Why Haven't We Acquired Jack Parkman Yet?!

He looks so good in that uniform...

I don't know how many of you out there know your White Sox history as well as I do, but with this season finishing it's slow crawl into the shitter, it's time to get us a real legend. A man who gets into other players' heads, plays with a fire in his belly, and also can crush a breaking pitch will leading us to the ALCS.

I'm talking, of course, about Jack Parkman.

For those of you that don't recall, Jack Parkman is the superhuman ex-Indians player in the excellent Major League 2 who comes to play for the Sox and carries them to the ALCS with his chain-smoking, pitch destroying mannerisms. Also, his shimmy makes the ladies in Cleveland puke.

Speaking from a pure statistical standpoint, I tracked the performance of Mr. Parkman throughout the entirety of Major League 2.

Parkman starts the movie batting 1.000 in the 6th inning after only 3 hits on the board, and (we are told by Bob Uecker) is 2-2 with runners on the corners. See above. Unsurprisingly, Parkman destroys the pitch for a 3-run homerun.

Parkman: 1.000 AVG, 1R, 1 HR, 3 RBI

Parkman gets traded to the Sox, and vanishes from the movie until the ALCS.

In ALCS game 3, Parkman (somehow on base) steamrolls Indians catcher Becker in a play at the plate, scoring a run. It's unclear how he got on base without a homerun, but use your imagination, people. Parkman gets another homer in the game (against Vaughn), a 3-run shot to end the game. In game 4 of the ALCS, Parkman gets another HR (not off Vaughn) in what appears to be a solo shot.

Parkman: 1.000 AVG (4-4), 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI

Finally, we get to the pivotal scene of the movie, the final showdown between Parkman and Vaughn. Bob Uecker says Parkman is hitting just over .900 against Vaughn, meaning that there was an out at some point in time.

Using basic logic, that would mean that Parkman (who has at least 1 home run against Vaughn as per the playoffs), would need to have at least 10 at-bats against Vaughn in order to compile a percentage higher than .900. For the sake of argument, let's assume that Parkman played all but one series of Sox-Indians while on the Sox. Given that there are generally 5 sets of games played between the two teams over the course of a season, that would imply that Parkman played roughly 12 games against the Indians (4 series).

You're looking at Vaughn pitching a maximum of one time per series. Let's assume that the stars align, and Vaughn pitches to Parkman in every series. That means that there are roughly 12 at-bats of Vaughn against Parkman (minimum of 3 ABs each game, 4 Vaughn starts). For the math to work out nicely here, we assume that Parkman is 11 for 12 against Vaughn over the course of the regular season (for a more-than-respectable .916 AVG against Vaughn).

Parkman: .937 AVG (15-16) 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI

As a result, when Vaughn gets his pivotal K at the end of the movie (Spoiler Alert!), we get a final line on Parkman for the film:

Parkman: .882 AVG (15-17) 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI, 1K

HOW MUCH DOES THIS GUY WANT IN FREE AGENCY AND WHY WON'T KENNY WILLIAMS OPEN HIS WALLET!??!

Preseason Update

1) Jay Cutler looks skinny. Not better, but skinny. Hey, at least there's less of him to hit.

2) I hope Johnny Knox kills Roy Williams in his sleep. Pillow case and some bars of soap... whatever it takes. I haven't hated a Bears player this much since Cedric Benson was out getting drunk on a boat and punching civilians.

3) Our secondary is severely undersized. Tim Jennings is 5'8, DJ Moore, 5'9, Major Wright, 5'11. If we can't get consistent, quick pressure from our D-line, we're going to get torched over the middle, especially by big receivers (Calvin Johnson (twice), Colsten, Finley (twice), Mike Williams, Vincent Jackson, Bowe - all on the schedule).

4) Marion Barber should be putting Chester Taylor out of work any day now. This is a good thing, being that Barber is actually good and Taylor is not. I'd consider Taylor one of the worst signings we've had in a long time (we paid him $7M guaranteed of a $12M, 4-year deal. Gag.).

5) The offensive line looked pretty solid against a strong Giants pass rush. Carimi, Williams and Garza are better suited to pass-blocking and the group is starting to show some cohesion.If they can buy time for routes to develop, the Martz's offense will look a lot better. Everyone forgets that Kurt Warner had a great O-line in 01 with Orlando Pace, Adam Timmerman, Ryan Tucker and Marshall Faulk was one of the best blitz pick-up guys in the league.

Next preseason game is against the Titans on the 27th - I'd keep an eye on Roy Williams... apparently its put up or shut up time.

-KEG

Pics from the intertube

Big Gabe Carimi cutting weight. Smells like bagels and lox

The sex cannon is already in rare form... (By the way, I'd bet you he has better stats this season than Cutler. Not kidding.)

My favorite couple ever.

STEPHANIE!

Thanks to Erasmo Cortez

Man, I love being able to wake up everyday and get ready to the sounds of Stephanie Abrams on The Weather Channel. I’d never had cable or anything before but when we gotDIRECTSTARTV.com satellite I was tuned in all day long and now I can’t stop! I listen to her soothing voice while I’m brushing my teeth and getting dressed and all I can say is WOW, Stephanie, are you single? She’s the prettiest girl on TV right now if you ask me and she’s so smart…that makes her all the more attractive! I really wish I lived in Atlanta so I could try and get to know her but alas, I guess I’m stuck watching her talk about heat waves and weather patterns from the comfort of my own home. I guess that’s not too bad! Anyway, Stephanie, if you’re reading this you should look me up – I promise I’m not a total weirdo! I just have the biggest crush on you and I love what you’re doing over there at The Weather Channel.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEARS!?

Knox, en route

Bears, what the hell are you doing?

I just don't understand you guys sometimes. Getting Roy Williams was a step in the right direction (bring in some "veteran" presence to an otherwise young and inexperienced WR corps), but demoting Knox to 4th wideout on the depth chart?

Let's do a little number crunch, shall we?

In 2010-2011, Knox had 51 catches for 960 yards and 5 TDs. When you remove the 2 Todd Collins starts, you get 49 catches for 920 yards and 5 TDs in 14 games. Last I checked, that's pretty respectable production for a WR in a ragtag group.

Knox will be sitting behind people who put up the following statlines:

Devin Hester: 40 catches for 475 yards and 4 TDs

Roy Williams: 37 catches for 530 yards and 5 TDs

And I'd like to remind all of you that "In His Prime", Hester was the 1A receiver on the 2008 and 2009 teams. Neither one of those years did he come close to Knox's numbers last year.

And now, some Grade-A defense from Carlos Boozer

I don't care if this is from 8 years ago - it's still 100% accurate.

Shaking my head...