Eric Estrada Loves You Too

Jesus Christ. Someone turn him into glue already.

"Bartolo Watch"

Did anyone check Sea World?

Apparently, the largest athlete in baseball has gone missing. Bartolo Colon was supposed to start yesterday but he never showed up and nobody can find him. According to ESPNChicago:

The Knights are the Triple-A affiliate of the Chicago White Sox, and Chicago general manager Ken Williams said Tuesday that Colon was supposed to be in Charlotte preparing for Thursday's start. No one was sure of Colon's whereabouts.

"He never showed up last night," said John Agresti, the Knights' director of media relations. "He's still scheduled to start tonight."

"The 'Bartolo Watch' is going on," Agresti said.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen joked about Colon on Wednesday.

"I worry about Colon because Colon was a big-time Michael Jackson fan," Guillen told reporters. "He might [watch] the TV and cry all day long. Maybe he is in L.A. at his funeral, because I can't find him. When he gets to Charlotte, Oney [Guillen's son] will call me to say he's there.

"Nobody knows how big of a Jackson fan Colon was. I'm serious. He might be depressed a little bit," Guillen added.

I love Ozzie. Seriously, he's fucking awesome.

On a seperate note, how the hell does Ryan Dumpster, the Cubs stud SP, BREAK his toe jumping over the railing in a game?

Look dad, a uniformed retard!

Haven't baseball players been jumping over the railing for 100 years? Has this ever happened to anyone before? Jesus. Can someone please tell me what it feels like to be a Cubs fan? I imagine it's probably like having your pubes set on fire while you're forced to eat sliders from White Castle while wearing a sealed buttplug.

The TPC says it's worse than that, actually. And he would know

-KEG.

Speculative Bullshit

He's not relaxing - his hip is broken.

When you see a headline like this, you know that the first thought on your mind is "What Would the Sox Have to Do to Get Halladay?" I'm not going to pretend that he's a "perfect fit" or anything like that. What I will say is that he's one of the best AL pitchers (statistically, he's only behind Greinke in 2009), and that he's a monstrous workhorse. I want the Sox to get him, and I want it NOW.

With a rotation of Buerhle, Halladay, Danks, Floyd and Contreras, we almost certainly take the division, and have a beastly 1-2-3 punch for the playoffs. Halladay's contract also extends through 2010, and although he has a no-trade clause, it's not like he's just a one-year rental. Throw in the fact that we're going to have a LOT of money freed up next season (Thome and Contreras will not be costing us a combined 20 million), so it's not out of the question to re-sign him if he crosses over.

So what would it take?

Sadly, I can't think of a single scenario that doesn't involve the Sox losing Poreda (as Kenny will refuse to trade Gordon Beckham...and rightfully so). You also have to keep in mind that the only reason to trade Halladay would be to shed contract and get youth to rebuild. With Poreda and Richard as the known starting point for an A-rank pitcher (see: Jake Peavy), we have the following to work with:

#1. Sox trade: Poreda, Anderson, and two solid minor league players (think Jon Link and Dexter Carter) for Halladay. As much as I hate to lose Anderson, this trade probably makes the most sense. The Sox solve their outfielder problem (currently Quentin, Wise, Anderson, Podsednik and Dye), and Ozzie doesn't do any damage to the core of the existing team. The Blue Jays get a cheap centerfielder that they can use to replace Vernon Wells, and some pitching depth for the future. Carter has been in "about to get traded" mode for a little while (he's still stuck on the Intimidators), and this would probably make sense.

#2. Sox trade: Poreda, Richard, and Fields for Halladay and minor league infielder. This seems less likely, mostly because the stocks of both Richard and Fields have dropped tremendously this season. The Jays get immediate pitching impact and a replacement for Rolen at 3B (with 2010 being the last year of his contract and considering his injury history, he also makes a good "sell-high" candidate) with some upside. Frankly, I don't think either team really "wants" to do a deal like this, though - the Sox lose another infielder (of which they have few), and the Blue Jays don't get a long-term position player.

#3. Sox trade: DeWayne Wise and Jimmy Gobble for Bag of Baseballs and Greeting Card. Please. Make this happen. I hate them both so SO much...

Long Live the Dong

The TWO....PUMP.... CHIZZI!!!!!

You can't buy pride...

-KEG

Calling Bullshit on the Michael Jackson Bandwagon Jumpers

Things have been very busy here at F.A.G. headquarters lately -- I'm making arrangments to have my foreskin reattached, I've been gambling on Amish pit fighting, and I'm finally close to beating Sonic The Hedgehog. But being the Dong's resident music critic, I thought i'd take a minute to address this Michael Jackson thing.

As some of you might have noticed, he is quite dead. You might have also noticed a lot of people coming out of the woodwork to say how great he was, how he was an inspiration, how timeless his music is. Everyone is spewing forth these sentiments suddenly, from fellow celebrities and musicians, all the way down to that bitch who works down the hall. Lame white people are driving around blasting "Rock With You" from their Volkswagens. Even our own ace journalist Gepetto tried to cash in by "unearthing" some MJ footage that has only ever been seen by, oh, about 30 million people at Disneyland in the '80s.

Funny thing, though: Two weeks ago, if you were to ask any of these people (except maybe Diana Ross) what they thought of MJ, the answer would undoubtedly be "That fucking guy? He's weird. His face is fucked up and he touches boys' pee-pees."

Make no mistake, Jackson was certainly a musical prodigy. "Billie Jean," "Thriller," and "Beat It" all rule your goddamn ass, as does my personal favorite "Leave Me Alone." Even the stuff he did as a little kid with the Jackson 5 smokes anything that most fully-grown pop singers could come up with today. Plus, he invented the moonwalk. The motherfucking moonwalk!!! So, credit where credit's due and all that.

But let's get real here: nobody among us has given a flying fuck about this guy for 20 years. And if anyone has, it was certainly not because of his music. The only reason to have paid attention to him at all was due to ridiculous plastic surgery, publicity stunts, and barely-denied charges of child molestation. Maybe one of you out there is like, "no man, I really liked HIStory Part 1." And if so, I'd like to congratulate you on being a giant douche. But since about 1991, most people's interest in his life -- and death -- stems from this uncontrollable attraction to his eccentricities and the circus of nutty shit that always surrounded him. Even Slash from GN'R knew to keep his distance.

And then there's all these new-school celebrities who have lined up to suck at the teat of MJ-related publicity. I'm not gonna name names, but a lot of people are kissing ass lately, in interviews, on CNN, and even releasing hastily-recorded covers of Jackson's music. How about we make this a simple math problem:

Babbling about Michael Jackson post-mortem
+ talked shit while he was alive

= Fuck you, you are full of shit.

And lastly: How badass would it be if at his funeral, he suddenly popped out of the coffin and did "Thriller"?

McNair downgraded to "Doubtful"

I'm still confident he'll find a way to get on the field - there is no injury that can hold this guy back.

That marks the 5th celebrity death in the past two weeks. If there are more to come, I'm looking at the following trends:

- Entertainers (5/5 - McMahon, Fawcett, Jackson, Mays, McNair)

- White people (4/5 - McMahon, Jackson, Fawcett, Mays)

- People who would do anything to get balls in their hands (3/5 - Jackson, Mays, McNair)

- Scam artists (2/5 - McMahon, Mays)

On that note, I have the following suggestions on the "next to go" list:

#1. OJ Simpson (broken heart)

#2. The Sham-Wow guy (drug overdose)

#3. Regis Philbin (murder-suicide)

#4. Mickey Rourke (suicide)

#5. Bernie Mac - wait, he's already dead. Who's that guy who's a ripoff of Mac? Uh...Tyler Perry? Yeah, let's go with that (murder).

Gotta Love Buehrle

If there's one thing I love about Mark Buehrle, it's his ability to dominate and still not be a total douche (see: Curt Schilling). Then there's this gem:

In the eighth inning, after Mark Teahen grounded out to second for the first out, Buehrle rolled the ball toward the Royals' dugout...With two hits earlier in the game, Teahen entered this at-bat with 22 hits in 49 at-bats against Buehrle.

"I asked him if he would sign it," said Buehrle as to why he rolled the ball toward the Royals dugout. "I have it right there in my locker. I finally got him out. Last time here, I had (Willie) Bloomquist sign a bat for me because I finally got him out. I have a little collection of guys that own me."

Bloomquist, who finished 1-for-3 against Buehrle Thursday, is 12-for-25 lifetime when facing the White Sox ace. Buehrle wondered aloud how one-time Royals outfielder Brandon Berger hadn't caught on with another team just to face him, with four home runs and seven hits in 21 career at-bats against the southpaw.

BoGo-es to Detroit

"I could see myself in those colors..."

Well that was quick.

Ben Gordon is headed to Detroit for a 5 year, $55 Million deal.

Gorden and Chuck Villanueva are the first movers this offseason, both headed to Detroit for a lot of money (another ~40 Million for Chuckie V).

I had convinced myself over the past few months that the Bulls should do whatever it takes to re-sign BoGo - he's a consummate professional, and I don't know too many other top 10 draft picks who average 20+ and spend their best years as a 6th man without complaining. He's a career 20 point scorer, loves the big shots and plays hard (and hurt). He gets better down the stretch in games and over the course of the season (see: playoffs). Oh, and he is still only 26 years old.

Obviously the Bulls are better off with him on the roster.

All that being said, this is more of a financial move than anything else. The Bulls offered Gordon 50M for 5 years in 2007 and 54M for 6 years in 2008 - both rejected (although Gordon apparently tried to get that last offer back and the Bulls gave him the finger). It's not that we didn't want to keep him, it's more that we'd rather have the cash on hand to make a move in next years class (Amare, Bosh, Wade Nowitzki, Joe Johnson, King James) and put together a true contender. With Gordon, we're a really good team but not a great one.

So next year might be tough (nobody strikes fear into the hearts of defenders like BoGo with seconds left on the clock) and we don't really have a go-to scorer (sorry Derrick). We will definitely miss his offense.

This is a long-term move that creates some short-term pain. If we can use the cash to bring over Amare, then we're better in year 2 that if we had re-signed Gordon. If not, then this is going to be a tough loss for the team.

So, farewell BoGo. Congratulations on the fat contract, you definitely earned it. Thank you for providing one of the most entertaining playoff performances since MJ. You will be missed. See you in the motown showdown.

-KEG

Quickie

A whole lot went on yesterday:

#1. Khabibulin signs with the Oilers
#2. Hawks sign Marian Hossa to a lifetime deal (12 years? Really?)
#3. Ben Gordon skips town...to go to Detroit (and we offered him a comparable deal with more years, too)
#4. Gordon Beckham continues to rake, Sox continue to win
#5. Cubs manage to win a game against the lowly Pirates, still suck.

Since I'm lazy, and in a hurry (we DO have jobs), anyone want to handle coverage in the comments?

This is insanely awesome and really catchy:

Ohlendorf'd

Mein Fukudome!

How do you get wrecked by a guy named Ohlendorf? Just ask the Cubs, who managed to get blanked by some guy named Ross Ohlendorf. To give you an idea of how pathetic this is, I would like to point out the following:

#1. Ohlendorf gave up 6 ER to the Rockies two starts ago
#2. Ohlendorf is on the Pirates
#3. In his last 11 starts, Ohlendorf has given up 12 HR and walked 19 batters (63 IP).
#4. Prior to tonight's start, Ohlendorf had a 4.75 ERA (down from 4.94 the previous week)

When you find yourself playing against this guy you're EXPECTING to hit at least 1 HR and get about 1.5 walks. When he started against the Sox, we got 2 HR off him, 2 BB, and scored four runs off him (3 earned) in 7.2 IP.

The Cubs?

No walks. No homeruns. No runs AT ALL. Four hits in 7 IP and a season high (career high?) 8K's for Ohlendorf. Fucking pathetic. The amazing tandems of Soriano/Fukudome and Fox/Hoffpauir combined for an impressive 0-15 with 9 LOB. Bravo.

In other news, the White Sox dominated the hapless Indians in a rain-delayed beatdown. Rather than try, the Sox put out their shitsquad lineup, starting almost EVERY BENCH PLAYER WE HAVE. When Jayson Nix is in LF, Josh Fields is playing 1B, and Brian Anderson is finally allowed to start in CF, you know that Ozzie isn't even trying. I still think he should have rested Dye for Wise and taken out Pierzynski for Castro to seal the deal.

More importantly, Beckham has now raised his average to .267 after going hitless in his first 15 major league ABs. In the last week, Beckham is 10/17 (.588 avg), and is now happily recruited by my fantasy team (thanks for dropping him prematurely, Kegs). If Kenny Williams isn't trying to "buy" at the trade deadline I'm going to be stunned.