out mid-season once both teams are out of contention.
Cubs: Bleacher Bob

  • Appearance: Drunk. Very very drunk. Is surrounded by incredibly hot drunk chicks.
  • Attitude: Super-chipper, very friendly, completely oblivious to the fact that he's anywhere near a baseball game.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Drugs Are Bad, M'Kay?

Sam Hurd, your talents make football more enjoyable. When you were acquired from the Cowboys, I was so excited. I said to myself, "That guy looked like a playmaker with Romo - imagine what he could do with Cutler!"

I had no idea that in addition to playing football, you could also be one of the largest coke dealers in the history of Chicago. I mean, that's just flat-out impressive. Nate Newton's 213 lbs of Mary Jane? Small time. Hurd was apparently looking to buy 5 to 10 kilograms of cocaine per week for distribution in the Chicago-land area.

Despite currently looking at 40-years or more in the slammer, I still think I would rather have 60+ year old Hurd's hands than current Hester. Just saying.