PAULIE

THIS FISH-EYE LENS MAKES MY JUNK LOOK HUUUUUUGE!

Where the hell is that Staples button, because that was easy. Three years, $37.5 million, and an insane 1-2 punch with Dunn for at least the next three years. That's exciting.

Let's take a look at our roster, shall we?

C: AJ
1B: Paulie
2B: Beckham
SS: Ramirez
3B: Teahen (really? I give this two weeks before Morel is playing 3B again and Teahen platoons)
LF: Pierre
CF: Rios
RF: Quentin (switch with Dunn as needed)
DH: Dunn

That's fucking good. With Rios, Dunn, Quentin, Ramirez and Paulie you're looking at 150 HR potential. Yeah, we're going to be "station-to-station" again, but we never really were built for speed. Deal with it, Ozzie.

Oh, and that pitching rotation?

1: Peavy
2: Jackson
3: Floyd
4: Danks
5: Buerhle

Holy fuckballs. That could be the best rotation in baseball. Yeah, Peavy may not be back proper this season (in which case we say hello to Lucas Harrel again - you could do worse). Yeah, our bullpen needs a few less question marks (Thornton, Sale, Santos...Pena...Nunez...Dolsi?). So what? This team has serious potential. Stay healthy, stay strong, and see you in October.

Oh, and the Cubs signed Tony Pena or something. Fuck that guy.