Sox vs Royals

In light of the current Sox-Royals series, I thought this was appropriate:

http://www.q101.com/airstaff/SHERMAN_PHONETAP_PLAYER.aspx (click on "Royals Fan")

We also know the Royals fan who got busted on this, so it's even more funny. He's a close friend of my buddy Tank.

Also, if anyone stayed up to watch the Sox game last night, it was most awesome. Thome is starting to heat up and Ramirez is proving to be even better than advertised. We don't need any farm-fire trades to make the playoffs (or at least that's what I keep telling myself).

Free feel-good Cubs picture of the day:

Seconds earlier, she was overheard discussing the merits of having a leadoff hitter with high OPS versus OBP and whether Carlos Marmol would be able to close if Wood got hurt down the stretch. Typical intense scrutiny from a self-proclaimed "seriously dedicated Cubs fan".

-Keggs

Suicide Watch in Effect

I know something that you don't...

This is strange. The Cubs just acquired Rich Harden, one of the top ten AL pitchers, and Chad Gaudin, a potential strikeout monster, in exchange for their usual "here's some wasted potential and a vat of Hendry's urine."

And I'm not upset - even though Brad thinks this is, of course, the year.

If history is any indication, the Cubs have the ability to make the most RIDICULOUS trades, only to have them blow up in their faces. I remember when they traded perennial bench-warmer Todd Hundley for Karros and Grudzielanek, and when they got Garciaparra and Matt Murton for a bag of baseballs and some A Ball prospects. Not a single one of these trades led to a victory, no matter how ridiculous.

To make matters worse, in this trade, the Cubs got TWO good players instead of their usual just "one and done." Harden has been nigh-filthy this year, and although Gaudin has struggled with his K/BB ratio, he's also infiniately better than shit stains Jason Marquis, Sean Marshall and Sean Gallagher. In exchange, the Cubs trade Matt Murton (who is actually pretty good, but he doesn't hit for power), Eric Patterson (Corey's less talented brother, if that's any indication), Sean Gallagher (a nobody who has pitched tolerably for the Cubs thus far), and Josh Donaldson (a catcher I had not heard of until just now).

And yet, I'm still not worried.

In addition to the Cubs' glorious history of failure, there's another factor in play here - Billy Beane doesn't like to get ripped off. If Beane is pulling the trigger on this deal (and it looked like a bit of a desperation move, what with it coming a few hours after Sabathia went to Milwaukee), he probably has a good reason.

Combs are for pusses.

Let's take a quick trip in the time machine, shall we?

Billy Koch: Sox trade Keith Foulke (who rebounded) for this guy with a noodle arm, no velocity, and the strangest skin condition ever.
Barry Zito: Not really a trade, but the A's let him go without a fight...because he's washed up and fucking awful this year. Go Giants!
Mark Mulder: Cards traded Dan Haren (we know how THAT turned out) along with Kiko Calero (eh) and Daric Barton. Mulder pitched tolerably well for St. Louis for a year, but has been awful ever since and setback by injury in almost every year since 2005.
Tim Hudson: Traded to save money, and for a bunch of nobody-prospects (except maybe Cruz). This is the one that got away. Hudson went on to pitch well for the Braves, and is still getting it done.
Dan Haren: The jury is still out on this one. Haren is pitching well for the D'backs (without an injury setback), and the prospects that the A's got are just starting to scratch the surface of the majors (watch out for Dana Eveland and Carlos Gonzalez)

Of these "highly touted" players, only one trade has conclusively worked out for the recipient of an A's pitcher. If Beane is willing to part with two guys, there must be something up his sleeve. My guess? Harden has something bad coming down the pipe around August (think Zito-esque performance with the occasional full-blown injury), and Gaudin will continue his disturbing trend of walking too many guys - which will likely be amplified by the pressure of Wrigley's fans.

As for me, I'll be getting my Matt Murton HoF jersey any minute now...

That's Harden. Dick Harden.

Yes, he has a black penis that looks like a Thanksgiving day turkey. Don't ask me why.

I'm not going to lie, that's exactly what mine did after I found out about the newest Cub, Richard Harden. The puns with Hard On are too easy to come by. (That's what she said?)

The Cubs were a better team than the Brew Crew even after they landed their second 300 pound major leaguer yesterday (although to be fair to Prince Fielder, he's constipated) - but this just solidifies it.

Sure, he may be the second coming of Mark Prior - but as long as it's Mark Prior 2003 - who gives a rat's cornhole? The cubs lost nothing in this deal other than Sean Gallagher, who wasn't going to start for them this year or next anyway. I hope he does well in Oakland. Murton is a horrible defender and subpar with the bat, which is a bad recipe for a corner outfielder. Eric Patterson is...well, Corey Patterson's brother - so yeah, he can go fuck himself. The best part is, he's not a rental like Sabathia - Harden will join the Cubs for at least another year.

There aren't too many teams that want to face the Cubs right now, let alone when Soriano returns. We'll see if they can sustain this momentum, but they will be really tough to beat in a playoff series with the arms on their bench now.

GODDAMN IT SHUT UP BRETT

Like my regularly scheduled post-lunch dump, this Favre offseason drama is both expected and a disaster.

I don't care much about Brett Favre and the Packers but I can't stand the terrorist situation (it's no longer a hostage scenario) going on with our northern neighbors.

Here is a condensed version of the 75 hour ESPN special, 35 articles, 400 news reports and mysteriously intercepted text messages: Brett wants to play football because he has nothing else to do. The Packers don't want him back because they have a lot invested in Aaron Rogers and can't keep planning 1 year at a time, dependant on what scent of deodorant Brett wears. The fans are split from what I can tell, since Brett can still play, is a living legend and took them to the playoffs last year.

I have 2 very relevant thoughts on this:

1) I just sent Lovie Smith a text message "Loviecakes- its me, Keggs. We gotta get Brett in the Blue and Orange. P.S. Cedric wants his cast-iron cleats back."

2) There is no way Brett plays for another team. I just don't see it happening (and certainly not with the Green Bay antichrist, Chicago Bears). So have Mike McCarthy or Ted Thompson grow a pair of testicles and make an announcement that Rogers is starting the 08 season and Brett is only welcome to return as a backup. Unless the Packers make a statement like this (or anything definitive) they will be at Brett's mercy indefinitely. The latter also bears a striking resemblance to my fecal episodes.


Brett in his prime:

Let the Rose-Beasley debate begin...

Hulk smash!

The NBA Summer league (a bastion of false hope and meaningless stat inflation) started this week, highlighted by the Heat pounding the Bulls 94-70 behind Beasley's 28 points in 24 minutes.

I am a staunch supporter of DRose and I believe the Bulls made the right decision to go with a talented leader at PG over another immature PF (we have plenty of those, although this guy can definitely score in the low post). No knock on Beasley- he's going to be great- but given all the information headed into the draft, the Bulls made the right pick and have enough talent to trade for a good scoring PF (much easier than trying to trade for an outstanding PG).

It's way too early to start second guessing our pick. "Oh wow, Beasley scored a lot of points on Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas in a completely meaningless game!" Forgive me for not slitting my wrists just yet. If anyone needs reassurance about the stupidity of this argument, take a look at the top 3 scorers from last years summer league: Marcus Banks (42ppg), Louis Williams (25.2ppg) and Von Wafer (24.2ppg). Not only are those a lot of points for 3 guys I've never heard of, but none of these guys went on to average more than half those numbers during the 08 season.

Here, just watch this soothing video and stop freaking out:

-Keggs

Snubbage

This All-Star game is total bullshit. The entire AL team is comprised of overrated Yankee/Red Sox players (6 of 9 starters batting, both closers and 2 reserves). It's insane! I'm not going to dissect each pick but there are a few that really piss me off:

Joe Mauer, C, MIN and Jason Varitek, C, BOS

Take nothing away from Mauer, he's a really good player with consistently good numbers. I just feel compelled to note that he has the lowest number of at-bats for any healthy starting catcher in the entire league. The guy sits once or twice a week, every week. Regardless, I have no issue with him starting... what I DO have an issue with, is fucking shitty overrated crapface Jason Varitek keeping our boy AJP out of the game. AJ is an every day catcher on a first place team hitting .296, with 33RBI, 39R's and 7HR's. Look at Varitek's joke of a season: .218, 27RBI, 18R's and 7 HR's. Unbelievable. He even got benched last night against the Yankees (one of their biggest series, I'm sure you've seen the highlights taking up 90% of ESPN this past week). Fucking miserable.


Derek Jeter, SS, NYY

Jeter is batting .281 with 37 RBI, 5 Steals and 4 HR's with no other stats worth mentioning. Obviously Michael Young should be starting (.292, 46RBI, 7HR).


JD Drew, OF, BOS and Manny Ramirez, OF, BOS

Drew is having a great season (.299, 61R's 16HR's 51 RBI) but so is Jermaine Dye (.308, 51R's, 19 HR's 52RBI). Both are having a better season than All-Star incumbant Manny Ramirez and Dye is the best hitter on the 1st place team in the AL central and 4th best team in the entire league.


Don't even get me started on the pitching... -cough- Gavin Floyd -cough- John Danks -cough- since I'd totally spend the rest of the day ripping into the crappy staff on the AL side.

So, let's stop whining about it and vote JDye into the All-Star game.

UPDATE: Looks like ESPN agrees in their poll:

1) Who was the biggest snub among AL hitters?
91.9% Jermaine Dye, White Sox
3.6% Aubrey Huff, Orioles
2.8% Nick Markakis, Orioles
1.2% Johnny Damon, Yankees
0.6% Hideki Matsui, Yankees

This article also echoes some of my sentiment.

-Keggs

Crede Added to All-Star Roster - Pitching Staff Snubbed

From Sox Machine. "[Crede] was a bad choice!"

Holy Shit We're Famous

Nah, not really. But still, any award is a good award:

http://www.flatusyahu.com/2008/05/06/top-ten-sports-blog-logos/

Kicking It Old School

Let's face it - Chicago gets its fair share of sports anomalies. We're known for players who are crazy good (see: Michael Jordan), and just plain crazy (see: Dennis Rodman). With Benson's most recent arrest, it's time to show some love for one of our less publicized skills: law-breaking. Without further ado, I present the all-time Chicago criminals...MLS lineup.

What, you can't have criminals play soccer? Screw you, I can do what I want.

Striker: Wil Cordero

Go Go Gadget Knees!

Wil Cordero is criminal soccer's version of "The Natural," and is definately an all-star at his position. Just listen to this:

"Red Sox outfielder Wilfredo Cordero, facing charges of assaulting his current wife, also allegedly beat his former wife when she was pregnant, according to a court document obtained by the Boston Globe."

This guy beat the shit out of his current wife, and he struck the pregnant ex-wife. Not only that, but he was resourceful enough to do it with a telephone! If that doesn't qualify him to be a "striker," I don't know what does. In terms of actual sports ability, Cordero was a Silver Slugger in 1997, and even though the ligaments in his arms are shot, I'll bet his legs still work.

Striker: Albert BelleWhat me worry?

I put Albert here based on potential. When it comes to being a striker, Belle has an incredibly high ceiling. Just look at the trouble he went through for stalking his girlfriend:

"[Belle]...was been arrested and charged in February, then arrested again May 17 at his Scottsdale home after he again contacted the victim. He has been jailed since the second arrest and received credit for time served only since he entered his plea. Belle's former girlfriend told police in January that she discovered a Global Positioning System tracking device that had fallen off her car. She also said Belle had threatened her."

That's just in stalking her! Can you imagine the potential if he actually got close? This guy could be perennial all-star!

Midfielder/Forward: Cedric BensonThis image can do no wrong.

Cedric could have been a forward, but something about needing to be able to run 10 consecutive steps forces me to downgrade him to midfielder. When he has an open field in front of him, he likes to fall down - in soccer, this is good! They call it "slide tackling." You need him to fall down to block midfield passing. As a midfielder, his job is to connect the forwards and defenders, as well as disrupt the same interaction for the opposing team. Not only that, but you know Cedric has some fight in him as well, racking up multiple violations in the same year. This is a guy you want to keep things rowdy in the midfield, pepper spray be damned.

Midfielder/Forward: Michael JordanContrary to popular belief, I am only 99% perfect.

Jordan could probably play midfielder (athletically speaking) even without me making things up. However, when you see how Jordan handled his gambling - bridging that gap between gambler and player flawlessly - you see how he could bring your MLS team to a whole new level with quick, accurate passes and a deep pockets for the occasional lawsuit.

Midfielder/Forward: Joakim Noah"KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!"

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the midfielder is responsible for bridging the gap between the offense and defense. Noah is already a pro, having already bridged his fantasy drug-induced world with our own. If he can concentrate on the game long enough to remember which team he's on, he could be a valuable asset to the team...provided Ben Wallace allows him to play.

Midfielder/Forward: Tuomo Ruutu

But...I didn't do anything!

Ruutu is an interesting case. He qualifies for the list because he was arrested, but he was arrested because he looked like a criminal, not because he was one. Frankly, I'm torn about putting him on this list, but I think he has the actual experience needed to be a midfielder, and if we're even going to pretend to be competitve, ONE of these choices has to make a little bit of sense.

Defenders: Lance Briggs, Alonzo Spellman, Brian Urlacher, Tank Johnson

How can you argue with these selections? You've got your explosive/lunatic speedsters in Spellman and Briggs, and you get your hard-hitters in Urlacher and Johnson. Briggs is obviously the sweeper in this group - his experience with roaming the secondary on the Bears pays off here. Johnson provides the muscle for this group, and keeps the opposing team on their toes...by shooting at them. Urlacher can read incomind attacks - and respond with threatening text messages while Spellman can just try and blow up the whole fucking stadium to match any one of his exploits.

Basically, this is the defensive unit you do NOT fuck with. Just like the real Bears, their strength is in their D.

Goalie: Roland Harper

Roland? Call me Lando

Here's a guy you want in front of the net with the game on the line. Harper was always a good blocker with great hands, so you already knew he could handle a flimsy little ball. Then we learned that he had sticky fingers, too, and now he becomes the automatic choice for goalie. Best of all, if any one of these other players goes down with an injury (cough JAIL SENTANCE cough), Harper could fill in for any one of them, and get'er done.

Coach: William Ligue

Hugs and kisses!

This guy knows what the game needs, and how to play your cards. Enough said.

Oh, and lest we forget about this guy - UTILITY PLAYER.

Surprise! Bears are going to suck.

Excessive force! Excessive Force!

For anyone who is already itching for fantasy football season, Yahoo came out with their "Juggernaut Index" this morning, ranking teams on their fantasy value (so, essentially only their skill position players, QB, WR, TE, RB). Keep in mind this ought to have no direct correlation to the Bears W/L record.

Not surprisingly, the Bears rank DEAD FUCKING LAST at 32. I get the WR part (I mean seriously guys, Marty Booker and Brandon Lloyd?!?) and I certainly understand the skepticism at QB. Some folks are bullish on rookie Matt Forte (as am I) but if he's in your fantasy starting lineup, you are probably fucked. [Note: I am a total sucker for preseason hype. It gets me every year. I was the conductor on the Benson bandwagon disaster and I have been known to endorse other sub-par preformers including Kevin Jones, Vernon Davis, DeAngelo Williams, and Fred Taylor (but only while he was injured). Hell, I even liked Rashaan Salaam when we drafted him.]

A few personal thoughts on our offense:

1) If Mark Bradley turns out to be half as talented as everyone thinks he is, he should pull in 50 catches and 3-5 TD's as a WR3.

2) Matt Forte adds a pair of soft hands to the backfield that we haven't seen since TJ left. Don't underestimate Ron Turners affinity for screen passes and short routes underneath. He loves that shit. With Chris Williams bolstering our line and Greg Olson keeping MLB's/OLB's honest, he might have a chance at 60-70 REC's too (remember, Peterson had ~50 last year in shared time).

3) Rex will have a "good" year. This totally makes sense- he always does JUST enough to keep the Bears from getting rid of him. He's done this every year he's been in the league. In order to keep his job after the 1 year contract he signed, he'll need to throw 20TD's with less than 15INT's... he will probably do just that (and nothing more).

I don't disagree with putting the Bears at the bottom of the league in terms of fantasy impact. Our skill players suck. Perhaps if there are enough internet articles to persuade delusional Ron Turner to get some help at these positions (sign Koren Robinson?), we might not completely dismiss the Bears on draft day.

-Keggs