Yes, our teams really are that badThis week is big.
Much like Christmas and Independence Day, there is one day in the year that I look forward to more than any other:
The day that Keggers and I play each other in Fantasy week.
I prefer to call this day "Scrambled Eggs Day" or "Judgment Day" or even "You Will Fucking Lose" day. Currently, my team is in last place. That's right boys and girls - as a (karma induced?) victim of the buzzsaw in multiple weeks, I find myself in the top half of the league in points scored, but number one in points against. Last week was an especially painful loss (130 - 140) that pushed me further into the depths of the basement as I clawed my way towards freedom.
Let's see how this week's matchup is going to play out, shall we?
QB - Eli Manning (21) vs Jay Cutler (9.57). I've got this one easy. As much as I love Cutler, Thursday night's conservative offense did Keggers no favors. If Manning tops 100 yards and a TD (and I expect he will with a shootout against Philly in the making), then I already get more points. Winner: Gepetto
RB1: Rashard Mendenhall (17) vs Steven Jackson (14). Despite fucking me over last week with a non-existant performance, the universe knows that Mendenhall is generally good for 16 points any given week. Throw in the fact that he has a matchup against Oakland, and you can bet that the Steelers will try and control the game with the run. SJax is also quite a player, although I expect that he will largely be taken out of the game to block once St Louis starts losing early to Atlanta's high powered offense. Winner: Gepetto
RB2: Fred Jackson (11) vs Shonne Green (11). Even though Jackson had an insane week last week, Buffalo is still a team with only one win on the season. If I believed for a second that they could hold a lead against Cincy, I would give myself the nod here. On the flip side, Green has been non-existent almost all season, and has taken a serious backseat to LT. I say both get about 10 points for their owners. Winner: Push.
WR1: Calvin Johnson (21) vs Hines Ward (11). Not even close. Hines is a baller (when he isn't concussed), but there is no stopping Calvin this year. Shaun Hill has no problems with force feeding him jump balls, and CJ couldn't be happier. Winner: Keggers
WR2: Jabar Gaffney (9) vs Brandon Marshall (5.6). Normally I would have given Keggers the edge here, but 5.6 points? Really? Gaffney is averaging 9. I think I've got this one in the bag. Winner: Gepetto.
WR3: Mike Thomas (9) vs Pierre Garcon (13). While Thomas had an amazing week for me last week, he has a tougher matchup and a pretty low chance of catching a 50-yard hail mary off of a riccochet. Garcon has all the tools to be amazing (and a WR1), but so far has been a huge disappointment this season. Even so, the guy can be much more dangerous than Thomas when he's clicking. Winner: Keggers
TE: Jacob Tamme (13) vs Tony Gonzalez (6). Tamme is the best TE in football right now. The man has put up double-digits in each of his last three (and only three) starts. Try and keep up when all you're doing is blocking for the run game, Tony. Winner: Gepetto.
K: Shayne Graham (9) vs Adam Vinatieri (12). Both are good, but Graham seems to be a little less accurate than the guy with the superbowl rings and the more potent offense. It's gonna be close, but I give Vinatieri the nod here. Winner: Keggers.
DEF: Bears (18) vs Kansas City (9). If the Bears hadn't already played, I would give this one a push. Frankly, Arizona is awful and KC should put up a big game against them. Then again, the Bears already gave me a delicious 18 points. You're fucked. Winner: Gepetto
Tally it all up, and what do you get? I'll tell you. Final score 118 - 100. Gepetto wins despite the monster day from Calvin Johnson. Kneel before Zod.
Much like Christmas and Independence Day, there is one day in the year that I look forward to more than any other:
The day that Keggers and I play each other in Fantasy week.
I prefer to call this day "Scrambled Eggs Day" or "Judgment Day" or even "You Will Fucking Lose" day. Currently, my team is in last place. That's right boys and girls - as a (karma induced?) victim of the buzzsaw in multiple weeks, I find myself in the top half of the league in points scored, but number one in points against. Last week was an especially painful loss (130 - 140) that pushed me further into the depths of the basement as I clawed my way towards freedom.
Let's see how this week's matchup is going to play out, shall we?
QB - Eli Manning (21) vs Jay Cutler (9.57). I've got this one easy. As much as I love Cutler, Thursday night's conservative offense did Keggers no favors. If Manning tops 100 yards and a TD (and I expect he will with a shootout against Philly in the making), then I already get more points. Winner: Gepetto
RB1: Rashard Mendenhall (17) vs Steven Jackson (14). Despite fucking me over last week with a non-existant performance, the universe knows that Mendenhall is generally good for 16 points any given week. Throw in the fact that he has a matchup against Oakland, and you can bet that the Steelers will try and control the game with the run. SJax is also quite a player, although I expect that he will largely be taken out of the game to block once St Louis starts losing early to Atlanta's high powered offense. Winner: Gepetto
RB2: Fred Jackson (11) vs Shonne Green (11). Even though Jackson had an insane week last week, Buffalo is still a team with only one win on the season. If I believed for a second that they could hold a lead against Cincy, I would give myself the nod here. On the flip side, Green has been non-existent almost all season, and has taken a serious backseat to LT. I say both get about 10 points for their owners. Winner: Push.
WR1: Calvin Johnson (21) vs Hines Ward (11). Not even close. Hines is a baller (when he isn't concussed), but there is no stopping Calvin this year. Shaun Hill has no problems with force feeding him jump balls, and CJ couldn't be happier. Winner: Keggers
WR2: Jabar Gaffney (9) vs Brandon Marshall (5.6). Normally I would have given Keggers the edge here, but 5.6 points? Really? Gaffney is averaging 9. I think I've got this one in the bag. Winner: Gepetto.
WR3: Mike Thomas (9) vs Pierre Garcon (13). While Thomas had an amazing week for me last week, he has a tougher matchup and a pretty low chance of catching a 50-yard hail mary off of a riccochet. Garcon has all the tools to be amazing (and a WR1), but so far has been a huge disappointment this season. Even so, the guy can be much more dangerous than Thomas when he's clicking. Winner: Keggers
TE: Jacob Tamme (13) vs Tony Gonzalez (6). Tamme is the best TE in football right now. The man has put up double-digits in each of his last three (and only three) starts. Try and keep up when all you're doing is blocking for the run game, Tony. Winner: Gepetto.
K: Shayne Graham (9) vs Adam Vinatieri (12). Both are good, but Graham seems to be a little less accurate than the guy with the superbowl rings and the more potent offense. It's gonna be close, but I give Vinatieri the nod here. Winner: Keggers.
DEF: Bears (18) vs Kansas City (9). If the Bears hadn't already played, I would give this one a push. Frankly, Arizona is awful and KC should put up a big game against them. Then again, the Bears already gave me a delicious 18 points. You're fucked. Winner: Gepetto
Tally it all up, and what do you get? I'll tell you. Final score 118 - 100. Gepetto wins despite the monster day from Calvin Johnson. Kneel before Zod.
2 comments:
The Bears fucked me, yet, I couldn't be happier.
Even if I lose, we win brother.
Yeah...that FJax/Green differential? Not so much.
Instead of "EVEN" I should have written "I get 20 more points than you"
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