Thursday, April 2, 2009

The secret to Chicago sports

As much as I hate to admit it, there is a recurring trend in all things Chicago sports - EVERY SINGLE TEAM in this town finds a way to collapse down the stretch. Whether it be the Bulls (who can seemingly play only three quarters of basketball before getting mauled in the 4th), the Bears (who generally beat themselves with their fourth quarter play), or even the Cubs (two words: October and Playoffs).

Frankly, it's demoralizing (which, StalkingErinAndrews, I understand with). At the same time, it really makes you not want to give a shit about your loser team filled with chokers. Maybe you should go for a run instead, or even bury your ex-wife properly instead of leaving her in the closet and occasionally spraying the corpse with Febreeze.

Hell no!

This is CHICAGO - we put up with our shitty teams through thick and thin. We haven't had a consistently good team in fifteen years, and just to keep us interested, one of the teams here will occasionally start to impress and get your hopes up - only to choke at the end anyways. Case in point - last year's MLB playoffs.

Here are a few sugestions to ways you can still watch the game without crying uncontrollably:

Make a Deathlist. Did Octavio Dotel just implode and blow a huge lead in extras? Did Hester just fumble on our own 1-yard line after trying to fake a touchback? After each mind wracking play, write down the name of the offender in a little black book with a hash-mark each time they do something worthy of you going through the trouble of assassinating them. Set a specific number of hash-marks in advance, and when they reach it, you have justifyable cause to do what needed to be done.

Drink. Heavily. This is probably the #1 reason that Cubs fans aren't as suicidal as they could be. Numbing the pain with such high quality ales like Old Style really helps you think that "maybe this is the year" even though in a month you know you'll be saying "next year." Whatever gets you through the season, man.

Yell at your TV. This one doesn't work if you actually go to the games, because I don't condone actively booing players/teams (more on this another time). Rather, if you're sitting at home in your underwear on the couch, you yell at that TV like there's no tomorrow. If you're watching a game on the West Coast, your kids should be lulled to sleep by your screams of "MARMOL!!! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!" and "FUCK YOU FUCKING FUCKETY FUCK FUCK!!!" Soon, the wee ones will stay up late to play "watch daddy turn red and curse." Little do they know that they will soon be doing it too...


stalkingerinandrews said...

Nice to see you take reader input.

Gepetto said...

And promptly bash it into oblivion