Thursday, December 31, 2009

Bring on the Hope

Even the amazing fit of Wrangler jeans can't make this a comfortable situation

There's a few things that we can expect in Chicago sports, and one of them is the infamous "wait until next year." Few teams can perform as bad as ours do and still inspire fans that next year is not only the year we post a winning season, but that we manage to go deep into the playoffs as well. The idea of this is so ludicrous it would be the equivalent of Pirates fans expecting to win it all next year, or Detroit Lions fans getting playoff tickets. Preposterous.

After Monday night's nailbiter over the Minnesota Vikings, two things were made apparent. First of all, Devin Aromashodu (Devin #1) is going to be the WR that Cutler trusts. Unlike Devin #2 (Hester), Devin #1 has the ability to be physical, can run his routes, and still has the blazing speed that we like. All things considered, Hester isn't even the fastest guy on this team (Knox, then Aromashodu).

Second of all, we learned that Chris Williams just may be able to play his position. Any time you can keep the Williamseseseses and Jared Allen in check, you must be doing something right. Only one sack allowed - definitely a step up. Subsequently, despite some terrible decisions, Jay Cutler looked awesome, coming through in the clutch with some nice passes to move the chains and score when we needed to.

Before all of you get excited, I would like to point out that this was ONE GAME. That's it. All these pieces have been there for a while now - it's not like they just magically "clicked." We still need some work to make the Bears a better team. If we go into next season without making any changes, we're in the exact same spot we were in this year (maybe not Cutler leading the league in picks, but you get the idea).

Here are some things that WOULD help, though:

#1. An offensive line

#2. A secondary

Certainly not the most "high profile" of positions, and certainly not me calling for Lovie's head on a platter. Still, everything clicks together when these two get upgraded. A better O-Line gives Cutler more time, leading to less poor decisions and more production. A better O-Line also paves the way for Forte/Bell to give us a running game.

As for our secondary, which consists of Tillman waiting for you to catch the ball and then trying to pry it out of your hands, we're up shit's creek. I'm not saying we get Revis or Ashamouga, but additional help will let our Linebackers actually blitz (instead of faking) and will prevent speedy wideouts from torching us every year. This means more stalled drives for not-Bears, and more time with the ball for us, which allows us to run and pass as we please.

If we get some of those elements in the offseason, I'll jump on the insan-o bandwagon. Until then, you'll have to wait for next August for me to do it.

Sunday, December 20, 2009


"It's been a pleasure fucking you."

I feel like a kid who woke up on Christmas morning to find out that all of his siblings were killed in a horrible fire the night before and that all of the presents were now his. PLUS no going to Church.

Best. Day. Ever.

Not only do the Cubs get rid of Bradley, but they pick up Silva, who is complete and utter shit. Bradley is not going to be just "good" this year - he's going to have another Revenge Year. For those of you that aren't familiar with this concept, let's look at Bradley over the years:

2003 (CLE): .321 average, .923 OPS. Is rewarded by being sent to the Dodgers, which pisses him off.

2004 (LAD):.267 avg, .768 OPS. Is sullen and cranky (sound familiar)? Doesn't get moved.

2005 (LAD): .290 avg, .835 OPS. In a Revenge Year, he pushes himself to the limit (and misses some games in the process). Is "rewarded" by going to Oakland.

2006 (OAK): .276 avg .818 OPS. Bradley is now pissed about being in Oakland. He misses a significant amount of time with injuries as well.

2007 (OAK/SDP): .306 avg, .946 OPS. Time for another Revenge Year! Bradley takes the frustrations of the previous season and turns them into death for all opponents. Goes to Texas because he wanted to.

2008 (TEX) .321 avg, .999 OPS. And there's a happy Bradley. He has an amazing year, and wants to stay on. Instead, he is "rewarded" by not getting the contract he wants and winds up signing with the Cubs, which pisses him off. You can see where this is going...

2009 (CHC) .257 avg .775 OPS. Oof. That's underperforming and Bradley knows it. That should likely set up for a Revenge Year...

2010 (SEA) PROJECTED: .308 avg, .876 OPS. Time for a Revenge Year!

Long story short, Milton Bradley is a serious headcase, but he's a headcase who understands when he's been crappy and does what he can to fix it the following season. By trading him, the Cubs ensure that they don't enjoy his resurgence in 2010. Better still, they get Carlos Silva, who is the equivalent of a pitching machine.

Silva's claim to fame is that he doesnt walk too many batters. Neither does a pitching machine. The WHIP says it all, with Silva hitting 1.598 in 2008, and 1.714 in 2009. That wouldn't be terrible, except that he doesn't strike guys out. In his last two seasons COMBINED he had only 79 Ks. To put that in perspective, Rich Harden had 171 in a shortened year LAST SEASON.

I can't wait to open the rest of my gifts!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Kenny is Beyond Me

Look at this awesome crate of baseballs I got for Javier Vasquez!

Some people have a reputation for being good dealers, and other do not. Omay Minaya? Not particularly good at dealing. That guy under the bridge who walks up to the driver's side window? Not a good dealer (try the guy at the Jackson stop who pretends to be blind). For Kenny Williams, though, he has somehow earned a reputation as a guy who can make things happen.

Best of all, Kenny has said that he's "done" for this offseason, and people are just saying "Oh, that Kenny, he's got a move up his sleeve. No, boys and girls, he really IS done. Right now, all I see is 5 outfielders competing for three spots. No matter how this plays out, we're still not really in better shape.

Let's take a look:

1B: Konerko
DH: Andruw Jones
2B: Beckham
SS: Ramirez
3B: Teahen
RF: Quentin
CF: Rios
LF: Juan Pierre
B: Kotsay
B: Vizquel

Really? Our outfield of Quentin, Pods, and Dye has changed considerably - Pods has been replaced with Black Pods (don't believe me? Look at the numbers. They might as well have the same name), Quentin is replaced by Quentin, and so the real difference is Rios over Dye. When he's on the ball, sure, Rios is the better play. Another slump year, though, and this one stings.

The real kicker, though, is Jones as DH. I hear Carl Everett is available.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Birthday Sharks

I actually missed our second birthday - can you believe it? The little Dong is all grown up at TWO YEARS OLD, which, in blog years, is somewhere around 70 years old. Strangely, blog years are the only measure of time that works backwards (Under 1 Year = 20 years old, Year 1 = 40 years old, Year 2 = 70, Year 3 = 120 years old, Year 4 = 80 years old, Year 5 = 50 years old, and so on until you get back to 20).

And this is us jumping the shark.

When we started this little outlet for racism, hatred of Ron Turner, and general homophobia, we were like a drunk version of Apollo - bringing fire to the world by lighting it ablaze. We took out our hatred for Chicago sports in multiple daily doses. We made friends within the blogosphere. We were featured regularly on pseudo-respectable outlets like Deadspin, With Leather, and so on.

Now look at us - the White Sox signed a guy named Putz and there hasn't even been a post about it yet. Old me has at least 3 posts on this, one of which is just a series of MS Paint doodles on old White Sox slogans ("Grinder Rule #34: It never hurts to have a Putz on the team"). It's no secret that we've been lax in posting, and that when we DO post, it's usually out of guilt and less about enthusiasm.

Somewhere around this time last year, we started to drop off. It wasn't anything personal, really. We still all love the Dong and what it represents - it's just a pretty big time commitment to keep up with those big names like Chicago Bull and My Brain Says Rage...wait, what? Those blogs are dead? Oh fuck yes - we outlasted you guys! FUCK AND YES. QUITTERS!

Long story short, we're not dead. We're not even on life support. But we do recognize that we've been more of a flaccid flesh pile than the throbbing hard entertainment you deserve (does that make me gay for pointing it out like that? Probably. Oops).

I mean, I missed the Dong birthday! Two years ago, I would have sold my third nut just to GET to the Dong's birthday that I was so pumped for it! It's not like I waited until July to realize my folly, but missing it by more than a day is punishable by death, let alone the two weeks it took me to realize the problem.

We're not going to post multiple times a day. Hell, we're not even going to post every day. But I will tell you this - you will not be getting the same garbage that you get everywhere else. We will not say "oh look at the cute youtube video" and call it a post. You will get the venom that we spew when we think about Chicago Sports. You will get discertations about the Bears offense, the Bulls, and of course, the White Sox. Hell, if there's even a reason to cover that Chicago National League team, we'll talk about that too.

For those of you that have stuck through the rough times, we salute you. Oh, and as a reward to those of you that HAVE stuck around, you probably know we like to do a little something for our birthday...(hint hint)

Monday, December 7, 2009

What to do with the Bears?

Looming questions:

1) Is it time to fire Lovie?
This is a tough one... I'd argue that up until this season, the Bears have gotten better every single year he's been the coach including a Super Bowl run. He's been good at finding talent and has led an aggressive defense despite consistently lost talent (Mike Brown, Urlacher, Vasher) and pathetic offensive weapons (Orton, Grossman, no WR's etc). This season is a HUGE step backwards for the organization... I think we own Lovie one more year (more than we can say about Ron Turner).

2) How will we address needs this offseason?
With no high draft picks and key holes in our lineup at LB, DB, WR and OL, I'm not sure how this is going to work out. Perhaps we can swap a guy like Briggs for multiple picks and some depth but I'm not sure that's a good move. Hey, maybe we can send Cutler to the Skins for Campbell and 45 top draft picks...

3) Why do we suck so much?
3 reasons:
1) Our offensive line is built for bruising and rushing. It takes a lot more energy to pass protect then to run block and out line is old/bad. We changed our profile overnight with the Cutler deal and it's going to take some time to build around him. In the meantime, we cant pass protect and our running game is non-existent.
2) Cutler is essentially a rookie again and playing like it. With far weaker weapons than he had in Denver (and a worse O-coordinator), it will take time to fix. This wont be an ongoing issue, just this season (hopefully).
3) Our pass defense is bad. We need Gaines Adams to start to play a bigger role. We need Tommie Harris to play like the monster we drafted and we need another DB that can create plays (Afalava has been playing well and Jamar Williams played well subbing for Briggs yesterday but we're still short on talent).

We've got 1-2 more seasons to make a run with the current roster talent. Let's hope we can finish the season strong (no reason to tank without picks) and build for next season. 9-7 isn't out of the question...

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Speaking of things that make no sense...

Monday, November 30, 2009

Someone Check His Wrists


After another Sunday loss, the Bears are now at a less than luxurious 4-7. We're obviously not going to the playoffs, but at least we can treat this as past seasons and root for the Bears to lose because we want a higher draft pick, right?


That pick belongs to the Broncos.

There's only one thing worse than a losing season, and that's a losing season where you don't even get the benefit of the higher draft pick from sucking because you traded it to the Broncos. This means that the entire rest of the season is like watching the Bears in limbo/purgatory. There is NOTHING for us to gain at this point.

All we can do is hope to make the Broncos' 1st round pick worse by stringing together a couple of wins, and we can't even do that either. I mean, the Bears have won one of their last seven games - Cutler was supposed to be the guy that takes us to the playoffs, gives us that extra boost, and then we can say "who gives a shit about that 1st round pick?" Instead, we can watch the Broncos draft the next Cade Enis, except when it ISN'T the Bears that draft someone, 1st rounders are sometimes successful.


1. Fire Ron Turner
2. Trade Hester
3. Spend all remaining draft picks on offensive line or defense
4. Kill self

Monday, November 23, 2009


"Shhhh...just ignore them, Jay. No one can deny our love..."

Side Note: I actually wanted to find a screenshot of the end of the game where Hester missed the last pass of the game and his pants got pulled down. Searching for "Devin Hester, Ass" produced nothing out of the ordinary. I tried "Devin Hester, buttcheeks" at which point Google noticed my searching trends and suggested "Devin Hester, Keggers, Anal Sex." After that, it's just not worth it to search.

What to do, what to do?

In a game that started out with the usual "Oh yeah, I forgot we were terrible" vibe, the Bears actually came back to make it pseudo-interesting...briefly. After Cutler's touchdown pass to Davis, the universe seemed to say "Whoa whoa whoa - wait a minute. This is the Bears!" and then the rest of it went to shit. Couldn't stop the Eagles on the most important drive of the game, and couldn't get the ball downfield to come back from it either. I'm sure the Broncos will be loving their high 1st round pick next year. Fuckers.

As much as it feels so natural to try and blame this game on Jay Cutler (which I'm sure 90% of the Chicago media will do ANYWAYS), it's really not his fault. He was pedestrian, sure, but it's not like he cost us the game. There were some passes I would like to see a little closer to OUR players, but nothing horrible.

The real story that keeps getting lost this season is Matt Forte. Surely someone you know has been lamenting over Matt Forte. Running the ball is hard when your offensive line represents a bunch of Weeble-Wobbles, but you've gotta get something going. Hell, even past-his-prime Edgerrin James managed 60+ with the pre-good Cardinals' O-Line. There's something to be said here about a lack of execution.

Friday, November 13, 2009


Yes Jay, that's where your brain supposedly resides.

I was all set to completely exonerate Jay Cutler in my post today.

Somewhere in the third quarter, I thought: "shit, he's not getting any help and some fluky plays are making his stats looks a lot worse than they are." Hester fell down on a deep route that got picked off, Desmond Clark clearly got bumped on what should have been a PI penalty for another INT and Hester ran into the ref on an underneath crossing route that got picked off... That makes 3 fluky INT's, not really Cutler's fault and totally drive-killing.

So in the 4th quarter, I was pretty sure redemption would be spelled J-A-Y, driving quickly and efficiently downfield and in scoring position with enough time for 3-4 throws to the end zone.



I don't give a shit how many good excuses there were for throwing 5 INT's. Most people will forgive one bad red zone INT (like his first one early in the game) but a GAME ENDING LAST MINUTE PICK, DOWN BY 4 TO END THE GAME AND CAP OFF A 5 INT DAY? Winners don't do that. That shit isn't supposed to happen to franchise QB's. This is very troublesome.

Hence, I will not exonerate Jay Cutler. I am legitimately concerned about his ability to lead our team and win football games. No doubt he has the talent to be a top QB but the intangibles are missing. His constant sulking and general lack of emotion (or any sense of gravitas) make me want to punch him in the fucking face.

Get pissed once in a while. Show some fire. Get pumped up. Even Peyton gets amped up once in a while. We should all pray that he doesn't end up like Jeff George, the most talented shitty QB of all time... just writing that sentence makes me want to kill myself.

Go Bears?


Friday, November 6, 2009

Mark Teabag

Sigh...Kenny, what are you doing?

Our two biggest liabilities for this upcoming season are our infield and our lack of real presence. Trading Getz and Fields dumps all of our infield depth (meaning Nix starts at second base, have no other players) and gets us Mark Teahen.

No knock against Teahen, but he's Rob Mackowiak part deux. Kenny loves these all-purpose utility guys, but when you need to fill a RF spot and a 1B/DH spot, you might want to get someone that actually excells at his position.

All the papers seem to believe that he is our RF of the future, and I REALLY hope they're wrong. Getting Teahen to play 3B or 2B would be much more valuable as we could then pick up a powerhouse in RF (/wishes Abreu hadn't just resigned) or a disgruntled psychopathic switch hitter to play DH (yes, I want Bradley. Sue me).

Worst case scenario, we start Teahen in RF, Flowers at DH (not bad), and Nix at 2B (bad). We need another acquisition or some rookie depth. Or maybe Kenny thinks Viciedo will make the squad this year. Who knows.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Monday, October 26, 2009

Just Fucking Kill Me

Strong-armed mopey bitch

Revenge, served cold by CedB

Well, shit.

It turns out our offensive line can't pass block. This wasn't obvious in the past few seasons when we ran the ball 30x/game and threw nothing but short passes and screens. In trying to protect Cutler for more than 2-3 seconds this season, it's become painfully obvious.

Hence, we need to establish the run early. Even at less than 4 yards/carry, it's important to get Forte warmed up and keep the line fresh. It takes a lot more energy to pass protect than to run block and our line is old as shit (and mostly crippled). This also sets up a plausible play-action pass (which thus far, has been as unrealistic as TPC lasting more than than 2 pumps).

I hate pointing fingers as football is really a team game and everyone is responsible but a lot of shit stems from our bad O-line. Forte looks like crap and isn't getting opportunities, Cutler is getting beat up and facing lots of double coverage and our defense spends a lot of time on the field. And without Urlacher/Harris, that's not a good situation.

Some quick notes:
1) Hester will make a great second WR for the Bears once we get a big physical target for Cutler.
2) What happened to Nathan Vasher? Remember when he was good?
3) Carson Palmer is a really good QB when healthy.
4) Cedric Benson looks like the real deal. I want to be happy for the guy, but when you try to rub it in going for 200 yards in the 4th quarter, you're dead to me.
5) I'm happy we have Gaines Adams but we have no high picks next year in a REALLY deep draft.

A question: Are we rooting for Favre in GB next weekend? I think my head is going to explode.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Well That Was Depressing


I don't think that Cutler is really to blame for last night's shitshow, but he's certainly the "face of the franchise" enough where we can (try to) blame it on him. Let's see where the blame really falls, shall we?

Bears Defense:
(2/5 retards)

While they didn't look particularly punishing, and they didn't really manage to put any sort of pressure on Matt Ryan, it wasn't a terrible effort. Sure, there were a bunch of blown plays where the defense seemed to be confused about what position they play (hint: it's defense) before the snap, and there were definitely some blown coverages. That said, they still managed a slightly-better-than-terrible game with their third reserve linebacker in the fray - they managed to break Norwood before he broke them, and Michael Turner was limited for the most part.

Bears Offense:
(3/5 retards)

Now we're getting somewhere. Cutler made a few retarded throws (my personal favorite being the rifle shot 10 yards downfield of Greg Olsen...right into a Falcon), and Matt Forte is becoming my least favorite player on the squad. You can't fumble EVERY SINGLE DOWN and expect to win the game. That said, even though the ground game was shit, Cutler had a sick run in the 4th to set up an Olsen TD, and receivers sacrificed themselves (see: Earl Bennett's catch that set the Bears up for 4th and 1) in order to keep the game close. Even with their fuckups, we still scored twice.

Special Teams:
(4/5 retards)

That "too many men on the field" penalty is worth two retard points all by itself. When you've just stopped their offense, the last thing you want to do is say "Hey! How about you guys give it another go?" Throw in some lax return defense (I don't even want to think about the returns in the 4th quarter from the past two years), and you've got yourself a scapegoat in the making.

Offensive Line:
(5/5 retards or 1 Ron Turner)

And THERE's your cause of failure. When the Falcons can bring a three man rush against FIVE of our fatasses and STILL put Cutler on his ass, you have a problem. When the Offensive Line commits penalty after penalty to push you out of the red zone, that is a problem. When Orlando Pace draws a brutal penalty on a must-get 4th and 1, you've got yourself a full retard. You never go full retard.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Best Post Of All Time

This was posted in my fantasy league this morning (from the guy I'm beating this week):

well as you may have noticed, my team is in a todd heap of trouble. early in the season i dealt with some hakeem nicks and bruises, and definitely made a bunch of bad tashard choices. without a doubt, my team was jason snelling up the joint. i mean, sometimes its tough to justine gage the wax and reggie wayne of the league, who will be good and who will get injured. it takes a lot of justin forsett to know in advance which players are gonna take a dennis northcutt and who will fall into the beanie wells. but after this weeks loss, im just jeremy shockey-ed and mike furey-ious. im liable to marshawn lynch all the non-lyndale and roddie whites out on this lonely heyward bey ive brought myself to.

i cant help but think about the better fantasy times, when i was sitting in the tim hightower of my matt cassell. i was eddie and robert royal-ty! anquan em-boldin-ed by my success, id go to bars where id jeremy macklin on chicks with huuuuge stevie breastons, and if they were lucky, take them delhomme. i had the world in the carson palmer of my hand.

so here i am samkon gado, beseaching, nay, stephen-howlings, to you from this lonely heyward bay (or is it a brian westbrook? i never remember). samkon gado, clear my steve slaton. cut me some joe flacco. champ bailey me out of this. i know i dont have the greatest team ever, but im chansi stuckey with them and just have to make do. look, i know you dont necessarily terrell owens it to me - heck, every since ive been a vince young lad in my josh cribbs ive practically worshipped the leonard pope.

all i know though is if my team doesnt wake up and smell the glen coffee soon, i may joseph addai a very slow, painful fantasy addeath.

ps. please kill braylon edwards and jets D tonight

Neckbeard's Revenge

Those socks are really gay.

I'm happy for Kyle Orton.

He's a likable dude. Forced to sit behind the erratic Sex Cannon after going 10-5 as a rookie and getting traded out of Chicago despite being a steady and consistent, low-risk quarterback, all he ever did was... everything that was ever asked of him.

He even embraced his awesome Neckbeard moniker and definitely set the record for most ridiculous off-field picture gallery..

He never complained, even after he outplayed Grossman for several games and still had to ride pine. Even when he got the "game manager" title, played hurt and got booed. He didn't complain when he got traded to a shitty team up in the mountains with a rookie head coach.

Here's to you Neckbeard. Bravo. Keep up the good work.

Oh and enjoy the rocky mountain brew:

Monday, October 5, 2009

We Got This

OK, let's not blow this out of proportion. We're 3-1, but we've still had some work to do. Let's be honest here - EVERY NFL team wishes that they could play the Lions. They are the scum of the NFL and...oh who am I kidding? THE BEARS ARE THE BEST TEAM EVER AND WE SHOULD ALL KNEEL BEFORE THEM. I'm sure this play is going to get way too much coverage, but just look at it:

Wow! That is sheer badassery. Jay Cutler is singlehandedly making this team worth a damn. He's bringing out the best in his receivers, he's taking hits for the team, and he's throwing LASER BEAMS. Kyle Orton is 4-0, and I definately miss his Neckbearness, but 'tis the future. Sure, he may be a whiny emo diabetic bitch, but who cares?

Jay Cutler, we salute you.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Damn You Fantasy Football

Hurry! San Francisco D is just...too...powerful...!

Fucking San Francisco. I had this thing in the bag. My amazingly overachieving fantasy team, previously the UNDEFEATED overachieving fantasy team, seems to have met a limit to its powers. As the Haitian, my role is not to outperform everyone else in the league - no, my goal is to suck the life out of the team I am playing for that one week, and beat them with a mediocre performance. For the first three weeks, it worked.

This week, I play against The BearHorse Jew, a mighty opponent. Expected to trounce me at all positions, I concentrated my energies to the dangerous areas - Tony Romo, Clinton Portis, Fred Jackson - and slowly began to drain the power from them. As the day wore on, the majority of his players were well below their anticipated output.

And then there was San Francisco D.

As I can only negate individual position players, I was unprepared for the THREE TOUCHDOWNS that San Francisco would have, essentially putting the fantasy win out of reach. Sure, it's possible that Aaron Rodgers and Donald Lee will somehow combine for 45 points, but realistically speaking, I doubt it. Fucking San Fran.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Hey Seattle, Tell Me How My Ass Tastes

Those Junior Mints never stood a chance

What's that? Another touchdown to Devin Hester? Another game where Cutler engineered a comeback through a deadly offensive drive built around plays more than 5 yards apiece? Take THAT, Kyle Orton. I love the Neckbeard as much as the next man, but there's no way that he could have engineered a drive like that.

What, you're wondering where we've been all this time? Look - I know we've been lax. I know that our coverage is like a small drop of Preparation H on the raging hemorrhoids that is Chicago sports. We do what we can, when we can. For longtime readers, you know that things such as work, prison, and gay pride parades can come between us and the Dong. It happens - let's just get on with our lives.

Here's a few things about the game you may not have noticed:

The Bears have three receivers not named Olsen or Forte:
For the first time that I can remember, the Bears have three legitimate receiving threats not playing the TE position. Sure, Olsen and Clark can still catch, but they're not the main show anymore. Between Hester, Bennett, and Knox, the Bears have three fast receivers with enough fundamentals to make opposing teams worry. Cutler's ability to get them the ball makes opposing teams pull off defenders to make sure the Bears don't get open. This should open the running game, but...

Forte is giving me bad memories of Benson:
The Cedric Benson "twinkletoes" when waiting for a hole are back. You know the ones I'm talking about - receive the ball on a handoff, and dance in place for 1-2 seconds on your toes before charging the hole. I don't know if Forte is hurt (I doubt it) or just facing some sort of tentativeness, but he needs to hit the hole harder and faster than he is right now. With Cutler keeping defenses honest, there's no reason he shouldn't be shredding defenses right now.

The Bears defense is only going downhill from here:
Seriously now - I love the Bears as much as the next guy, but this defensive unit is going to give me heart-attacks. They're still the "takeaways" unit that everyone has come to expect, but when Julius Jones is able to decimate you the way he did Sunday (missed tackles and all), there's a serious problem. Throw in Hillenmeyer's injury (we're now on our third linebacker in three weeks?) and things will only get worse.

The Seahawks can't intimidate looking like that:
Seriously? I thought that the Mighty Ducks had done a football spinoff or some shit. Use the Flying V!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Where has the Dong been?

So as some of you may have noticed, the Bears played and won last week. And yet this event has not even been acknowledged by the Dong. Why would our ace sportswriters pass this up, especially after bitching for so long about not having anything to write about? Why the lack of updates? Where the hell is everybody around here?

Here's a hint:

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Viva La Dong

Work is time consuming

Loyal Dong Readers:

This is a formal apology for the dearth of posts over the past few weeks. As we're essentially a 3 man show (2 if you count "man" as packing at least 3 inches), it's tough to provide the Dong Nation with the quantity and quality of content that you all deserve. I've also been out of the country for 3 weeks.

Let's recap a few important topics:

It's not time to panic yet, Cutler was rattled (first game as a Bear in the biggest rivalry in football on the road at Lambeau) but I think he'll settle down and be just fine. Bigger issue is Ron Turner. It's possible that he's not a very good offensive coordinator and we're not calling the right plays (evidenced by not countering the blitz with screens to Forte (0 receptions) or dumps to Olsen (1 reception)). We'll see if the passing game takes advantage of a Polamalu-less Steelers secondary next week.

The defense looked really good. Tommie Harris and Alex Brown were solid, Wale was spectacular and Big Bad Dan Manning picked up where he left off last year (dominant). Losing Urlacher sucks but I like Hillenmeyer and maybe we'll pick up a FA (Brooks?). Either way, I think we're back as a top 5 defense in the league. Trust me, this will be the last time this season that Rodgers throws for less than 200 yards.

Week 2 prediction: Bears 21, Steelers 17

White Sox:
Big meltdown last month (nothing like coming home to see our beloved chisox doing a great Cubs impression) but we're only 6.5 games out and we can make a run with a strong finish. Peavy makes his first start against KC in a few days - very exciting. Regardless, the Thome deal is a harbinger of more moves if we crap out... on the block: Dye, AJP, Konerko.


Collaborating with The Great Rabbino:
My buddy writes it. He's a jew, loves judaism and loves jewish atheletes. A good niche blog for those of you with hook noses, small dingys and a predilection for bagels and smoked salmon.

The Ultimate Fighter:
This show is awesome. Season 10 premiered last night and did not disappoint. Kimbo Slice is a contestant and if you don't know Kimbo...


This show makes stars. Essentially, there are 2 teams of prospective fighters and the winner gets a fat contract from the UFC. Both teams are trained by UFC stars (like Chuck Liddell, Rampage Jackson, Frank Mir, etc). Previous winners include Diego Sanchez, Forrest Griffin, Rashad Evans, and Michael Bisping.

If you like watching people literally beat the shit out of each other AND have to live together and pretend to like each other, you will enjoy this show.

Football Randomness:
  • LaDanian Tomlinson is washed up.
  • Terrell Owens has T(O)-minus 2 weeks until he's calling Trent Edwards names and doing shirtless situps in his driveway.
  • Chris Johnson will be a top 3 fantasy RB this season
  • Mark Sanchez is better than the hype. Dude is legit and Rex Ryan knows what he's doing.
  • If Matt Schaub continues to suck, we might see the Sex Cannon in action over in Houston
  • Oakland's defense is legit
Viva laDong.


Monday, September 14, 2009

That could have gone better

/looks for Earl Bennett

For 25% of last night's game, Jay Cutler looked like the answer. For the other three quarters, he looked like a harder-throwing version of Rex Grossman. After watching the Bears snatch defeat from the jaws of victory last night, I'm sure many of you are already wringing your hands about the Bears' season.


Even though Cutler made some piss-poor decisions (most of which involve completely ignoring Greg Olsen on plays where he was wide open to try and force the ball to Bennett), it's not like he single-handedly cost us the game. In fact, his 3rd quarter performance was what kept us IN the game if anything. Cutler looked sharp going 6/7 in the quarter netting us a TD and FG positioning while eating the clock.

When things worked, they worked remarkably well. The Bears D, for example, got throught a tough Packers line to keep pressure on Rodgers (even after injuries to Urlacher and crew), and managed to snuff out Greg Jennings and Donald Driver for the majority of the for the one play that mattered (yes, I know). Earl Bennett looked like he could really step up as the possession guy on this team, and Hester looked like he really HAS made strides as a receiver. Hell, even Knox contributed big on throws Orton never would have made.

Aside from the mysterious punt-fake-run and Jennings' TD, the real glaring issues were:

Lack of commitment to the run, let alone Forte:
If we don't run the ball, expect to see more nights like last night. Forte was used only when Cutler's arm got tired, or to set up a better FG kick on 3rd down. In the passing game, he was nonexistant. This is a guy who is capable of catching over 50 balls a year - give him the rock.

Bennett is not the only receiver on the team:
As much as my fantasy team approves, there are more receiving options on the field than Bennett. Cutler played "Bizarro Orton" last night, refusing to throw the ball UNDER 10 yards. As a result, Forte and Olsen were largely ignored. If the Pack got wise to Bennett (he was thrown to in quadruple coverage at one point), you have to figure the Steelers will make us pay.

At least he's not Jake Delhomme:
You know what? For a 1st-start against a tough defense, I'm not running from my TV set screaming. Yet.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Notes from Yesterday's Sox Game

Oh hell yes

Even though our season is pretty much over and you're more likely to hear gunshots than fireworks around the ballpark, it's never too late to catch some games. Yesterday, Fisting Andrew Golota and I went to see Sox Prime take on Sox Red - and what a glorious victory it was. I have a few highlights I would like to point out:

Alexei Ramirez Ramirez executed a proper bunt and hit & run with minimal difficulty when called upon - a biog departure from the "free swinging" Ramirez we know and loathe. Let's see if this leads to less mental gaffes.

Mark Kotsay is pulling his weight. Kotsay had two more clutch hits yesterday, one of them driving in two key runs. Kotsay really looks like he's seeing the ball well, and he's most likely earned himself a job for next season whether it be at 1B or in RF.

Alex Rios looks lost. I don't think I've seen him get a single hit - he's four for his last forty six, so it's not really all that surprising. I will say that he needs to ditch his fucked up approach and let the hitting coaches do their jobs. He looks like garbage right now.

Tony Pena pitched...and we won anyways? Seriously, how many of his games have we lost? (Answer - the last 13 games he pitched in were ALL losses. Unreal). I guess there's always a first time for everything, right?

Gordon Beckham didn't play and still got praise heaped on him. Every other inning was Gordon Beckham highlights - I understand the "look at the future" and "we're not going to suck next year" angle, but it's not really a good idea to show that on games where he's not even playing. That's equivalent to us showing Brian Anderson highlights.

Speaking of Brian Anderson...BA was in attendance for the series, as he was part of the Red Sox September callups...and the Sox have won 3/4 games. This is after losing 3/4 in Boston when he was in the minors. I'm telling you - if Anderson is on the field when we are, he's doing whatever he can to help us win. Anderson may be hitting .143 for the Red Sox, but he's hitting 1.000 in your hearts.

Oh, and as for the back of that T-Shirt?

Fuck yeah

I was surprised to find that Brian Anderson White Sox shirts were unavailable in any of the concession stands or merchandise booths. After all, he is largely the reason for the team's success - it's proven. Needless to say, I WILL NOT BE STOPPED. Some people go and have T-Shirts made with their kid's name on them or even their own. Those people think small.

Give the gods their due.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The SI Curse?

(He just saw the Erin Andrews video)

As I have given up on the baseball season I have turned my full attention to the Bears and their quest for the superbowl. Now whenever I talk to keggers before the season we assume the Bears will be amazing but rarely do we get "experts" to agree with us. However, I was perusing the internet and found this tasty bit of info,

It seems that our dear friend Peter King at SI thinks that we will beat the Packers and Vikings on our way to the Superbowl. After I jizzed myself thinking about how awesome that would be I cleaned myself up and realized that fat fuck probably cursed us. Its one thing if Keggs and I discuss the Bears going to the superbowl but its another thing for King to give us a curse.

Dong Minions am I crazy or could we possibly go to the superbowl, let me know what you think?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

And there's the white flag

We surrender! Please, get Jose Contreras out of here!

Well, this was something that I thought should have happened last offseason, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. The Sox traded away both Jim Thome and Jose Contreras last night, dropping the average age of the team by 5 years (10 when we learn that Contreras isn't really 30-something) and clearing a whole lot of cash for...well, we don't know yet. Probably re-signing Danks to a longer deal and then getting a free agent or two to replace the soon-to-be-gap from Jermaine Dye.

In exchange, the Sox sent cash to get these guys out of town and received Justin Fuller and Brandon Hynick. I don't know a lot about these two guys just yet, other than that Hynick (24) looks like he might be up for the 5th starter spot or long relief sooner than later. Don't worry about Fuller, as he looks like Brent Lillibridge part deux.

So what does it mean? There's a couple possibilities:

#1. The Sox want Tyler Flowers to get real experience
Flowers is hardly a defensive catcher, and with AJ being the force that he is right now, it's not likely that he would get the playing time he needs. However, I do see that a DH spot just opened up for a guy with bad fielding skills...

#2. Josh Fields is worth another look
Another possibility is getting Konerko some time at DH and having Fields play 1B more often. I find this less likely simply because Konerko is a great glove at 1B (he may not have the range, but he can pick missiles out of the dirt) and because Fields is allergic to belt-high fastballs.

#3. Scott Podsednik is unloved
If there's one thing I've noticed this season it's that Pods hasn't really gotten a lot of credit for anything since June, and he hasn't really done anything to earn it. With the acquisitions of Kotsay and Rios, KW is saying "I don't think you're an everyday outfielder." That said, expect Pods to be moved to a Timo Perez-like role next season if the basic outfield returns. If the Sox lose Dye or Quentin (or both), then he gets to keep his job in LF.

#4. Quentin?
Lost in all of this is that Quentin's contract (along with Bobby Jenks and a few other choice names) is expiring at the end of the season. As much as I want to think that the money saved on Thome and Contreras will be spent on a large FA acquisition or resigning a lot of these guys, I expect neither. Unless Quentin comes cheap (and with his injury history, he might), don't expect to see a lot of familiar faces next year. The only player who seems to necessitate a new contract is Danks. After that, it's all in KW's wallet.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Carl Feels Our Pain

Couldn't have said it better myself. Go to Smells Like Mascot and relive the illustrated pain that is the 2009 White Sox.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

We Are Lazy Motherfuckers

David Ortiz? Fuuuuuck...

Look - we've been bad. It's true. Frankly, the wide world of Chicago sports has sort of been in a depressing lull since Cutler dominated last week. As much as I enjoy covering the Cubs losing (and to the Nationals, no less), it pains me even more to watch the Sox get swept by their red counterparts.

Hell, even Brian Anderson - who was 1-6 with the Red Sox - was sent down. It's just been a slow repeated punching yourself in the balls.

That said, here are a few things to look forward to in the coming weeks:

Footballfootballfootball: If you didn't just get a hard-on from that bolded text, you're illiterate. It's time for Forte, Cutler, Hester, Bennett, and Olsen to dominate the competition. We're going to really have a passing attack - holy shit.

Cubs go 10+ GB: Nothing will make me happier than knowing that the Cubs will be more than 10 games back in mere days. With Matt Holliday hitting .933 for the Cardinals, there's not much to do other than sit back and laugh. Looks like Mark DeRosa got on a championship NL team after all...

Peavy Time: Since I highly doubt that the Sox will be able to take the division with two and a half starters, Peavy will probably be brought up next week where he can be on a short pitch count and do nothing much of note (prediction: 5.2 IP, 2ER, 3K, 1BB), but it's still a good sign if he pitches without exploding into a fiery ball of flame and DL visits.

Colon Headline(s):
There's going to be at least one more. Probably not "Colon Released", though, because it would be too awesome.

September Callups: Time to see the farm. Both the Sox and Cubs are a little short of major super prospects, but it never hurts to see who can make an impact.

And if all else fails, at least we can rest easy knowing that Jerry Reinsdorf is no longer going to buy the Phoenix Coyotes. What a clusterfuck that would have been.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Arts & Entertainment: Falling Down

Finally, an action movie for the new millenium. Up-and-coming director Joel Schumacher (The Wiz, Lost Boys) brings us Falling Down, a crime thriller like no other. Far from the senselessness of other recent action movies like Transformers 2 and G.I. Joe, Falling Down is a frightening glimpse at the streets of America today.

Rising star Michael Douglas stars as Bill, aka D-FENS, a divorced man who works for the Department of Defense (hence the nickname). At the start of the film, Bill is sitting in gridlocked L.A. traffic on the way to work. Frustrated, he wisely decides to abandon his car and head home, making his way across the shittier parts of Los Angeles on foot. Bill walks into a convenience store to get change, and completely loses his shit when the Korean store manager tells him he must make a purchase to do so. From then on, D-FENS falls deeper into madness, waging a literal war on golfers, gang members, bogus construction work, unfair divorce court rulings, and the high price of a can of Coke.

At some point D-FENS decides he is going to visit his ex-wife and daughter, who have a restraining order against him because he is fucking nuts. All the while, he is being tracked by Detective Prendergast (Robert Duvall), who seems to have a hard time locating a white guy in army fatigues carrying a duffel bag full of guns in gang-infested, predominantly hispanic L.A.

Also, this movie features a brief cameo from that black dude that fights Bruce Willis at the beginning of Die Hard 2. Here, he plays a man protesting outside of a bank, claiming that they would not give him a loan because he is "not financially viable," a subtle nod to the bank scandals and bogus loans that are currently plaguing the U.S. financial system.

Perhaps the best part of this movie is towards the end, when Prendergast discovers that Bill was laid off by the Defense Dept. a month earlier -- no doubt a result of Obama budget cuts and/or the scaling back of the Iraq war. But if Bill was unemployed, where the hell was he going at the start of the film, with his tie and his briefcase? Is he one of those dudes that loses his job, but wakes up every morning and goes someplace else for 8 hours so nobody will know? My friend Rob pulled that shit once when he got fired from PetCo. Unlike Rob, I don't think D-FENS was going to his brother's apartment to shoot pool and drink Beck's all day.

In the end, this film could be getting at any number of things. It could be a prototypical thriller about a sociopathic killer who happens to blend in with the rest of us, until he is pushed too far. Or it could be saying that playing by society's rules (as D-FENS did his whole life) leads to misery and insanity, and the only alternative is to rebel violently against the system. What I learned is this: when Michael Douglas asks you for 50 cents to use a pay phone, give him the fucking 50 cents, or he will whoop your ass with a bat.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Oh, and if you weren't watching

Note: This is NOT movie promo material

Look - I know it's been hard for the last 10 years to find an action star you really identify with. The 90's were so easy - Ahnold, Stallone, and Bruce Willis made life easy for you to find a likeable man who wasn't afraid to kill things for you. Nowadays, you have the occasional Ong-Bak or Jason Statham movie, but there really isn't a likeable killing machine around (oh, and whoever is calling out Vin Diesel can suck it. That guy couldn't kill a mortally wounded puppy).

THANKFULLY, we have the brilliant masterminds of Hollywood to thank for this:

That's right - in a movie about giving old, steroid-addled action stars another hurrah, Bruce Willis joins the already talented and beaver-tranquilizer-using cast of Stallone, Ahnold, Jet Li, Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Robers, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Mickey Rourke, and Steve Austin (wrestler, not $6 million man).

If this movie isn't just 2 hours of shit exploding and grimacing, I want my money back.

MJ is old, still has it.

Nice video of MJ dropping bombs on some semi-pro. Somehow, he manages to elevate despite wearing 75 pounds of jeans. Seriously, he must be squatting 900 pounds to even get off the ground in those pants. via

I bet MJ could still drop 20/game in the NBA. I think he's 46 years old.


Not Done With This Yet

What, did you REALLY think I was going to let this go? Did you think I would take some sort of "normal" route and stop writing about a career minor-leaguer just because he got traded into the black hole that is AAA Pawtuckett?

Go fuck yourself.

Now, it wouldn't really be fair to simply assume that Anderson would continue to perform amazingly well. You have to report on the good news as much as the bad news. And frankly, AAA Pawtuckett is the worst team in the world. Seriously. You know that you have a problem when the team is scouting those with disabilities.

I'm a 4th-baseman!

Just how bad are they? They have a total of FOUR WINS in August, with the majority of losses ranking as crushing defeats. I don't think Pawtuckett has scored more than 5 runs in any game this season. Offensive powerhouses, indeed.

And what of Brian Anderson?

Although he's reached base safely in 7 of his last 10 games, Anderson is batting a paltry .259 with a K/BB spread of 16/2. I attribute this to playing with a broken heart.

While I will continue to cheer for Brian Anderson (and I suggest you do the same unless you're some sort of communist), I must say that this is disheartening news. Brian needs your love, people! WE CAN HELP HIM SUCCEED.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Preseason is meaningless: Part 1

Football, I've missed you.

The preseason is like a cold drink after trekking through the desert for 6 months. With no football for the last half-year, preseason games always seem to carry far more significance then they should. Most stars don't play, the remaining starters only play a few series and the playbook is neutered (or, designed exactly like the Lions playbook).

Yes, our lord and savior J.C did not play well and we lost the game. His 10 passes will be over analyzed by fantasy fanatics everywhere and his INT (should have been INT's) were not pretty.

Honestly, it really doesn't make any difference.

The Lions went 4-0 in the preseason last year and finished 0-16. The Colts were 1-3 in preseason and finished the regular season 12-4.

The important things to look for in preseason are:

1) Which rookies/bubble players stand out?
2) Injuries
3) Chemistry (hard to tell until week 3, really)
4) Glaring issues (If Cutler went 0-30 with 3 INT's every game)

Nevertheless, some observations sure to be magnified and taken out of context:

- Our backup QB situation resembles my toilet after a heavy dinner of tacos and chili. Why didn't we try to get Mike Vick again?
- The D-line looked very good with the pass rush.
- Kevin Jones has some game left in him.
- Our secondary needs someone to step up. Nice pick from Steltz...

All in all, I'm just excited to have the little people with the C's on their helmets running around inside my television again.

Go Bears.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I Can Only Imagine How Cubs Fans Feel

Yeah, it's kinda like that.

Everything starts off well enough - you get a big name player (Bradley) to address what you thought was your one weakness, and you're all excited to have a full season with Rich Harden and newly acquired closer Kevin Gregg. Man, this season will be great!

Or not.

And on the 8th day, the good lord created a deceptive baseball franchise that leads you to believe that all will be sunshine and puppy farts until, say, the season actually starts.

I can only begin to fathom how miserable it must be to be a Cubs fan. I mean, every year seems like it should be better than the last (wait till next year indeed), and it's just enough to make you forget that your team is a bunch of perennial losers. Here we are, at the beginning of August, and the Cubs are already playing themselves out of their division. St. Louis, with the help of (gasp) Mark DeRosa and Matt Holliday (who is hitting 2.173 because he did the extra credit), is slowly building a nice lead as the Cubs begin to flounder (Bradley in the 2-spot!? HA!).

I'm not saying that the Sox are a better team this year (we are) or that the Sox have a better chance of winning their division (which they do), but it's not like the Sox went this offseason and made a bunch of moves to "help us win now." We traded our third SP Vazquez (who has been filthy in the NL...unsurprising), lost Crede, and let Orlando Cabrera walk as well. We only shell out money in the middle of the season for players with huge risks attached to them that may or may not fuck us over entirely in two seasons.

As for the Cubs? Well, after watching Kevin Gregg pitch two seemingly perfect innings that were then punctuated with a game-winning HR...all I can say is that Marmol would have lost the game sooner. I think that's consoling, right?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Oh, and while I've got my pocketbook open...

Ozzie and Kenny doing their "I'm a mime, and he's Ray Charles" routine.

Nice one, Kenny!

Williams was cited Monday outside Safeco Field for illegally crossing a street away from a crosswalk. The GM was on his cell phone after exiting a cab and was on his way into the stadium hours before his team's game against the Mariners when a traffic-control officer nabbed him and wrote a $56 ticket.

Williams had just completed a waiver claim that brought All-Star outfielder Alex Rios -- and $61.6 million of his contract -- to Chicago.

Williams tried to tell the officer people in Chicago cross streets anywhere. He said the officer told him, not in Seattle.

Two Men Mad About Money

Oh, you want a tip now, too!?

Well, that didn't last long. Despite the warm and fuzzy feelings of the 2009 Blackhawks, we have still found a way to get ourselves into the news long after the ice has melted.

...this is probably not the best way.

The pair allegedly punched the cab driver and grabbed money they had handed him after he told them he didn't have twenty cents in coins to give them their change, the report said.

Their fare was $13.80 and they handed the driver $15, according to a report.

The cab driver told police he was punched in the face and head, grabbed by the throat and had his glasses broken during the incident.

While we await a final verdict on Cap'n Kane, we can take a more comical look at J.P. Ricciardi, GM of the Toronto Blue Jays. The Sox put in a waiver claim on Alex Rios, the $11-kajillion outfielder who has underperformed (and still has $60-million left on his contract) in the hopes of maneuvering a larger deal. Instead, Ricciardi said "enjoy!" and let the Sox claim him without any compensation.

This can either go into "Mega Win" or "Oh Dear Lord Why." If Rios somehow resembles the player he used to be (speed, average, and great defense), he's going to be roaming our CF in 2012 in what looks like a discount compared to other players. If he doesn't rebound, we're looking at a $60-mil paperweight.

As a result, the Sox are now on the hook for ALL of Rios' contract, which goes another six years. So what does this move actually mean for us? It means a few things:

#1. Williams expects Rios to rebound. Coming to US Cellular generally helps hitters, so I would expect a little bounceback from those stats...getting up another .30 in the average seems unlikely though. Still - he has great speed, rarely gets hurt, and if he can get on the bases, he can be very VERY useful.

#2. We now have a Thome/Dye backup plan. Should either one of them be, er, "relocated" next season, we have a replacement at either position.

#3. Where the hell is he going to play? Heaven forbid that DeWayne Waste of Sperm Wise gets sent down or even (gasp) released to make room for Rios on the roster. After all, EVERY major league team needs three reserve outfielders. In all seriousness, Podsednik, Quentin and Dye have the three positions sewn up. If Rios plays in this current offense, it wouldn't be more than to spell Dye or Quentin (although who knows - he can play CF). This limits Wise to late inning defensive replacement (if he's still even on the team), and Kotsay to Konerko's replacement.


Thursday, August 6, 2009

2009 Bears/Bulls/Sox Projections

Yes, I hear you Bartolo... no, I cannot summon a cheeseburger

1) Greg Olsen will finish the season as one of the top 3 TE's in the NFL
He was poised for a breakout season anyway and now he gets one of the best QB's in the league to feed him the rock. He's a stud in the red zone and he's athletic enough to stretch the defense. He's going to have a monster year to the tune of 1000+ yards and 8+ TD's.

2) Jarron Gilbert and Earl Bennett will surprise the naysayers
I still don't understand how Gilbert fell to the Bears in the third round. I expect somewhere in the first quarter of the season, we'll see him start to get some time on the field (either because he's too good to keep out of the lineup or someone gets hurt). He's frighteningly talented and learning from some of the smartest defensive players this decade in Briggs and Urlacher.

Bennett is apparently crushing it in training camp. Obviously, the only thing you can predict based on training camp is what color jerseys your team will be wearing but nonetheless, WR's sometimes take a little longer to bloom and he's got a lot of history with Cutler. He was great in college, he has good speed and great hands. He will be a real surprise (kind of like Bernard Berrian was after his first disappointing season) and is a perfect compliment for Hester's speed. I think 75+ receptions is reasonable.

3) Jannero Pargo will prove to be a good investment for the Bulls
Pargo came cheap and can pick up 10-12 of the points/game we lost from BoGo. With Rose, Hinrich and Salmons rotating at the guard, Pargo provides a nice spark off the bench and pulls some of the pressure off Rose/Hinrich to create their own shot. Between him and Deng, we shouldn't notice much of a drop-off in scoring sans Gordon.

4) Gordon Beckham will win AL ROY
Kid is hitting .316 with 6 HR's and 38 RBI in 53 games. Insane. And this is after starting the season with a 2-28 slump. I had been worried about his defense initially but it looks like he's got a good glove to go with the golden bat. He's been tremendous with RISP and has a ton of extra base hits. I don't know what the biggest surprise is: Beckham making the majors look easy, Podsednik's resurgence (a real comeback player of the year possibility) or getting Peavy 30 days after he vetoed the same trade.

5) (Saving the best for last) The Bears will win the NFC North.
Fuck the Packers, that's why. Oh, and without old man Favre, the Vikings haven't magically gotten better at throwing the ball.

So there you go, everything in writing. I'm never wrong. Go ahead, take out a second mortgage and place a 8-1 bet on the Bears and Beckham. You'll thank me later.