Too funny

I couldn't not post this. So awesome.

(via nyc.barstoolsports.com)

A Comedy of Errors

Fear of death can negatively effect decision making...

Five beers and a smashed TV remote later, the Bears pissed away another winnable game, 17-14.

Not really sure where to start here, so I'll rattle off 3 relevant statistics:

• 9TO's in the game
• 4INT's and a fumble lost for Cutler, 2 TO's in the red zone.
• 2 defensive TD's

Clearly not an elegant display of football artistry this afternoon. It was kind of the worst game I've ever seen but also a ridiculously entertaining and close game until the end.

At first, the game had the same stink of our last 3 losses: no line protection, no running game and a lot of sloppy play calling. Cutler running for his life, the receivers pulling up on routes and the defense spending too much time on the field.

Then we started to pull it together at the end of the first half. The running game is starting to pick up steam (opened up by the passing game) and Cutler finally converts a 3rd down to Hester and caps off the last drive with a big TD pass. Up 14-10 headed into halftime, I'm feeling pretty good.

Then:

Since I don't want to rant for 10 more hours, let's just say that Cutler looked like bad Rex and I was ready to strangle Lovie Smith to death with his own challenge flag.

HOW DO YOU NOT CHALLENGE THAT TOUCHDOWN (or, "fumble" according to the refs) ON THE 1 YARD LINE??? ARE YOU INSANE??!?

I mean, how do you challenge the clear non-TD by Bennett and then NOT challenge the clear yes-TD by Cutler? Who is manning the booth upstairs? I WANT NAMES. Absolutely inexcusable.

Troy Aikman was calling the game and kept trying to find excuses for Cutler (Knox stopped short on an INT, Hester didn't come back to the ball on another) but there is no excuse for throwing the last INT. Knox wasn't open. There was no seam. It wasn't 4th and long. Just a bad decision and it ended the game. I'd love to see the numbers on how many games we've ended with a Cutler INT.

I'm also tired of hearing how bad our talent is on the O-line. I mean, we have Olin Kreutz who goes to the Pro Bowl every year and Chris Williams is a first round pick. We've also got Omiyale who would start on most teams. Sure, our RG and RT positions aren't great but that's no excuse for our line to look like the JV Dillon Panthers. I blame Mike Tice and his stupid face. I can't stand looking at him. He's so smug all the time. Shut up Mike Tice, you suck, you were a bad head coach and you haven't gotten anything out of our unit all season. You've almost killed our franchise QB in the past 6 games. Time to get fired.

I'm generally a staunch Lovie supporter but I swear to god I was ready to tear his fucking head off today. No fire, no gameplan, lazy schemes... thankfully our defense is good and talented (I'm starting to love DJ Moore) and kept us in the game anyway. Martz seems like the only guy who gives a shit on offense, most likely because he wants to redeem his legacy as an offensive genius. I like Martz and I think he's doing a good job. We're just not executing.

Which brings me to Cutler.

Ah, Jay Cutler.

So polarizing...

I'll give it one more game before I pass judgement. My judgement will be fair, swift and merciless.

I am a kind god.

-KEG

2-0 Bitches!

Skillz!

Whoo boy, what a game!

If nothing else, this proved that all the good things from last week weren't a one-game fluke: the defense is good, Cutler isn't a disaster and Forte looks like v.2008.

Some new things we learned:

• The Martz/Cutler combo is looking good regardless of the weak O-line.
• Chris Williams is one more injury away from being a huge bust. Might have had that injury today.
• Seems like the Bears don't need to be a go-to receiver: Aromashodu barely saw the field today, Hester came on strong after his 2 catch effort last week and Knox/Olsen have been reliably good.

Some questions remain about the secondary and our running game but this was as big win - and a much more credible win. Yes, the Lions are a lot better this year but it's hard to be impressed with the "win" from last week that we didn't really deserve. Throughly beating the playoff-favorite Cowboys on the road makes a statement.

The most important thing right now is that Cutler looks good. Really good. 5:1 TD/INT ratio, no stupid throws, minimal petulance... I AM EXCITED.

Next week is the Packers.

Ditka doesn't tolerate pussies. Unless of course...

-KEG

That could have gone better

/looks for Earl Bennett

For 25% of last night's game, Jay Cutler looked like the answer. For the other three quarters, he looked like a harder-throwing version of Rex Grossman. After watching the Bears snatch defeat from the jaws of victory last night, I'm sure many of you are already wringing your hands about the Bears' season.

Don't.

Even though Cutler made some piss-poor decisions (most of which involve completely ignoring Greg Olsen on plays where he was wide open to try and force the ball to Bennett), it's not like he single-handedly cost us the game. In fact, his 3rd quarter performance was what kept us IN the game if anything. Cutler looked sharp going 6/7 in the quarter netting us a TD and FG positioning while eating the clock.

When things worked, they worked remarkably well. The Bears D, for example, got throught a tough Packers line to keep pressure on Rodgers (even after injuries to Urlacher and crew), and managed to snuff out Greg Jennings and Donald Driver for the majority of the game...save for the one play that mattered (yes, I know). Earl Bennett looked like he could really step up as the possession guy on this team, and Hester looked like he really HAS made strides as a receiver. Hell, even Knox contributed big on throws Orton never would have made.

Aside from the mysterious punt-fake-run and Jennings' TD, the real glaring issues were:

Lack of commitment to the run, let alone Forte:
If we don't run the ball, expect to see more nights like last night. Forte was used only when Cutler's arm got tired, or to set up a better FG kick on 3rd down. In the passing game, he was nonexistant. This is a guy who is capable of catching over 50 balls a year - give him the rock.

Bennett is not the only receiver on the team:
As much as my fantasy team approves, there are more receiving options on the field than Bennett. Cutler played "Bizarro Orton" last night, refusing to throw the ball UNDER 10 yards. As a result, Forte and Olsen were largely ignored. If the Pack got wise to Bennett (he was thrown to in quadruple coverage at one point), you have to figure the Steelers will make us pay.

At least he's not Jake Delhomme:
You know what? For a 1st-start against a tough defense, I'm not running from my TV set screaming. Yet.

Cutler has some big, alcoholic shoes to fill

Jay Cutler doing his best Kyle Orton impression.

Thanks to StorminNorman over at NQTC for passing along this gem. 

Some notes:

1) Greg Olsen has a pet cat named Cringer and spends his free time defending Eternia.

Throw me the fucking football, Snarf!

2) Jay Cutler shops at rodeo-homo

3) Olsen is the happiest man on the planet right now

4) It's entirely possible neither one of them is drunk

5) I'm not a doctor but I can't imagine that copius amounts of alcohol will have a positive effect on a (gay) diabetic

6) I hope that's not a fat roll I see on JC...

A Glorious Day

I can't have any fucking sugar!

There really isn't a whole lot to say that hasn't already been said...

Some quotes around the sports world:

From Jerry Angelo:

“We had a big day as everybody knows,” Angelo said during a conference call with the media.

“We’re very happy with the outcome. It just all came together, and really it came together unexpectedly.”

“We looked into it. We just felt like in our best interest looking now and in the future, we can’t minimize the importance of the position. We’ve talked about that. I know personally it’s been something that has been my goal for the organization and felt this was the right thing to do.”

“I’m speaking from my perspective—I’m not speaking for Denver—but I feel that what really facilitated this trade was that Kyle was part of it,” Angelo said. “The draft compensation, given what I understand, was very similar with other teams. But they like Kyle Orton, and I think that was part of it. And I can see why they like Kyle. Kyle for us in Soldier Field had a 15-2 record. So I don’t want anybody looking at this that this was a move of desperateness. It certainly wasn’t.”

From KSK:

Headline: NECKBRONCO

That sound you heard was Brandon Marshall putting his hand through another TV.

From Gene Wojciechowski at ESPN:

Chicago is a Bears town, much as Denver is a Broncos town. Cutler is accustomed to that kind of pressure. But now he'll have to deal with not only the expectations, but also the price paid for those expectations. He is either going to be the guy who leads the Bears to greatness or the guy who cost them their future.

Cutler got his wish -- to be an ex-Bronco. Now he has to do what he couldn't do in Denver: take the Bears to the postseason. Anything less, and this deal is a failure for Cutler and Angelo.

From Len Pasquarelli:

Certainly, the trade of Cutler would be among the most notable in the past 20 years.

"I think to call it a once-in-a-lifetime deal is probably [overstatement]," said a personnel man from one of the several franchises that bid for Cutler's services but lost him to the Bears. "But once in a generation? Yeah, probably so. It's tough enough to find a [good] backup quarterback out there. So you can see how rare it is that a guy like Cutler, somebody with his credentials, would be on the market."

But with the combination of age, accomplishment and potential, a quarterback of Cutler's ilk hasn't been available in the past 20 years.

Really, you have to pinch yourself because players like that, and particularly at that position, simply aren't on the market," the NFL personnel man said just hours before the trade was completed. "It just doesn't happen in this league.

...So in terms of impact and significance, if not raw numbers, the Cutler trade almost certainly ranks among the most notable in NFL history.

-------------------------

Very simply, this trade will define both franchises for the next 50 years, both players careers and the legacy of both GM's.

There is no middle ground: Either Cutler is great or he's not. If he's not, then he's a small upgrade over a young (and improving) Orton and cost us a mortgage on our future.

I like the trade, as I wrote a few weeks ago, and I think Denver got a good deal out of this mess (no Cutler headache, a good, young "system" QB, 2 first round draft picks and a third rounder).

On our side, this is a once in a lifetime deal. There were plenty of other teams lined up to pull the trigger with 2 first round picks. Kudos to the Bears for uncharacteristcally finding a way to get the deal done and having the balls to take a big swing. 

I couldn't be happier. Don't have to worry about the QB position for the next decade. Don't even need to think about it! We've got a great young core (Cutler, Olsen, Hester, Forte) and an aging defense that needs a chance to win now. We can make a run this year and next year and STILL have the youth to rebuild with Cutler 5-7 years from now. I also don't want to hear any shit about his attitude - sure he's a total douche but with 4 other Vanderbilt guys to anchor him, a player-friendly coach like Lovie and a team filled with veterans, I think he'll be just fine.

This is the most excited I've been for the Bears since getting Thomas Jones and John Tait in the same offseason. Let's not forget, the Broncos traded UP to get Cutler 2 years ago... it would have cost the Bears a pick or two to just get in position to get a guy like Cutler. Instead, we get a dog who's already been housetrained by the Broncos and is coming off a pro bowl season. 

Close your eyes for a second (take your hand off your junk) and imagine this: "Cutler, play action to Forte, pumps to Olsen over the middle, FINDS HESTER DEEP!!!! TOUCHDOWN!!!"

Let me reiterate:

THIS IS GREAT FUCKING NEWS, I'VE HAD A RAGING HARD-ON FOR 12 HOURS AND DIABETES JUST BECAME REALLY COOL. 

Hopefully F.A.G can come up with a witty Cutler T-shirt soon so I don't have to go buy another Bears jersey.

DIABEETUS!

Diabeetus!

I am in complete shock. Not only did the Bears acquire the best damned diabetic QB in football, but they singlehandedly changed the future outlook for the next few seasons in less than a few hours. Here's the skinny:

MOVE #1

Acquired: QB Jake Cutler, 5th round pick

Lost: QB Kyle Orton, two 1st round picks and a 3rd round pick

Grade: A-

First of all, without Cutler, we for SURE spend one of those 1st round picks on a QB who won't pan out - maybe both picks. Considering our luck with 1st round picks in general, getting rid of them doesn't hurt too much. I'll miss Orton and his neckbeard more than you'll ever know, but the idea of utilizing Hester downfield with accurate throwing is just too good for me to pass up.

If Cutler manages to merge into our offense seamlessly and improve the team the way we all hope he does, no one is going to miss Orton or the draft picks. He can throw with accuracy, has great pocket presence, and is young enough to be our leader for seasons to come.

In that same vein, if Cutler somehow has a shitty year, it might (FINALLY) put some pressure on our seemingly invincible offensive coordinator. I would gladly take an off-year from our offense to ensure Ron Turner's departure.

The one potential downside is that other than having Diabeetus, Cutler has been proven to be a whiny bitch. Coming to a new town with that rep can go down one of two roads - you can either be like the Dennis Rodman's and AJ Pierzynski's of the world (beloved by Chicago and vice versa), or you can be the Cedric Benson's and David Wells' (whiny bitches hated by all). Hopefully Cutler works out as the former.

MOVE #2

Acquired: LT Orlando Pace

Lost: Money, John St. Clair

Grade: B-

Pace has been around for an eternity - he's still got talent, but he's so injury prone it's not even funny. I remember in NFL 2K2 I would always get him for my squad only to discover that he had mysteriously broken his hand or something EVERY SEASON. It's so sad that it's actually true.

Pace is a big upgrade over St Clair in terms of potential awesomeness, but in reality, he's not going to perform much better in the longrun. He just doesn't have the gas in the tank. Even so, three years locked up with Pace is better than I could have hoped for going into the season without a LT on the line.

NEXT MOVE:

Acquired: WR Torry Holt

We're still not getting a Cutler

Both of these guys are named Jay Cutler. One of them takes steroids directly into his penis, slathers himself in tanning oil, gets ridiculous hair dye jobs, and wears a speedo on a regular basis.

The other one is a bodybuilder.

Zing!

The Reality of Getting Cutler

Well, he KINDA looks like Orton...

If you live in Chicago long enough, you learn that the only sports team in town to bag the big-name free agents (or make moves for big names) is the Cubs. The Sox haven't gotten a big name since Albert Belle, the Bulls haven't since Rodman (Jalen Rose does NOT count), and the Bears haven't offered a contract to any FA under 30 in my lifetime. As such, I am incredibly pessimistic about the Bears taking the slightest stab at Cutler.

Even so, the possibility would be great news. As Keggers pointed out yesterday, getting Cutler essentially equals us getting a free draft pick every year he's on the team (instead of wasting one on the Cade McNowns of the future), and opens the running game for Forte to go batshit crazy. So the real question is, REALISTICALLY, what would need to go down?

The Broncos are in need of a better defense, and any offensive weapons we can give to make Cutler's departure easier. Seeing as we don't have shit in the way of offense (Desmond Clark?), we're probably throwing in a high draft pick with the defensive player.

We have the following to work with:

Briggs: We love our linebackers, and Briggs is no exception. The Yin to Urlacher's Yang, he is what makes our defense tolerable on a regular basis. Seeing as the Broncos have Webster and nothing else, Briggs is a very attractive option.

Harris/Tillman: As much as Tillman is a pussy who gets hurt once a game in order to "bounce back," he can't keep up with the big boys. He gets burned by every WR1 in the league, and I won't miss him when he goes. Seeing as the Broncos have Champ Bailey and...um...Champ Bailey to deal with, Tillman would make their secondary almost respectable.

Corey Graham, Trumaine McBride, Nathan Vasher: These guys are "sort of the future." Frankly, I don't know what their role is on the team if Tillman or Harris go, but I would rather not trade "the youth" if it can be avoided. Also, these guys actualy have potential (instead of additional potential to suck), so they may actually have worth in a deal if packaged with a 1st or 2nd rounder.

Cutler to the Bears?

I have diabetes!!

I actually agree with most of this article. The Bears should do whatever it takes to get JC under center. Someone get some sugar-free candies stuffed into Olin's bung!

The Broncos need defense. We have a lot of overpriced players in the secondary that can be replaced in the draft. Hell, we could even deal Hillenmeyer (a great fit in Denver) or Briggs and a few draft picks.

Everyone knows that dealing draft picks is a quick way to destroy a franchise. However, the only time this rule is moot is when a young high-ceiling QB is available. If Cutler were in the draft this year, he'd be the hands-down #1 pick. 

We've been searching for a franchise QB for ...   a billion years? Forever? Just pull the trigger. Make this happen.  Right now, our team is a slowly deteriorating beast. We dont have anyone to build around, our O-line and D-line are getting old/retiring and we have no receivers. Forte is nice but not indispensable. Hester is nice but not indispensable. Harris, Briggs and Tillman are all good but shouldn't be safe from the block.

If we trade for Cutler and sign a decent veteran WR (like Holt, Engram or MarHar) and draft into the defense, all of a sudden we're a young team (Olsen, Cutler, Hester, Forte) with an exciting future.

More importantly, we don't have to waste a top pick on a QB for another decade. It's such a ridiculous cost/benefit tradeoff here. If you don't take Cutler, we're going to take a few swings at the position (we're not very good at picking QB's) and even if we assume we're going to get it right 1 out of 3 times (not realistic, we've gone through McNown, Grossman, Orton, just to name the most recent draftees- and not counting FA's) we're still spending 10+ years drafting, evaluating, giving up, re-hauling and re-drafting. I've seen it 5 times already since I was a kid. Christ, just look at this list over the last 30 years: Erik Kramer is top 3 in our ENTIRE FRANCHISE HISTORY. The list is appaling. In order, from present:

Griese, Grossman, Orton, Hutchinson, Krenzel, Quinn, Stewart, Burris, Chandler, Miller, McNown, Matthews, Moreno, Stenstrom, Mirer, Krieg, Walsh, Kramer, Furrer, Willis, Harbaugh, Flutie, Tomczak ... JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

I honestly cannot think of a reasonable request from Denver that I wouldn't take if I'm Angelo.

Hester, Briggs and the #1?  OK.

Orton, Forte and Briggs? OK.

My left nut and future considerations on my right? OK.

Don't get me wrong- Cutler is a total homo. He's kind of whiny, super-sensitive and also has diabetes. You don't want your QB to have fucking diabetes. Nevertheless, you can build a winner around that arm... dude throws 70 yards from his knees. Imagine actually being able to hit Hester in-stride... Imagine the defense NOT having 9 guys in the box on Forte... Imagine still having a chance in a game when you're losing... Imagine not having to worry about the QB spot for at least 5 years...

Make this happen. I'll root for this dork like he's Joe Montana.

-KEG