Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Oxymoron Traded

"Love me, Angel. Love me."

This is semi-old news, but it's worth mentioning. The Cubs dealt Angel Pagan to the Mets on Saturday for two minor leaguers. -- if you were living anywhere outside of Chicago at the time, that's probably all the news you would have gotten. However, here at Luol's Dong, we take pride in our investigative reporting. Let's learn some more about the players involved, shall we?

Angel Pagan
Career stats on Cubs: .255 with nine homers and 39 RBIs in 148 games
Favorite hobby: Spending time on the disabled list.
Attracted to: Blondes, Glasses, Breasts, Pasty Skin (see image above).
Bowling Shirt Style: Open
Bats: Switch hitter
Throws: Poorly
Ex-Friends: Sam Fuld, Felix Pie, Matt Murton

Ryan Meyers
Class A Savannah Stats: 13 saves and a 2.14 ERA. 55 K's, 16 W in 51 2/3 innings.
Favorite Hobby: Throwing things.
Attracted to: Anything that walks upright.
Bowling Shirt Style: N/A
Bats: L
Throws: R
Ambidextrous: Not really
Amphibious: Possibly

Corey Coles
Double-A Binghamton Stats: .296 AVG, 1HR 22RBI in 66 Games.
Favorite Hobby: Hitting things.
Attracted to: Angel Pagan, Ryan Meyers.
Bowling Shirt Style: Edible
Bats: L
Throws: L
Penis shape: L

With all those L's, Coles should fit right in to the Cubs' immediate future.

Actually, to be honest, both of those prospects have a solid chance of panning out: Coles could become a good contact hitter in the majors, and Meyers has some good stuff. Not only that, but Pagan spends more time on the DL than any non-pitcher the Cubs have, and even when healthy, he's not all that good. All in all, as much as I hate to say it, this is the verdict of the trade:

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