Monday, January 14, 2008


Apparently, the Chicago Bulls cheerleaders (known as the Lovabulls) have their own blog.

(At your own discretion:

I've been meaning to write a piece on the Lovabulls for a few weeks now, ever since I went looking for hot Chicago sports chicks for our valued readers (see:

To say I was visually disappointed is an understatement. Not only that, but do they really think that someone wants to read their blog? I mean, fine, if they were ridiculously hot and wrote about some questionable late night escapades, maybe. Do I really want to read about their rigorous dancing schedule and how hard it is for them to be a mommy and go to practice? Do I care about your brutally devastating ankle injury (mild sprain) that put you out of comission for a month? I would go ahead and quote some of this mindless dribble but I'll save you the stabbing migraine (we're nice folks here at the Dong).

Generally, when a man with testicles sees a female in a cheerleading outfit, he becomes aroused. (Our own TPC is an exception, as he ejaculates before arousal.) You can imagine the confusion and potential long-term damage of my neurons as I tried to process the observations below:

MILF Divsion:

So these chicks (old women) are clearly in their late 30's early 40's. Not brutally apalling but nothing to write home about either. The last two really remind me of a lot of my friends moms (if they put on too much makep and a slutty cheerleading outfit). The first chick isn't bad, and would be tolerable if she took care of her man-brows.

Yellow Fever Division:

Seems like a nice girl... but is this the best we could do? There are approximately 32454354398519768743 billion Asians (I know, because they comprised almost every college class I attended (all 3 of em)). I'm sure you could pay a smoking hot Thai hooker $5 a month to shake her ass in a Bulls uni and I'm dissappointed in Jerry Krause and upper management for not thinking outside of the box.

Versitile Division:

This 300 pound bench pressing beast both dances on the Lovabulls and occasionally subs in for Luol Deng when his back acts up. She's got quick feet and is a decent perimiter shooter but unfortunately, can't score in the low post. Rebounds like a motherfucker though.

Absolutely Frightening Division:

YEARRRGH!! Where did they find these creatures! I don't even know what to say. Seriously. If I saw one of these chicks on the street, I wouldn't look twice. Now you pretend that putting them in a cheerleading outfit makes them attractive? As a red-blooded american, I am insulted

Jean Girard: Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?
Ricky Bobby: You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?

This is America. We deserve better.


Gepetto said...

Jesus...they could just recruit random female Cubs fans and upgrade substantially.

Hell, they don't even need to be sober -- just let them stumble around halfcourt.

Keggers said...

I'd watch that.

A cubs bleacher seat is a little cheaper though for the same entertainment.