Someone Check His Wrists

FLYING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!

After another Sunday loss, the Bears are now at a less than luxurious 4-7. We're obviously not going to the playoffs, but at least we can treat this as past seasons and root for the Bears to lose because we want a higher draft pick, right?

Wrong.

That pick belongs to the Broncos.

There's only one thing worse than a losing season, and that's a losing season where you don't even get the benefit of the higher draft pick from sucking because you traded it to the Broncos. This means that the entire rest of the season is like watching the Bears in limbo/purgatory. There is NOTHING for us to gain at this point.

All we can do is hope to make the Broncos' 1st round pick worse by stringing together a couple of wins, and we can't even do that either. I mean, the Bears have won one of their last seven games - Cutler was supposed to be the guy that takes us to the playoffs, gives us that extra boost, and then we can say "who gives a shit about that 1st round pick?" Instead, we can watch the Broncos draft the next Cade Enis, except when it ISN'T the Bears that draft someone, 1st rounders are sometimes successful.

THINGS TO DO THIS OFFSEASON:

1. Fire Ron Turner
2. Trade Hester
3. Spend all remaining draft picks on offensive line or defense
4. Kill self

Sigh

"Shhhh...just ignore them, Jay. No one can deny our love..."

Side Note: I actually wanted to find a screenshot of the end of the game where Hester missed the last pass of the game and his pants got pulled down. Searching for "Devin Hester, Ass" produced nothing out of the ordinary. I tried "Devin Hester, buttcheeks" at which point Google noticed my searching trends and suggested "Devin Hester, Keggers, Anal Sex." After that, it's just not worth it to search.

What to do, what to do?

In a game that started out with the usual "Oh yeah, I forgot we were terrible" vibe, the Bears actually came back to make it pseudo-interesting...briefly. After Cutler's touchdown pass to Davis, the universe seemed to say "Whoa whoa whoa - wait a minute. This is the Bears!" and then the rest of it went to shit. Couldn't stop the Eagles on the most important drive of the game, and couldn't get the ball downfield to come back from it either. I'm sure the Broncos will be loving their high 1st round pick next year. Fuckers.

As much as it feels so natural to try and blame this game on Jay Cutler (which I'm sure 90% of the Chicago media will do ANYWAYS), it's really not his fault. He was pedestrian, sure, but it's not like he cost us the game. There were some passes I would like to see a little closer to OUR players, but nothing horrible.

The real story that keeps getting lost this season is Matt Forte. Surely someone you know has been lamenting over Matt Forte. Running the ball is hard when your offensive line represents a bunch of Weeble-Wobbles, but you've gotta get something going. Hell, even past-his-prime Edgerrin James managed 60+ with the pre-good Cardinals' O-Line. There's something to be said here about a lack of execution.

Um...

Yes Jay, that's where your brain supposedly resides.

I was all set to completely exonerate Jay Cutler in my post today.

Somewhere in the third quarter, I thought: "shit, he's not getting any help and some fluky plays are making his stats looks a lot worse than they are." Hester fell down on a deep route that got picked off, Desmond Clark clearly got bumped on what should have been a PI penalty for another INT and Hester ran into the ref on an underneath crossing route that got picked off... That makes 3 fluky INT's, not really Cutler's fault and totally drive-killing.

So in the 4th quarter, I was pretty sure redemption would be spelled J-A-Y, driving quickly and efficiently downfield and in scoring position with enough time for 3-4 throws to the end zone.

Then...

BAM!

I don't give a shit how many good excuses there were for throwing 5 INT's. Most people will forgive one bad red zone INT (like his first one early in the game) but a GAME ENDING LAST MINUTE PICK, DOWN BY 4 TO END THE GAME AND CAP OFF A 5 INT DAY? Winners don't do that. That shit isn't supposed to happen to franchise QB's. This is very troublesome.

Hence, I will not exonerate Jay Cutler. I am legitimately concerned about his ability to lead our team and win football games. No doubt he has the talent to be a top QB but the intangibles are missing. His constant sulking and general lack of emotion (or any sense of gravitas) make me want to punch him in the fucking face.

Get pissed once in a while. Show some fire. Get pumped up. Even Peyton gets amped up once in a while. We should all pray that he doesn't end up like Jeff George, the most talented shitty QB of all time... just writing that sentence makes me want to kill myself.

Go Bears?

-KEG

Mark Teabag

Sigh...Kenny, what are you doing?

Our two biggest liabilities for this upcoming season are our infield and our lack of real presence. Trading Getz and Fields dumps all of our infield depth (meaning Nix starts at second base, and...um...we have no other players) and gets us Mark Teahen.

No knock against Teahen, but he's Rob Mackowiak part deux. Kenny loves these all-purpose utility guys, but when you need to fill a RF spot and a 1B/DH spot, you might want to get someone that actually excells at his position.

All the papers seem to believe that he is our RF of the future, and I REALLY hope they're wrong. Getting Teahen to play 3B or 2B would be much more valuable as we could then pick up a powerhouse in RF (/wishes Abreu hadn't just resigned) or a disgruntled psychopathic switch hitter to play DH (yes, I want Bradley. Sue me).

Worst case scenario, we start Teahen in RF, Flowers at DH (not bad), and Nix at 2B (bad). We need another acquisition or some rookie depth. Or maybe Kenny thinks Viciedo will make the squad this year. Who knows.

Win