Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dotel Loves The Hugs

"Michelle, I meant to tell you this earlier,'re a total bitch."

Octavio Dotel - foreign, loves cigars, cockfighting and...our president?

Sure looks that way, as Dotel asked president Obama for a hug while they were in Baltimore, and got his wish:

"I saw the opportunity to ask for a hug," Dotel said after the team returned to its Baltimore hotel. "He said, 'Of course.' that was really nice of him. He knows a lot about us. He noticed that we've been playing well lately. He's a big fan. I can tell he really enjoyed (the visit)."

Look, I don't know about you, but even as a White Sox fan, I would be thinking serious security breach if someone lets Octavio Dotel come at you with his arms wide open. He may be the Dominican version of the Dos Equis guy, but that doesn't make him any less insane.

"I don't always smoke cigars, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis."

Still - pretty badass that the leader of this country is a Sox fan. Yes, I know, we should be over it by now, but it's still so fucking cool.

In other news...

Sox Win. The universe listened to me - Anderson was back at the bottom of the lineup, Thome was given the day off again and Fields was moved to DH while Betemit played third. The result? A White Sox winner, ladies and gents. A far more mysterious move was that after Anderson went 0-2 with a walk, Ozzie put in Jerry Owens...who did nothing. How much do you have to hate Brian Anderson to put in Jerry Owens? It's like sending your mentally retarded kid to take the LSATs - you know it's not going to work, but you think if you just try and force it a bit maybe you'll get lucky.

Other points of interest - yes, Lillebridge is fast, but he cannot hit a fucking baseball. Pinch runner. Send Owens to go work at a Pac Sun or whatever failed baseballers do and call up Nix. Nix can play the infield and he CAN HIT. Owens can do neither of these things. Lillebridge can then become the "supersub" (he can play CF, sure, what the hell) and pinch runner. Gavin Floyd pitched like shit, and got extremely lucky that his 10 hits only amounted to three runs. The bullpen promptly went into lockdown mode, and the Sox took 6-3 winner.

Cubs succumb to reality. 10-0? Really? That's pretty fucking pathetic if you ask me. Ryan Dumpster coughed up 5 ER to the DIAMONDBACKS - you know, the team where the 3-10 hitters aren't over a .280 avg? You just put those guys on the map.

I especially like the "relief" pitching. If you can call it that.

"Oh no, Carlos Marmol will save us because we hated that Kevin Gregg guy! He'll shut down the bad Diamondbacks!"

Oh yeah, he'll shut em down - by making them tired from batting around the order. Four walks, 4 ER and only one out? Great showing, Carlos.

"Oh, Kevin Gregg is the closer now! He's the best! We like him more! Put in Gregg!"

Really? Two outs for Gregg, but he coughs up another run. That gives all the "pivotal relief" players (Marmol, Gregg, Patton Samardz...whatever) astoundingly bad ERAs above 6.

This is the year, for sure.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Truth Hurts


Last night was another gut-wrenching, stress-inducing, ludicrously entertaining basketball game in a series that is becoming an instant (ESPN) classic.

I'm not going to do the whole recap thing (if you didn't watch the game, then you mostly suck anyway, and you can always read ESPN, Yahoo, etc for a rundown) but I'll share some thoughts:

1) Live twittering (my balls) is fun: Loved the comments flooding in throughout the game in real-time. It felt like watching the game with a big group of awesome Bulls fans. We shall do this again.

2) Ben Gordon is both awesome and ridiculous at the same time: He took some bat-shit fucking crazy shots during the game. Gordon finished with 26 points but needed 31 shots to get there (by comparison, it took Pierce, who had another off-night, 5 less shots to get his 26. Granted, Gordon hit some amazing shots (the announcers kept saying "that's a bad shot" every time he pulled up but they had to eat their words when he eventually hit a huge jumper and got fouled on a 3 to keep us in the game). He is as streaky as anyone I've ever seen and his shot selection is pretty crappy but there is nobody else I'd rather have take a last second shot on our team than BoGo. As a matter of fact, there ISN'T anyone else on our team that CAN take that shot...

3) Joe Noah is legit. The Big Circus is now tied with Captain Kirk for my favorite Bulls player. The guy is an animal on the boards and is ferocious on D. He's managed to get some offensive credibility through hustle put-backs and good positioning for quick dunks. He can't shoot for shit but unlike Ty Thomas, he knows/understands that fact and doesn't take any shots he can't make. He's got surprisingly high basketball IQ and his energy is infectious. I get really pumped up when he's on the floor and I'm sitting on my couch.

4) VDN can't coach for shit. I don't think we ran a single set play in overtime. For most of the 4th quarter and all of OT, we basically let Rose try to take miscellaneous defenders off the dribble and have everyone else get out of the way. Ok, I've got a crazy idea: set a high screen for Rose, keep Gordon on the perimeter and let Rose finish, find Noah for the dunk (or Miller for the elbow J), or kick out to BoGo for 3. It's not so hard. It's not the triangle offense. Just give the kid some options. I also couldn't stand our lax defensive set - Rose was playing 40 feet off of Rondo and it lets him see the whole court. He sliced through us all night, again.  Individual efforts were good (Thomas, Salmons, Noah) but our switching and transition D were awful again.

5) Derrick Rose is still a rookie. As much as I like to watch him with the ball, he didn't handle the pressure well last night. Part of it has to do with bad coaching (see above) but he has WAY too many turnovers, especially late in games, and made some poor decisions and lots of unforced errors. I was begging my TV screen for Hinrich to take over the PG duties in the 4th. This is not to say Rose isn't amazing - he is - but he's too raw to be taking the whole team on his back at the end of the game and isn't yet assertive enough to lead properly (he can't even get the ball out of BoGo's hands when he's firing crap against triple teams. Jordan would have killed Pippen for shots like the ones BoGo took last night).

All in all, another exciting game in a historic series.

I've already put an order in for a pacemaker and defibrillator for game 6.


Humpday Indeed

Interestingly enough, a Google search for "failure images" popped up the Cubs at #3.
I don't even want to talk about the Bulls right now - the wounds are still fresh, and I don't claim to be much of a basketball analyst. I'll say this much - we took a shitload of bad shots, and we were lucky that as many of them went in. The Celtics stopped taking shitty shots somewhere around the 3rd quarter, and look what happened. Goddamnit. I'm going to leave that miserable recap for someone else.
Instead, I want to talk about all the things that went WRONG in yesterday's White Sox double-header (most notably, because it wasn't a Bulls game).
#1. Anderson in leadoff. I know Chris Getz is hurt, but you have to be fucking kidding me. Anderson is just fresh out of the doghouse, and went 0-4 in the first game. So bat him leadoff in the nightcap? You must be insane. Leave Anderson in the 8 or 9 spot to see what he can do. If Getz is still hurting, put Fields in leadoff, or even AJ - they're both seeing the ball real well right now.
#2. Fields is a butcher in the Field. Look - we tried Fields at third. It's just not gonna work. He doesn't charge the balls he needs to charge, doesn't grab the grounders he needs to grab, and ultimately doesn't have much else going for him other than a strong arm. Try working him in the OF or as DH to give Quentin/Thome a break every now and again (such as yesterday's games) and play Betemit or, frankly, anyone else. Our pitchers will thank you.
#3. Poor performance. 2 hits and 2 errors is not a way to win a ball game. Frankly, Colon pitched better than expected and we got really lucky that Seattle couldn't get it together in game 1. In reality, we shouldn't have one either game.
Also, one scary trend that keeps rearing its ugly head is that no matter how shitty the pitcher is, if the Sox haven't seen him before, we flail away and look bad. Case in point, Chris Jakubauskas (just rolls off the tongue, right?) was looking at a 7.00 ERA before the game. What happens? Barely two runs, and the guy pitches a complete game.
Well shit.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Douchebag of the week

(Oh yeah lets scissor)

Here at the Dong we feel it is our job-nay- duty to bring you the biggest douchebags of the week. If you didnt realize from the picture Brian Scalabrine is a total Douchebag.

The guy is an embarrasment to basketball and the fact that he has played more than 1 second in this series should be an insult to the entire Bulls organization. According to wikipedia his claim to fame is that he was once called "the poor mans Matt Bonner."

Now, you might be asking yourselves at this point, why is the TPC railing on this guy, he isnt such a dousbag.

Heres why: This fucking Douchebag makes over 3 million dollars a year!@#$@$#
Thats right in this horrible economy, Brian "Touchs Matts Bonner" Scalabrine is making over 3 million clams.

Oh and he has 1 more championship ring than some of the greatest players of all time.

This link says it all,

Around the horn and Bulls basketball

Most exciting match-up in the NBA

Is anyone else excited for the game tonight? My balls are twittering...

If not for the game 3 shitfest, this would be the most consistently awesome series of all time. Every game has come down to the last second, even in OT. Both teams have cold blooded killers (Allen, Gordon), and young emerging stars (Rose, Rondo) along with compelling storylines (Garnett, Rondo averaging a triple double, Thomas and Noah coming into their own). 

The series is tied 2-2 and we'll need to win a game in Boston to get to the second round. I don't love our chances in game 7 at the garden (their fans are ferocious) so our best bet is winning tonight and then closing it out at home - taking 3 in a row from the defending champs.

I'll be live twittering during the game ( and should entertain you all with meaningful insight and important observations.

Around the Horn:

-Lance Briggs pulls a Derrick Rose (here)
-Joe Noah earning some much deserved respect around the league. Great article on his generalawesomeness and how everyone hates him (here
-Ben Gordon says fuck you JoBu (here)
-Iglesias likes the Bears, the Bears like Iglesias (here)
-Dan Haren owned the Cubs last night (here)
-If you like weird videos, this kid with no arms or legs just (shockingly)  lost his first MMA fight (here)

Going Down in Flames

Just a few more goals to go

Round 2, baby!

Not a whole lot to report on the game - the Hawks took a quick lead in the 1st period after quick goals by Kane and Adam Burish (who?), and mostly played defensively for the rest of the game. Sure, we tacked on two more goals (hey look! Brian Campbell did something!), but you know you're not going balls out for shots on goal when you only take 16 shots in the entire game. Interestingly, the Hawks (finally) took advantage of the power play to get two goals - amazing how effective that is! LET'S TRY THAT MORE OFTEN, PLEASE!

To contrast, Calrgary played like we had an empty net and the puck was made of shit. 44 shots on goal, and while the majority of them weren't particularly good (augh! Get the shit puck away!), Khabibulin let only one through and generally held his position as the "Bulin Wall." Likewise, Byfuglien put in a great all-around effort to help - great puck movement, good control, a couple assists, and even a late goal (OK, it was an empty netter, but still). And he's still pretty bi-fugly.

Looks like the Ducks are coming up next - they have a filthy defense led by Pronger and Neidermeyer, but we should be able to shut down Getlaf and the rest of their front line...especially if Khabilibulin can keep his A-Game up.

Come on Savard - lead us home.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Fucked up fingers are sexy

Matt Walker - #1 with the ladies.

Just look at them fawning over him. Skip to the 10 second mark - they are SO turned on.

One Man's Obssession With Brian Anderson

Ice, Ice, Baby - look at my tan lines

For the uninitiated here, I am a HUGE Brian Anderson fan. Since 2006, I have found myself cheering for Anderson and rooting for his success at every chance. Every day I check the Sox box score to see how Anderson did, and this season, I'm finding myself happier than ever. Now, many of you have been wondering "why do you like Brian Anderson so much?"

#1. He is an immense tool. There is no "nice way to say this," so I'll just come out and say it. Brian Anderson is "that guy". Look at that photo at the top - it says it all. You know "that guy" who wears expensive Italian shoes with jeans? Anderson is that guy. What about that douche who wears sunglasses to look cool, but is obviously a huge dork? Anderson. Even that tattoo is an obvious failure. Let's take a close up look, shall we?

From a distance, it almost looks like that tattoo might mean something or at least look cool. Nope. Just two birds and the text "I Love You Kid, You Know That." Wow, that's cool. Did you go to watch Jermaine Dye get one of his tattoos and he call you out for not having one? THAT's gonna get you cred.

#2. Unrealized talent. Anderson, in addition to being an actual tool, is also a 5-tool player. He can hit for power, he can hit for average, he plays a great CF with a solid arm, and he has good speed. Until this season, all of those things were only realized in the minors. After Sunday's three-hit showing against Halladay, Anderson's average is up to .349 - the highest of any regular on the team - and he's sporting an obscene .835 OPS. He could be, and should be, a long term staple in center.

#3. He reminds me of Robert Redford in "The Natural." Come on - don't deny it. Just look at this:

And that's from Anderson's rookie card - he for sure looks more old and grizzled by now.

#4. The Quotes. One of the biggest motivators for Anderson to succeed is getting in front of the camera. In 2006, he had lots of camera time (speaking English narrows it down to 3 people), and turned it into a one-man show with brilliant quotes like this:

On a Thome bomb:
"Anything flying that distance should have a pilot."

On dealing with Ozzie:
"You learn real quick here that it's inevitable - you're going to get thrown under that bus."

On Tadahito Iguchi's game winning home run on a night where Anderson had two:
"It's fun. On the second one, I was running around thinking, 'This is going to be the big one of the game.' But I was way more excited when Iguchi hit his."

On hitting a home run off of a young pitcher:
"Obviously, it feels good any time you hit a home run...but the guy is only 19 years old. He's going to give up his fair share of home runs, but he'll also get his share of strikeouts, too."

On being a fucking retard (wish I could embed):
"Why did the little old Irish lady use 239 beans in her soup? Because one more would have been too fouhrty."

And of course, this little ditty from rookie hazing:

I highly encourage all of you to pledge your loyalty to this fine young man, so that we may all strive to be"Andersonian."

Bulls fail at losing

"Ballgame make Doc cry!"


Two overtimes.

Rose, Gordon and Salmons score 20+, and Rose, Noah and Thomas each pull down 10+ boards.

We suck at hitting free throws, Brad Miller can't play defense, and we're having trouble keeping up with a Celtics team playing at 60% of their full strength without KG, but damn it, we're not going to fold and die.

At least, not without a fight.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Bears draft notes

After trading out of the first 2 rounds yesterday, the Bears first 5 picks make a lot of sense:

Rd 3 - #4(68) Jarron Gilbert (DT) San Jose St
Rd 3 - #35(99)Juaquin Iglesias (WR) Oklahoma
Rd 4 - #5(105) Henry Melton (DE) Texas
Rd 4 - #19(119)D.J. Moore (CB) Vanderbilt
Rd 5 - #4(140)Johnny Knox (WR) Ab Christian

I love the Gilbert pick. The guy is an athletic freak and he's good the speed and strength to make an immediate contribution alongside Tommie Harris. He's also got a good business sense - nothing will skyrocket your draft stock like a crazy-ass youtube video of yourself jumping completely out of a swimming pool:

This looks like some kind of X-Men preview. Put a cape on this guy and get him on the line - by far the best player available, projected as early as 1st round.

The other picks are logical: Iglesias and Knox are both solid WR's that will pull coverage off Hester and can thrive in a west coast offense. Good possession guys with speed. I'm sure Cutler will make one of these guys look a lot like Eddie Royal in Denver last season. Knox ran a 4.3 at the combine (which is really fast for those of you who don't spend your free time watching combine film).

I don't know much about Melton, but he looks good and adds depth. DJ Moore was a guy I was hoping we wouldn't take at 49 but I'm more than happy to have him at 119. He was the 5th ranked DB in the entire draft and top 50 overall.

Rumors were flying yesterday that we were wheeling for Anquan Boldin, but he was apparently too pricey and we dealt the pick instead. Looks like a good move, we got some great depth, but we still have some glaring needs in the secondary. 

We just took Marcus Freeman (OLB, Ohio State) and I've got inside word from my boy Andrew that he's the real deal.

So far so good for the Bears, loving the picks so far. Keep it up!


Friday, April 24, 2009

How NOT do win

I died for this shit?

Say - if I want to FOR SURE lose a game, what are the best ways to do it? Well, let's see...for starters, let Jaokim Noah use his unique style of "rebounding." How does he rebound, you ask? Well, start by slapping the ball down on a rebound so that it bounces up AND away from you, ensuring you won't get the ball. It can kill any easy board and give the opposing team a chance to put up a quick jumper while you fumble for the ball.

Well, if that doesn't work for you, there's always the tried and true "All-Bulls" approach of just not getting the goddamned board in the first place. You know, the whole brilliant strategy of jumping at the wrong time, knocking the ball away from your teammates, or just plain fumbling before taking control of the ball.

Of course, if all else fails and you DO manage to get the ball, there's still hope! Just try and move down the court before you have control of the ball, letting it slip out of your hands or making it a really REALLY easy target for a steal.

The Bulls managed to do all three of these things last night, with a vomitous 22 turnovers leading the way to a 107-86 debacle. The Celtics drained threes on us all night, and with Rose and Gordon not getting it done (Rose, 4-14. Gordon, 5-13), this was over before it even began. Rose had an especially off-night with 7 particularly ugly turnovers. The whole "Paul Pierce is destroyer of men" thing didn't help much either.


Thursday, April 23, 2009


I thought the Dong nation would enjoy my afternoon exchange with the TPC via gchat.

Lucky fuck is going the Bulls game tonight, probably courtside (he mooched a friend of mine from college, cheap fuck can't even find his own hooked-up friends).

I've also taken the liberty of annotating the conversation for your reading pleasure.


me: you read bill simmons today?
great fucking article
TPC: i cant wait to streak on the court tonight with nothing but my dong shirt on
awesome, simmons is hte man
im so happy the bulls are playing the celts, its great
me: dude - make sure to take some pics of yourself at the game in the dong gear
at least 5 pics
I should have given you some shirts to give away or something...
TPC: i dont have dong gear
maybe ll write on my shirt
*(The TPC is poor as shit. He would have to sell his fan (no AC) or his mini bball hoop (no real hoop) to afford a dong shirt. We are classy, motherfucker.)
are we friends?
TPC: i know
me: have you heard of my blog?
TPC: you're my best friend
i am the dong
i plug it more than your asshole
me: Nice

TPC: there is nothing i like more than the dong
me: What about dudes?
TPC: i actually brought it up in coversation over pesach
i didnt tell you
*(We are both filthy Jews, if you didn't know)
my womens cousin is a popular blogger and I told her about my own blogging experiences
shes like really thats great what blog?
and with a totally straight face i told her luolsdong the premeir chicago sports blog
she coughed and was like what?
TPC: and i repeated luolsdong the premier chicago sportsblog
it was awesome
TPC: i told her to add us to her list of blogs she checks
shes got a maternity blog
me: Great fit
*(What do martha stewert, maternity and the dong have in common? That's right, big black cock. )
TPC: can you imagine martha stewart childrens place and the dong?
me: Sure can.
TPC:im pissed i didnt bring it up at the seder
why is this night different?
cause im not checking the dong
me: but it's not different, cause you probably plowed some dude after the seder
TPC: it was the longest stretch ive ever gone without the dong
me: it's semantics, really, but I'm pretty sure this conversation makes you gay
TPC: lol

Everyone keep an eye out for the TPC at tonight's game, wearing a home made dong shirt, probably wrist-deep in some random dudes asshole.



Not unlike that Henry Rowengartner kid

Well, since Keggers took the baseball analysis, it looks like I've got the REAL scoop from yesterday - Derrick Rose, Rookie of the Year.

Come on, say it with me: ROOKIE OF THE YEAR. It just rolls off the tongue, right? It's been a while since the Bulls have had a RoY (Previous Winner: Elton Brand. Remember how he only played two seasons for us before spending a decade with the Clippers? Yeah...), let alone since CHICAGO had a RoY (Most Recent Winner: Urlacher in 2000).

Derrick Rose embodies all the things that should get you excited about a young star. He's got speed, he has insane talent, he puts up a shitload of points, he wants the ball (winners always want the ball), he makes his team better, and his teammates can count on him in the clutch. All are excellent traits.

But what about the intangibles? Behind every great player is some weird story. Kobe has his "proving-I-didn't-rape-her" diamond ring, Jordan had his gambling habits, and Tony Kukoc once killed a hobo just to say that he could*.

Derrick Rose brings his A-game here too, as he has the infamous "stabbed yourself in bed" story. Sure, it's been beaten to death, and it's not nearly as good as "I shot myself trying to hide a gun" or "my wife beat me up," but damnit, it's our very own. There's a very fine line between "intriguing" and "batshit crazy" and right now Rose is riding that line like Jack Haley's ass rode the bench.

Much love to Mr. Rose in all of his future accomplishments, and keep your eye on the playoff prize - if we don't win today, I have to buy booze for the office. And I sure as hell don't want to pay for a legion of drunks.

* Not at all true. Much love, Tony.

Baseball happened

Ted Lilly doesn't suck, but his teammates sure do...

Cubs got blanked 3-0 by the Reds last night, despite a solid game from Ted Lilly and good hitting from the top of their lineup. Tough loss for the Cubs all around and ending a 3 game win streak. Milton Bradley is now batting a solid .043, which according to Moody's and the S&P, completely justifies his $30M contract. Too bad they don't give bailout cash for bad assets in baseball...

Jimmy T crushing number 545

The south siders beat up on the Orioles 8-2 behind an awesome game from Danks and some solid offense. Bubble starters Chris Getz and Brian Anderson went a combined 5/8 on the night, Josh fields had 3 hits and our defense was outstanding (as it has been with Anderson in center). Jermaine Dye had a nice catch to save a HR and it continues to amaze me that he can get to the outfield wall at all... Is it just me or does it look like he's playing RF underwater?

In other news, the Cubs called up Jeff Smardjaidizziananaifiiahdlma who is better known for his WR days with the Fightin Irish where he made Brady Quinn look like a legitimate QB (something Braylon Edwards hasn't seemed to grasp) and the ChiSox are already fielding rumors about demoting Jose Contreras. Paul Konerko is sneaky batting over .300 and Chris Getz is looking like a good fantasy option at 2B (very thin pickings out there) batting in front of a nasty 3-4-5-6 (Quentin, Thome, Dye, Konerko). Thank me later.


Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Hump Day


Happy Wednesday.

Let us never forget Jack Haley and his significant contribution to our championship runs.


Contreras bad, reality worse

I endorse Michael Strahan's dental service
We're going to try something called the "compliment sandwich." First, I'm going to say something I like about the White Sox. Then, I will add a constructive comment regarding the team. Finally, I will add another compliment, thus completing the compliment sandwich. Let's try, shall we?
Compliment: The Sox finally optioned Mike MacDougal to AAA Charlotte. Jack Egbert was called up, and really can't do much worse. Good decision by the front office.
Criticism: Holy fuck this was a blowout! I like Contreras, I really do, but if you can't get past the 4th inning, you need to take yourself out of the game. EVERY start he's had this season results in some sort of collapse after the 4th inning. Jose, you're an idiot for pitching when you've got nothing left - build up the stamina. Ozzie, you're a fucking moron for leaving him in past 5 every time because he's just going to cough it up. I would say to give Clayton Richard the 5th starter spot until Contreras can prove himself, but Richard looks like shit, too! Oh, and Egbert? Got beat down in garbage time. Not even an RBI performance can cheer me up. Goddamnit we have a lot of work to do.
Compliment: Uh...Southpaw makes children happy.

Running out of options

But coach, it holds just as much as the toilet, and it's PORTABLE!

With Torry Holt announcing that he's joining the Rams, the list of candidates for the Bears just shrank by one. Actually, it's more than that - Holt has great hands, runs crisp routes, and although his knee will forever be fucked up, he would have been an excellent posession guy for us. He was my top candidate.

Alas, we have to move on. Here's our remaining batch of hopefuls:

Rashied Davis (2:1):
If it's only mostly broken, don't bother fixing it. That's the rule with Davis, anyways. You know you have a problem when your most seasoned reciever after Hester is this guy. His "breakout campaign" last year consisted of 35 catches for 400+ yards and two touchdowns. I don't actually blame Davis for these numbers, though - while he may occasionally decide to have hands of brick, the offense really just didn't use him last season. The short game went to Forte/Olsen, the long game went to Hester, and everything inbetween was either a wounded duck or a case of intentional grounding. With Cutler at the helm, there's a chance for Davis to use his speed to shine.

Earl Bennett (5:1):
Of course, if Davis looks like crap in camp, there's always Bennett. I can't say much about him because he rode the bench all of last season. Zero catches. Aside from making a few waves in college, there's not a lot to go on. He's from Vanderbilt, and he was a third round pick. That's about it. Even so, Lovie has said that Bennett will be given "every chance" to earn the spot alongside Hester. If Davis tanks, this is the guy.

Matt Jones (20:1):
Jones, fresh off of a love affair with cocaine, is every bit the possession guy we need. While desperately trying to avoid jail time last year (and subsequently allowing my ragtag fantasy team of criminals to make the playoffs), Jones had a career year with 65 catches for 761 yards in only 12 games. He ran good routes, caught passes in traffic, and gave David Garrard a reason not to kill everyone in Jacksonville. Granted, there's a REALLY good chance Jones goes to jail for a while and doesn't play, or even that 2008 was a coke-induced fluke year. Even so, a junkie with good hands is still a guy with good hands - and he'll come cheap!

Marvin Harrison (30:1):
Probably not the guy you want right now. Marvin showed last year that he still has some gas in the tank, but the transmission is shot and he can no longer get out of 2nd gear. Marvin is big and can still make catches in traffic, but he's not going to stay healthy enough to play all season. Throw in the whole "past his prime" business and the fact that he's a name worthy of a larger price-tag, and I'm already scared away. Think Mushin Muhammad all over again.

Lance Moore (50:1):
Moore is actually a great fit here. 79 catches last year for just under 1000 yards and 10 touchdowns. The 3.7 average yards after a catch won't impress, but he'll throw himself at the ball to bring that sucker down. That said, why is Moore ranked so low here? He's a restricted free agent - signing Moore costs us a 2nd round pick. Seeing as we have about 2 picks in the entire 2009 draft, it's a little risky to give up one Moore (Ha! See what I did there?). Moore likely will want a long-term deal, and he does have Drew Brees-related stat inflation, but he's young and talented enough for us to use him as a backbone for years to come. I'd be happy to get Moore just for the immediate impact, but we'll see if his price tag dictates otherwise.

Plaxico Burress (100:1):
Unlike Matt Jones, who is simply addicted to crack, Plaxico is all sorts of retarded. First of all, shooting yourself is pretty fucking dumb. Yeah, I know Derrick Rose cut himself on an apple, but he wasn't trying to hide a knife by jabbing it into his arm. Plaxico is also a bit of a clubhouse cancer in addition to being an idiot.

That said, Plaxico is fucking amazing. He can flat-out run, makes insane catches, plays hurt (remember 2007 when he played all season with a limp and still wrecked the competition?), and would immediately make the Bears a Superbowl contender. Here's hoping that we're the ones ballsy enough to take a chance on this guy. Seriously.

Anquan Boldin (300:1):
Please oh please oh please oh please oh please. I don't care what it takes to get him, I don't care how much the Cardinals say they're not moving him - just MAKE IT HAPPEN. Boldin is the best wide reciever in the league right now (yes, better than Steve Smith, Larry Fitzgerald, Plaxico, Moss, TO, or whoever else you want to mention). I won't even go through the insanity that is his 2008 stat line. Suffice to say, I'd be content to trade every draft pick the Bears have through 2011 to get Boldin as a long-term Bear. Please.

Did I miss anyone? (and no, Joe Jurevicious does not count. Go home.)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Ray Allen beats BoGo by 3

Amazing night but not quite enough

What a shootout! Unfortunately, we ended up on the wrong end of it but any real basketball fan would have appreciated that game. It had some of everything: tough inside defense, good designed plays, historic give and take from Allen/Gordon, drama (Powe, Rondo, Noah, Garnett), and a last minute buzzer beater.

Some observations:

1) Joe Noah is annoying, ala AJ Pierzynski. This is a good thing.  His teammates love him, he's a hustler and he will do whatever it takes to win. These are the guys you LOVE to play with and HATE to play against.

2) Tyrus Thomas may have developed a midrange game. I cannot say for sure but it sure looks like Ty has a acquired nice J to go along with his over confidence. Jury is still out (strong game 1, mediocre game 2, although he took as many shots).

3) Derrick Rose is still human/a rookie. Rose was awesome early and strong late. Totally disappeared in the late 3rd and early 4th though. He did a nice job on Rondo (despite Rondo's triple double) but didn't have the magic on offense last night. I assumed that once Rondo went out with the sprained ankle, that Rose with embarrass Marbury and/or abuse a slow and wounded Rondo. Didn't happen. He needs to do more if we're going to win.

Look out Derrick, Big Baby is trying to eat you!!

4) The Celtics are tired, beat up and emotionally exhausted. They are still dangerous. Paul Pierce looked really fucking tired in the 4th quarter. Leon Powe is out for the rest of the series. Garnett is NOT coming back. Rondo has a sprained ankle. Ray Allen's arms are falling off. (That, or he just likes really gay arm sleeves. Or he wishes he was a white guy. I don't know but it's weird.) All that being said, great teams and players rally around adversity like this especially in the playoffs (think Jordan's domination with the flu in game 5, Favre tossing 4TD's on MNF the day after his father died, etc). At some point, Pierce is going to rally the troops in the face of all the shit going on. Hopefully by the time he does, we're up 3-1.


Back to normal


Between the Bulls returning to their choketastic ways to the Blackhawks getting lit up by Calgary, there wasn't much to write home about.

The Bulls had the ball with a five-point lead with less than 1:30 remaining in the 4th quarter - you know, burn the clock and take clear shots. Instead, the Bulls went for a lousy three, didn't get the board, and didn't stop Paul Pierce from making it rain on us. Instead of winning, the Bulls would up scrambling to tie the game with less than 30 seconds remaining. Finally, a well placed jumper sank us. Really, our defense was lousy - lots of awesome looking blocks, but no coverage on the plays that truly matter. Rose and Gordon can bring the heat on offense, but it's only half a game. We pissed this one away.

As for the Blackhawks, I can't really get too upset - Calgary has a really shitty track record against us, and there's no reason we shouldn't bounce back to take the series. That said, who gives up four unanswered goals to Calgary!? Likewise, Kiprusoff is NOT some kind of superhuman goalie. If he saved 36/38 shots, we're taking lousy shots. I didn't actually watch the game because I was moping about the Bulls, but you get the idea.


Monday, April 20, 2009

Twitter my Dong!

Ladies and gentlemen, Twitter now has a purpose.

The Dong has arrived!!!!!!  (Cue singing choir, release birds, unleash floodlights.):

Now you can get real-time updates of blog posts and subject yourself to other insightful, inane minutia. 

If you have a twitter account, you should follow us. It makes us look cool and makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. You'll also benefit from the most condensed form of awesomeness available over the tubes of the internet (awesomeness in under 140 characters - my personal guarantee).

If you don't have twitter, well, then how are you going to twitter my balls?

Swarm, my minions!


The Gourmet Dong: Wieners Circle

AKA "Gourmet Dong 2: Judgement Day." For those of you about to turn your back on vegetarianism/Kosher/whatever your cardiologist told you, we're here to help you find the best greasy red meat in Chicagoland. Today we'll be taking a look at Wiener's Circle, the infamous North Side (booooooo) hot dog joint. See how it rates on our new Richard Pryor scale -- "10" being "See No Evil, Hear No Evil" and "1" being "lighting yourself on fire while freebasing."

Food: 6.5. First things first: Wieners Circle serves up an excellent Polish. The specimen we sampled for Gourmet Dong was fucking huge -- like Ron Jeremy huge -- all beef, and nicely charred, with quality grilled onions to match. The char hot dogs are awesome in a similar fashion. These guys woulda rated a "10" except they had to go and add other items to their menu. Their french fries taste like greasy ashes, and anyone who tells you how great they are is a fag. Most of the other stuff here would be acceptable except for WC's odd habit of using cheeze whiz instead of the real deal.

Ambience: 8. Some of you who are local may be familiar with the deal at this place. Basically, the gimmick is that the staff here is deliberately "rude" or whatever, and not in a cute way either. If Ed Debevics was late-night cable, Wiener's Circle is full-on bukkake porn. One time, the cook showed me a centerfold from High Times and attempted to start a discussion about weed with me. Another time, the cashier tried (very aggressively) to talk me into going to Taco Bell and picking up some burritos for her. Then there's the story of a young Sicilian immigrant who could not stop swearing, even at inappropriate times. At first people thought he had Tourette's, but it turned out that he had learned to speak English by hanging around Wieners Circle late at night.

Obviously, all of this rules and should rate a 10. The two points are deducted due to the stream of drunk yuppie-ass Cubs fans who come in here late at night to be verbally abused. Obviously these people are suckers for punishment.

Service: 9.0. Somehow, despite the fact that the cast of Friday works here, food is served up at a decent clip. Things get a bit hectic when there's a 50-foot-long line and the restaurant is only 10 feet long, but other than that, no complaints.

Prices: 7. I can't find a goddamn menu online, and I can't remember what anything here costs either. Let's just say that a cheeseburger with cheeze whiz on it is a ripoff at any price. Also, fuck fountain drinks, just go get your beverage at the 7-11 across the street.

Total: 7.625. And keep in mind, this place got shut down briefly by the Heath Dept. last December, so eat at your own risk.

And remember, kids: Food reviewing is a contact sport. If any of you have eaten at any of the places we review, or have anything to add, don't hesitate to post a comment.

What The...

Odd man out

I must be dreaming - we have two teams in the playoffs, and two other teams that aren't sucking? The only team that isn't playing well is in the offseason? Holy crap!

Well, optimism aside, we're not as good as the playoffs are making us look. The Celtics are missing KG and have been playing like garbage anyways. If Pierce is off, yeah, we can beat 1/3rd of a legit playoff team. With any luck, we beat the Celts before they figure it out, Philly to knock out Orlando...

...farfetched, but it's a start. Also, can we talk about how good Derrick Rose is? Yowza!

One Goal indeed! Havlat's winner in OT was just the beginning, as the Hawks have been keeping pressure on (currently series is 2-0). The Hawks haven't looked this good in a long time, ans as much as I miss Savard (yes, I'm probably the only one), Quenneville has taken us to the promised land with a MAP.

Somehow, the Cubs have managed to overcome every lousy pitching performance with a late inning game winning homerun by Alfonso Soriano or Aramis Ramirez. Every week. It's the strangest thing, and very un-Cub. I'm not saying it's weird because it's clutch (which it is), but it's weird because that's just not the way that the Cubs usually try to win ballgames. That whole "pitching wins" thing and all. This is normally the part where I go off on a rant about how the Cubs fans are douchebags for booing Marquis, but I'll save it for later.

You know something weird is happening when Alexei Ramirez draws walks but can't hit, Brian Anderson has an OPS of .500 and Mike MacDougal has a spot on the roster. Okay, maybe that last one deserves its own category (seriously - can we not groom a better reliever than that shitbag?). Even so, Dotel and Linebrink have been better than solid, Bartolo's Colon has been better than expected, and Getz actually looks like our own version of Charlie Hustle. I'm loving this.

We got Cutler - they can be uninteresting for the next 4 months and I won't complain.


Sunday, April 19, 2009

Bulls Win!!!

2 of the best PG's in the league

What a fucking game!

Obvious headline, Rose drops 36 and 11, ties Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's record for playoff points by a rookie and the Bulls beat the Celtics in OT.

Tyrus Thomas hits some BIG shots (tying basket and winning basket) while playing great defense all game. Noah was outstanding (17 boards), and our D held Pierce and Allen to 27 total points.

Unfortunately, it is (how to put it gently) nearly fucking impossible that all (any?) of these things occur again in combination during this series.

Tyrus Thomas hitting a game winning 25 footer? I assure you, there were more people than just me yelling NO! NO! NO! at the screen when he took that shot. Ray Allen going 1-12? Once every 100 games (if that).  Paul Pierce missing the game winning FT? He's 83% from the charity stripe this season (Jordan's career FT percentage was 83.5%). And I don't care how awesome he is, there is no way Rose has another game like this during the series. Oh and let's remember, we still needed a missed FT and overtime to win the game. Let's be prepared to come down to earth in game 2.

Nevertheless - doesn't mean we can't enjoy a big time road win over the defending NBA champs! 

If we can protect the house at the UC, we could make good on Ty's quote to be "the most dangerous team in the league right now." I'm a career pessimist, but if we win two in Boston, I'm going to be pretty fucking stoked.

Go Bulls!!!!


Friday, April 17, 2009

Oh, and one more thing...

That's right. "Cocksucker" on live TV. This is where amazing happens....

Havlat? OT? 12 seconds? Yes!

Like many hockey-disenfranchised chicago sports fans aged 15-35, this is the first season where I've had the opportunity to watch exciting Blackhawks hockey on TV.

Bill "Hitler" Wirtz refused to allow the games to be broadcast on that newfangled television thingy for as long as I can remember (and over 40 years) and the only way to watch the games was to buy tickets. Genius idea to keep the stadium sold out although it completely tuned out an entire generation of hockey fans.

With a young, talented, exciting team in a new era of young hockey stars (Ovechkin, Crosby, etc) and current network capabilities (internet, TV, mobile, etc) it's time to get back on the hockey bandwagon and it's time to get back on the Blackhawks bandwagon.

Khabibulin was amazing last night. Toews is a total stud - love his hustle, he's going to be good for a really long time. And of course, Havlat (after getting sucker punched in the face in the first face-off) completely dominated the game.

Have Lat, you scurvy!

Bottom line: hockey is cool. No reason to hold a grudge against the new blood for previously crappy ownership. Embrace the Hawks. Life is good. Twitter my balls.  ....mmmmm yes.


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Guess Who's Back?


On the flip side, at least we don't have to actually start Jerry Owens on a major-league roster. Here's hoping Scotty Pods can recapture some of the 05 magic...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Cutler has some big, alcoholic shoes to fill

Jay Cutler doing his best Kyle Orton impression.

Thanks to StorminNorman over at NQTC for passing along this gem. 

Some notes:

1) Greg Olsen has a pet cat named Cringer and spends his free time defending Eternia.

Throw me the fucking football, Snarf!

2) Jay Cutler shops at rodeo-homo

3) Olsen is the happiest man on the planet right now

4) It's entirely possible neither one of them is drunk

5) I'm not a doctor but I can't imagine that copius amounts of alcohol will have a positive effect on a (gay) diabetic

6) I hope that's not a fat roll I see on JC...

Kevin Gregg is full of shit

I didn't forget to shave - some guy didn't give me free razorblades!

If there's one thing I can't stand it's when people make excuses. Even worse is when people make REPEATED excuses and drag other people into it!

Case in point, here's Piniella's comments after Gregg fucked up save chance #2:

"Gregg is our closer; I said that last night," Piniella said Sunday. "Look, I found out an interesting piece of information on Gregg that I didn't know about. And that's that once I get him up and don't use him, his knee tightens up on him... I won't use him at all in the eighth inning because he sits here. And then he goes out there and his knee 's a little tighter in the ninth."

OK, so he's old and he gets tense. I suppose that's grounds for one mistake or so...but wait, what's this? After another blown save, Piniella blames...Koyie Hill!?

“You can’t walk as many people as we did from the seventh inning on. You just can’t do it. You’re going to lose,” said Piniella, who was most upset about the Duffy walk — for the pitch selection as much as the result. ”Get the ball over the plate. Make the other team beat you. Period.”

Piniella called Hill into his office after the game to make the point clear enough to be heard out in the clubhouse: Don’t fool around with secondary pitches there; make Duffy hit a fastball.


Leave Koyie Hill alone.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Some wonderful tidbits

Perusing the new ESPN/Chicago homepage has been a great way to spend the morning.

Some good stuff:

• Finally, the new Bears left tackle stoked to flames of the Torry Holt rumors, saying he was trying to recruit the free agent WR to join the Bears. Pace said Holt told his friend, "tell Lovie to give me a call". We'll see if anything develops on that front. Holt is said to be receiving heavy interest from Tennessee and Jacksonville.

2) Jeff Dickersons blog.

This is a must-read for any Bears fans. Some bits:
  • Keep close watch on the Bears defensive end position in 2009. Adewale OgunleyeMark Anderson and Izzy Idonije are all entering the final year of their contracts, so it's imperative the Bears begin to plan for the future on the D line.
  • It's been a quiet off-season for former Bears quarterback Rex Grossman. He made a small ripple in early March when he announced an impending visit to Cincinnati. They signed J.T. O'Sullivan. He talked of liking the situation in Detroit. They chose Daunte Culpepper, the two Drews (Henson and Stanton) and maybe Matthew Stafford with the No. 1 overall pick.  But where will Rex wind up? Jets? 49ers? Both clubs have glaring needs at quarterback but will likely select one in the upcoming draft. At this point, you have to wonder if Grossman will sign as a No. 2. He might have to be a third-stringer. However, many organizations don't want to have to pay their third quarterback the veteran minimum salary, which is what Grossman would command. They prefer to pay a rookie salary.

  • Despite the off-season signing of Josh Bullocks, free safety is still an area of concern for the Bears defense. One move made this off-season was to move Zack Bowman inside from corner, but expect Jerry Angelo to also address that position via the draft.

3) 10 Questions with Ozzie (Jim Caple)

6. What is the difference between Cubs fans and White Sox fans?

Wow! Whew. I think White Sox fans come to the game to watch the game and have a little more knowledge of the game. Cubs fans go there to party and drink and sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game." Then they don't give a crap what happens the rest of the game. They just want to look up and see who is singing during the seventh-inning stretch. As soon as the song is over, they get up and leave.

So Sox fans are more knowledgable?

Yes, because when they sit there and watch a game, I think most Cubs fans just want to be on camera and take their shirts off and drink some beer.

7. Do you have a recurring anxiety dream in which you can't do something or show up late or are naked in public?

I like to dream about Shakira, the Colombian singer, because that's a dream that is never going to come true.

Sox Make History

Hi-fiving without protection can cause these.

First Jermaine, and then Paulie. One HR, and then another. Awesome, but not so special, right?


Jermaine Dye's homerun gave him 300 for his career. Konerko, one at-bat later, crushed HIS 300th HR into the LF stands. Back to back 300th HRs.

We are making HISTORY, people!

ESPN does something smart

Our prayers have been answered!

ESPN - but only for Chicago.

This is almost too good to be true.

I'm very happy right now.

Bringing the class

Yes - it's almost as good as discovering that Jesus liked the Bears.

After watching the U.S. Cellular "opening video" for the Chicago White Sox, you have to wonder how much these guys really get into it. As a prequel to yesterday's dominating 6-1 victory, the eyes and ears were serenaded with the usual video tribute to Passion, Pride, Tradition, and Completely Annihilating The Opposition to music from the Pirates soundtrack and AC/DC.

I don't know how much the players get into it, but I know that I certainly think it's awesome. Some people think that the opening sequences are lame, and detract from old time baseball. You know what? Fuck you. Our intro sequence is absolutely badass. You get pumped, the players get pumped (hopefully), and you really get the impression of "We Will Fucking Kill You" that the video successfully represents.

You want an old-timey introduction? What, like having some drunk-ass hobo yelling "WOO" before and after every noun? Then maybe instead of the shirt above, you'll be seeing a lot more of this shirt during games in October:

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Get to work, Cutqueef!

Loving the rumor mill this morning...

Cutler Recruiting Plaxico

Plaxico Burress I Giants I ESPN Insider Only

Also saw some interesting tidbits about how Ocho Cinco wants to play in the NFC and how Old Man Holt doesn't want to uproot his family in St. Louis.

If we can get a legit WR1 opposite Hester, we're going to be surprisingly solid this season. If we can get a young WR1 (like plax) we're going to be solid for the next 5 years.

Just a few weeks ago, I was eagerly anticipating a mediocre 8-8 campaign with Neckbeard, a mind-numbingly brutal offense and another wasted year of our talented D. Things are looking up!!

And NOW we can start

I suppose you could say we have a bias here towards the White Sox. Well, I don't care what you think, because we're SO equal coverage. The fact that there was no baseball post until the Sox home opener? Unrelated. The fact that I'm acknowledging the Cubs only because they lost today? OK, maybe.

Sox - 1-0 - 1.000 win percentage - best team in the AL - etc etc.

A very clutch homer by Thome seals this one up. Great effort from the bullpen, Chris Getz, and Josh Fields (who had a bunt single AND a great defensive stop). On the flip side, DeWayne Wise has shown no reason why he should be in the leadoff spot, and Buerhle didn't have much in the way of control (3 BB and 2 HBP in 5 IP). Still, it's better than the opening day line of the last two years where the starter went 1.2 IP with 6 ER...etc etc.

Oh, and hitting that homer off of ex-Cubs lunatic Kyle Farnsworth? I'll take it.

Cubs - 1-1 - Not as good.

Cubs lose a heartbreaker in extras to the lowly Astros. Hilariously, today seems to be a showcase of Cubs chokers. First Farnsworth coughs it up in the Sox game, and then LATROY HAWKINS gives up the tying run! Oh, and then there's the CURRENT Cubs chokers like Cotts (who has been consistently awful for the last two years...why does he keep making the roster?) and new acquisition Kevin Gregg.

Frankly, I'm confused by the Box Score that Yahoo! is currently showing. According to the box, Cotts pitched exactly one inning (the 9th) and gave up a run. Then, in the 10th, Gregg gave up a walk and a hit (no runs) and the game ended. This makes no sense, especially since Cotts got pegged with the loss. I have to assume that there were inherited runners for Gregg to botch.

How long until fans are clamoring for Marmol to close?