Why Haven't We Acquired Jack Parkman Yet?!

He looks so good in that uniform...

I don't know how many of you out there know your White Sox history as well as I do, but with this season finishing it's slow crawl into the shitter, it's time to get us a real legend. A man who gets into other players' heads, plays with a fire in his belly, and also can crush a breaking pitch will leading us to the ALCS.

I'm talking, of course, about Jack Parkman.

For those of you that don't recall, Jack Parkman is the superhuman ex-Indians player in the excellent Major League 2 who comes to play for the Sox and carries them to the ALCS with his chain-smoking, pitch destroying mannerisms. Also, his shimmy makes the ladies in Cleveland puke.

Speaking from a pure statistical standpoint, I tracked the performance of Mr. Parkman throughout the entirety of Major League 2.

Parkman starts the movie batting 1.000 in the 6th inning after only 3 hits on the board, and (we are told by Bob Uecker) is 2-2 with runners on the corners. See above. Unsurprisingly, Parkman destroys the pitch for a 3-run homerun.

Parkman: 1.000 AVG, 1R, 1 HR, 3 RBI

Parkman gets traded to the Sox, and vanishes from the movie until the ALCS.

In ALCS game 3, Parkman (somehow on base) steamrolls Indians catcher Becker in a play at the plate, scoring a run. It's unclear how he got on base without a homerun, but use your imagination, people. Parkman gets another homer in the game (against Vaughn), a 3-run shot to end the game. In game 4 of the ALCS, Parkman gets another HR (not off Vaughn) in what appears to be a solo shot.

Parkman: 1.000 AVG (4-4), 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI

Finally, we get to the pivotal scene of the movie, the final showdown between Parkman and Vaughn. Bob Uecker says Parkman is hitting just over .900 against Vaughn, meaning that there was an out at some point in time.

Using basic logic, that would mean that Parkman (who has at least 1 home run against Vaughn as per the playoffs), would need to have at least 10 at-bats against Vaughn in order to compile a percentage higher than .900. For the sake of argument, let's assume that Parkman played all but one series of Sox-Indians while on the Sox. Given that there are generally 5 sets of games played between the two teams over the course of a season, that would imply that Parkman played roughly 12 games against the Indians (4 series).

You're looking at Vaughn pitching a maximum of one time per series. Let's assume that the stars align, and Vaughn pitches to Parkman in every series. That means that there are roughly 12 at-bats of Vaughn against Parkman (minimum of 3 ABs each game, 4 Vaughn starts). For the math to work out nicely here, we assume that Parkman is 11 for 12 against Vaughn over the course of the regular season (for a more-than-respectable .916 AVG against Vaughn).

Parkman: .937 AVG (15-16) 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI

As a result, when Vaughn gets his pivotal K at the end of the movie (Spoiler Alert!), we get a final line on Parkman for the film:

Parkman: .882 AVG (15-17) 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI, 1K

HOW MUCH DOES THIS GUY WANT IN FREE AGENCY AND WHY WON'T KENNY WILLIAMS OPEN HIS WALLET!??!

Your move, God

I can see daylight! That means I'm gonna score...!

Somewhere along today's news of Dusty Dvoracek and Gaines Adams, I found this little nugget:

"I showed up at the team meeting (Saturday) and nobody told me to get out, so it's good news."

You know who said that?

Craig Fucking Krenzel.

Of all the things that are buzzing through my head, the only one I can think of is this:

This is the third plague.

Essentially, God has decided that he can no longer accept the Bears as a football team, and they must be destroyed. This, I believe, is because we did not release his chosen people. Sid Luckman, a nice Jewish boy, was so close to being relieved of the burden of having 31 INT be the most by a Bears QB. Instead, Jay Cutler was unable to finish the job, and so he remains enslaved.

If you look at the biblical 10 plagues, you've got the plagues of Blood, Frogs, Wild Beasts, Flies, Livestock Death, Boils, Flaming Hail, Locusts, Darkness, and Death of the Firstborn.

If you look at the plagues the Bears have suffered this past week, you have Beast Death (Gaines Adams, RIP), the plague of Blood Alcohol Level (Dvoracek), and now Darkness (Krenzel).

If my calculations are correct, this is far too similar to the ten plagues to be taken lightly. Assuming that the system is the same, these first three plagues were just warnings to the horrible things to come. I suspect the following:

Plague #4: Mike Lice. Bears sign Mike Tice to join the coaching staff. Ugh.

Plague #5: Blisters. Despite being the worst receiver on the team, Hester continues to start over Aromashodu due to a lingering case of blisters/boils that make it difficult for him to play.

Plague #6: Dolphins. In an unusual twist, the Bears give up on Charles Tillman, and trade him to the Dolphins for draft picks. Tillman, in turn, gets a career resurgance and becomes the secondary we've needed all along...albeit for the Dolphins. Bears are incidentally dealt a crushing loss in the preseason where Tillman has two picks.

Plague #7: Flaming in Jail. After one too many times watching his friends line up in the three point stance, Brad Maynard becomes sexually aroused and assaults one of his teammates in training camp. He serves prison time for rape.

Then, you have the final three plagues, where serve as a sign of God's true power.

Plague #8: Diabetes. In an unusual twist, Craig Krenzel also contracts diabetes.

Plague #9: Sulking. Cutler, after several weeks of poor production from both the game planning and his receivers, begins to sulk.

Plague #10: Death of the Chosen One. Defying all odds, Krenzel is started over Cutler, who demands to be traded.


HOLY SHIT.

Sports Need More Breasts

I got into Guinness because they're filled with mice

I'm probably going to get into trouble for this one, but after reading about the would-be-boxer who was banned for having breast implants, I'm starting to think that the universe is missing the point. Breasts make sports BETTER.

Case in point: Jenn Sterger

What's the biggest draw in sports right now? It sure as hell isn't the steroids. I think that Erin Andrews has a bigger fan base than A-Rod right now, and I'm pretty sure that it's not because of her ability to string two sentences together. Lisa Dergan, Jenn Sterger, and even Heidi Watney - all hired because they've got a nice rack. The same applies to Al Roker, John Madden, and every other lardass in the NFL booth. Breasts sell.

The draw doesn't stop on the sidelines, though - what about our attractive athletes? From Sharapova to Doug's unhealthy obsession with Gina Carano, there's more need for this than ever. Why do you think that women's volleyball players and divers, despite being immensely talented, get not noteriety? One word: aerodynamics.

Wait, she FIGHTS!? WHAT!?

Does anyone think that giving any one of those people breast implants will create a problem? In a non-contact sport like basketball or golf, I would be writing hate mail to the commish's office...but boxing is somewhat understandable. These women get punched a lot, and yeah, those things COULD explode and kill her.

...or she could just be "that really hot boxer with implants" who never has to actually succeed in her craft. Someone who just looks good despite having no actual talent...kinda like Anna Kournikova. Where's the harm in that?

It took me 20 minutes, and I still couldn't find a picture of her actually playing tennis.

If demanding more breasts in our sports and programming is too much, then this is a country I don't want a part of. Hell, the TPC watched the whole superbowl just to get to the porno. Up until this year, there was a Lingerie Bowl to watch large breasted women in minimal clothing "play rough." With the exception of the whole "we won't play at a nudist colony" thing (long story), it could have been the beginning of a much more promising XFL.

Until then, we wait.

And in other news

Because that's just the way these gameshows work in Europe!

Rigged

So, I came across this gem the other day. This fine contest, Miss ILLINOIS USA, has finished selecting it's winner. See, you can already tell there's something wrong with this contest by the name: "Miss Illinois USA." That doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but they really wanted to make sure you didn't confuse it with "Miss Illinois Ontario."

Anyways, contest is over, and who wins?



Waiiiiiiiit a second. That can't be right! That's Ashley Bond of the Lovabulls! Man, those Bulls cheerleaders sure are gorgeous...we even dedicated a post to dissecting their beauty. So, now we've got this seemingly bogus contest awarding a beauty award to a LOVABULL!?!? What, we the Blackhawks girls out of town or something?

Bond's award was handed to her by last year's winner, shown below on the left.


Wait a second, she looks kinda familiar...

GAH! COLLUSION! Shannon Lersch (our highest ranked LovaBull, and leader of the MILF division, if that tells you anything) was the 2008 winner!?

This is so bogus.

Obama's First Real Move

(takes slow drag on cigarette)
Hey, glad you could make it.

Yeah, I'm a little exhausted right now. You know how it is, the whole "election" thing. So, apparently I'm the first "black president." That's pretty cool. Look - I didn't call you over so I could talk politics. I've heard enough about politics to last me a whole four years. The reason I called you here today is because I'm part of a much bigger agenda.

Sure, I'm the president of the United States, but do you know why I pushed to be here? Do you think I wanted to inherit this mess of an economy that we have? Not a chance. I did it, because as I always said, We Deserve a Better America. It was true then, and it's true now.

(puts out cigarette, leans back)


I'm not a man to beat around the bush. I'm all-Chicago. I love the city, but it has a problem. A serious problem that no mere senator would ever be able to handle appropriately. In my first act as president...

...I want to make it illegal to be a Cubs fan. Not just illegal, but punishable by death.

What, did you think I became president to just sit around in a fucking office all day? I fought to be here, and I'm not going to let down all my loyal supporters. The REAL supporters, not some fair weather fans. I'm a White Sox fan. It's not just "tough" to be a fan of the minority team. It's miserable! Putting up with that "Go Cubs Go" bullshit every year just to wade my way through sob stories? No, that's an Obamanation - yeah, that's right, I made that up. Look at this fucker who managed to sneak into my celebration shindig last night:


The only time I want to see a Cubs fan in that pose is if I've jammed a cattle prod into his scrotum. Worse still, that douchebag Ronnie Woo-Woo got an Obama jersey. Me, associated with that waste of sperm? I'm tired of this. Last night, I ordered that all Cubs fans on the premises be shot. Shot! And not a single fucking person "bled Cubbie blue" that night. Well, let me tell you, as president, that shit is going to change. As president, I now have access to America's greatest resource. Oil? Please.

Please, step outside. I want to show you something.

Do you see recognize this man? That's right, Superman. Go ahead, laugh. He is the symbol of everything this country stands for - patriotism, truth, justice, and the American way. While he may look like a simple wax puppet at the moment, I assure that he will be much more useful to my cause once I inscribe these Hebrew symbols into his forehead. Every president recieves the talmudic inscription to bring the golem to life. However, due to Bush's illiteracy, the golem has sat unused and forgotten for over eight years. Now, it is MY turn to do what is right!

(inscribes Hebrew; golem groans)

Yes, that's right! LIVE! Listen to me, SuperGolem - I am your new master! Cleanse the world of Cubs fans! Bring me the legs of Ron Santo and the blood of Ronald "Woo-Woo" Wickers!


Man, I fucking love this country.

BREAKING: Griffey to the Sox

I wonder if these gloves come in black...

Sorry to crap on your post, Keggers, but, well, holy shit.

The Sox are getting Ken Griffey Jr.

Currently, it is unknown what the Sox are giving UP for Junior (my guess? Nick Massett and a AA prospect I've never heard of), but I wish we had done this LAST year when it made more sense. Griffey can't play CF any better than Swisher can at this rate, and the corners are locked up with Quentin and Dye.

If there's another trade in the works to free up a spot, I would be surprised. It's unlike Kenny to alter the team much. Likewise, I know how much of a hard-on Kenny has had for Griffey over the years, so I imagine he's not going anywhere.

Stay tuned.

(Oh yeah - and maybe Favre will DH)