Tuesday, May 31, 2011

New Sport

Let's try this for next year, eh?

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Pity Injury

It seems that Tony Pena is suffering from a mystery ailment. I'm no doctor, but I'm willing to bet that being fucking terrible is the likely culprit of this condition. Known symptoms are: continuing to suck, not having a breaking pitch, inability to consistently hit the strike zone, and making the rest of the White Sox bullpen look good.

The hard luck loser here is Phil Humber, who gets put into the bullpen. That's right boys and girls - the guy who has been our best starter this season has just been sent to fill the void in the bullpen. Granted, we all knew that this "six man rotation" bullshit wasn't going to last, but everyone here knows that Edwin Jackson has been the weak spot in the rotation. Our starters have been amazing for the past month - why fuck it up now?

Damn you Tony Pena.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Life goes on...

A valiant effort after a great season but the Bulls just got their asses kicked out of the playoffs by the foot of the devil himself.

As much as I hate LeBron, he just played one of the most dominant series I've ever seen. Miles between him and Rose at this point (although Rose is only 22 and doesn't have nearly the help that LeBron has on him team). Just for comparison, I'd love to see this Bulls team play last year's Cleveland team. I bet we would have beaten the shit out of them.

Nevertheless, I think Joe Noah sums it up nicely (thanks Barstool):

Hollywood as hell, bro.

A few observations to carry us through the offseason:

1) Loved the hard Boozer foul on LeBron. Should have been doing that all series. Unfortunately, because he's such a cheap, inflammatory asshole, he managed to jump start the Heat's comeback. I'm pretty sure I hate him.

2) Let's not get ahead of ourselves on Rose's "choke" - he's missed 2 FT's in the last 2 games total. He's our only offensive option being guarded by a) the best defensive player in the NBA who has 5 inches and 100 pounds on him and b) 2 other guys at all times.

3) How much do we wish we'd signed Bosh, Amare, Gay or Joe Johnson rather than Boozer? Not looking good with 4 years left on his deal.

4) Kudos to Luol Deng for having a great all around series. He did a nice job on LeBron and kept us in every game. Always under-appreciated but all-around the most consistent player on the Bulls.

5) We're probably going to see the Heat in the ECF for the next 5 years (barring significant injury) so we better figure out a way to beat them. Tweaking the roster isn't gonna do it.

If it's any consolation, if not for this once in a lifetime all-star Heat team, the Bulls would probably have won the NBA title this year. We would have matched up really well with the Mavs. Could have been the beginning of a Rose-dynasty for the next decade. Depressing.

This is a going to be a long offseason, especially if there is no NFL season. Oh, and 2012 NBA might be cancelled too. Is there not enough money out there for these greedy bastards? Ray Lewis and I are going to have to crack some skulls...



Flat out bullshit.

This is considered good basketball? This is considered a "heads up play"?

Fuck this, get me some motherfucking football. I would rather watch holocaust porn than watch that shit get applauded in a basketball game.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck

Monday, May 23, 2011

Why I Hate Basketball


That, right there, is why I hate basketball.

In what other sport are you not only able to be a gigantic pussy but are ENCOURAGED to do so in order to win? I mean, look at LeBron there - he is 100% flopping. The only way that could be a bigger flop is if he were advertising Gigli and the Rapture at the same time. Flat-out bullshit.

You try that in any other sport, and you become a pariah immediately. In football? You want to claim that the bad man hit you? Shut your fucking face or you will be annihilated. Ditto for hockey - you stop play in hockey because you're missing too many of your teeth for you to close your mouth without gagging on the blood. Anything else and you play through it. Hell, people frequently come close to death in hockey and play doesn't stop until the guy is near death.

The only other sport you can even come close with is baseball (let's face it, this is America, and therefore soccer is only good for watching the hot ass that the players import). In baseball, the only injury you can fake is pretending to be hit by the ball when you weren't. MLB is a non-contact game played by some incredibly out of shape people. Case in point, Mo Vaughn.

Take the picture already! All this standing is wearing me out...

Basically, baseball players are also floppers in their own way. They claim to lose balls in the ivy when they're too lazy to make a play, they need 40 minutes between swings to adjust their batting gloves, and they often take themselves out of games due to poor conditioning. Even with all of that, these guys are basically having bullets fired at them. Bullets that can kill people, ruin careers, and break bones. Frankly, if you get hit by a fastball, you deserve a base.

Basically, fuck you basketball and your goddamned flopping.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Game 3: The Kingmaker

This is where we fight!

Game 3: tonight at 8:30ET.

Important things to note (ie: the only things that matter):
  • In a 7 game series, the team that wins game 3 wins the series 76% of the time.
  • In the first 2 games, whichever team had the rebounding advantage won the game.
  • The Bulls are the best rebounding team in the NBA (by differential). Miami is 3rd but almost 1/2 as effective as Chicago.
Let's not make this any more complicated than it needs to be: Barkley said it, Kerr said it and even Simmons (despite his man crush on LeBron) agreed: the Bulls are a better team than the Heat, top to bottom. We have more weapons, a deeper bench and more consistent defense.

The old mantra will always hold true: the better defensive and rebounding team will typically win. Game 2 was honestly a fluke - we shot 34% from the field, barely over 60% from the line and missed 17 layups (including Rose going 0-7 from inside 10 feet) and yet it was still a close/winnable game.

In a series with some very interesting subplots (good read from Wojciechowski here), this should be a relatively straight-forward series. The Bulls are the better team, the Bulls should win the series. I thought it would be Bulls in 5, now I guess it should be Bulls in 6.

Fuck the Heat.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

America's Bulls

Hop on, plenty of room.

After a long hiatus from the Dong (and nervously obsessing over the Bulls the past month), I was inspired to get back to work thanks to an awesome text message and a great line from a friend at work.

First, the text message, from my friend Raanan who I haven't spoken to in over a year. He's from Cleveland.

From Raanan: 10:18am
"Please do not let that asshole make the Finals"

That was pretty awesome.

Then at work this morning, my buddy Scooter rolls in to recap the game and he says:

"This is no longer the Chicago Bulls, it's the America Bulls. Nobody in their right mind wants that egomaniac to win a title. This is the best and last chance to stop him, maybe for a long time."

Then I read Bill Simmons' article about Phil Jackson and reminisced about the Jordan days. How Jackson was able to control Jordan's intensity and obsession with winning and keep it from consuming his teammates (otherwise, he would have absolutely destroyed guys like Will Purdue, BJ Armstrong, Toni Kukoc etc, who could never live up to his expectations). Jordan was like a nuclear reaction- you could harness the energy to do incredible things, but it was dangerous.

Which leads us to tonights ECF game 1.

The Bulls have the best defense left in the playoffs, the league MVP and enough weapons to beat anyone. We've seen star-studded teams flail in the playoffs a million times. We all know it takes a full team and a cohesive strategy to win titles. We should have nothing to worry about in this series, except for the fact that LeBron James, possibly the greatest player since MJ, is on the other team. After plowing through the Celtics, he seems unstoppable (not to mention Wade/Bosh are probably the best 2/3 options in the NBA).


LeBron isn't Jordan.

LeBron has never shown that level of intensity on or off the court and hasn't been able to flip the "kill mode" switch needed to win championships. Maybe it's because he's too friendly, or maybe it's because he cares more about having a good time than winning. I don't think LeBron can carry them when it's needed (maybe Wade can) but a champion needs a true leader. At this point, I'm not convinced LeBron can be that guy.

Bulls in 6.