AKA "Gourmet Dong 2: Judgement Day." For those of you about to turn your back on vegetarianism/Kosher/whatever your cardiologist told you, we're here to help you find the best greasy red meat in Chicagoland. Today we'll be taking a look at Wiener's Circle, the infamous North Side (booooooo) hot dog joint. See how it rates on our new Richard Pryor scale -- "10" being "See No Evil, Hear No Evil" and "1" being "lighting yourself on fire while freebasing."
Food: 6.5. First things first: Wieners Circle serves up an excellent Polish. The specimen we sampled for Gourmet Dong was fucking huge -- like Ron Jeremy huge -- all beef, and nicely charred, with quality grilled onions to match. The char hot dogs are awesome in a similar fashion. These guys woulda rated a "10" except they had to go and add other items to their menu. Their french fries taste like greasy ashes, and anyone who tells you how great they are is a fag. Most of the other stuff here would be acceptable except for WC's odd habit of using cheeze whiz instead of the real deal.
Ambience: 8. Some of you who are local may be familiar with the deal at this place. Basically, the gimmick is that the staff here is deliberately "rude" or whatever, and not in a cute way either. If Ed Debevics was late-night cable, Wiener's Circle is full-on bukkake porn. One time, the cook showed me a centerfold from High Times and attempted to start a discussion about weed with me. Another time, the cashier tried (very aggressively) to talk me into going to Taco Bell and picking up some burritos for her. Then there's the story of a young Sicilian immigrant who could not stop swearing, even at inappropriate times. At first people thought he had Tourette's, but it turned out that he had learned to speak English by hanging around Wieners Circle late at night.
Obviously, all of this rules and should rate a 10. The two points are deducted due to the stream of drunk yuppie-ass Cubs fans who come in here late at night to be verbally abused. Obviously these people are suckers for punishment.
Service: 9.0. Somehow, despite the fact that the cast of Friday works here, food is served up at a decent clip. Things get a bit hectic when there's a 50-foot-long line and the restaurant is only 10 feet long, but other than that, no complaints.
Prices: 7. I can't find a goddamn menu online, and I can't remember what anything here costs either. Let's just say that a cheeseburger with cheeze whiz on it is a ripoff at any price. Also, fuck fountain drinks, just go get your beverage at the 7-11 across the street.
We're here to tell you what WE think. Not what you think, not what Jay Mariotti thinks, and certainly not what ESPN thinks. We swear, we use caps lock, and we generally use pictures that would inspire discussion in prisons.
If you're one of those people that works in an office where your boss is constantly looking over your shoulder, maybe a gigantic representation of Luol Deng's third leg is just what the doctor ordered.
You have been warned.
Got something good to share? Need to mooch off of our minor successes? Have visual evidence of Sosa doing roids? Contact Gepetto at GepettoZHog@gmail.com.