Luol's Dong

Scalabrine Taking Us Into Number 900

2012-01-16T23:39:00.001-06:00

For post #900, I give you...

THE BEST OF SCALABRINE

Go HAWKS!

2012-01-09T10:51:00.001-06:00

Quick Thought

2011-12-27T10:49:00.003-06:00

I know we talked about this before, but where the hell are all the good Chicago mascots?

Here's a quick rundown of what we have right now:

Bulls: Benny the Bull

Bears: Staley The Bear (who...?)

Blackhawks: Tommy Hawk

White Sox: Southpaw (retired?)

Cubs: ...Ronnie WooWoo?

Seriously, I had to actually think beyond Tommy Hawk and Benny the Bull to get to Southpaw, and even after that it was straight to Wikipedia to figure out the rest of these.

Is it that hard to find cheap mascot costumes? Or discount mascot costumes for that matter?

Benny and Tommy are actually pretty kickass, but the rest of these aren't going to cut it. What good is Southpaw with Buerhle gone? Here are some quick new suggestions for the Bears, Sox, and Cubs.

Bears: Quarterbear.

Appearance: Looks like a real bear, except one arm is in a sling. The other arm has the playbook on it. May or may not be attached to someone annoying from "The Hills"
Attitude: Sulks, gets injured right before the playoffs. Has Wilford Brimley on speed dial.

Sox: Anti-Fan

Appearance: Looks like a normal Sox fan, except instead of wearing pro-Sox materials, simply wears anti-Cubs gear. Sports a "Cuck the Fubs" hat, T-Shirt with a billy goat on it, and generally seems surly.
Attitude: Points out jubilantly when the Cubs lose, chants "1908", and tunes out mid-season once both teams are out of contention.

Cubs: Bleacher Bob

Appearance: Drunk. Very very drunk. Is surrounded by incredibly hot drunk chicks.
Attitude: Super-chipper, very friendly, completely oblivious to the fact that he's anywhere near a baseball game.

Thoughts?

Drugs Are Bad, M'Kay?

2011-12-15T14:17:00.003-06:00

Sam Hurd, your talents make football more enjoyable. When you were acquired from the Cowboys, I was so excited. I said to myself, "That guy looked like a playmaker with Romo - imagine what he could do with Cutler!"

I had no idea that in addition to playing football, you could also be one of the largest coke dealers in the history of Chicago. I mean, that's just flat-out impressive. Nate Newton's 213 lbs of Mary Jane? Small time. Hurd was apparently looking to buy 5 to 10 kilograms of cocaine per week for distribution in the Chicago-land area.

Despite currently looking at 40-years or more in the slammer, I still think I would rather have 60+ year old Hurd's hands than current Hester. Just saying.

Oh Well

2011-11-30T21:36:00.000-06:00

So Orton's not coming here. At least we have this!

It's time.

2011-11-22T15:29:00.004-06:00

Bingo.

In a noon press conference on Monday, Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith announced the team will pursue the services of free agent veteran quarterback. Coach Smith said the Bears expect to get Cutler back late in the year, but still anticipate signing an additional QB to backup Caleb Hanie, saying, "The plan is to look for a veteran, preferably." (here)

Fuck movember it's now neckbeardvember. All of Chicago needs to grow a thick, shaggy neck beard and petition to bring back our prodigal son... (frighteningly, this actually makes a LOT of sense).

Next stop: Super Bowl.

-KEG

Cutler Is Dead

2011-11-21T20:04:00.002-06:00

It'll be OK...just ask for a double-check discount

Well, that's some lousy news. Cutler, out until (roughly) the playoffs, and during a year where he has largely been everything we paid for and more. Great pocket presence, great accuracy, and great insulin-taking...right when we need it.

So now we have this.

Frankly, I am in favor of what Cutler did on the play that caused all this. It's gutsy and dumb. It's exactly what I like. It's like buying hockey equipment in Mexico. And sure, he may be gone for now, but Hanie is enough to get it done.

Despite all the whining, the real issue here isn't even our team. The Bears have been great - the defense has improved markedly, and since Bennett has been back, there's an element to the offense not named "Forte." Even with Hanie at the helm, I'm not worried about our skill level or ability to win games.

I am worried about the Lions and Packers, who threaten to dominate the division anyways. Why can't we be in the AFC West? Or even the NFC West?

Bah

Chitown Homeboy Just Crushing It

2011-11-16T12:35:00.002-06:00

Hooters Kiss - Watch MoreFunny Videos
via Break

Love the swagger on this dude. That's how we do it in Chicago.

Nice sweetness jersey.

-KEG

Bears Take a Dump on Detroit

2011-11-14T13:03:00.003-06:00

Oh fuck yes. Revenge is delightful. The Lions are a bunch of assholes - cheap shots and dirty plays all over the place. Aside from losing Chris Williams for the season (NOOOOO!!!!), this was a statement victory.

Classic Bears win from all the things we do well: special teams, defense, take away's and limited mistakes on offense. Loving Cutler right now. And I guess we shouldn't pay Forte?? I like him running angry...

Now go back to not making cars, Detroit.

That was a pleasant surprise!

2011-11-07T23:55:00.003-06:00

Good to have you back, Earl.

Bears 30, Eagles 24.

Our offensive line just dominated that entire game. Pass protection was great (Cutler was only hit ONCE tonight and it was a late hit penalty that saved our final drive), run blocking was great (Forte and Barber: 33 carries for 164, 1TD) and only a handful of penalties instead of the normal barrage of false starts and holding calls.

Cutler played yet another awesome game and looked a lot more comfortable in the pocket with big Earl out there as a safety valve. The Eagles were supposed to have one of the best secondaries ever assembled and we beat them pretty handily. We only punted twice all game (not including the final kick to run clock) and without the Forte fumbles, we probably would have put up even better numbers offensively. No problems converting 3rd downs and overall not a lot of mistakes.

Our defense was also stout - loved the hustle from Idonije and Briggs and really impressed with Peppers' ability to impact pretty much every play (even when he's hurt). Our inexperienced secondary was supposed to be a big question mark tonight but we completely locked down Jackson and Maclin. I really like Tim Jennings out there: fast, aggressive and doesn't give up big plays.

The only cons were the uncharacteristic Forte fumbles and the fact that Hester injured his ankle towards the end of the game, although the severity wasn't clear.

This leaves us at 5-3 with a legitimate chance of moving into 2nd place in the NFC North if we can exact revenge on the Lions next week (now a huge game). They kicked our ass a few weeks back but we're a better, healthier team now with a lot more confidence. If Cutler keeps leading the offense the way he's been doing the past few weeks (minus the TB game, he's had QB ratings of 99.6, 115.9 and 96.9), we should be in good shape. He finally looks comfortable back in the pocket and with Forte keeping defenses honest, we might be able to finally implement some crazy Martz aerial fireworks.

GO BEARS!!!

-KEG

A WR Dynasty?

2011-10-23T18:36:00.002-05:00

The ball is superimposed in this image. They had 15 takes where they lobbed it at him for him to catch it when the picture was taken.

So, while the Bears were busy showing those Brits what American football is all about (read: huge financial injustice as Barber's high paycheck mooches carries from the infinitely more productive Forte), I was thinking about Bears WRs.

More accurately, I was watching ESPN 12's in-depth story about Peyton Manning as told by his receivers, and there's a very clear progression: first it was Marvin Harrison who was "the man", then it was Reggie Wayne, and now it's becoming Pierre Garcon. You can clearly see when the WRs are getting phased out of the offense, when guys are up-and-coming, and who excels where.

The same example exists for the Rams (Isaac Bruce -> Torry Holt -> Donnie Avery), the Packers (Antonio Freeman -> Javon Walker -> Driver -> Jennings), the Vikings (Carter->Moss->Rice->Harvin), and the Bengals (Ochocinco -> Houshmandzadeh -> Chris Henry [oops] -> AJ Green) . Sometimes it's not as clear as the examples I have listed above, but there's usually "a guy", and the next in line to take his place.

Sometimes there's a jump in the line (e.g., Berrian's joke of a stint for the Vikings), but generally, there's a visible progression and you can either tell if/when the torch will be passed.

Want to know the last time that the Bears had "a guy?" The last time you could tell who the next Bears WR would be?

Curtis Conway -> Marty Booker -> Bernard Berrian

And that was back in 2004, when Berrian was good. He's been gone since 2007, with nobody to hand the reins to. Want to know what clusterfuck we've been calling WR1 since then?

2007: Mushin Muhammed

2008: Brandon Lloyd

2009: Rashied Davis

2010: Devin Hester

2011: Roy Williams

God help us.

And as for the talent...oh the talent! Whatever happened to Aromashodu (Vikings), Sanzenbacher (WR5 behind Knox, Bennett, Williams, and Hester), and Juaquin Iglesias (Texans)? Weren't these supposed to be our guys of the future, the guys our QBs loved to throw to and wished could see the field more?

As it stands, Cutler is only as good as the talent around him, which other than Forte, is a total joke. Get the man a big WR to hit and some time in the pocket, and watch him turn into a top-5 QB all over again.

Bears / Vikings

2011-10-16T21:28:00.000-05:00

Only 2 false starts so far (6:41 left in 2nd quarter)

2011-10-16T20:30:00.004-05:00

Spontaneous urge to blog!

The Bears offense looks good!

Martz is calling a perfect game, Hester hasn't dropped any balls, the O-line has been surprisingly solid against one of the toughest pass rushes in the league and most exciting of all, Jay Cutler looks AWESOME for the second game in a row.

I was really impressed with Cutler last week - he literally had no protection at all and still made plays all game long. He extended plays, kept his eyes downfield and didn't really make any mistakes. All this while literally having 1 second to get set.

Tonight, it appears that we're leaving 7 guys in to protect the pocket and it's working quite nicely. Martz can call his 7 step drop / hour-long routes and Cutler is playing well enough to find the open man and make the right throws. We're also using Forte to keep the defense honest (otherwise they would just drop all the linebackers into coverage). I even think I saw Roy Williams make a catch...

Now, it's not even halftime yet and there's plenty of time left to implode, but I'm so impressed with Cutler that I had to blog. Sorry if I end up jinxing us. Jay looks calm, cool, collected and is making awesome throws. I'm amped! Look at this sexy beast:

-KEG

Robin Ventura to Coach Sox

2011-10-08T23:31:00.002-05:00

Forward-Forward-High Kick lets him do the flying kick...

Robin Ventura is going to coach the Sox?

I mean, I always liked the guy, and he was a good 3B, but I don't think he's exactly a managerial wonder. It's like saying that Joe Crede should be the conditioning coach simply because he was a beloved member of the White Sox.

Not sure how this is going to pan out, but for all things Ventura, I will always remember this:

Greg Walker Resigns!

2011-09-28T16:00:00.003-05:00

I don't know about you guys, but this is probably the best thing I've heard all day!

Many of our younger readers may not remember this, but the Sox used to be able to hit. The ball. Effectively.

Here are the statistics for years that Walker "helped":

2011: .252 BA

2010: .268 BA

2009: .258 BA

2008: .263 BA

2007: .246 BA (worst in the majors)

2006: .280 BA (top 10...a fluke?)

2005: .262 BA

2004: .268 BA

2003: .263 BA

2002: .268 BA

The White Sox, despite spending tons of money on hitters every year, failed to crack the top 15 team batting averages more than once in Walker's career as Sox hitting coach. This is a guy who was so bad that Frank Thomas insisted on going back to Walk Hriniak to salvage his swing. With the exception of Paul Konerko, the Sox have not had a consistent .300 hitter since 2003 or earlier.

This is a team that has had players come from other teams where they were successful and fail horribly after "adjustments" (Rios, Dunn...etc) and has had rookie hitters become unable to hit the ball (Beckham).

See ya!

A Haiku, For You

2011-09-27T15:35:00.001-05:00

Cutler is a mope

Martz has some saggy bitch tits

Our offense is bad

Matt Forte is good

Poor guy don't make no money

Still runs like a beast

Gabe Carimi, Jew

Faking a knee injury

For Holiday food?

Hope you found those amusing, could use a good laugh after getting beat up by the Packers at home (although this was pretty funny). Now, I'm going to go place another call into Jerry Angelo's office and remind him that nobody likes him.

-KEG

The End of Ozzie?

2011-09-26T20:19:00.003-05:00

For the last time...I TOLD YOU NO ONIONS!

Apparently, this may be Ozzie's last night representing the White Sox. The rumor is that the Sox have a deal in the works to send him to the Marlins (where he can be back with some old friends). I, for one, am wondering how we really got this far.

Let's all keep in mind: Ozzie is the only living manager to guide the Sox to a World Series victory.

That's a hell of a stat for your resume. It's like saying, "Hey, I AM THE ONLY PERSON ALIVE WHO CAN DO THIS." I, frankly, would interview him for pretty much any job if his resume told me he was the only living person capable.

Even so, Ozzie hasn't really done much else to get him on the good graces of the South Side brass. He runs his mouth, maintains a Twitter that rips on whoever whenever, tries to do a reality show, has an asshole son who gets himself into trouble, and Ozzie himself is kind of an asshole.

Oh, and then there's the questionable decisions. The repeated "gut calls" or "non-calls", such as letting Konerko run for himself in games where we're down run, batting Adam Dunn countless times despite his total uselessness, or obsessing over players like Jerry Owens for their speed and not much else.

Even so, when all is said and done, you gotta be able to respect a guy who comes into contract negotiations with this line:

“F--- more years. I want more money,’’ Guillen said. “I don’t work here for years. No, I want more money. Years, what, I’m going to die poor with the White Sox? Hell, no. Listen this is my job. It’s the only thing I can do. I have to make money out of somewhere. I’m not a doctor or a lawyer, where you’ll have a job for the rest of your life.

I mean, that's pretty baller right there.

Ozzie, if this your last game, I salute you.

Update: Yup. He gone!

Please Take Our Shit. I Beg Of You

2011-09-22T19:07:00.002-05:00

Fellow readers,

I was recently offered the opportunity to do a giveaway by the fine folks at A&E entertainment. They told me "Hey - would your readers love the opportunity to win some free crap?" and I was all like "Yes I would like --- er, I mean, Yes our readers would like some things."

Then they showed up.

Let me tell you right now that no human alive needs two copies of "The Minnesota Twins 1991 World Series Collector's Edition" DVD set. Likewise, I could give a flying fuck about "Angels Memories: The Greatest Moments in Angels Baseball History." Do I look like a fucking Angels fan? THIS IS A CHICAGO BLOG. COME ON.

But wait, there's more!

What about "Magic in Minnesota - Remembering the 1991 World Series Championship?" I REPEAT - I DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THE TWINS. YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING IN ROUGHLY 20 YEARS. GIVE IT A REST.

Oh, and then there's "Baseball's Greatest Games - 1986 World Series, Game 6." Yeah, go Mets over BoSox! Or Maybe "Baseball's Greatest Games - Derek Jeter's 3,000th hit?" Bonus points for being recent, but again, who gives a shit?

And did I mention that they sent me TWO OF EACH DVD!? This is the same company that has actual television shows that people watch! You know, ones that AREN'T ABOUT THE FUCKING MINNESOTA TWINS!

So please, I beg of you, take this DVDs from me. Write an email to GepettoZHog AT gmail.com with the subject line "I'LL TAKE THE SHIT!" and you can take some DVDs from me. Because I sure as shit don't want them.

PS - As part of this "giveaway," I must list the Amazon link to the product. Here. Now, I know what you're thinking - you're thinking "THIS HAS VALUE! I WILL TAKE THEM AND RE-SELL THEM!" and you would be right.

Why Haven't We Acquired Jack Parkman Yet?!

2011-08-29T12:55:00.005-05:00

He looks so good in that uniform...

I don't know how many of you out there know your White Sox history as well as I do, but with this season finishing it's slow crawl into the shitter, it's time to get us a real legend. A man who gets into other players' heads, plays with a fire in his belly, and also can crush a breaking pitch will leading us to the ALCS.

I'm talking, of course, about Jack Parkman.

For those of you that don't recall, Jack Parkman is the superhuman ex-Indians player in the excellent Major League 2 who comes to play for the Sox and carries them to the ALCS with his chain-smoking, pitch destroying mannerisms. Also, his shimmy makes the ladies in Cleveland puke.

Speaking from a pure statistical standpoint, I tracked the performance of Mr. Parkman throughout the entirety of Major League 2.

Parkman starts the movie batting 1.000 in the 6th inning after only 3 hits on the board, and (we are told by Bob Uecker) is 2-2 with runners on the corners. See above. Unsurprisingly, Parkman destroys the pitch for a 3-run homerun.

Parkman: 1.000 AVG, 1R, 1 HR, 3 RBI

Parkman gets traded to the Sox, and vanishes from the movie until the ALCS.

In ALCS game 3, Parkman (somehow on base) steamrolls Indians catcher Becker in a play at the plate, scoring a run. It's unclear how he got on base without a homerun, but use your imagination, people. Parkman gets another homer in the game (against Vaughn), a 3-run shot to end the game. In game 4 of the ALCS, Parkman gets another HR (not off Vaughn) in what appears to be a solo shot.

Parkman: 1.000 AVG (4-4), 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI

Finally, we get to the pivotal scene of the movie, the final showdown between Parkman and Vaughn. Bob Uecker says Parkman is hitting just over .900 against Vaughn, meaning that there was an out at some point in time.

Using basic logic, that would mean that Parkman (who has at least 1 home run against Vaughn as per the playoffs), would need to have at least 10 at-bats against Vaughn in order to compile a percentage higher than .900. For the sake of argument, let's assume that Parkman played all but one series of Sox-Indians while on the Sox. Given that there are generally 5 sets of games played between the two teams over the course of a season, that would imply that Parkman played roughly 12 games against the Indians (4 series).

You're looking at Vaughn pitching a maximum of one time per series. Let's assume that the stars align, and Vaughn pitches to Parkman in every series. That means that there are roughly 12 at-bats of Vaughn against Parkman (minimum of 3 ABs each game, 4 Vaughn starts). For the math to work out nicely here, we assume that Parkman is 11 for 12 against Vaughn over the course of the regular season (for a more-than-respectable .916 AVG against Vaughn).

Parkman: .937 AVG (15-16) 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI

As a result, when Vaughn gets his pivotal K at the end of the movie (Spoiler Alert!), we get a final line on Parkman for the film:

Parkman: .882 AVG (15-17) 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI, 1K

HOW MUCH DOES THIS GUY WANT IN FREE AGENCY AND WHY WON'T KENNY WILLIAMS OPEN HIS WALLET!??!

Preseason Update

2011-08-25T09:29:00.005-05:00

1) Jay Cutler looks skinny. Not better, but skinny. Hey, at least there's less of him to hit.

2) I hope Johnny Knox kills Roy Williams in his sleep. Pillow case and some bars of soap... whatever it takes. I haven't hated a Bears player this much since Cedric Benson was out getting drunk on a boat and punching civilians.

3) Our secondary is severely undersized. Tim Jennings is 5'8, DJ Moore, 5'9, Major Wright, 5'11. If we can't get consistent, quick pressure from our D-line, we're going to get torched over the middle, especially by big receivers (Calvin Johnson (twice), Colsten, Finley (twice), Mike Williams, Vincent Jackson, Bowe - all on the schedule).

4) Marion Barber should be putting Chester Taylor out of work any day now. This is a good thing, being that Barber is actually good and Taylor is not. I'd consider Taylor one of the worst signings we've had in a long time (we paid him $7M guaranteed of a $12M, 4-year deal. Gag.).

5) The offensive line looked pretty solid against a strong Giants pass rush. Carimi, Williams and Garza are better suited to pass-blocking and the group is starting to show some cohesion.If they can buy time for routes to develop, the Martz's offense will look a lot better. Everyone forgets that Kurt Warner had a great O-line in 01 with Orlando Pace, Adam Timmerman, Ryan Tucker and Marshall Faulk was one of the best blitz pick-up guys in the league.

Next preseason game is against the Titans on the 27th - I'd keep an eye on Roy Williams... apparently its put up or shut up time.

-KEG

Pics from the intertube

2011-08-14T23:23:00.004-05:00

Big Gabe Carimi cutting weight. Smells like bagels and lox

The sex cannon is already in rare form... (By the way, I'd bet you he has better stats this season than Cutler. Not kidding.)

My favorite couple ever.

STEPHANIE!

2011-08-14T16:35:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Erasmo Cortez

Man, I love being able to wake up everyday and get ready to the sounds of Stephanie Abrams on The Weather Channel. I’d never had cable or anything before but when we gotDIRECTSTARTV.com satellite I was tuned in all day long and now I can’t stop! I listen to her soothing voice while I’m brushing my teeth and getting dressed and all I can say is WOW, Stephanie, are you single? She’s the prettiest girl on TV right now if you ask me and she’s so smart…that makes her all the more attractive! I really wish I lived in Atlanta so I could try and get to know her but alas, I guess I’m stuck watching her talk about heat waves and weather patterns from the comfort of my own home. I guess that’s not too bad! Anyway, Stephanie, if you’re reading this you should look me up – I promise I’m not a total weirdo! I just have the biggest crush on you and I love what you’re doing over there at The Weather Channel.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEARS!?

2011-08-10T20:12:00.002-05:00

Knox, en route

Bears, what the hell are you doing?

I just don't understand you guys sometimes. Getting Roy Williams was a step in the right direction (bring in some "veteran" presence to an otherwise young and inexperienced WR corps), but demoting Knox to 4th wideout on the depth chart?

Let's do a little number crunch, shall we?

In 2010-2011, Knox had 51 catches for 960 yards and 5 TDs. When you remove the 2 Todd Collins starts, you get 49 catches for 920 yards and 5 TDs in 14 games. Last I checked, that's pretty respectable production for a WR in a ragtag group.

Knox will be sitting behind people who put up the following statlines:

Devin Hester: 40 catches for 475 yards and 4 TDs

Roy Williams: 37 catches for 530 yards and 5 TDs

And I'd like to remind all of you that "In His Prime", Hester was the 1A receiver on the 2008 and 2009 teams. Neither one of those years did he come close to Knox's numbers last year.

And now, some Grade-A defense from Carlos Boozer

2011-08-09T14:31:00.001-05:00

I don't care if this is from 8 years ago - it's still 100% accurate.

Shaking my head...

Do you know who you're talking to?

2011-07-29T08:54:00.006-05:00

Didn't know Justin Beiber and JC share clothing...

I wasn't going to comment on this whole wedding breakup story (because it's asinine) but get a load of this:

So how was his relationship with former fiancee Kristin? “Kristin would call Jay a loser and a p**sy, and she’d scream it at him so everyone could hear. They would have fights about Jay being too conceited. They would also argue over how mean he was to people. She would make a point of saying hello to people in the hall, just to piss him off,” our insider laughingly tells us.

In January, they got into a big blow-out argument after Jay injured his knees during the NFL playoffs. He was diagnosed with a MCL sprain. “Kristin called Jay out, saying she thought he was faking the injury and told him he was worthless.”

If I'm the superstar franchise QB of the historic Chicago Bears, do I really need to listen to this verbal diarrhea from a 3rd rate reality TV castoff? I'm not saying JC has the right to be an asshole to everyone but he certainly doesn't need to come home from a long day at work, mostly comprised of 300 pound men trying to tear his limbs off for 3 hours, and get called "a worthless conceited pussy" by anyone, let alone some unaccomplished attention whore.

No doubt JC is a crappy boyfriend (human being?). I mean, look at this face:

He just found out he got a $50M contract.

Yawn.

He may be all the adjectives listed above but being exceptionally rich and famous generally allows you to create your own reality - including one without a nagging, ball-busting wife. (Yes, life is ultimately unfair. Sorry.)

Hey, at least we signed Roy Williams!

-KEG

Williams Deals, MLB Reels

2011-07-27T21:38:00.002-05:00

For some reason, I always assumed that a beard was digitally removed from this image.

Well, that was quick!

In the blink of an eye, the Sox traded Mark Teahen and Edwin Jackson to get Jason Frasor and Zach Stewart. For those of you looking for a reason to complain, the Sox dealt Jackson (who is in the midst of the best season of his career) and a utility man for a relief pitcher (not something we need) and a prospect.

I couldn't even sell this as Devil's Advocate. I fucking love this trade.

Pros:

Gigantic Salary Dump
Adds a RHP to bullpen (Bruney isn't exactly legit - Frasor is)
Frees up roster space for DeAza (and we saw how that worked out)
Gains Type B FA in Frasor
Gets Humber back into rotation

Cons:

Weakens offensive bench versatility (does it really?)
Lose Type A FA in Jackson
Didn't get more for them

All in all, this is a great deal. The Sox bullpen is now truly filthy (Sale-Thornton-Frasor-Santos-Crain...holy shit), and Omar Vizquel was a better platoon partner than Teahen anyways. The move also allows the Sox to keep Lillibridge on the roster (also better than Teahen) while taking a free roll of the dice on Stewart.

The biggest "risk" here is that we lose offensive pop at 3B - it's between Vizquel and Morel now, and honestly, Teahen wasn't doing much there anyways. I would rather have the rock-solid defense. No one remembers, but the 2005 White Sox didn't exactly have a power offense either. 2 runs is enough to win a game if the pitching is there.

The real question is what does Kenny do with Quentin? He's on a hot streak right now, and this is probably the highest his value is going to get. The Phillies have also been drooling over him. The Sox have a 2012 option on him too, so it's not just a quickie rental for an interested team. Lillibridge can fill in while Viciedo heals, and then it's time for the Tank to get some at-bats. Not sure what we would get, but I suspect it would also be a cash-freeing move.

If only someone would take Rios...

I thought Cubs fans were the dumb ones...

2011-07-27T18:49:00.001-05:00

We're all in...sadly

2011-07-24T17:14:00.002-05:00

This is bad.

Let's take a minute to realize what's going on here:

#1. The Cubs are terrible, the NL Central is a joke, and the PIRATES are in first place. Ergo, there will be no more Cubs discussion this year. Expect Fukudome to be traded along with Marlon Byrd and whatever else can get jettisoned.

#2. The AL Central is a crapshoot. Despite a hot start, the Indians have given way to the Tigers (1.5 game lead), who are only 4 games ahead of the Sox and 6 games ahead of the Twins. This is really anybody's game except for the Royals, who haven't been a factor in 20 years.

#3. The Sox have yet to get above .500.

So really, we have a lot of work to do before we can start talking about how the Sox are still "in it."

The major problems we have had are that money is being invested in abysmal performances. Dunn, Rios, and Teahen were all supposed to be worth their paychecks. Dunn was projected to hit over 40 HRs, Rios to have a .270 BA, and Teahen to bring some lumber. How's that working out for us? Oh yeah - it's pretty bad.

The other thing is that we're pretty stacked with these bad performances. It's one thing when you've got bad players making big money, it's another when they're blocking good youth from playing. Currently, everyone is stroking themselves numb about Viciedo and De Aza and we frankly have no room to bring them up. We have Brent Morel splitting time with Teahen, and Lillibridge fighting Quentin for playing time.

And we can't trade anyone.

Oh yes, we have holes to fill. We need a better CF. We need a better catcher (I like AJ, but come on). We need a better RF, and we can put whatever's left at DH. But let's face it, Dunn and Rios cannot be moved. Even if you bench them for the rest of the season, you need to trade pieces to make room for them.

The only possible pieces I can see the Sox moving are Quentin and Edwin Jackson. Jackson became expendable when Humber came to life (at a fraction of the cost), and Quentin seems to have peaked. I mean, yeah, the guy can carry you when he's hot, but when was the last time that happened? Quentin should be filling the role of DH or LF on a team, not RF.

Let's do a hypothetical here. Let's say that the Braves make a move for Quentin, and the Sox get some prospects. Viciedo gets the call up, plays RF. Is that actually better than Quentin starting there?

Fucking Warhol Museum

2011-07-11T11:01:00.004-05:00

(Hank Willis Thomas, Something to Stand on: The Third Leg, 2007, Courtesy the artist and Jack Shainman Gallery, New York)

My buddy Horse sent me this picture from the Warhol museum in Pittsburgh - apparently, they have an exhibit open now on masculinity and sports and this is one of the pieces of art on display.

Um, are you kidding me? Number one, this shit isn't art (or you can call us "artists" for making up our logo 2 years earlier) and number two, this fucking Hank Thomas guy is straight up stealing our shit.

/quick google search on Hank Willis Thomas

Can we get sue for a billion in royalties? I bet that museum makes at least like, $100, and we would settle for somewhere in the $5-10 range (exponentially increasing our current revenue from this website). I'd also make a deal to settle for no cash but our "piece" gets a spot in the exhibit... it's only fair.

-KEG

About that last post...

2011-06-19T21:39:00.004-05:00

Losing a season of Derrick Rose in his prime would be like destroying a Mozart symphony before anyone had ever had a chance to hear it.

I could watch this all day:

Into the Void

2011-06-19T15:21:00.004-05:00

It's finally here.

Hell on earth.

After an incredible past 2 months, the best NBA season in the past decade is now officially over and a compelling NHL playoff run just ended with the Bruins winning the cup for the first time in 39 years.

Every sports fan knows about the annual sports gap (the 2-3 month period between the NBA playoffs / NHL playoffs and the start of the NFL season and MLB playoffs). Normally, this period is broken up by the NBA draft in June and occasionally the summer Olympics will pitch in to keep people from going insane.

This year is the bleakest sports void in recent history:

1) The 2011 NBA draft sucks monkey balls. This is the worst draft I can remember since 2000 (top 5 picks: Kenyon Martin, Stromile Swift, Darius Miles, Marcus Fizer, Mike Miller). Nobody gives a shit. Oh, and a bunch of small-market teams that might not exist in a year have all the top picks.

2) No Olympics or USA basketball.

3) The NFL dispute will force the 2012 season to be cancelled or at best shortened.

4) The NBA is facing a lockout in 2012.

That leaves us with the possibility of NO FUCKING SPORTS until the World Series and then baseball AGAIN next spring.

As a fan, I'm pretty tired of being shit on all the time. I don't want to spend $75 to go to a game for shitty seats with no view, get overcharged for parking, concessions and merchandise all while having to sit next to a bunch of animals and spend hours in transit. The NBA/NFL is a product- you have to make it worthwhile for people to spend the money.

With alternatives becoming more and more appealing (HDTV, 3D TV, etc) these owners are facing fierce competition to fill their ridiculously large/overpriced new stadiums and match their projected revenue (which, like the assumptions that caused the housing crisis and market collapse, owners assumed that fans would keep spending more and more money forever, sheep being sheep, regardless of anything. And like the housing crises, the general public / fans are the ones who are going to get screwed).

The NBA is in a tough spot - recent negotiations gave the players too much leverage and now even good owners who field a competitive product still lose money (see the Spurs). This will require a significant overhaul and possibly contraction/re-location. Not pretty and will not be resolved quickly.

The NFL issue is all about greed. Owners and players are making money hand over fist and their going to fight about each penny until everyone loses out. There is no right side here (although the players deserve better protection and long term health care, since they give up like 30 years of their life to play in the NFL), I'm pretty sure everyone can go fuck themselves.

So, here we are. Welcome to the desert of the real. Feel free to send in suggestions on how to fill the void. Right now, I'm leaning towards extreme fly fishing and ESPN Classic.

Alternatively, I might just kill myself. Or Jerry Jones.

FML.

Sweet Kyuss cover.

-KEG

Gambling Like the Pros

2011-06-14T12:55:00.004-05:00

When you play in poker tournaments, you generally are looking for the weak link. The guy that sweats, the guy you can read, and the one who clearly doesn't have it in him to stay awake for the long haul and really just needs to go home before he falls asleep on the table. There's all kinds of faces, and frankly, with only baseball left to watch, I gotta do something to keep my brain awake.

In the world of poker, your Chicago White Sox rotation lines up something like this:

The Old Man: Mark Buerhle

There's always some guy who's a legit veteran. You think his eyesight is going. You think he doesn't have what it takes anymore. For all you know, he's got Alzheimer's and he forgot where he is. Even so, you respect the hell out of him based on reputation alone, and you never take your eyes off him. He's a snake in the grass, waiting to strike at a moment of weakness.

The Bluffer: Edwin Jackson

You've got a guy who doesn't even know what his cards are, but he feels he's gotta be in there. Gotta play the hand, gotta get in there, and come on strong. In baseball, the guy can throw crazy breaking pitches and laser beam fastballs, but without the precision and control, it's just as risky.

The Random: Phil Humber

There's always a guy at the final table who has a huge chip lead, but you just don't know how the hell he got there. Most likely going to get taken for a ride by a wily vet, this guy just might surprise you. When you play poker online you're even more likely to find this guy just hoarding cash and jerking off at the same time.

No Sympathy For The Devil

2011-06-13T16:26:00.005-05:00

Still doesn't care...

3 new facts:

1) Chris Bosh is a stud. Most consistent player throughout the playoffs, played big when it mattered and was clutch on both ends of the floor. Bill Simmons can eat his words. Also, this makes me at least want to like him:

2) Dirk is now in the discussion for #2 PF of all time. He just leapfrogged Barkley, is neck and neck with Malone (slight edge for winning a ring as the best player on his own team) and isn't too far behind Duncan (needs a repeat). I would have barely put him in the top 7 or 8 before the season.

3) LeBron is exactly who we thought he was. He's been the golden child since he was 13 years old with nothing but adulation and adoration his entire career (life?). He's always been able to do whatever he wants, however and whenever he wants - everyone else is just lucky to live in his world. He coasts, he whines, he quits and he's petty. He is a man-child (albeit an exceptionally talented one), and we the fans/media created him. We should not be surprised to see his essentially absent performance in games 5 and 6 reflect his own untouchable, infallible concept of himself (if he's not losing the games personally, then he's not a loser).

I don't care that he's missing some of the key traits you tend to see in a real champion (killer instinct), it's his lack of self-awareness that drives me crazy. The guy has no conception of how absurd his persona has become.

Sidenote: I predict a huge wave of LeBron fans as part of a counter-culture movement next season ("I love that guy! He's all like fuck you, I'll play where I want and how I want, you can all kiss my ass. He's so anti establishment!"). Right now, he's basically the nWo-version of Hulk Hogan and he's selling the hell out of it (and we're eating it up)...

-KEG

New Sport

2011-05-31T15:13:00.001-05:00

Let's try this for next year, eh?

Pity Injury

2011-05-29T17:26:00.002-05:00

It seems that Tony Pena is suffering from a mystery ailment. I'm no doctor, but I'm willing to bet that being fucking terrible is the likely culprit of this condition. Known symptoms are: continuing to suck, not having a breaking pitch, inability to consistently hit the strike zone, and making the rest of the White Sox bullpen look good.

The hard luck loser here is Phil Humber, who gets put into the bullpen. That's right boys and girls - the guy who has been our best starter this season has just been sent to fill the void in the bullpen. Granted, we all knew that this "six man rotation" bullshit wasn't going to last, but everyone here knows that Edwin Jackson has been the weak spot in the rotation. Our starters have been amazing for the past month - why fuck it up now?

Damn you Tony Pena.

Life goes on...

2011-05-27T11:37:00.004-05:00

A valiant effort after a great season but the Bulls just got their asses kicked out of the playoffs by the foot of the devil himself.

As much as I hate LeBron, he just played one of the most dominant series I've ever seen. Miles between him and Rose at this point (although Rose is only 22 and doesn't have nearly the help that LeBron has on him team). Just for comparison, I'd love to see this Bulls team play last year's Cleveland team. I bet we would have beaten the shit out of them.

Nevertheless, I think Joe Noah sums it up nicely (thanks Barstool):

Hollywood as hell, bro.

A few observations to carry us through the offseason:

1) Loved the hard Boozer foul on LeBron. Should have been doing that all series. Unfortunately, because he's such a cheap, inflammatory asshole, he managed to jump start the Heat's comeback. I'm pretty sure I hate him.

2) Let's not get ahead of ourselves on Rose's "choke" - he's missed 2 FT's in the last 2 games total. He's our only offensive option being guarded by a) the best defensive player in the NBA who has 5 inches and 100 pounds on him and b) 2 other guys at all times.

3) How much do we wish we'd signed Bosh, Amare, Gay or Joe Johnson rather than Boozer? Not looking good with 4 years left on his deal.

4) Kudos to Luol Deng for having a great all around series. He did a nice job on LeBron and kept us in every game. Always under-appreciated but all-around the most consistent player on the Bulls.

5) We're probably going to see the Heat in the ECF for the next 5 years (barring significant injury) so we better figure out a way to beat them. Tweaking the roster isn't gonna do it.

If it's any consolation, if not for this once in a lifetime all-star Heat team, the Bulls would probably have won the NBA title this year. We would have matched up really well with the Mavs. Could have been the beginning of a Rose-dynasty for the next decade. Depressing.

This is a going to be a long offseason, especially if there is no NFL season. Oh, and 2012 NBA might be cancelled too. Is there not enough money out there for these greedy bastards? Ray Lewis and I are going to have to crack some skulls...

-KEG

Reminder

2011-05-27T00:21:00.001-05:00

Flat out bullshit.

This is considered good basketball? This is considered a "heads up play"?

Fuck this, get me some motherfucking football. I would rather watch holocaust porn than watch that shit get applauded in a basketball game.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck

THIS IS WHERE WE FIGHT!

2011-05-26T10:45:00.006-05:00

Not in our house.

I hope LeBron gets cancer.

Bulls in 7.

-KEG

Why I Hate Basketball

2011-05-23T13:09:00.000-05:00

That.

That, right there, is why I hate basketball.

In what other sport are you not only able to be a gigantic pussy but are ENCOURAGED to do so in order to win? I mean, look at LeBron there - he is 100% flopping. The only way that could be a bigger flop is if he were advertising Gigli and the Rapture at the same time. Flat-out bullshit.

You try that in any other sport, and you become a pariah immediately. In football? You want to claim that the bad man hit you? Shut your fucking face or you will be annihilated. Ditto for hockey - you stop play in hockey because you're missing too many of your teeth for you to close your mouth without gagging on the blood. Anything else and you play through it. Hell, people frequently come close to death in hockey and play doesn't stop until the guy is near death.

The only other sport you can even come close with is baseball (let's face it, this is America, and therefore soccer is only good for watching the hot ass that the players import). In baseball, the only injury you can fake is pretending to be hit by the ball when you weren't. MLB is a non-contact game played by some incredibly out of shape people. Case in point, Mo Vaughn.

Take the picture already! All this standing is wearing me out...

Basically, baseball players are also floppers in their own way. They claim to lose balls in the ivy when they're too lazy to make a play, they need 40 minutes between swings to adjust their batting gloves, and they often take themselves out of games due to poor conditioning. Even with all of that, these guys are basically having bullets fired at them. Bullets that can kill people, ruin careers, and break bones. Frankly, if you get hit by a fastball, you deserve a base.

Basically, fuck you basketball and your goddamned flopping.

Game 3: The Kingmaker

2011-05-22T14:07:00.006-05:00

This is where we fight!

Game 3: tonight at 8:30ET.

Important things to note (ie: the only things that matter):

In a 7 game series, the team that wins game 3 wins the series 76% of the time.
In the first 2 games, whichever team had the rebounding advantage won the game.
The Bulls are the best rebounding team in the NBA (by differential). Miami is 3rd but almost 1/2 as effective as Chicago.

Let's not make this any more complicated than it needs to be: Barkley said it, Kerr said it and even Simmons (despite his man crush on LeBron) agreed: the Bulls are a better team than the Heat, top to bottom. We have more weapons, a deeper bench and more consistent defense.

The old mantra will always hold true: the better defensive and rebounding team will typically win. Game 2 was honestly a fluke - we shot 34% from the field, barely over 60% from the line and missed 17 layups (including Rose going 0-7 from inside 10 feet) and yet it was still a close/winnable game.

In a series with some very interesting subplots (good read from Wojciechowski here), this should be a relatively straight-forward series. The Bulls are the better team, the Bulls should win the series. I thought it would be Bulls in 5, now I guess it should be Bulls in 6.

Fuck the Heat.

-KEG

America's Bulls

2011-05-15T14:03:00.000-05:00

Hop on, plenty of room.

After a long hiatus from the Dong (and nervously obsessing over the Bulls the past month), I was inspired to get back to work thanks to an awesome text message and a great line from a friend at work.

First, the text message, from my friend Raanan who I haven't spoken to in over a year. He's from Cleveland.

From Raanan: 10:18am

"Please do not let that asshole make the Finals"

That was pretty awesome.

Then at work this morning, my buddy Scooter rolls in to recap the game and he says:

"This is no longer the Chicago Bulls, it's the America Bulls. Nobody in their right mind wants that egomaniac to win a title. This is the best and last chance to stop him, maybe for a long time."

Then I read Bill Simmons' article about Phil Jackson and reminisced about the Jordan days. How Jackson was able to control Jordan's intensity and obsession with winning and keep it from consuming his teammates (otherwise, he would have absolutely destroyed guys like Will Purdue, BJ Armstrong, Toni Kukoc etc, who could never live up to his expectations). Jordan was like a nuclear reaction- you could harness the energy to do incredible things, but it was dangerous.

Which leads us to tonights ECF game 1.

The Bulls have the best defense left in the playoffs, the league MVP and enough weapons to beat anyone. We've seen star-studded teams flail in the playoffs a million times. We all know it takes a full team and a cohesive strategy to win titles. We should have nothing to worry about in this series, except for the fact that LeBron James, possibly the greatest player since MJ, is on the other team. After plowing through the Celtics, he seems unstoppable (not to mention Wade/Bosh are probably the best 2/3 options in the NBA).

But...

LeBron isn't Jordan.

LeBron has never shown that level of intensity on or off the court and hasn't been able to flip the "kill mode" switch needed to win championships. Maybe it's because he's too friendly, or maybe it's because he cares more about having a good time than winning. I don't think LeBron can carry them when it's needed (maybe Wade can) but a champion needs a true leader. At this point, I'm not convinced LeBron can be that guy.

Bulls in 6.

-KEG

Talk about some Chicago Sports!

2011-04-27T06:49:00.002-05:00

I mean, just wow!

We see what could possibly have been the biggest comeback ever from a Hawks team that should have been dead in the water after game 3, and they take it down to the wire with some ridiculous goaltending from Crawford.

Oh, and how about them Bulls? Tired of having to deal with this bullshit of close games? LUOL DENG - ACTIVATE. The Dong just lobbed up a steamy pile of jizz on the Pacers, sending them home and allowing Derrick Rose an extra few days to ice his entire body. Even with the foul trouble (Noah has 4 fouls pretty much every half), we are not to be trifled.

Then, we have the White Sox winning not one, but TWO close games against the Yankees. Yesterday's game came down to the fucking wire, with Brent Lillibridge making not one but TWO sick plays. Check out this game ender! And he came in as a PINCH RUNNER.

And then there's the Cubs, who have dropped three straight. Anyone else getting those double dream feet? I know I am!

Shame Is My Middle Name

2011-04-09T21:44:00.002-05:00

To further prove the point, here is a clearly stolen image

So, you may notice that we don't write a lot. You may also notice that when we DO post, it is intermittently strewn between contest giveaways and weird posts that seemingly have nothing to do with anything. Said posts are generally tagged with "just paying the bills." I mean, let's face it - the amount of pants I go through from watching the Sox is pretty impressive. I shit a lot. From excitement. Because our team is good. Yeah.

Fact of the matter is, we don't want to do you wrong. However, we do like money, and frankly, the fan interest has subsided a bit. We know we've been naughty - the Sox are good, the Cubs are bad, the Bulls are great, there's a football strike pending...all sorts of shit! And here we are, jerking off, and doing ads. Yeah, we suck.

We can do better. We will do better. Also, show some love.

RuPaul's Drag Race

2011-04-09T21:43:00.001-05:00

Contribution by Prince Raymond

You have probably seen him and remember his face. Just think about a certain male strutting down the street in platform heels, and you know who I am talking about. Yes, this infamous individual is named RuPaul. RuPaul is a transvestite who has made himself famous simply for being a transvestite in popular culture. For years, RuPaul has set the stage for all sorts of transgender humans. On his new reality show, "RuPaul's Drag Race," RuPaul grades transvestites as they compete against one another to win the crown of being the best transvestite on the show.

The first time I saw this show on my DIRECTV, I thought it was crazy. I thought that I was watching "America's Next Top Model," but then I had to do a double take to realize these were not models on the show. Instead, these male like figures were actually men dressed as women! This show definitely seems like a scene taken from Shakespeare's "As You Like It," where a male dresses up as a female and vice versa. There is definitely a reversal of gender roles on this show, so a person should probably be comfortable with that sort of thing to enjoy this show. This is one heck of a crazy show, but it is definitely an entertaining one to watch. I love this show and am addicted!

The Soxman Cometh

2011-03-07T21:58:00.002-06:00

Crush. Kill. Destroy.

You know what time it is boys and girls? It's time for some motherfucking baseball. Normally, I'd be picking up all sorts of interesting tidbits on the news about the Sox and Cubs and I'd probably have some sort of semblance of how our team is shaping up and where to find some gems this season. Instead, I live in New York now and typing "White Sox" in Google returns the question "Are you sure you didn't mean, 'fuck the red sox?'"

Even so, I'm going to do my best to be excited about that other team that wears black and white on their uniforms. Let's take this one step at a time:

The Pitching:

I'm not even being overly optimistic when I say that the White Sox have one of the top 5 rotations in all of baseball. In terms of sheer expectations, I rank Mark Buerhle as the fifth starter. You think I'm crazy, but look at this:

1. Peavy

2. Jackson

3. Danks

4. Floyd

5. Buerhle

That is a fucking filthy rotation. The only "weakness" we have is proneness to injury. Aside from that, the Sox are flat-out stacked with guys that are either dominant or wily. Love it.

The Lineup:

Hey, remember when the Sox destroyed people with Rios, Konerko, and Ramirez last year? Let's add Dunn to the mix, and holy shit:

1. Pierre

2. Beckham

3. Rios

4. Konerko

5. Dunn

6. Quentin

7. Ramirez

8. Pierzynski

9. Teahen

Again, that is flat-out filthy. Sure, this has a few more question marks associated: can Beckham rebound? Are AJ and Quentin washed up? Will Dunn adjust to the AL? Is Teahen worth two shits? And so on. So what? Fuck you. On paper it's good.

Bullpen

A little trickier here. You know there's a problem if I can't name all the Sox bullpen pitchers without looking it up, but as is my understanding, it's something like this:

RP - Crain
RP - Ohman
RP - Pena
RP - Santos
RP - Sale
CL - Thornton

A little too much dependency on Ohman and Pena for my taste, but still not a bad 'pen. Seriously reminds me of '05 a little bit (in the sense that we need Ohman and Pena to become Cotts and Politte of '05 inexplicably). Even with those weaknesses, if Pena is the worst guy in the 'pen you could do worse.

Bench

Also not looking bad! Not sure who the Sox are going to use this year, but I suspect the Opening Day roster will include some combination of Vizquel, Viciedo, Morel, Castro, Lillibridge, and De Aza. Most likely Viciedo gets stuck in the minors and maybe Lillibridge (the former being too inflexible defensively, and the latter being too much of a spaz offensively). Look for Morel and Vizquel to back up the infield as needed with De Aza and Lillibridge cleaning up in the outfield and Castro serving as the backup catcher for AJ.

Maybe Flowers and Viciedo get called up in case of emergency, but you could do worse.

Bottom Line

Excellent rotation
Very good lineup
Acceptable bullpen
Acceptable bench
Cut Marquez already

Topsy Turvy

2011-03-02T20:57:00.002-06:00

Incidentally, this is what Kyle Korver's asshole looks like

The Bulls just lost to the Hawks? Brian Anderson just got the loss for the Yankees? The Cubs are fighting in the dugout?

OK, maybe that last one isn't so weird, but WTF IS GOING ON HERE PEOPLE!?

Segue

2011-01-23T22:35:00.002-06:00

HOLY BALLS!!!

2011-01-20T21:09:00.004-06:00

Saw this one on barstool sports today, then got it emailed to me about 1000 times. Also, CSN wants you to know that modern bar stools are available (and a great prop to use when picking up dudes at the Manhole):

I was thinking of flying back to Chitown for this epic battle but the average ticket price for the game is $869. So, yeah, I'll be watching on TV like just about everyone else.

A few key things to watch:

Penalties: In week 3 (when it mattered), the Pack got called for 18 penalties compared to 5 against the Bears. The same ref (McAuely) is working the game on Sunday, and we'll need all the help we can get.

Donald Driver: The Packers have the deepest and most diverse WR corps in the league with Jennings, Driver, Jones, and Jordy Nelson. Every one of those guys can burn you but Driver is the one I'm worried about. We tend to have a tough time defending big physical receivers and our cover 2 is going to force a lot of short slants - we'll contain Jennings deep but Driver has great hands and can run after the catch. Tillman can hang with him but he has been known to miss the occasional tackle... can't have any mistakes on Sunday.

Israel Idonije: In a weird way, Idonije's game will define the defense: Peppers demands a double team (especially with their weak LT), Tommie Harris is playing really well right now and Melton/Adams is always solid. If Idonije can bring pressure from the other end, Rodgers is going to be uncomfortable all game. A few hits big hits from Idonije and they may be forced to run the ball more than they'd like (and yeah this Starks guy is pretty good, but nobody runs on Urlacher/Briggs).

We'll be live tweeting during the game (@luolsdong) taking any and all questions!!

LET'S GO BEARS!!!

-KEG

Talk About High Stakes

2011-01-16T19:38:00.004-06:00

"Swear to me!"

First off, before I go into batshit crazy mode, let's take a second here to recap understand what has happened. The Bears allowed the Packers into the playoffs by not finishing the job in Week 17. Instead of watching the Giants get steamrolled by the Eagles (or Falcons), we have watched Green Bay fight against the odds to make it to the NFC title game. Likewise, with a commanding win over the Seattle Junior Mints, the Bears are in the NFC title game as well.

Has there ever been a more exciting Bears-Packers game? Answer: NO. 1941 gets second place, but come on. Winner goes to the Superbowl. Loser goes home. Holy shit.

I'm not going to sit here and break down both team by position. That's stupid. The game is always close, both teams always leave it out on the line, and no matter what happens, you never feel like anyone dogged it.

This is for more than bragging rights. THIS IS FOR THE FUCKING SUPERBOWL. The very same Superbowl that will NOT feature the Colts or Patriots. This is a Superbowl against the Jets or Steelers - two teams that rely on a strong defense to win, but are both certainly beatable. We could very well see the Superbowl winner come out of next week's game.

Tickets are $500 a pop and rising. Who's with me!?

Keggers is Experiencing Technical Difficulties

2011-01-16T11:46:00.000-06:00

File Photo

Sorry for you folks that had to see him like that. Frankly, the poor guy gets a little riled up when it's time for Bears playoffs. I mean, did you see that last post? The whole thing was one jumbled paragraph of lunacy. I'm sure last night's dominating win over the Heatles didn't help his mental state (he was last seen running naked down the streets begging Derrick Rose to copulate with him).

Enjoy the game, Bear Down, and we'll be with you to celebrate or drink heavily.

Here's hoping for one hell of a Bears-Packers game next week.

BEARSBEARSBEARSBEARSBEARS

2011-01-15T23:44:00.004-06:00

Holy shit the Bears are playing tomorrow. I'm totally drunk and the Bears are playing tomorrow. The Packers just beat the shit out of the Falcons after they had a first round bye and now I'm worried about the Bears being rusty. The Seahawks are feisty and beat us already in the regular season. It's so hard to rally behind Jay Cutler. Did you see that Rick Reilly article yesterday? Just brutal. And totally accurate. Impossible to rally behind Cutler, just a total bag of douche. Anyway. I am drooling over a Bears/Packers NFC championship game at Soldier Field. Literally sporting wood over it. Insane. I hope we crush Hasselback. No way he drops another crazy game like he did last week. The guy just isn't that good. Lynch? Overrated. I think Peppers is going to kill Hasseltits. We need to win tomorrow. Must win. Win or go home. Fuck the Seahawks.

Tomorrow is everything.

GO BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

-KEG

Oney Guillen is a Douche Nozzle

2010-12-31T00:02:00.003-06:00

Exhibit A

Look, I hate to rip on the Guillen family. Ozzie is a great ballplayer, he brought us a championship in '05, and watching the teleprompter try and figure out what the hell he's saying at live pressers is comedy gold. Even so, this shit with Oney has to stop.

Bobby Jenks is a fat alcoholic redneck with anger issues. In related news, the sky is blue, socks go on your feet, and you never go ass to mouth. That's some fine detective work, Oney. Seriously, you think people don't know that? Jesus Christ, look at the guy. You don't just come out and say stuff like that.

Likewise, you don't call someone else's integrity into question. Yes, Jenks "started it." Whoop-de-do. Jenks was pissed that he was getting mixed signals from the club, felt like he hadn't been treated right, and felt that he "earned" more respect. Fine. True or not, that is a direct shot at Ozzie (and maybe even Kenny) but no one else. Nowhere in Jenks' salvo did he mention you, Oney.

Where the fuck do you get off questioning someone else's integrity anyways? Last I checked, you got fired from a nepotistic dream job because you couldn't keep your fucking mouth shut. You are not the manager. You are not even associated with the team at this point. You are nothing more than the direct offspring of the manager. That would be the equivalent of expecting Terry Francona's kid to speak up. Come on.

While I'm at it, can you learn to spell or use punctuation? It's brutal! I can make a fake Oney post. Watch this:

i am a gigntic douchenozzle u should shut ur mouth bc im oney and im cool and stuff

Amazing. Talk about tapping into talent.

So where do we go from here? I expect Ozzie to do all of the following:

#1. Distance himself from Oney and lay down the smack. You do not want to be categorized as the manager who spills clubhouse secrets, and certainly don't want to be shown as nepotistic. Call out Oney for being a little bitch, and tell him to fuck off. Tough love.

#2. Ignore Bobby. What good is arguing going to do here? I think that Guillen is one of the better managers in the league when it comes to using his pitchers. There are some weird mental gaps there, sure, but can you blame him for not trusting Bobby after watching him get lit up three nights a week? Don't even acknowledge his comments. Wish him will in Boston, and move on.

#3. Set some ground rules. No more of this shit. Talk to all your kids, Ozzie. Have a clubhouse meeting. This is the sort of shit that divides clubhouses and gets people fired. Air your dirty laundry in a proper team environment (read: not the media). This cannot happen again. Make that clear.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-22T09:31:00.005-06:00

Korver is absolutely killing it in this video.

BEARS BEARS BEARS

2010-12-21T09:20:00.005-06:00

Israel... always the aggressor

The Bears put a hurting on the Vikings on MNF yesterday, knocking Favre out of the game en route to a 40-14 victory.

With the win, the Bears move to a commanding 10-4 and lock up the NFC North.

I'm pretty sure that just about every "expert" predicted the Bears to finish third in the division behind the Packers and Vikings with 6-8 wins being the consensus. Well, we're not who they thought we were...

Turns out everything the coaching staff has been saying all season is accurate: the O-line just needed time to gel, the WR's needed time to get used to Martz's new schemes, the defense needed to get healthy and Cutler will be just fine. Turn the clock back 14 weeks and everyone is talking about how our O-line can't protect Cutler, how Cutler can't be a high-caliber QB while throwing careless INT's all the time (he can!!) and how Urlacher was washed up, Peppers was a waste of money, Hester can't play WR and is now ineffective at returning kicks and Greg Olsen needed to be traded.

Now, the picture is a bit different:

Division champs baby! Just another dominating performance by our defense and special teams - 2 critical factors for any team looking to make a playoff run. Both can dramatically change the game in an instant, especially with our takeaway-focused defense.

Let's kick the shit out of the Packers in week 17 just for giggles.

-KEG

Congrats on 10K, TJ

2010-12-20T20:52:00.002-06:00

Beefy.

The NY Times had an awesome article about TJ before the game yesterday, as he was on the verge of surpassing 10,000 career rushing yards.

After grinding out (and he doesn't run for yards, he only grinds or rumbles for them) 62 yards against the Rams, TJ is now only the third active player (Tomlinson, Fred Taylor) to hold that achievement in the NFL. At 32 years old, he's now #25 all time and aside from Terry Allen, the only player in the top 150 to play for 5 different teams (and Allen was traded late in his career, not in his prime).

The article played up the main themes that seem to always describe TJ: ridiculous work ethic, lack of pretense and being totally under appreciated. The Times took a similar approach in another article from last summer where they dug into his family background and his career history.

Jones is the kind of player that nobody ever talks about and is someone who will quickly be forgotten a few years after he retires (hopefully in 2020).

Nobody will talk about the punishment he took in Chicago, facing 9 guys in the box with Craig Krenzel, Rex Grossman, Chad Hutchinson, Kyle Orton and Brian Griese all taking turns missing easy 5 yard outs while playing make-believe NFL quarterback.

Nobody will talk about how he rumbled for over 1000 yards for every year of his 4 year contract with the Jets. Or that he holds the single game franchise record with 210 yards. Or the little things that get buried without statistics, like how he saved the Jets by converting and end of game 4th and 1 against an entire defensive set, 3 boulders and a small truck to beat SD in the playoffs last season.

And sure, Jamaal Charles is a nice change of pace back but TJ still runs the crowded box downs (1st and 2nd) and short yardage. He's 32. He's still averaging 4.0 yards/carry. He's still a beast. And I didn't even MENTION his biceps (which are glorious).

I've only heard him complain twice: the first time about Cedric Benson being entitled (holy shit was he right) and the second about Brett Favre milking attention (ditto).

Here's a guy who plays the game the way we always want our heroes to play - dedicated, committed, a great teammate, humble and leads by example. Just shut up and play hard, letthe stats speak for themselves. Winning always comes before personal accolades.

This is the kind of player we all want on our teams. He is the kind of guy we all wish was more like our own best player (especially if you live in Philly and have to root for DeSean Jackson, that insufferable egomaniac - compare his post game press conference to Devin Hester's and you'll know what I'm talking about).

So, congrats TJ. Just like everything you've achieved in your career, it's hard earned and well deserved despite being mostly unnoticed.

-KEG

Respect the Dong!

2010-12-14T20:37:00.004-06:00

Damn right Dtosh! "RESPECT THE DONG"

Quick updates, as it's been a few weeks:

1) Bears: Managed to steal another win from the Lions (holy shit those are some suffering fans) thanks to a fake penalty on Suh for trying but thankfully failing to kill Jay Cutler. I'll take it! tough loss to the Pats at home last week but we were due for a turd and there's no shame in dropping it against the hottest team in football. Let's just make sure we can bounce back this week and get a win against the Vikes (hopefully sans Favrenis) and maybe even at a neutral site after their stupid stadium had bad case of explosive Taco Bell-style snow diarrhea.

2) Bulls: Yeah baby! Riding high at 15-8 with 6 straight wins and Boozer is starting to round into form (22-18 last night). Derrick Rose is basically unstoppable and can play through injuries so the rest of the league is fucked.

Kobe said it best:

"I can tell when a player truly wants to be better and does what it takes to improve," Bryant said Thursday, one night before the rematch in Chicago. "It was a quality I had when I was growing up. … I admire that about him. I could really see it from last year to this year."

"He's got a long-range ball now," Bryant said. "He can pop behind the pick and shoot the jumper. He can pull up off the dribble and shoot it, and him getting to the rim goes unquestioned. He's putting the time in the gym, and I certainly respect that."

Also, this is adorable:

3) White Sox: Gepetto covered everything in the last two posts but I'm excited to have Paulie back. It would be weird to see him in another uniform... Also glad to bring Dunn on board, he'll hit a bunch of dingers in the Cell. Now, if we can get our rotation healthy...

4) Cubs:

How can anyone take this franchise seriously anymore? Can't throw money at the problems (well you can. And you did. And you failed.) so now what? The baseball gods show no mercy.

-KEG

PAULIE

2010-12-08T20:50:00.002-06:00

THIS FISH-EYE LENS MAKES MY JUNK LOOK HUUUUUUGE!

Where the hell is that Staples button, because that was easy. Three years, $37.5 million, and an insane 1-2 punch with Dunn for at least the next three years. That's exciting.

Let's take a look at our roster, shall we?

C: AJ
1B: Paulie
2B: Beckham
SS: Ramirez
3B: Teahen (really? I give this two weeks before Morel is playing 3B again and Teahen platoons)
LF: Pierre
CF: Rios
RF: Quentin (switch with Dunn as needed)
DH: Dunn

That's fucking good. With Rios, Dunn, Quentin, Ramirez and Paulie you're looking at 150 HR potential. Yeah, we're going to be "station-to-station" again, but we never really were built for speed. Deal with it, Ozzie.

Oh, and that pitching rotation?

1: Peavy
2: Jackson
3: Floyd
4: Danks
5: Buerhle

Holy fuckballs. That could be the best rotation in baseball. Yeah, Peavy may not be back proper this season (in which case we say hello to Lucas Harrel again - you could do worse). Yeah, our bullpen needs a few less question marks (Thornton, Sale, Santos...Pena...Nunez...Dolsi?). So what? This team has serious potential. Stay healthy, stay strong, and see you in October.

Oh, and the Cubs signed Tony Pena or something. Fuck that guy.

Dunn Dunn DUNNNNNN!!!

2010-12-03T15:37:00.002-06:00

But MOOOOOOOOOM!

Well, KW certainly has been busy this offseason. Look at everything he has accomplished in the last 72 hours:

#1. Sox sign Adam Dunn to a 4-year deal
#2. Sox trade Linebrink
#3. Sox sign Pierzynski
#4. Sox non-tender Jenks
#5. Ron Santo dies

Seriously, this is probably the best 72 hours I have experienced as a Sox fan since 2005. You can't argue with that kind of production!

Let's take these one at a time, shall we?

#1. Sox sign Adam Dunn. I like this move, and I don't like this move. On the one hand, it further cements the "Kenny Gets His Man" Mantra, which is something I would have hoped would have been disproved by now. I wouldn't be surprised if the Sox get Rafael Soriano in 2017 just because Kenny wanted him now (see: Griffey, Ken; Ramirez, Manny; Alomar, Roberto).

There's lots of signs that Dunn will play LF or DH next year if Konerko comes back, but as much as Reinsdorf loves Paulie, I can't imagine that he'll open the checkbook that far...especially with Ozzie trying to go away from the longball. Yeah, I know all about this "deferred contract" business, but c'mon.

That said, even though Dunn has more K's than the rest of the Nationals pitching staff combined, the guy can do some serious damage - especially at the homer-friendly Cell. If Paulie comes back, I'll upgrade this from a "passive excitement" to "holy shitballs."

#2. Sox trade Linebrink. Addition by subtraction. The fact that we got money out of this is even better (further evidence that Paulie is returning). Cofield is just a name to attach to this deal. Some would say it's a cash dump, I say I would prefer to start anything instead of Linebrink. Great move.

#3. Pierzynski re-signs. Not sure how I feel about this one. The contract is back-loaded, which means that we're going to be kinda fucked in 2012 when AJ is hitting .230 while commanding $8 million. The $2 million this year shows that he's willing to take a cash hit to get Paulie in (good show), and that we have no faith in Flowers or Castro. I personally think that once Flowers started ignoring the coaching staff's comments on his swing (and his average rose .200 points), he got to a better place. I guess we take a "wait and see" approach. AJ is still a good clubhouse character to have around. Who thought I would be saying THOSE words when AJ signed the first time!?

#4. Sox non-tender Jenks. Thank god. I was actually worried that the Sox were going to try and keep him on for whatever reason, or that they were going to offer Arbitration in the hopes that he declined so that we could get a draft pick. I can tell you right now that I wouldn't pay more than $3 million a year for his services - nowhere near the double-digits that he was expected to get from arbitration. Spooky.

#5. Ron Santo dies. Not sure how you pulled that one off, KW, but I gotta give credit for efficiency where due.

BEARS ARE 8-3!

2010-11-28T18:35:00.007-06:00

I thought the circus clowns left Chicago last week...

Despite Daryl Johnston's off-field distractions, the Bears just won the biggest game of the season.

We contained Michael Vick, shut down the most explosive WR tandem in the NFL (Jackson, Maclin) and we put up points on the #3 ranked defense (albeit without Asante Samuel).

We are now unequivocally the best team in the NFC and with the Packers losing earlier today, we also have a commanding lead in the NFC North.

A few quick observations:

Our offense looks balanced. The fans and weak O-line forced Martz to commit to the run 3 weeks ago. It's not unrelated that we've gone 3-0 since then. Forte is explosive and dangerous with enough touches while the run game as a whole keeps the defense honest, grinds the clock and plays to our O-line's strengths (undersized - stout and quick).

Julius Peppers is a constant difference maker. Every play, all game long, he's going 110%. It's insane. He's clearly inspired the rest of the unit to pursue through the whistle (something we've lacked for the last 2 years). Idonije and Melton are clearly learning from Peppers and his motor is contagious.

Special Teams gives us a huge advantage. Hester has been incredible (thankfully, they finally decided to rotate him at WR instead of forcing him to be a WR1) and Dan Manning is a beast. we gain an extra 20-40 yards every change of possession. Field position is so underrated.... especially when we have a coffin kick specialist in Maynard.

We're playing inspired football right now. We've got the us-against-the-world-attitude just like we did in 2007 when we went to the Super Bowl. All the "experts" have been saying we're overrated and have huge problems with the O-line and with Cutler's attitude. (Also, I loved his unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. SHOW ME THE FIRE, JAY!). Look, if nobody wants to take us seriously, that's fine - see you in Dallas.

-KEG

MJ gives LeBron a Steaming Hot Carl

2010-11-26T13:32:00.002-06:00

I assume this is a mashup someone made but holy crap is it awesome.

Someone should force LeBron to watch this on repeat until he wins a championship.

-KEG

Gepetto vs Keggers?

2010-11-20T18:12:00.002-06:00

Yes, our teams really are that bad

This week is big.

Much like Christmas and Independence Day, there is one day in the year that I look forward to more than any other:

The day that Keggers and I play each other in Fantasy week.

I prefer to call this day "Scrambled Eggs Day" or "Judgment Day" or even "You Will Fucking Lose" day. Currently, my team is in last place. That's right boys and girls - as a (karma induced?) victim of the buzzsaw in multiple weeks, I find myself in the top half of the league in points scored, but number one in points against. Last week was an especially painful loss (130 - 140) that pushed me further into the depths of the basement as I clawed my way towards freedom.

Let's see how this week's matchup is going to play out, shall we?

QB - Eli Manning (21) vs Jay Cutler (9.57). I've got this one easy. As much as I love Cutler, Thursday night's conservative offense did Keggers no favors. If Manning tops 100 yards and a TD (and I expect he will with a shootout against Philly in the making), then I already get more points. Winner: Gepetto

RB1: Rashard Mendenhall (17) vs Steven Jackson (14). Despite fucking me over last week with a non-existant performance, the universe knows that Mendenhall is generally good for 16 points any given week. Throw in the fact that he has a matchup against Oakland, and you can bet that the Steelers will try and control the game with the run. SJax is also quite a player, although I expect that he will largely be taken out of the game to block once St Louis starts losing early to Atlanta's high powered offense. Winner: Gepetto

RB2: Fred Jackson (11) vs Shonne Green (11). Even though Jackson had an insane week last week, Buffalo is still a team with only one win on the season. If I believed for a second that they could hold a lead against Cincy, I would give myself the nod here. On the flip side, Green has been non-existent almost all season, and has taken a serious backseat to LT. I say both get about 10 points for their owners. Winner: Push.

WR1: Calvin Johnson (21) vs Hines Ward (11). Not even close. Hines is a baller (when he isn't concussed), but there is no stopping Calvin this year. Shaun Hill has no problems with force feeding him jump balls, and CJ couldn't be happier. Winner: Keggers

WR2: Jabar Gaffney (9) vs Brandon Marshall (5.6). Normally I would have given Keggers the edge here, but 5.6 points? Really? Gaffney is averaging 9. I think I've got this one in the bag. Winner: Gepetto.

WR3: Mike Thomas (9) vs Pierre Garcon (13). While Thomas had an amazing week for me last week, he has a tougher matchup and a pretty low chance of catching a 50-yard hail mary off of a riccochet. Garcon has all the tools to be amazing (and a WR1), but so far has been a huge disappointment this season. Even so, the guy can be much more dangerous than Thomas when he's clicking. Winner: Keggers

TE: Jacob Tamme (13) vs Tony Gonzalez (6). Tamme is the best TE in football right now. The man has put up double-digits in each of his last three (and only three) starts. Try and keep up when all you're doing is blocking for the run game, Tony. Winner: Gepetto.

K: Shayne Graham (9) vs Adam Vinatieri (12). Both are good, but Graham seems to be a little less accurate than the guy with the superbowl rings and the more potent offense. It's gonna be close, but I give Vinatieri the nod here. Winner: Keggers.

DEF: Bears (18) vs Kansas City (9). If the Bears hadn't already played, I would give this one a push. Frankly, Arizona is awful and KC should put up a big game against them. Then again, the Bears already gave me a delicious 18 points. You're fucked. Winner: Gepetto

Tally it all up, and what do you get? I'll tell you. Final score 118 - 100. Gepetto wins despite the monster day from Calvin Johnson. Kneel before Zod.

Too funny

2010-11-19T09:50:00.001-06:00

I couldn't not post this. So awesome.

(via nyc.barstoolsports.com)

Bears D beats Dolphins

2010-11-18T22:53:00.004-06:00

Holy crap, are we 7-3?

That was the most boring football game I've ever seen.

Tyler Thigpen sucks, yet, was only marginally worse that Jay Cutler (both had a QB rating ~60). Cutler escaped with only 1 INT (he actually threw 3 but they were dropped or on penalties) and no TD's. However, his "decision making" was somehow better, according to Joe Thiesmann, who might be some kind of self-aware cookie trapped in a human body.

It wasn't pretty, but the Bears improved to 7-3 on a short week (4 days rest) and sit on top of the NFC (which will look even better when the Giants lose to the Vicks on Sunday). We're also undefeated in the division with wins over the Packers and Vikings.

Most importantly, the Bears showed 3 major improvements:

1) The offensive line is getting better. Not quite good yet, but better.

2) We can establish a run game, it just takes time. Forte/Taylor can drive the ball and our schemes are decent, when Cutler is hitting his short passes.

3) The pass rush actually can cover up for our weak(er) secondary. Should out to big Henry Melton, who has been getting better every week after replacing Mark Anderson. He and Israel Idonije have been bringing the heat with the attention focused on Peppers/Urlacher/Briggs.

I'm not convinced we can cover big physical WR's (Marshall could have had 200 yards if he wasn't a spaz and didn't get hurt) but our defense was VERY good tonight. Let's not forget, Thigpen was no worse than Cutler and they boast Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams in the backfield yet, they couldn't move the ball at all, all night long.

Feeling good right now, even though we SHOULD be 9-1 (Washington and Seattle were very winnable) but can't complain.

The whole season comes down to the next 6 weeks - if we can finish over .500, it's playoff time.

-KEG

P.S. How awkward must that meeting have been for Cutler and Marshall? They could have set every conceivable Broncos record playing together in Denver for 10 years and instead, both complained their way out of town. Now, Cutler is dying for a go-to receiver (like Marshall) and Marshall is dying for a big-armed, over confident QB (like Cutler). Grass is always greener... idiots.

Pack Your Bags?

2010-11-14T12:01:00.004-06:00

This is a VERY important game for the Bears.

With a win, the Bears go to 6-3 with division wins against the Vikings and Packers and we're looking good for a playoff berth.

With a loss, we drop to a single game above the Vikings and 2 games back of the Packers. We also have a really tough remaining schedule (MIA, PHI, DET, NE, MIN, NYJ, GB) so a win here is critical.

We'd be lucky to go 3-4 in these last seven games and I worry 9 wins won't be enough for the playoffs.

And, of course, if we're not headed the playoffs, Lovie better be able to pack a quick suitcase.

Last time we played the Vikings, Favre carved us up for a million yards. Let's hope we can hit the old man a few times and get a few turnovers (cause god knows we're going to give them the ball at least 3 times).

Big game. Let's go Bears.

-KEG

Joe Noah is Fucking Awesome

2010-11-11T20:49:00.007-06:00

He may look like a hippie but big Joe isn't afraid to drop bombs...

From ESPN Chicago:

Joakim Noah's candor is a quality that separates the Chicago Bulls center from many athletes, and when the subject is Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett, Noah's candor can turn into biting commentary.

Noah has gone from a fan who once had a Garnett poster in his room to someone who probably has a Garnett photo on his dartboard.

"Kevin Garnett will not -- will not -- get a Christmas gift from me," Noah said with a tinge of humor Wednesday on "The Waddle & Silvy Show" on ESPN 1000. "I don't like him."

The feud started, or perhaps escalated, during last season's playoffs. After Garnett was suspended for throwing an elbow at Quentin Richardson, Noah -- who was in Cleveland playing the Cavaliers -- chimed in that Garnett was a "dirty player."

The most recent incident was Friday night in Boston when Noah received a technical foul, and afterward said of Garnett: "He is who he is."He's a very mean guy," Noah said Wednesday. "Where's the love? None at all. Ugly, too."

Noah said what makes the relationship difficult is how big a fan he was of Garnett before entering the NBA in 2007.

"I had his poster in my room," Noah said. "I used to wear his jersey. And the truth is my rookie year, I was in admiration of this guy, and he kind of shut me down. And he was very mean to me my rookie year. And he's only mean to the young guys and the [European players], for some reason. I don't know why, but that's who he doesn't like. He's not nice. I talk a lot of trash out there, but c'mon, be a little sensitive. Be sweet." The Bulls play in Boston on Dec. 3.

I love Joe Noah.

We all know KG is a huge prick. He's been a huge dick ever since his skills started slipping and he started getting a rep for being soft. He's always barking at everyone, notoriously picking on smaller and weaker players. Last week he got in trouble for telling Charlie Villanueva that he looked like a cancer patient. (Pathetic attempt to dig himself out of it by claiming he said he was "a cancer" to his team. What a cock.)

Joe Noah is the shit. I don't know how anyone doesn't like him or his game. He plays hard all the time, hustles like crazy, holds his own against anyone and gets better in big games. He's an awesome teammate and I'd argue one of the best overall centers in the NBA.

I also love that he has no qualms about calling out KG in public. Reminds me of when he called out LeBron for being a bitch last season. LeBron was doing his little dance and shit and taking an hour to shoot free throws and Noah just started ripping into him (mind you, this is an during an away game):

I respect the hell out of Joe Noah. I can't say enough good things about the guy. I just want to hang out with him... seems like an awesome dude to have a beer with and a guy you'd want on your side in a street fight. I feel like Champ in Anchorman. "I think you and me should get an apartment together!"

LUOL'S DONG ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT: FISTO'S FOREST

2010-11-03T08:54:00.002-05:00

At Keggers' request, I'm uploading (and reviewing) a very special video from his childhood. What we have here is some classic cinema, '80s style. Let's get started, shall we?

Wow.

OK, let's take a minute and review what's going on here. First things first: This Fisto guy is a total bear. I mean, let's examine the facts here:

1. Beard.

2. Tiny shorts

3. Christ on a cock, his name is FISTO. Which, as some of our Latino readers might notice, is Spanish for "fist." Don't even get me started on that spider thing that shoots sticky white stuff. The only way the show's writers could've been more blatant is if they named this character BUTTFUCKO, and gave him a boy sidekick who was walking funny and bleeding out of his asshole.

Back to the show...

I like how Fisto is reluctant to accept help from the girl at the end. Kind of like Bennett from Commando: "I DON'T NEED THE GIRL!!" And how he feels that Skeletor won't take him back now that he's "changed." I bet that's how a lot of young men feel after coming out to their parents. There's a deeper lesson to be learned here, people.

Well, now you know what Kegs talks about in therapy. For Luol's Dong A&E, this is Fisting Andrew Golota, getting the fuck out of here.

Grumpy Old Men

2010-11-02T14:45:00.002-05:00

Go read Smells Like Mascot

Enough of this basketball bullshit! You think I care about Luol Deng dropping points - let alone anything other than his engorged hoagie? You sir, are mistaken. Also, Lu, if you're reading this, your shirt is in the mail. More on this later...

Instead, let's talk about Omar Vizquel for a sec. Y'see, father time here is going to be sticking around with the Sox for another season. What does that mean for us? Well, it's actually going to mean a few things, but this one is the most important:

We're probably not re-signing Konerko

Sure, I could have told you that he's due a huge payday that the Sox can't really afford during mini-rebuilding, but Reisndorf would suck a golfball through a garden hose for that guy. It's not about the money. It's about having a place to play. Currently, the expected infield works out to something like this:

3B: Vizquel (spelled by utility infielder X...probably Morel/Lillibridge)
SS: Ramirez
2B: Beckham
1B: Teahen
DH: Viciedo
C: Pierzynski/Castro (Flowers isn't ready yet)

There's two schools of thought. School of thought one is that Viciedo is the DH, The other is that Viciedo plays 1B. Either way, Teahen has shown that someone twice his age is better with the glove (and Teahen is on the hook for a while too). Also, Mark Kotsay will probably be buried before he gets cut, so that's another fleshy body to throw at the 1B position.

Unless Kenny gets into "win now" mode again (and I don't think he can given how much the division is going to be improved from last year), Paulie is going to be an Angel.

Can anyone make my fantasy team win a game? Jesus.

Deng Dong!

2010-11-02T10:29:00.004-05:00

Remember me?

A few things to consider:

Luol Deng is only 25 years old and this is already his 7th season.
Three years ago, he was nearly traded for Kobe Bryant (possibly the third best player of all time).
He's become the best all around defender on the Bulls and arguably one of the best defensive SF's in the NBA.

Everyone was so adamant about getting LeBron to fill the "void" we have at the 3 spot over the summer and now that same group of fans are loudly clamoring for Melo after 2 games, after a few bad shooting nights from Deng. Let's not forget that Luol Deng is a versatile, all-around talent who has managed to contribute at a high level on very different rosters in an array of roles: scorer, defender, facilitator, swing man, rebounder, whatever. He gets the job done at both ends of the court and he's a good teammate.

Deng went 14/19 for 40 points and also locked down All-Star Brandon Roy (4-12, 17 points). He hit outside shots, drove to the basket and opened up the court for Rose. He's doing all the things Melo would do, minus the god complex.

When Boozer gets healthy, the Bulls will have a top 5 PG who can shoot and slash, a top 5 low post scorer who can hit shots and finish at the rim and a top 5 center who hits the boards and is a defensive monster. Pair those 3 up with Deng, who can be the glue (rather than a guy who needs the ball like Mel0) and it just makes everyone better. Not necessarily on paper, but in chemistry and in wins, which is all that matters.

Deng might be the Horace Grant or the Lamar Odom of this team: he'll do whatever needs to get done in order to win. He has the swiss-army knife of tools to contribute anything on any given night. I think that makes him more valuable than Melo for this stacked Bulls team, despite the gap in talent.

The Bulls look great through 3 games (2-1 with a tough loss to the Durants). I'm loving Thibodeau's defense and chemistry. Loving the improvement from Rose/Noah and can't wait for Boozer to hit the court. Deng might just be the missing piece that nobody is talking about...

-KEG

Derrick Rose has arrived

2010-10-30T23:11:00.003-05:00

39 points, 6 boards, 7 assists, 2 steals and 2 blocks.

He probably would have dropped 40 last game too if he wasn't in foul trouble in the first half.

Also, little note, Joe Noah's stat line for first 2 games:

15pt 17reb 1ast 1stl 3blk
18pt 19reb 2ast 2stl 2blk

That's outlandish!

I hope you grabbed him in your fantasy league... Dude is a BEAST.

Bulls are looking tough - loving the way Taj is pounding the boards, loving Noah (obviously) and Rose looks like he's taken the jump. Is it too early to get excited? I'm excited.

-KEG

A Comedy of Errors

2010-10-24T20:27:00.007-05:00

Fear of death can negatively effect decision making...

Five beers and a smashed TV remote later, the Bears pissed away another winnable game, 17-14.

Not really sure where to start here, so I'll rattle off 3 relevant statistics:

9TO's in the game
4INT's and a fumble lost for Cutler, 2 TO's in the red zone.
2 defensive TD's

Clearly not an elegant display of football artistry this afternoon. It was kind of the worst game I've ever seen but also a ridiculously entertaining and close game until the end.

At first, the game had the same stink of our last 3 losses: no line protection, no running game and a lot of sloppy play calling. Cutler running for his life, the receivers pulling up on routes and the defense spending too much time on the field.

Then we started to pull it together at the end of the first half. The running game is starting to pick up steam (opened up by the passing game) and Cutler finally converts a 3rd down to Hester and caps off the last drive with a big TD pass. Up 14-10 headed into halftime, I'm feeling pretty good.

Then:

Since I don't want to rant for 10 more hours, let's just say that Cutler looked like bad Rex and I was ready to strangle Lovie Smith to death with his own challenge flag.

HOW DO YOU NOT CHALLENGE THAT TOUCHDOWN (or, "fumble" according to the refs) ON THE 1 YARD LINE??? ARE YOU INSANE??!?

I mean, how do you challenge the clear non-TD by Bennett and then NOT challenge the clear yes-TD by Cutler? Who is manning the booth upstairs? I WANT NAMES. Absolutely inexcusable.

Troy Aikman was calling the game and kept trying to find excuses for Cutler (Knox stopped short on an INT, Hester didn't come back to the ball on another) but there is no excuse for throwing the last INT. Knox wasn't open. There was no seam. It wasn't 4th and long. Just a bad decision and it ended the game. I'd love to see the numbers on how many games we've ended with a Cutler INT.

I'm also tired of hearing how bad our talent is on the O-line. I mean, we have Olin Kreutz who goes to the Pro Bowl every year and Chris Williams is a first round pick. We've also got Omiyale who would start on most teams. Sure, our RG and RT positions aren't great but that's no excuse for our line to look like the JV Dillon Panthers. I blame Mike Tice and his stupid face. I can't stand looking at him. He's so smug all the time. Shut up Mike Tice, you suck, you were a bad head coach and you haven't gotten anything out of our unit all season. You've almost killed our franchise QB in the past 6 games. Time to get fired.

I'm generally a staunch Lovie supporter but I swear to god I was ready to tear his fucking head off today. No fire, no gameplan, lazy schemes... thankfully our defense is good and talented (I'm starting to love DJ Moore) and kept us in the game anyway. Martz seems like the only guy who gives a shit on offense, most likely because he wants to redeem his legacy as an offensive genius. I like Martz and I think he's doing a good job. We're just not executing.

Which brings me to Cutler.

Ah, Jay Cutler.

So polarizing...

I'll give it one more game before I pass judgement. My judgement will be fair, swift and merciless.

I am a kind god.

-KEG

Climbing The Shit Ladder

2010-10-20T20:19:00.002-05:00

There...I can almost see 1-6...

It's not easy having the worst record in Fantasy Football. I know, because I'm there right now.

Now, I know what you're all thinking: "But wait! You're the best FF player ever! You make the playoffs every year! Is this real life!?"

Sadly dear friends, this is indeed real life. All hope has not been lost, though. Let's look at how I started the year, and where I'm at now:

Before
QB: Favre (C+)
RB1: Ronnie Brown (B-)
RB2: ~~Ryan Grant~~ Tim Hightower (D+)
WR1: Randy Moss (B+)
WR2: Malcolm Floyd (A-)
WR3: Miles Austin (A)
TE: Jermaine Gresham (C+)

After
QB: Drew Brees (A+)
RB1: Joseph Addai (B+)
RB2: DeAngelo Williams (B+)
WR1: Johnny Knox (B)
WR2: Hines Ward (B)
WR3: Jabbar Gaffney (B-)
TE: ~~Dallas Clark~~ Chris Cooley (A)

That is a vast improvement!

How did I do it? For starters, I begged and groveled and dry humped just about every manager in the league. Then I cajoled. Then I made a bad trade (Favre and Austin for Vick and Gaffney...the week right before Vick got hurt). Down, but not out, am I right?

Actually, I'm not going to break down what happened exactly (it's messy), but here are some things to keep in mind:

#1. One man's trash is another man's treasure. Team A might have dropped his 5th runningback to pick up a different player to cover a bye week, but he might be a good RB! Hell, he might even be useful to you! Good examples of "could be useful" players: CJ Spiller, Cadillac Williams, Mike Tolbert, Danny Amendola, Louis Murphy, John Carlson, Mike Williams.

#2. Never be afraid to deal for players solely to trade them. Just because another manager hasn't able to effectively shop a player doesn't mean you can't. Trade for that player who has been on the block for a whole month, and find a new way to make him attractive to a buyer. Some people put air fresheners in used cars, sometimes value is value.

#3. Anticipate. I was trying to deal Dallas Clark for three days before this "he is out for multiple weeks" news came. Read the signs - no injury report, missed time, and they signed another TE. When all of this comes during a bye week, you're in trouble.

#4. Don't send kids pictures of your dick. I suppose this is a life lesson more than anything else.

Giveaway!

2010-10-17T18:24:00.006-05:00

The only nightmare you could have in this bed, is that it's yours...

Do you sleep?

Of course you do.

When was the last time you went shopping for new bed sets?

I bet it's been a while.

That's why we at the Dong would like to offer you a chance to win a fat gift certificate to CSN Stores (the fine company that supplies the aforementioned bedding products). Then you can go online and buy yourself that tonka truck bunkbed you've been eying since you got married...

All you have to do, is send us an email outlining which Chicago players wife or girlfriend you would like to take a nap with and why.

Some inspiration from Kristin Cavallari, Jay Cutler's current fling:

You may remember her from Laguna Beach or The Hills. If you do, then shame on you, that's some terrible television.

-KEG

Rant: Fantasy Football

2010-10-13T22:41:00.006-05:00

Time for a rant about fantasy football.

I've been playing fantasy football since 1995. This was the infancy of fantasy sports by most standards and just about everybody (including serious sports fans) had no idea what the fuck fantasy sports meant, and if forced to guess, probably thought it involved Magic cards, slap bracelets or Pogs.

Back in these dark ages, you had to calculate your weekly score by hand from the box scores printed in the newspaper on Monday morning. The waiver wire was determined by whoever called the commissioner first. The only way you could watch your guys play was if you owned someone on a local team and they happened to be on TV or you could catch 5 seconds of highlights on SportsCenter (if you happened to be home when it was on). Most of the time, you drafted and traded based solely on statistics and tiny nuggets of occasionally useful information. Or in some cases, horrible information ("holy shit, Mike Cloud ran a 4.5 at the combine and is going to start behind the awesome KC line next season!").

Times have changed. Dramatically. Nowadays, there are more fantasy football commercials than truck commercials on ESPN. Every male 8-65 has multiple teams in multiple sports. Even my mom knows that Ronnie Brown is an obvious injury risk and that Peyton Manning won't miss a game. There's fantasy golf.

Technology is better (DVR, RedZone, Slingbox) and global access to ridiculously detailed and immediate information is at your fingertips 24/7 (ESPN Insider, Rotoworld, Twitter, local news websites, a billion blogs, etc).

The technology and access have completely leveled the playing field.

Anyone can be a fantasy guru now - just spend enough time reading Matthew Barry or Erik Karabell or Brandon Funston or any of the other ten million PROFESSIONAL fantasy analysts. There are no original ideas anymore. There are no savvy pickups. There are no sleepers. You're told the answers before you even have a chance to think of them yourself and in case you miss some information, Yahoo or any other site will help you automatically draft a team or evaluate trades based on researched point predictions and detailed analysis.

There are 3 major losses due to this evolution of the game:

1) We've lost (or at least significantly reduced the impact of) the token moron.

This was one of my favorite parts about playing fantasy sports. The token moron is the guy who doesn't look at matchups, only recognizes big name players and doesn't follow injury news. He's the guy who drafts Jerry Rice in the first round, four years too late. He's the guy that forgets to draft a TE. He's the guy who never has a strategy and ends up in last place every year. It's almost impossible to be that uninformed today.

2) There is no edge.

It is utterly impossible to have an information edge over anyone else. You can do more homework, scout through (youtube) film, read all the reporting and player news but at the end of the day, some expert will summarize your work into a bullet point telling the world to pick up Tony Moeaki before you've had a chance to do it on your own. I pride myself at being able to spot talent and understand opportunities. These skills are severely neutered by infinite over-analysis. You end up overextending yourself on extreme picks or moves just to try and prove your skills.

Some guy in my league took Finley and Spiller in the 2nd and 3rd round of a 14 team league. Sure, it was a dumb move but why is it fun to draft exactly according to the expert rankings and how else can you possibly prove that you know more than the next guy?

3) No love for your players.

This may be a personal thing but when I picked a guy back in the day, it was much more personal. You got to know a guy through his numbers. You understood what type of player and what type of offense he played in. You made assumptions about draft picks on your own and created strategies. Guessing right on Edgerrin James was much more validating than picking someone like Ryan Mathews is today, when everyone is telling you to do it. It's much harder to separate your own skill from someone else's suggestions. In that way, I don't fall in love with my picks as much as I used to.

Sure I loved having Chris Johnson at #10 last season when he was predicted at #16 (much like Jahvid Best owners feel now) but it's not the same... 10 years ago he might not have even been in the top 20 ranked RB's, since the magazines (which were all pretty much exactly the same) were always printed right after the previous season and rookies were mostly ignored. It's hard to take 100% credit for your own picks, sleepers and strategy. Just like it's hard to respect the guy who auto-drafted and is in first place.

Sure, I sound old and cranky as shit but I miss playing a small niche game that nobody else understood, with a group of diehard football fans and close friends where it was more fun to be right and when being right earned you more respect.

GET OFF MY LAWN.

-Keg

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

2010-10-10T18:56:00.016-05:00

Luol Deng on Luol's Dong

It seemed like it was never going to happen, but today was the day, ladies and gentlemen. Luol Deng has signed Luol's Dong. As I expect to be struck down by a lawsuit within the next 72 hours (hey WTTW, we're also defacing Bozo the Clown's likeness on our t-shirts as well - two for one on lawsuits!), it's best to get all of this amazingness out in the open right now.

The day started innocently enough - due to some amazing timing and the incredible help of reader/slave Joseph, we were granted access to the Bulls' autograph session and open practice. The beginning of the day started with Benny the Bull and his best Whitesnake impression (although I didn't catch it on film, he did definitely spread eagle on that van).

Once we got inside, it was a mad dash for Luol Deng. I mean, this guy is CLEARLY the most popular player on a Bulls team that just got Carlos Boozer and already has big names like Joakim Noah and Derrick Rose - it's no wonder that there would be a huge line for Deng (note - it took us approximately 30 seconds from entry to get to Deng's table, and another 2 minutes to get to the front of the line. Sad).

This, ladies and gentlemen, is history:

But wait! How do we know Luol Deng can actually read?! I mean, sure, he went to Duke, but as long as you're either a basketball player or a rapist, you can make it there (note to Duke: want to make it three lawsuits? The more the merrier!). Obviously, this was going to require a little more work.

Next was John Lucas III and Kyle Weaver:

There was only one other signature on that shirt - of COURSE we got Luol to sign it! What, you think that we just wanted to get more autographs and made a dash to the shortest line (note: sorry guys, but you just don't have as much draw as looking at Boozer's fucked up hand - longest line on the 300 level).

But wait, what about the new guys? People that may not be familiar with the Dong need to be initiated proper, and so we go to Brian Scalabrine and Roger Powell:

As Scalabrine says, "That's Terrible." I mean, it's perfectly fine to do an autograph session for courtside tickets and deal with "autograph saturation", but COME ON. I love how he says he's not going to sign it, and then after a headshake, signs it anyways. Love it.

Powell's Signature - GOD BLESS!

By the time we finished with Scalabrine, there would be no more time for autographs...so we did the next best thing and talked to some ushers. There's so much love here...

Yeah, that whole reading thing is hard. Obviously. Here are a few other reactions from the finest folks at the UC:

"Do you guys have business cards?" (Yes, he really asked this)

Proud fans

Clamor and commotion over the Dong

Luol's Dong? I dunno who it is.

So what's the moral here? If you're a new Dong reader, the point is this: we have accomplished what we set out to do. If lawsuits come to destroy us before we can send out T-Shirts to Scalabrine and friends, then so be it. We came, we saw, we were retarded. Vini vidi vitard.

Bears Pregame: Week 5

2010-10-09T18:39:00.007-05:00

Career stats: 22TD, 19 INT, 4479 Yards, QB rating: 76.0

Todd Collins reminds me of mix between Cap Rooney from Any Given Sunday and a used car salesman. He's not bad - former 2nd round pick by the Bills and holds a bunch of college records at Michigan - but he's been a career NFL backup and despite a good run for the Skins in '06, has never really impressed on the field. He's been playing marginally for 15 years and at 38, you know he's not going to surprise you with anything.

Carolina has their own problems. 0-4 with losses to the Bucs and Bengals (although they hung tight with the Saints last week), and only scoring 4 TD's in the last 3 weeks. Jimmy Clausen has some promise but right now, he sucks. He's also going to battle with the worst receiving corps in the NFL (without Steve Smith and his gimpy ankle).

I guess Lovie is thinking that we can win with defense. Peppers should be fired up against his old team and Briggs and Urlacher have been elite through 4 weeks. All they can really expect to do is run with DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart (not a bad strategy) but our run defense was ranked #1 in the NFL until last week (now #6) and we can stack the box all day.

If Collins struggles, I think we'll see Caleb Hanie. Unlike Collins, Hanie was an undrafted FA and didn't play at a major collegiate program (CO State). He looked sharp last week (comparatively) and we've been grooming him for a while... would love to see what he can do out there. Hopefully, we're up by 20+ in the 4th and we can test him out with minimal pressure.

End result: Bears 24, Carolina 7.

Some other random predictions:

David Garrard has a big week.

Zach Miller has another big week.

SF kills Philly

Brett Favre has a small penis. Oh wait. That's not a prediction...

-KEG

3-1 Bitches!

2010-10-05T21:40:00.003-05:00

Reason #2315 not to wake a sleepwalker

Look on the bright side - this is as many wins as I thought we'd get on the season. I mean, this isn't a team that screams "potential" and "consistency." This is a team that just screams. Usually in pain.

Seriously, is anyone surprised that Cutler's brains got scrambled? Our offensive line is just a bunch of turnstiles wearing jerseys. When you have a guy who hangs onto the ball like that one fat slow kid who always lost at "Hot Potato", something bad is gonna happen. In this case, Cutler fall down go boom.

Yes, he's concussed. Yes, he's going to throw picks. But he'll be back. Maybe not as willing to dive headfirst for that first down (which is, by the way, totally awesome), but he's still lightyears better than Todd Collins. And I'm pretty sure Collins died on Monday night...maybe not Trent Green style, but he's not going to be speaking coherently for a while yet.

I think Jay Cutler's impostor Twitter feed says it best:

NotJayCutler: Barndon Jercarbs FARMBLES!

Yeah, that sounds fun.

On the flip side, Caleb Hanie, am I right? CALEB FUCKING HANIE. This guy was like "should I get off the field?" after filling in for the since-deceased Collins and completing a 20-yarder to Knox! WTF is wrong with you!? YOU'RE A GOD AMONG MEN. If we had, like, three more snaps to judge against, I could create a small obsession about you (see: Brian Anderson, Aaron Gray, et al).

Here's to next week.

2-0 Bitches!

2010-09-19T20:06:00.007-05:00

Skillz!

Whoo boy, what a game!

If nothing else, this proved that all the good things from last week weren't a one-game fluke: the defense is good, Cutler isn't a disaster and Forte looks like v.2008.

Some new things we learned:

The Martz/Cutler combo is looking good regardless of the weak O-line.
Chris Williams is one more injury away from being a huge bust. Might have had that injury today.
Seems like the Bears don't need to be a go-to receiver: Aromashodu barely saw the field today, Hester came on strong after his 2 catch effort last week and Knox/Olsen have been reliably good.

Some questions remain about the secondary and our running game but this was as big win - and a much more credible win. Yes, the Lions are a lot better this year but it's hard to be impressed with the "win" from last week that we didn't really deserve. Throughly beating the playoff-favorite Cowboys on the road makes a statement.

The most important thing right now is that Cutler looks good. Really good. 5:1 TD/INT ratio, no stupid throws, minimal petulance... I AM EXCITED.

Next week is the Packers.

Ditka doesn't tolerate pussies. Unless of course...

-KEG

Bears win by managing not to lose

2010-09-12T19:03:00.006-05:00

Thankfully, Detroit forgot that Megatron is on their team until the end of the game.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to be a Lions fan today. Just brutal. Quick recap: Bears hand the game to the Lions all day but manage to take a 5 point lead with about a minute left. Backup Shaun Hill leads the Lions down the field and throws a jump ball for Calvin Johnson in the end zone that he catches (clearly), while getting both feet down and even lands on his ass with the ball in his hand before putting the ball on the ground to help himself get up. Ref calls it incomplete. Bears win. This is on par with the ridiculous Armando Gallaraga call last month (although that was pretty awful). God, it must suck to be from Detroit.

Needless to say, we escaped with a lucky victory despite the lopsided statistics (total yards: 463-168). A few thoughts/notes:

Cutler looked OK - lucky 80 yard TD pass on a screen to Forte and an awful decision on his INT. Fumble was normal, not particularly careless. Otherwise, pretty solid - made the throws he needed to make down the stretch including a few big 3rd down conversions and the game winner to Forte. Also moved well in the pocket to avoid pressure. The Lions have an underrated defensive front and secondary, so I thought he played pretty well overall.

Forte looks like he got his 2008 speed back. Big game. He'll mesh well with Chester Taylor, who is still the best 3rd down back in the NFL (great blocker, can catch well and is very situationally aware).

Bears WR's were all good but someone needs to step up and be a threat. My guess is that it'll be Knox (speed) over Aromashodu (size). We'll have to wait and see. Hester looks like a non-factor.

Bears D was awesome. The 14 points came from turnovers (which were brutal) but in all, Peppers looks like a beast and makes everyone else look better too. He forces the QB back to the middle where Harris, Briggs and Urlacher can destroy him. Also takes some pressure off the secondary (our weakest link) by bringing crazy pressure. He nearly killed Matt Stafford. Dude might be out for 6 weeks with a destroyed shoulder.

The Lions D is very clearly divided into 2 parts: the D-line and secondary (awesome) and the LB's (awful). Delmas is a stud, Suh is a stud and they all hit really hard. Glad none of our WR's got injured today.

If I can say one thing to cheer up the Lions fans, it's that Shaun Hill is not a pushover. This is the same guy that won a lot of games for the 49ers and kept getting replaced by younger less proven guys because of management agenda. He reminds me of Jim Miller mixed with Kyle Orton - not pretty but those two guys won a shitload of games in the NFL.

Well, not a sexy start to the season, but 1-0 is all that matters. Next week is at Dallas. I'm watching the Cowboys/Skins game right now... Boys are looking pretty good. However, if I was Tony Romo, I wouldn't be sleeping so well this week.

-KEG

Reassembling the 1990's Cleveland Indians

2010-08-29T20:29:00.003-05:00

As you have no doubt heard, the White Sox have acquired Manny Ramirez. Normally this would be exciting because we are in the midst of a pennant race, but no, the REAL reason this is exciting is because it puts Reinsdorf one step closer to his ultimate goal:

Reassembling the 1990's Cleveland Indians.

Sure, that sound silly - putting together all the elements from a 15-year-old team? Well, it sounded silly until you thought about this:

Position - Player (Played for the Sox in...)
C - Sandy Alomar (2001-2004)
1B - Jim Thome (2006-2009)
2B - Roberto Alomar (2003-2004)
SS - Omar Vizquel (2010 - )
3B - Herbert Perry (2000-2001)
LF - Albert Belle (1997-1998)
CF - Kenny Lofton (2002)
RF - Manny Ramirez (2010 - )
DH - Wil Cordero (1998 )

That is flat-out frightening. Think about that - we have, at one point in time, held the ENTIRE STARTING LINEUP of Indians players from over 10 years ago. AND WE'RE STILL GOING!

Having completed his prized collection of offensive Indians, the race is on to populate the pitching staff. We got off to a good start with Bartolo Colon, Jaime Navarro and Jason Bere, but there's more to be had!

And now for a moment of optimism

2010-08-26T21:24:00.003-05:00

See this guy? This man has pitched a perfect game, a no-hitter, and led us to a world series. He has been won of the most successful White Sox starters of all time. And for the ultimate indicator of how good the Sox pitching will be in 2010?

He will be our 5th starter next season.

That probably sounds completely insane to most of you, and you may be right. But when you think about it in terms of talent, performance, and youth, you wind up with a rotation that looks something like this for 2010:

#1. Peavy
#2. Floyd
#3. Jackson
#4. Danks
#5. Buerhle

You can't argue that Peavy is the ace - regardless of his health issues, he has a ginormous contract and he has proven himself in the past. If he comes back healthy, he is the staff ace. Floyd and Jackson have been downright filthy this year, with Jackson being yet another magic trick by Don Cooper. Danks got off to a great start this year, and still has the lowest starting ERA on the staff, but just hasn't been as dominant as Floyd and Jackson. And that leaves just one White Sox starter with the "high" ERA of 3.93 (!) this year as the odd man out.

Holy shit is our rotation going to be awesome next year.

In other news, our bullpen will be completely fucked as both Jenks and Putz will no longer be with the club. Oh well. A man can dream...

Furniture?

2010-08-26T20:10:00.002-05:00

Let's talk about kitchen tables for a minute.

I know what you're thinking - "Hey, you guys are a sports blog! In Chicago! And you come back from a hiatus with THIS?!" Yes, you feel somewhat betrayed that despite not posting in weeks, the best I can do is come back to you with a discussion about kitchen tables.

What would you prefer I talk about? That Lou Pinella poisoned his own mother to get out of coaching the Cubs? That the Sox are currently in the midst of a tailspin? That Jay Cutler was voted the QB most likely to get injured due to the awful line and Martz system?

Yeah I didn't think so, so let's talk about kitchen tables instead.

Y'see, the good folks at CSN promotions were kind enough to allow a giveaway. A little "somethin somethin" if you get my drift. They do furniture. They want to give you a coupon for said furniture. As such, I propose a contest to determine who wins.

Send an email to our address (you shouldn't get past this part if you can't figure out how to email us) with which Chicago sports player you would like to eat for breakfast at the kitchen table and why.

Best entry will win. Good luck, and I already call dibs on eating Nancy Faust. She's high in roughage!

Stonewall Jackson

2010-07-31T21:14:00.003-05:00

I may look intimidating, but the picture has rounded edges to show I have a sensitive side, too!

Well that was entertaining.

For those of you that don't quite understand what happened at the trading deadline, allow me to explain:

#1. Kenny Williams talked to Nationals GM Mike Rizzo about acquiring Adam Dunn last week. Rizzo explained that he wanted Quentin, Beckham, and prospects. Kenny kindly told him to fuck off.
#2. Kenny and Rizzo talk again earlier this week, with Kenny pitching a package involving Hudson and Tyler Flowers. Rizzo explains that he is interested only in a trade involving Edwin Jackson.
#3. On Thursday, Kenny talks to Rizzo about a possible deal where he would send Jackson, Christian Marrero, and a mid-level prospect for Dunn. Rizzo claims that if Kenny could get Jackson, he would do it.
#4. Kenny acquires Jackson.
#5. Rizzo asks for Jackson in addition to Quentin or Beckham.
#6. Kenny says "fuck you" and hangs up.

So, in short, we are now operating at a bit of a loss here, picking up Jackson on "good faith" and getting burned. Dunn remains on the Nationals and Fielder with the Brewers. Although there was some interesting talk of a Vicideo for Manny Ramirez trade, nothing else happened for us.

I couldn't be happier.

The Sox haven't had much luck with their self-hyped prospects. Pop quiz - where is Aaron Poreda or Royce Ring right now? Exactly. Jackson, although currently in the midst of a shitty season, has shown flashes of talent before with Tampa and with the Tigers. If Cooper can "fix" him (and Cooper believes that he can), you immediately add a proven starter to the rotation.

Sure, the money may suck (OK, the $8+ million is kind of insane for 2011), but if it helps us "win now" I don't see a reason to be upset. Jackson certainly helps our playoff push, and provides us with one hell of a 2011 rotation (read: no Freddy Garcia).

Here's hoping Cooper can bust out the Matt Thornton Magic Wand again.

Amar'e Stoudemire Loves Bagels, Has Hook Nose

2010-07-29T08:24:00.007-05:00

OY!

Apparently, Amar'e Stoudemire is a Jew.

http://www.jewishjournal.com/thegodblog/item/amare_stoudemire_is_jewish_20100728/

After finding out that his mother is Jewish (dubious), NY's big ticket did what any other 20-something Jewish kid would do - he hopped on a plane and went to Israel to flip out.

You can keep up on his exploits via twitter (amareisreal) including recent gems such as:

-I'm the new Reggie White. (RIP) I'm going 2 Israel 2 study Hebrew. It's time 2 get a better

understanding on who we R. Follow me !! Shalom

-On the flight to Israel. This is going to be a great trip. The holy land. Learn about it. This ze ha'halom sheli. Shalom.

-Jerusalem is a beautiful city, I'm at a cafe eating a late lunch. I learning Hebrew by the min. Keep up !!

Whatever. This whole thing ranks pretty high on the ridiculously unlikely scale. I'm only posting it because of the slim possibility that he sits out the season because he wants to learn in yeshiva. Then the Knicks have to call the head Rabbi and beg him to let Amar'e (now Avraham) come home and not stay for shana bet. Basically, the Knicks suck.

-KEG

Invasion

2010-07-29T07:50:00.003-05:00

Friends, brothers, countrymen - we are on the brink of war. Don't pretend like you haven't noticed it. This is a full-out SIEGE of the Dong. Every day we endure countless of attacks, lives and links hurled at us with the future of only an immediate death. They do not die with honor, nor do they waver from their suicide mission.

I am, of course, referring to the Chinese.

Yes, that's right, for every post we have on the dong, it is followed up by one of these "gems":

陳晏李秀樺雄 said...: 這BLOG真是讓人意猶未盡!!

YOU'RE A FUCKING AUTOMATION! You don't watch sports! You don't even know what the hell a ZJ is (for the record, if you have to ask, you can't afford it). Well, I for one am tired of this shit. We need to hit them where it hurts, and hit them hard. We will make them remember the day that they crossed the Dong.

As of Thursday, from 1:00 PM to 1:02 PM, residents of China will not have access to the StarCraft II servers.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "two minutes?" Well, let me assure you - two minutes in "StarCraft" time is equivalent to 30 years of normal human life. It's kind of like a "dog years" sort of thing. Don't believe me? Look at this and then tell me I'm fucking around.

Oh you bastards will rue the day you crossed us. When the news comes out of the mass suicides across China, just remember it was because you couldn't leave a normal comment about Keggers wanting to sexually violate Thomas Jones.

Why Does Everyone Hate Jim Hendry?

2010-07-25T23:14:00.003-05:00

We will march on Washington! We will have hamburgers in the dugout!

Look - I hate the Cubs as much as the next guy, but any Cub fan fighting for the removal of Jim Hendry is an absolute moron. Yes, the Cubs are terrible. Yes, the Cubs haven't won anything since the silent film era. I understand that it's tough and that someone is to blame, but you don't blame Jim Hendry.

Let's take a look at all the "horrible" things that Hendry has done for you over the years, shall we?

2002 - Hendry deals Dontrelle Willis and Julian Tavarez for Matt Clement and Antonio Alfonseca

As we know, Willis went on to have a few really good seasons for Florida, and has since become a colossal bust. Tavarez had a good year for the Pirates and one for Boston, but otherwise failed to live up to expectations (not to mention getting knocked around more than Rihanna).

On the Cubs end dumping the psychotic Tavarez proved to be a bit of "addition by subtraction", Clement had three great years for the Cubs (cumulative 3.80 ERA, and over 170 Ks every year), and is best known for being the guy that the 2005 White Sox annihilated on the way to steamrolling the Red Sox. Alfonseca had two sub-par years for the Cubs and became a pariah. Not really Hendry's fault though, as Alfonseca had a solid track record over the past 4 seasons when the Cubs acquired him.

Result: Push

2002 - Cubs deal Todd Hundley for Grudzielanek and Eric Karros

To put this simply, Hendry absolutely raped the Dodgers here. Hundley, a piece of shit with a lousy contract, gets dealt for two cornerstones of the 2003 team. Hundley never topped a .211 batting average in two years with the Cubs, and was out of baseball in 2005 after an even shittier year with the Dodgers. Grudz put together two years with a BA over .300 with Karros hitting .286 and both providing a damn solid infield.

Result: Big win for Hendry

2002 - Cubs sign Dusty Baker

Some people would view this as a failure by Hendry. Look at what actually happened here - Hendry managed to get the manager of a team that lost the World Series by ONE GAME to come to Chicago and manage a team that hadn't done shit. Baker follows through by taking the Cubs as close as they have been in several decades with a nice run in 2003. Unfortunately, due to mismanagement, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood become the all-time wins leaders in simulated games over the next few years.

Result: Baker did everything he was supposed to - not Hendry's fault the guy eats youth for breakfast. Push.

2003 - Cubs trade Jose Hernandez and Bobby Hill for Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton

Not one to roll over and die, Hendry makes a move after Corey Patterson gets hurt to keep the team rolling. Not only did Hill never top a .270 BA in his career (in addition to getting hurt shortly after the trade), but he was out of baseball two years later. Hernandez had a solid year in 2004, but was also out of baseball two years afterwards, ending a very long career. Lofton hit .327 for the Cubs that year in addition to providing stellar defense and a threat to steal bases. 50 games were never better. Oh, and that Ramirez guy? He's only been the best hitter on the team for the last 6 years. Not bad for a flier.

Result: Hendry's move keeps the Cubs alive, pays huge dividends later. Big win for Hendry.

2oo4 - Cubs get Derrek Lee and Michael Barrett for Hee Seop Choi and Damian Miller. Cubs sign LaTroy Hawkins, Todd Walker, Greg Maddux .

Every single one of those free agent signings paid dividends, especially Maddux. Yes, LaTroy Hawkins became yet another Cubs reliever of lore for being the cause of all things evil in the world (despite an ERA of 2.63). Barrett put up a couple solid hitting seasons (some of those hits being AJ Pierzynski) and worked out nicely. Derrek Lee became the Cubs second-best hitter of the past 6 years, and a hell of a fielder. To contrast, Hee Seop Choi was out of baseball just two years later, never topping a .250 BA. Miller was hitting .230 for the Cubs at the time, and although he put together two OK seasons after that, hit numbers were never as good as Barrett's.

Result: Yet another big win for Hendry.

2004 - Cubs get Nomar Garciaparra and Matt Murton for Alex Gonzalez, Brendan Harris, and Francis Beltran

Harris has managed to cling to life since this trade, and although he has never realized much potential, he's still floating around. Alex Gonzalez never played a full season again and was out of baseball two years later. Beltran tanked for the Expos, and then didn't touch a baseball until 2008 where he picked up a win with the Tigers (and has yet to play since).

In contrast, Garciaparra was still a huge name at the time. Although he was injured both years he was with the Cubs, he hit when he could. Murton had three good years for the Cubs (batting over .280 through 2007). Let's face it boys and girls - no amount of help could save the 2004 season - injuries to EVERY SINGLE CUB made sure of it.

Result: Minor victory for Hendry here. Tough luck that everyone was crippled.

2005 - Cubs deal Sammy Sosa for Jerry Hairston Jr., Mike Fontenot and David Crouthers.

Let's be clear here - Sosa had to go. When you pull one of those "pay me a bajillion dollars but I am going to leave the ballpark in disgust" things, you're gone. It also doesn't help when you're coming off the worst year of your career. Sosa had two meaningless seasons since - one with Texas and one with Baltimore - and never came close to his previous ability.

Fontenot, barring a lousy year in 2009, has been a great Cubs role-player and uber-clutch. Hairston was kind of a bum. He never topped the .260 he hit with the Cubs once in his career.

Result: Small win for Hendry. Nothing like a long term payoff for a washed up money sink.

2006 - Cubs get Jacque Jones and Juan Pierre for Ricky Nolasco, Sergio Mitre, Ranyel Pinto.

Finally, a loss for the Cubs. Nolasco has been pretty solid for Florida, Mitre had a great start to 2006 before injuries, and until this year, Pinto was great news for the Marlins as well. To contrast, Jones and Pierre were universally hated by every Cubs fan on the planet. This, of course, despite the fact that Jones his .285 in two seasons with the Cubs, and that Pierre hit .292 with 58 stolen bases. Of course, both were run out of town. Have I mentioned that Cubs fans are the worst scum of the earth?

Result: Hendry loses this one on reputation alone (although I'm going to say it's a small loss).

2007 - Cubs sign Alfonso Soriano, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, and Mark DeRosa

What's that? Despite sinking a bajillion dollars into Soriano (thank the Tribune for that contract), Hendry is able to sign three other big players for the Cubs? I'm not even going to grade this one, but suffice to say this is a great series of moves by Hendry. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.

Result: Huge win for Hendry

2008 - Cubs sign Kosuke Fukudome

This didn't work out as planned, huh? Never trust the Cubs to sit out a bidding war when the Tribune is willing to put zillions on the line. Unfortunately, this is an obvious loss for Hendry.

Result: Hendry's worst move to date

2009 - Cubs sign Milton Bradey

OK, I lied.

Result: Hendry's REALLY worst move to date. Not his fault that the guy decided to stop hitting, though.

2009 - Cubs trade DeRosa for Jeff Stevens, Chris Archer, and John Gaub

In one of the most fan-reviled moves of all time, beloved Mark DeRosa is sent away for three no-names. Stevens has actually turned out to be a solid bullpen component on an otherwise bullpen-weak team, and Gaub has been tearing up the minors last I looked. DeRosa has never come close to replicating his success on the Cubs since.

Result: Beloved or not, this is a win for Hendry thus far.

2010 - Cubs sign Marlon Byrd

Byrd has been the Cubs' best hitter this year. No ifs, ands, or buts. He's been an absolute monster at the plate and in the field as well. Thanks to Hendry, this guy is on the team.

Result: Thus far, ginormous win for Hendry.

In short, fuck you Cubs fans. Why must you complain about everything, even when it's going well? I hope you DO fire Hendry so you can wind up with some piece of shit like Brian Sabean. Then we'll see who's sorry.

Is this Heat Team Better Than the 96 Bulls (72-10)?

2010-07-17T20:22:00.007-05:00

Still The Best Ever?

The Heat officially signed Zydrunas Ilgauskas as the 9th player on the roster, joining Mario Chalmers, Mike Miller, Jamaal Magloire, Joel Anthony, Udonis Haslem and the big three, Bosh, Wade and LeBron.

That team is looking pretty goddamn good right now. Definitely one of the best in the NBA and an obvious title contender. But, is this an all-time great team? It's impossible to say before they've even played a game (let alone a full season) but on paper, we can at least look at some comparisons. I am obviously assuming that the 96 Bulls are the best team ever assembled:

Starters:
Jordan
Pippen
Kukoc
Rodman
Ron Harper
Luc Longley

Bench:

Steve Kerr

Randy Brown

Bill Wennington

Jud Buechler

James Edwards

John Salley

(Simpkins, Haley, Caffey - not on playoff roster)

Let's not match these team up against each other (the Bulls destroy them with Pip on LBJ, Rodman on Bosh and Jordan on Wade) but let's just think about the potential of the roster on paper. The Bulls seem a lot more segmented - each player has his specific role and was excellent at what he did. The Heat are more fluid - which could hypothetically help them fill some of their weaker areas (especially defensively and around the rim).

I think it's fair to say Jordan, Pippen and Rodman are better than LeBron, Wade and Bosh. Jordan is the greatest player to ever play the game and you can't really compare him (or his drive to win) with anyone, especially Wade. Statistically, Pippen is almost identical to LeBron except for points (20p/8r/6a/2s/1b to 27/7/7/2/1). Rodman is the greatest rebounder of all time (and one of the games best defenders). He holds the top two best rebounding seasons ever (over 18/game) and averaged 15 on this 96 Bulls team. Bosh averages 20/10 and we can assume his points will drop on this team while sharing the rock with LBJ and Wade. Rodman was also a much better defender than Bosh, by a lot.

So lets compare the other 2 starters: Kukoc and Longley/Harper to Mike Miller and Chalmers/Ilgauskas. Kukoc is much better than Mike Miller both statistically and in career arc (more reliable, more dynamic and more wins) but it's pretty close. Ilgauskas and Longley are equal (Longley was better defensively and Ilgauskas is better on offense). Ron Harper was sneaky good and certainly more proven than Chalmers at this point.

The remaining guys are mostly a wash - the Bulls had Kerr and Wennington and the Heat have Haslem and a steaming pile of shit.

As a basketball fan, I'm excited to watch the Heat this season. I think they'll lose the Lakers (if they get to the Finals) but they'll be a hell of a show. Even if they do manage to win, barring a Rondo-like surprise season from Chalmers, they won't go down as the best team ever.

Even if they win 6...

-KEG

Cleveland Steamer: a chat with F.A.G

2010-07-09T11:04:00.007-05:00

Here is my chat with Fisting Andrew Golatta this morning. It was too good not to share. Not surprisingly, he hasn't been following the LeBron saga, so this is a fresh take:

FAG: whats up, fag nipples?

me: this lebron shit is crazy man

FAG: ???

me: you watch any of this hullabaloo last night?

FAG: how long have you known me? didn't watch it. fill me in
FAG: OK, so i just read it on CNN. what's the big deal?

me: he just took a massive dump on cleveland, on live tv
me: it was funny

FAG: it's not like he's the first to do that. cleveland sucks

me: yeah but this was unprecedented

FAG: to me, it sounds like he agreed to be more of a team player and for less money, in exchange for actually winning something
FAG: can't really fault that

me: he didn't tell cleveland until the announcement.
me: he scheduled himself an hour on ESPN to shit on their face

FAG: hahahaha

me: normally, people just sign and it gets reported
me: he made a national spectacle of telling cleveland to go assfuck themselves

FAG: wait...he got his own hour on ESPN?
FAG: and used it to talk shit?
FAG: this guy is my hero!!!

me: it was insane. He held his own conference, on live tv, to tell his hometown to fuck off. Unprecedented.

FAG: so basically, he made a career move that was self-sacrificing and team-oriented but made that decision in the most asshole way possible

FAG: i love this guy!
FAG: Dude...fuck cleveland. Ohio in general is the anus of America

-KEG

Thank god this shit is over...

2010-07-08T22:53:00.004-05:00

I'm a self-absorbed douchebag!

Reinsdorf:
"I respect his decision, but as I've said before, I believe we'll be better than Miami."

"Miami will have three great players, but no center, no point guard and no cap room," Reinsdorf said before the decision. "I think we'll be better if he comes to us, but I think we'll be a great team without him."

Gar Forman:
"I remain convinced that this organization made the strongest of bids to acquire LeBron James during this free agency period," Forman's statement read. "

Those quotes are perfect - the Heat will be fun to watch but all 3 of them will suffer statistically and as a TEAM, they aren't that good. How are they going to stop Dwight Howard? How are they going to stop the Lakers (Pau and Bynum)? Put Artest on LeBron, Kobe on Wade and I think the Lakers win that battle 9 times out of 10.

The Bulls did all they could to get him and he would have made us a better team. I'm sure they offered more money, better chances of winning and anything else they but in the end it didn't matter. He was never really considering Chicago in the first place.

In the end, LeBron's decision wasn't about money. It wasn't about fame or the big stage. It wasn't even about winning. It was about LeBron having fun. I'm convinced they all committed to playing together 2 years ago in the Olympics. The month long audition was just a facade, or maybe just to decide where they would play (but it was always going to be together). In a way, it's the most selfish decision - where will I have the most fun playing? What's going to be the most fun for me? Who do I like playing with?

Bill Simmons said it best: Jordan cared about winning and Kobe about his legacy. Turns out LeBron cares about having a good time more than anything else. I can't say that makes him a bad person but it certainly makes him less of a basketball legend.

-KEG

P.S. Has anyone ever shit all over a city as badly as LeBron just did? I honestly feel bad for the creatures that live in Cleveland. What a shitshow.

LeBron James: an open letter

2010-07-08T14:39:00.006-05:00

Don't be a moron.

An open letter to LeBron James:

Dear LeBron,

I'm looking forward to your press conference tonight. I don't blame you for being an egomaniac. You're just reacting to an insane amount of public interest and the 24/7 prying of the media. Announce your decision (the biggest FA decision in NBA history) on your own terms. Give some money away to charity in the process... nice gesture. You are the best player in the NBA, you make any team an instant contender and you're in your prime. The spotlight is yours.

You have a tough decision to make: The Heat have Wade and Bosh, 2 of your buddies from the Olympics (also in their primes) and you can create a true dynasty in Miami. Even with scrubs filling out the rest of the lineup, you'll be in a great position to win a few championships and should have a lot of fun doing it. La de da, easy choice...

Wrong.

Miami is the worst decision you can make. If you succeed, you'll only add to Wade's glory. It's his team, his city. Miami-Wade County. Your accomplishments become diminished and even with multiple titles, you'll only be remembered as one of the big 3 (and potentially, not even the biggest... Wade will always have a title without you). If you lose... wow. It's ALL on you. The pressure is insane, with serious downside for your legacy. You also make less money and run the risk of ruining friendships (there will be finger pointing without titles). Also, the joke about signing Chris Paul next season? Financially impossible (although if everyone took a paycut to play together, you can ignore this paragraph because, fuck it, i'd want to watch that team every week).

What about the Knicks? Sure, if you can endure another few losing seasons and hope to have enough in the tank to make a run at CP3/Melo in 2011 AND develop enough talent to field a competitive team. Otherwise, it's almost as bad as in Cleveland. Now, if you know you can get CP3 in 2011 and can handle one more losing season (especially if you have to watch the Heat win from home this season) then MAYBE it's worth it. Big stage, chance to become legendary, good city, better prospects than the Cavs. But again, financially, no team can support that many superstars. 3 Elite players don't guarantee a title, in Miami or NY. You're better off going to the Heat and convincing everyone to re-work their deal in order to get Paul. If you want to WIN, the Knicks don't make any sense unless you are a totally self-absorbed egomaniac (very much in the realm of possibility).

But...

There is Chicago.

The historic Chicago Bulls. The city of broad shoulders. A chance to join the most well-rounded team with cap space to pay you what you deserve and a city that can rival NY for endorsement cash. A chance to win titles now and for the next decade. But most importantly, a chance to rival Michael Jordan as the best player of all time. BEST. OF. ALL. TIME. A lineup of Rose, LeBron, Boozer, Noah and Deng would be tough to beat. We could also move Deng, sign Korver and have space for improvement in 2011 (Melo?). This would give us the edge against the Magic and Lakers (a true C and PF in the front court, something the Heat or Knicks will not have - only the Bulls can matchup with Howard or Pau and Bynum).

If you care about winning and you care about your place in the pantheon of NBA legends, Chicago is the choice.

You only get one.

-KEG

Bulls get Drunk on Boozer

2010-07-07T16:19:00.004-05:00

Boozer: 5 Years, $80M.

Perspective:
Wade: 6 years $125M
Bosh: 6 years $95-125M (depending on if it's a sign and trade)
Joe Johnson: 6 years, $119M
Amare: 5 years, $100M

I'm not unhappy - we still have room for a max (if Lebron want's to win a title) and didn't break the bank for a guy who averaged 1.5 less ppg and 3 more rpg than Amare last season. Also, if we missed on Boozer, we would have had to sign David Lee, who is useless.

This is a good deal, he makes us instantly better and is a great addition to Rose/Noah/Deng and provides much needed inside scoring.

I like it. I like it a lot.

Updated LeBron odds:
Knicks: 50%
Cavs: 20%
Heat: 15%
Bulls 15%

KEG

NBA Update: Bosh and Wade to Miami

2010-07-07T12:24:00.005-05:00

Lebron Watch 2010:
40% Cleveland
25% NY
25% Miami
5% LAC/NJ
5% Chicago

We could still sign Boozer/D.Lee and JJ Redick/Ray Allen/Mike Miller and field a pretty solid squad with some depth. It'll be tough to get past Miami in the East though... especially if they DON'T get Lebron and sign 3-4 good support guys like the ones above.

This summer sucks.

KEG

NBA Free Agency: Like a Pedophile in a Kindergarten Class

2010-07-06T21:12:00.005-05:00

Fags

As everyone knows (thanks to an insane amount of media coverage), this is the biggest free agent bonanza the NBA has ever seen. The big names include LeBron, Wade, Bosh, Amare, Boozer, Dirk, Pierce and Joe Johnson. Amare just signed with the Knicks (not a bad deal, if he brings others) and Johnson is going to stay with the Hawks for a max deal which is apparently fair market value. But if you're a Hawks fan, you want to find market value, and strangle it to death.

Since everyone else is doing it, here are some arbitrary grades and predictions!

Grades:

Knicks: F

Sure, they got Amare but it's clearly a last-gasp effort to get a blue chip FA before the big 3 spurn the big apple. Amare is a really good player. How he'll play without Nash on a weak team (and on a bum knee with one half of an eyeball) remains to be determined. Unless they ALSO get another really good player, this is a failure of an offseason, considering the tanked last year and traded everything just for the opportunity to get a top 3 guy.

Hawks: F

Seriously. 6 years, 120M for a borderline all-star. Did I mention you'll be paying him until he's 35? Stupendous!

Predictions:
Bosh: I think he'll flirt with the idea of creating a super-team in Miami but will eventually end up in Chicago. It makes too much sense: we've needed a low post guy forever, he can play the 4 with Noah at 5 and he'll get his max deal in a major market city. With NY signing Amare, barring a sign and trade to Cleveland (which I don't know how the Cavs would pull off) or a deal to Miami, I see him on the Bulls.

Team: Bulls

Confidence: Would bet my AC (it's 100 degrees out today)

Wade: This one is tricky. He's throwing everyone for a loop by flirting with Chicago after calling out the organization for being disloyal to former players. Is he distracting us while recruiting the other guys? Is he really considering Chicago? His family does live here and he is in the middle of a divorce... so, it's not crazy. Don't see him in NY but I think he likes Miami too much to leave without going into a sure-fire winning situation. So, either he stays and Miami gets Bosh too (fuck) or he goes to Chicago with Bosh (sure-fucking-fire).

Team: Miami

Confidence: Would bet my adopted son, Julio (he's retarded).

LeBron: the crown jewel of this FA class and the least predictable of them all. He's given no indication of where he'll go and has met with all the major prospects: Bulls, Nets, Clips, Heat, Cavs and Knicks. He makes any of those teams an immediate contender. The Cavs will not agree to a sign and trade, so for a guy who's money-conscious, he'd need to make up the cash difference in a major market (which all of these teams have). Honestly, I have no clue what he values, what kind of guy he is or how much he values loyalty versus living in the set of The Book of Eli. There are really only 4 options:

1) He joins a super team with the other guys in Miami.

2) He and Bosh/Wade join the Bulls

3) He and Wade join the Nets/Clips

4) He re-signs in Cleveland and they get Bosh

I think sadly, that 4 is the most probable although that increases the likelihood that the Bulls get Wade, which is nice. I don't see him joining a super team (it dilutes his Kingship) and I don't see him going to Miami (not a good team even with Wade). So he's either going to Chicago (yay) or staying in Cleveland (boo) and if he stays in Cleveland, he might take Bosh with him (boo!!). He's probably going to stay in Cleveland but I hope he moves, just cause it's more exciting.

Team: Clippers (just to be contrarian)

Confidence: Wouldn't bet my sack hair on it

Nobody knows anything and we're all waiting for Thursday anyway, so here's a clip:

KEG

Brian Anderson Update: Still Not on the All-Star Roster

2010-07-05T18:00:00.002-05:00

I am Batman

Inexplicably, the All-Star voting did not result in Brian Anderson going to the All-Star game. It was not revealed how many votes he got (I'm sure it was on par with Albert Pujols), but there was some sort of behind-the-scenes collusion that resulted in a snub.

Of course, Brian took it all in stride, putting together his most impressive performance to date:

Anderson, the White Sox's first-round pick in the 2003 draft, threw a scoreless first inning Sunday in his professional pitching debut for Kansas City's rookie affiliate in the Arizona League. Anderson, the Sox's 2006 opening day center fielder, struck out two and allowed an infield hit to Yair Lopez of San Diego's rookie team.

Obviously, an overzealous editor got to this copy before it hit the press - let me give you the unedited version:

Brian Motherfucking Anderson, quite possibly the best player ever, threw a scoreless first inning Sunday. This should not surprise you, because he is fucking amazing. He fucking owned the other team. Seriously. They were all like "Oh Shit It's Brian Anderson!" and then the inning was over. Anderson, the Sox's 2006 opening day center fielder, struck out two batters, causing them to shit themselves. Also, it is believed that approximately 80% of the crowd wet their panties, including the males.

That's more like it.

Cedric Benson vs Texas police: Round 3

2010-06-29T22:08:00.004-05:00

Durr, I am a total fucking idiot.

In arguably the most predictable story of all time, Cedric Benson was arrested for assault after punching some guy (I'm going to skip the "allegedly" crap) in the face at a bar in Austin, TX.

Given that this is his 3rd arrest for a physical altercation during an offseason in the past 3 years AND that there are multiple witnesses from the incident AND that it took place at 1:30am at a crowded bar AND that he's reached a 9.5 on the mongoloid scale... I think the following quotes are even more amazing (from ESPN):

Bartender Bryan White told police that once outside, Benson complained to people passing by that "all these white boys are ganging up on me and kicking me out."

One of Benson's attorneys, Sam Bassett, said his client "looks forward to telling his side of the story at the appropriate time."

"Though he does not entirely agree with the version of facts recited in the court filings," Bassett said, "he does not wish to make his comments public at this time."

/Still laughing.

Yeah, I can't wait to hear his side of the story. He doesn't ENTIRELY agree with the facts... so I assume he's completely blame free here. We're so quick to judge...

Anyway, after feeling like I got kicked in the balls last season this is a nice bit of validation for the Bears organization. I still don't understand why we drafted this cretin in the first place but at least I don't feel as bad about cutting his ass.

Nevertheless, when he manages to stay out of prison and on the field, the dude can play:

P.S. I still fully blame him for driving Thomas Jones out of town, which makes him my least favorite Bear of all time and set us back a lot of money and a draft pick (on Forte). It might have been easier to just keep the MOST PRODUCTIVE RB OVER THE LAST 5 SEASONS and call it a day. I'm mad just typing this. Fuck you Benson, you entitled, arrogant sack of shit.

-KEG

How To: Getting On The Bandwagon

2010-06-27T16:54:00.002-05:00

Every Chicago resident, this post is for you. I know it hurt when all your friends were jumping on the Blackhawks bandwagon, and you just didn't know how to get on board. When you jumped for joy at a Byfuglien goal, they would oust you immediately when you incorrectly stated "Go Bi-Fuglian!" The sports world is a cruel and unrelenting beast, and fans that suddenly start rooting for the winning team are generally frowned upon*.

Luckily, I'm here to give you a chance to jump in with the White Sox, currently the hottest team in baseball. They're not in first place yet, and they just had their win-streak broken at 11, but they are definitely on the rise and have the potential to be an interesting team to watch down the stretch. Instead of waiting until August to care (and subsequently playing catchup on who the hell is on the team), let's get you some basic talking points to get in with some fans:

"Gordon Beckham is really not having a good year...do you think he'll get demoted?"
"Gavin Floyd has been insanely good lately but does not have the record to show it!"
"Carlos Quentin is driving in a lot of runs despite his batting average!"
"Will Omar Vizquel get playing time once Teahen gets back?"

Now, of course these are all questions and statements designed to make it look like you have a general idea as to what the hell you're talking about without actually requiring you to follow up with more information. There is no possible response to any of these four items that will result in you having to come up with a logical way to continue the conversation.

Once you get past these "icebreakers", it's on to the more hardcore questions:

Do you think Andruw Jones is going to be back next year?
When will they call up Carlos Torres?
Did you know that Southpaw is actually a chick?
What is Guillen's obsession with Kotsay?
Have you noticed how they're protecting Santos?

Questions like these will get you "in" with even the most hardened Sox fan. Unfortunately, these also require you to back up the conversation with some additional facts if the other participant can't answer. In order, the answer to these questions is "No," "July," "Yeah, she totally is," "He just screams 'Swagger'," and "Yeah, after a few bad outings, they don't want him to get figured out."

Once you've gotten through this basic initiation ritual, you're free to blissfully ignore the rest of the Sox season until August, waiting patiently until the Sox either make the playoffs or tank, at which point you can either remain unaffiliated or declare that you were "there for them the whole time and not like those fair-weather fan fuckbags."

Happy bandwagoning!*

* Unless you're a Cubs fan, in which case you should kill yourself anyways.

Bye Bye Cap'n Kirk

2010-06-24T16:21:00.005-05:00

(Looks like someone just credit carded the Cap'n)

In advance of the upcoming draft the Bulls are making moves. This just in from ESPN the Bulls are going to send Kirk to the Wiz kids and the 17th pick for cap space.

Im all for this, ive been wanting to see Kirk go for a while. Hes a good player but has no role on the bulls. Lets hope we can get two studs in the free agent market and start kicking ass like its the mid 90's.

TPC

This is too funny

2010-06-10T19:23:00.001-05:00

Lifted from barstool (www.barstoolsports.com) this afternoon:

Just too good not to repost.

I love this guy.

KEG

Called it (yawn).

2010-06-09T23:32:00.004-05:00

And of course, the Dong's favorite stud DBuff scores his 11th goal this postseason (beast!) and Patrick Kane redeemed himself with the OT game winner. If you haven't seen this shot yet, it's amazing (and not just because of the awesome mullet:

The cup returns to Chicago for the first time in 49 years. So wonderful. I think even 50 or 60 people watched the game. FYI in New York, the only indication that the Hawks won the Stanely freakin Cup was the bottom screen ticker on Baseball Tonight. Thank god for SlingBox and screw ESPN.

-KEG

Hawks in 6

2010-06-07T10:03:00.004-05:00

The chick in the Toews jersey is hot. Oh, and that's MJ.

He looks good in that jersey. I think he's been at all the Hawks home games in the finals, which is funny since I don't remember him attending any of the Bulls playoff games... I think he's really starting to hurt our chances of getting a big time FA - we should bring back Pipp, Kerr, Rodman, whoever and showcase them around a bit (we're a loyal organization!!).

Aside from Vince Vaughn, I think he was the only celeb they showed on TV. By comparison, the Lakers/Celtics game had the pope and 97% of the Vatican.

Anyhoo, Byfuglian continues to extend the Dongediction, scores 2 goals and we're 1 win away from the first Stanley Cup since 1961. This is very exciting. I was in Chicago over the weekend and saw more people in Hawks gear than I've ever seen in my life, including when we were popular with Roenick, Belfour and Chelios. Hot chicks too. Must be the ice girls influence:

Sidenote: I think that's the dude from the Office next to Jordan and is the other guy Penny Hardaway? Loved Lil Penny...

KEG

Hockey Town, USA

2010-06-02T12:31:00.001-05:00

Hawks in 4.

-KEG