Morning after

"Don't worry, it's still 11" flacid."

After last night’s bloodbath, I thought there were a few nibbletts of corn in the turd:

1) Grossman was able to walk in a brace after the game. Hey, it's better than what can be said for Campbell who was last seen being wheeled around looking for his kneecap.

2) Garret Wolfe is pretty good (and substantially better than Peterson).

3) We should only throw ridiculous passes to Berrian. He can't catch when he's open, but jesus can he make a highlight reel grab when it's damn near impossible.

Diving for dollars!

4) This puts us in great position to lose the rest of our schedule and get a better draft position. Hm... it's WAY too early to be thinking about the draft. This is pathetic.

FUCK GOD DAMMIT FUCK

I was having a flashback of 2003, when it was interrupted by two consecutive Griese-bomb interceptions.

Maybe this will make the impending doom a little easier.

10 Reasons Why I Will Not Be Upset If The Bears Lose Tonight

1) It will strike the final nail in the coffin that has become this season. Following a 13-3 year and a Super Bowl appearance, we Bear faithful felt we would cruise to a bye week, and contend for the privilege of being pimped, pimp slapped, and kicked out of the drug den by the Patriots. Urlacher, Tommie Harris, Griese (?!) and the other starters playing hurt will be able to focus on getting better for next season.

2) Rex can finally take his focus off of the field, and regroup to begin spreading the Rextacy gene by firing throwgasms all over the Chicagoland area.



3) The front office can finally address the dreaded QB issue that has plagued the franchise since Lovie Smith’s ancestors had to use separate entrances to get into the stadium. I heard that a certain Chicago native currently residing in Philadelphia may be available. He and his knees are capable of playing 8-10 games per year.

4) I will not wake up on Sunday with that knot in my stomach like I have every Sunday since the season began. There is nothing to get rid of the sweats and shakes like thinking of Rex completing a painstaking 35 step drop by getting sacked by the guy who beat Fred Miller off the line. It makes me wish for just a headache instead of a headache and dry heaves.

5) I can root for Purple Jesus next weekend on my fantasy team without worrying about him beating the Bears. The way he pummeled us earlier in the season indicates that he should smoke Archuleta -- even on only one good knee.

6) Seriously, is Adam Archuleta not the worst player in the league at his position? My grandfather with Parkinson’s disease gets to a tackle before this guy. At least if the Bears lose tonight I won’t have to watch his sorry ass run alongside receivers on the line for 20 yards before knocking them out of bounds.

7) The offensive line coach can begin classes in teaching Fred Miller that if you must hold a defensive lineman, the facemask is not the best place to do so.

8) At least if they do lose, only 20% of the country will see it.

9) Because the game is on the NFL network, we will all get the pleasure of watching Lovie give his post game press conference with the enthusiasm of a HAL9000 machine.

10) I can watch the playoffs this year in a complete drunken stupor, instead of only a partial one. Last year I punched a wall. It hurt a lot. This year I hope to have it hurt a lot less.

Joakim Noah is ugly, good

Wait- is that Tom Cruise or Joakim Noah?

Bulls beat the Bobcats (has anyone ever seen a Bobcat? Do these really exist?), 91-82 on the road.

Not to toot my own horn (which I normally do in the privacy of my own home) but my last post must have had some truth in it- the Bulls pounded the ball with Deng and Noch inside and Noah came off the bench to spark our second half rally. I didn't expect Thomas to get benched for Smith but the old man was relatively efficient and moved the offense more smoothly than Thomas has been.

Long term, we obviously need to get Thomas more minutes but for now, a win is a win and it's always nice when we shoot close to 50%.

Sidenote: Gerald Wallace is nasty good.

There Are People Uglier Than We Are

Come on – we have GOT to be able to beat a team with fans that look like this. Our beloved Bears travel to Washington take on the Redskins this Thursday, and even though the NFL Network has deprived the rest of the country of this game, lucky Chicago residents will be able to watch on Channel 50 (cable channel 8 in most places), “The U,” or “The CW” or whatever the fuck they’re calling themselves now.

Point is, the Bears need to assert control this game. As a matter of fact, while I can think of at least 21 reasons the Bears should win this game, the real reason we should win is because Rex Grossman will personally ejaculate on the hands of all Bears receivers for added grip.

Seriously – this dropped passes shit needs to stop. I am really getting tired of seeing Bears players do the “Retarded Ostrich.” You know what I’m talking about – the “Oh no, I totally just let that pass bounce off my hands and now I’ll bury my head in the turf.” Here’s a great one of Rex doing it.

We are going to win. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Destroy them with Peterson, and hit Berrian on the deep routes.

Bears 28, Redskins 21

Bulls are awesome

Noch, taking an imaginary bullet to the midsection.


The Bulls lost to the Mavs last night, 103-98 putting them dead last in the Central at 4-11 and second worst in the entire Eastern Conference (thank you Miami!).

The Bulls usually start slow, having overcome crappy starts to make the playoffs the last 3 years and I've read explanations ranging from lower PER's to psychological issues from the Kobe trade talk at the beginning of the season. After watching last night's game, I think there is a much more simple explanation.

Everyone knows our team shooting has been miserable (sub 38% on the season) and most fingers have been pointing at Hinrich at Gordan. Captain Kirk even got benched for Duhon to start the second half last night.

Now, I don't think either Hinrich or Gordon have been playing well but let's be honest, where the fuck is Ben Wallace, Tyrus Thomas or Thabo Sefolosha?

Hinrich is a great defender and runs the offense smoothly. Granted, he's been shooting like shit but that doesn't render him completely ineffective (like it does Gordon). Kirk even came back off the bench to drop 14 points in the 4th and keep it close with the help of a stellar late-game performance from the always sexy Noch machine. Where are our big men?

Every time I watch Thomas, he looks like he's about 10 seconds away from breaking out and completley dominating. Unfortunately, it's been like that for over a year. Compared to LaMarcus Aldridge (who we FUCKING DRAFTED) or even Foye or Farmar from the same class, Tyrus looks 3 years behind. He's so raw and unpolished that it's hard to make a real judgement call on his potential but if he doesn't start to produce SOMETHING, you've gotta start to worry. Sefolosha is shooting 28% from the field (down almost 50% from last year) and Wallace just looks old and crotchety, particulalry on offense where he just looks downright uncomfortable. Reminds me of a WR option pass... just not smooth (unless it's LT throwing).

I think we need to change our offense to be less reliant on outside shots and focus more on banging the ball inside. Deng can get to the basket and kickout to Gordon/Hinrich all day but until we put some confidence in Thomas or even Noah to score in the low post, we are going to struggle all season with tough jumpers. I wouldn't even mind letting Thomas go 0-15 from the post for a few games, just to see if it would improve our outside shooting by drawing one of the opposing guards a little tighter in the paint.

Tangentially, i'm becoming a bigger Noah fan every game. The guy brings serious spark to our sleepy team.

Sox Make "Blockbuster Deal" For Some Guy You've Never Heard Of

Recognize this guy? If you said yes, you're probably lying. The guy above is Carlos Quentin, and he's now our utility outfielder -- well, maybe.

Quentin has serious potential. He's about a year away from the majors, and posted a .342 avg in AAA with a .425 OBP a few years ago. In '05, he hit .301, knocking out 21 home runs and driving in 89 runs for Triple-A Tucson. He even has an impressive career OBP of .427 over 1,337 at-bats. Sounds like a great steal, right? Well, here's the problem:

Quentin is injury prone.

He spent all of 07' battling various ailments, ranging from arthroscopic shoulder surgery to hamstring problems. He finished the season with a Brian Anderson-Esque .214 average, five home runs and 31 RBIs for Arizona. Currently, Quentin is almost back to taking real swings (he's still recovering from shoulder surgery).

Long story short, we're looking at good upside and didn't lose very much. If Quentin pans out, we can make him the everyday LF for a defensive upgrade (even a surgically weakened arm is better than Pods' arm). If Quentin only makes the team (or if we acquire another outfielder like Fukudome), then Quentin can be the utility OF to spell Dye, or can even be sent to AAA for more seasoning.

In exchange, the Sox parted with Chris Carter, a slugging prospect who moved from AA to Class A, where Carter hit .291 with 25 home runs and 93 RBIs last season. Carter is a few years away from the majors, and could have some serious pop. He also has the mobility of Mo Vaughn and will probably be full-fledged DH. Carter probably won't be missed terribly from our system (we already have a few guys to replace him), but I really hope the D-Backs didn't just rape us again.

Hockey is stupid

To preface, I don't know anything about hockey or the Blackhawks. Unfortunately, I think that is standard issue for most people younger than 30, as hockey in general has kicked itself in the balls through player strikes, stupid TV contracts, expensive tickets and poor fan appreciation.

I watch ESPN and check scores. I know Crosby and Ovechkin and that the Red Wings are the best team in the league (as they have been since I was a little kid). I was actually surprised to find out that I know even less that I anticipated, not even recognizing teams like the Blue Jackets, Coyotes or Sabres. On top of that, I cannot name a single player on the Hawks. Not one.

I can't tell whether I should be embarassed or if this is status quo.

Regardless, there will always be a place in my heart for Bob Probert.




Aside from awesome fights and the occasional highlight, does anyone give a shit about hockey?

Good Rex

It's the first quarter, Rex is a perfect 8/8 for 80 and a TD.

I'll post again after the game but right now I'm so rexcited that I had to write something. That first drive reminded me why we were so excited 2 years ago when Rex came in for Orton at the end of the season and was throwing 40 yard lazer-darts (anything over 5 yards was pretty exciting after Neckbeard).

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Rex is a good QB.

He's streaky, unreliable, has terrible pocket presence and can't run for shit... but I think he gives us the best chance to win. He can throw the long ball (keeps 8 out of the box) and is relatively accurate. Let's not forget, the Bears lead the NFL in dropped passes and don't have a particularly intimidating run game.

I was happy to see Griese get a chance and I think he deserved to play after Rex's crappy start. Nevertheless, Griese is not the long term answer- he's past his prime and wasn't much more consistent or effective than Rex. He's also a dead ringer for Cap from Any Given Sunday...

...and we all know what happened to Cap.

I think we owe Rex a little more slack. He took us to the Super Bowl in his first full season and continues to show flashes of brilliance. I'd rather take my chances with the gunslinger than play it safe this season with Griese... or play it retarded with Orton.

The grass is NOT always greener.

I Think I’m Getting a Little Pumped for Baseball Season

That, boys and girls, is Orlando Cabrera turning a double play last year on the Angels. Can anyone tell me the last time they saw Juan Uribe get this much hang-time (other than when he lynched his gardener)?

I could really get used to seeing this sort of thing on the Sox – not only is Cabrera a slick fielder, but he hit .300 last season. Uribe, on the other hand, looks like Grimace in a Sox uniform trying to defend himself from a renegade bumblebee.

I mean, seriously, I don’t think I could handle seeing that tub of shit hacking at the ball for another year. He was a tolerable nuisance in 2005 because of his fielding, but he can’t even do that anymore – now we’re paying $5 million a year for this lardass to sit on the bench. If you need a fat guy to sit on a piece of pine for five months, what the hell are you paying him for? I’m your man – I’d do it for half that!

On the flip side, I’m really going to miss Jon Garland. Yeah, sometimes he played like Judy Garland, but he was a rock solid innings-eater. He was good for 6 innings rain or shine, and delivered plenty of gems in the clutch. Also, when was the last time you saw Garland on the DL?

Exactly.

Either way, we get to see what John Danks and Gavin Floyd can do with the last two spots of the rotation (behind Buerhle, Vazquez, and Contreras), and maybe get Nick Massett and Gio Gonzalez some time in the rotation.

We may just be going back to “The Kids Can Play” motto after all.