Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Quick Thought

I know we talked about this before, but where the hell are all the good Chicago mascots?

Here's a quick rundown of what we have right now:

Bulls: Benny the Bull
Bears: Staley The Bear (who...?)
Blackhawks: Tommy Hawk
White Sox: Southpaw (retired?)
Cubs: ...Ronnie WooWoo?

Seriously, I had to actually think beyond Tommy Hawk and Benny the Bull to get to Southpaw, and even after that it was straight to Wikipedia to figure out the rest of these.

Is it that hard to find cheap mascot costumes? Or discount mascot costumes for that matter?

Benny and Tommy are actually pretty kickass, but the rest of these aren't going to cut it. What good is Southpaw with Buerhle gone? Here are some quick new suggestions for the Bears, Sox, and Cubs.

Bears: Quarterbear.
  • Appearance: Looks like a real bear, except one arm is in a sling. The other arm has the playbook on it. May or may not be attached to someone annoying from "The Hills"
  • Attitude: Sulks, gets injured right before the playoffs. Has Wilford Brimley on speed dial.
Sox: Anti-Fan
  • Appearance: Looks like a normal Sox fan, except instead of wearing pro-Sox materials, simply wears anti-Cubs gear. Sports a "Cuck the Fubs" hat, T-Shirt with a billy goat on it, and generally seems surly.
  • Attitude: Points out jubilantly when the Cubs lose, chants "1908", and tunes out mid-season once both teams are out of contention.
Cubs: Bleacher Bob

  • Appearance: Drunk. Very very drunk. Is surrounded by incredibly hot drunk chicks.
  • Attitude: Super-chipper, very friendly, completely oblivious to the fact that he's anywhere near a baseball game.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Drugs Are Bad, M'Kay?

Sam Hurd, your talents make football more enjoyable. When you were acquired from the Cowboys, I was so excited. I said to myself, "That guy looked like a playmaker with Romo - imagine what he could do with Cutler!"

I had no idea that in addition to playing football, you could also be one of the largest coke dealers in the history of Chicago. I mean, that's just flat-out impressive. Nate Newton's 213 lbs of Mary Jane? Small time. Hurd was apparently looking to buy 5 to 10 kilograms of cocaine per week for distribution in the Chicago-land area.

Despite currently looking at 40-years or more in the slammer, I still think I would rather have 60+ year old Hurd's hands than current Hester. Just saying.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Oh Well

So Orton's not coming here. At least we have this!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

It's time.


In a noon press conference on Monday, Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith announced the team will pursue the services of free agent veteran quarterback. Coach Smith said the Bears expect to get Cutler back late in the year, but still anticipate signing an additional QB to backup Caleb Hanie, saying, "The plan is to look for a veteran, preferably." (here)

Fuck movember it's now neckbeardvember. All of Chicago needs to grow a thick, shaggy neck beard and petition to bring back our prodigal son... (frighteningly, this actually makes a LOT of sense).

Next stop: Super Bowl.


Monday, November 21, 2011

Cutler Is Dead

It'll be OK...just ask for a double-check discount

Well, that's some lousy news. Cutler, out until (roughly) the playoffs, and during a year where he has largely been everything we paid for and more. Great pocket presence, great accuracy, and great insulin-taking...right when we need it.

So now we have this.

Frankly, I am in favor of what Cutler did on the play that caused all this. It's gutsy and dumb. It's exactly what I like. It's like buying hockey equipment in Mexico. And sure, he may be gone for now, but Hanie is enough to get it done.

Despite all the whining, the real issue here isn't even our team. The Bears have been great - the defense has improved markedly, and since Bennett has been back, there's an element to the offense not named "Forte." Even with Hanie at the helm, I'm not worried about our skill level or ability to win games.

I am worried about the Lions and Packers, who threaten to dominate the division anyways. Why can't we be in the AFC West? Or even the NFC West?


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Chitown Homeboy Just Crushing It

Hooters Kiss - Watch MoreFunny Videos
via Break

Love the swagger on this dude. That's how we do it in Chicago.

Nice sweetness jersey.


Monday, November 14, 2011

Bears Take a Dump on Detroit

Oh fuck yes. Revenge is delightful. The Lions are a bunch of assholes - cheap shots and dirty plays all over the place. Aside from losing Chris Williams for the season (NOOOOO!!!!), this was a statement victory.

Classic Bears win from all the things we do well: special teams, defense, take away's and limited mistakes on offense. Loving Cutler right now. And I guess we shouldn't pay Forte?? I like him running angry...

Now go back to not making cars, Detroit.

Monday, November 7, 2011

That was a pleasant surprise!

Good to have you back, Earl.

Bears 30, Eagles 24.

Our offensive line just dominated that entire game. Pass protection was great (Cutler was only hit ONCE tonight and it was a late hit penalty that saved our final drive), run blocking was great (Forte and Barber: 33 carries for 164, 1TD) and only a handful of penalties instead of the normal barrage of false starts and holding calls.

Cutler played yet another awesome game and looked a lot more comfortable in the pocket with big Earl out there as a safety valve. The Eagles were supposed to have one of the best secondaries ever assembled and we beat them pretty handily. We only punted twice all game (not including the final kick to run clock) and without the Forte fumbles, we probably would have put up even better numbers offensively. No problems converting 3rd downs and overall not a lot of mistakes.

Our defense was also stout - loved the hustle from Idonije and Briggs and really impressed with Peppers' ability to impact pretty much every play (even when he's hurt). Our inexperienced secondary was supposed to be a big question mark tonight but we completely locked down Jackson and Maclin. I really like Tim Jennings out there: fast, aggressive and doesn't give up big plays.

The only cons were the uncharacteristic Forte fumbles and the fact that Hester injured his ankle towards the end of the game, although the severity wasn't clear.

This leaves us at 5-3 with a legitimate chance of moving into 2nd place in the NFC North if we can exact revenge on the Lions next week (now a huge game). They kicked our ass a few weeks back but we're a better, healthier team now with a lot more confidence. If Cutler keeps leading the offense the way he's been doing the past few weeks (minus the TB game, he's had QB ratings of 99.6, 115.9 and 96.9), we should be in good shape. He finally looks comfortable back in the pocket and with Forte keeping defenses honest, we might be able to finally implement some crazy Martz aerial fireworks.



Sunday, October 23, 2011

A WR Dynasty?

The ball is superimposed in this image. They had 15 takes where they lobbed it at him for him to catch it when the picture was taken.

So, while the Bears were busy showing those Brits what American football is all about (read: huge financial injustice as Barber's high paycheck mooches carries from the infinitely more productive Forte), I was thinking about Bears WRs.

More accurately, I was watching ESPN 12's in-depth story about Peyton Manning as told by his receivers, and there's a very clear progression: first it was Marvin Harrison who was "the man", then it was Reggie Wayne, and now it's becoming Pierre Garcon. You can clearly see when the WRs are getting phased out of the offense, when guys are up-and-coming, and who excels where.

The same example exists for the Rams (Isaac Bruce -> Torry Holt -> Donnie Avery), the Packers (Antonio Freeman -> Javon Walker -> Driver -> Jennings), the Vikings (Carter->Moss->Rice->Harvin), and the Bengals (Ochocinco -> Houshmandzadeh -> Chris Henry [oops] -> AJ Green) . Sometimes it's not as clear as the examples I have listed above, but there's usually "a guy", and the next in line to take his place.

Sometimes there's a jump in the line (e.g., Berrian's joke of a stint for the Vikings), but generally, there's a visible progression and you can either tell if/when the torch will be passed.

Want to know the last time that the Bears had "a guy?" The last time you could tell who the next Bears WR would be?

Curtis Conway -> Marty Booker -> Bernard Berrian

And that was back in 2004, when Berrian was good. He's been gone since 2007, with nobody to hand the reins to. Want to know what clusterfuck we've been calling WR1 since then?

2007: Mushin Muhammed
2008: Brandon Lloyd
2009: Rashied Davis
2010: Devin Hester
2011: Roy Williams

God help us.

And as for the talent...oh the talent! Whatever happened to Aromashodu (Vikings), Sanzenbacher (WR5 behind Knox, Bennett, Williams, and Hester), and Juaquin Iglesias (Texans)? Weren't these supposed to be our guys of the future, the guys our QBs loved to throw to and wished could see the field more?

As it stands, Cutler is only as good as the talent around him, which other than Forte, is a total joke. Get the man a big WR to hit and some time in the pocket, and watch him turn into a top-5 QB all over again.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Bears / Vikings

Only 2 false starts so far (6:41 left in 2nd quarter)

Spontaneous urge to blog!

The Bears offense looks good!

Martz is calling a perfect game, Hester hasn't dropped any balls, the O-line has been surprisingly solid against one of the toughest pass rushes in the league and most exciting of all, Jay Cutler looks AWESOME for the second game in a row.

I was really impressed with Cutler last week - he literally had no protection at all and still made plays all game long. He extended plays, kept his eyes downfield and didn't really make any mistakes. All this while literally having 1 second to get set.

Tonight, it appears that we're leaving 7 guys in to protect the pocket and it's working quite nicely. Martz can call his 7 step drop / hour-long routes and Cutler is playing well enough to find the open man and make the right throws. We're also using Forte to keep the defense honest (otherwise they would just drop all the linebackers into coverage). I even think I saw Roy Williams make a catch...

Now, it's not even halftime yet and there's plenty of time left to implode, but I'm so impressed with Cutler that I had to blog. Sorry if I end up jinxing us. Jay looks calm, cool, collected and is making awesome throws. I'm amped! Look at this sexy beast:


Saturday, October 8, 2011

Robin Ventura to Coach Sox

Forward-Forward-High Kick lets him do the flying kick...

Robin Ventura is going to coach the Sox?

I mean, I always liked the guy, and he was a good 3B, but I don't think he's exactly a managerial wonder. It's like saying that Joe Crede should be the conditioning coach simply because he was a beloved member of the White Sox.

Not sure how this is going to pan out, but for all things Ventura, I will always remember this:

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Greg Walker Resigns!

I don't know about you guys, but this is probably the best thing I've heard all day!

Many of our younger readers may not remember this, but the Sox used to be able to hit. The ball. Effectively.

Here are the statistics for years that Walker "helped":

2011: .252 BA
2010: .268 BA
2009: .258 BA
2008: .263 BA
2007: .246 BA (worst in the majors)
2006: .280 BA (top 10...a fluke?)
2005: .262 BA
2004: .268 BA
2003: .263 BA
2002: .268 BA

The White Sox, despite spending tons of money on hitters every year, failed to crack the top 15 team batting averages more than once in Walker's career as Sox hitting coach. This is a guy who was so bad that Frank Thomas insisted on going back to Walk Hriniak to salvage his swing. With the exception of Paul Konerko, the Sox have not had a consistent .300 hitter since 2003 or earlier.

This is a team that has had players come from other teams where they were successful and fail horribly after "adjustments" (Rios, Dunn...etc) and has had rookie hitters become unable to hit the ball (Beckham).

See ya!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

A Haiku, For You

Cutler is a mope
Martz has some saggy bitch tits
Our offense is bad

Matt Forte is good
Poor guy don't make no money
Still runs like a beast

Gabe Carimi, Jew
Faking a knee injury
For Holiday food?

Hope you found those amusing, could use a good laugh after getting beat up by the Packers at home (although this was pretty funny). Now, I'm going to go place another call into Jerry Angelo's office and remind him that nobody likes him.


Monday, September 26, 2011

The End of Ozzie?

For the last time...I TOLD YOU NO ONIONS!

Apparently, this may be Ozzie's last night representing the White Sox. The rumor is that the Sox have a deal in the works to send him to the Marlins (where he can be back with some old friends). I, for one, am wondering how we really got this far.

Let's all keep in mind: Ozzie is the only living manager to guide the Sox to a World Series victory.

That's a hell of a stat for your resume. It's like saying, "Hey, I AM THE ONLY PERSON ALIVE WHO CAN DO THIS." I, frankly, would interview him for pretty much any job if his resume told me he was the only living person capable.

Even so, Ozzie hasn't really done much else to get him on the good graces of the South Side brass. He runs his mouth, maintains a Twitter that rips on whoever whenever, tries to do a reality show, has an asshole son who gets himself into trouble, and Ozzie himself is kind of an asshole.

Oh, and then there's the questionable decisions. The repeated "gut calls" or "non-calls", such as letting Konerko run for himself in games where we're down run, batting Adam Dunn countless times despite his total uselessness, or obsessing over players like Jerry Owens for their speed and not much else.

Even so, when all is said and done, you gotta be able to respect a guy who comes into contract negotiations with this line:

“F--- more years. I want more money,’’ Guillen said. “I don’t work here for years. No, I want more money. Years, what, I’m going to die poor with the White Sox? Hell, no. Listen this is my job. It’s the only thing I can do. I have to make money out of somewhere. I’m not a doctor or a lawyer, where you’ll have a job for the rest of your life.

I mean, that's pretty baller right there.

Ozzie, if this your last game, I salute you.

Update: Yup. He gone!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Please Take Our Shit. I Beg Of You

Fellow readers,

I was recently offered the opportunity to do a giveaway by the fine folks at A&E entertainment. They told me "Hey - would your readers love the opportunity to win some free crap?" and I was all like "Yes I would like --- er, I mean, Yes our readers would like some things."

Then they showed up.

Let me tell you right now that no human alive needs two copies of "The Minnesota Twins 1991 World Series Collector's Edition" DVD set. Likewise, I could give a flying fuck about "Angels Memories: The Greatest Moments in Angels Baseball History." Do I look like a fucking Angels fan? THIS IS A CHICAGO BLOG. COME ON.

But wait, there's more!

What about "Magic in Minnesota - Remembering the 1991 World Series Championship?" I REPEAT - I DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THE TWINS. YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING IN ROUGHLY 20 YEARS. GIVE IT A REST.

Oh, and then there's "Baseball's Greatest Games - 1986 World Series, Game 6." Yeah, go Mets over BoSox! Or Maybe "Baseball's Greatest Games - Derek Jeter's 3,000th hit?" Bonus points for being recent, but again, who gives a shit?

And did I mention that they sent me TWO OF EACH DVD!? This is the same company that has actual television shows that people watch! You know, ones that AREN'T ABOUT THE FUCKING MINNESOTA TWINS!

So please, I beg of you, take this DVDs from me. Write an email to GepettoZHog AT gmail.com with the subject line "I'LL TAKE THE SHIT!" and you can take some DVDs from me. Because I sure as shit don't want them.

PS - As part of this "giveaway," I must list the Amazon link to the product. Here. Now, I know what you're thinking - you're thinking "THIS HAS VALUE! I WILL TAKE THEM AND RE-SELL THEM!" and you would be right.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Why Haven't We Acquired Jack Parkman Yet?!

He looks so good in that uniform...

I don't know how many of you out there know your White Sox history as well as I do, but with this season finishing it's slow crawl into the shitter, it's time to get us a real legend. A man who gets into other players' heads, plays with a fire in his belly, and also can crush a breaking pitch will leading us to the ALCS.

I'm talking, of course, about Jack Parkman.

For those of you that don't recall, Jack Parkman is the superhuman ex-Indians player in the excellent Major League 2 who comes to play for the Sox and carries them to the ALCS with his chain-smoking, pitch destroying mannerisms. Also, his shimmy makes the ladies in Cleveland puke.

Speaking from a pure statistical standpoint, I tracked the performance of Mr. Parkman throughout the entirety of Major League 2.

Parkman starts the movie batting 1.000 in the 6th inning after only 3 hits on the board, and (we are told by Bob Uecker) is 2-2 with runners on the corners. See above. Unsurprisingly, Parkman destroys the pitch for a 3-run homerun.

Parkman: 1.000 AVG, 1R, 1 HR, 3 RBI

Parkman gets traded to the Sox, and vanishes from the movie until the ALCS.

In ALCS game 3, Parkman (somehow on base) steamrolls Indians catcher Becker in a play at the plate, scoring a run. It's unclear how he got on base without a homerun, but use your imagination, people. Parkman gets another homer in the game (against Vaughn), a 3-run shot to end the game. In game 4 of the ALCS, Parkman gets another HR (not off Vaughn) in what appears to be a solo shot.

Parkman: 1.000 AVG (4-4), 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI

Finally, we get to the pivotal scene of the movie, the final showdown between Parkman and Vaughn. Bob Uecker says Parkman is hitting just over .900 against Vaughn, meaning that there was an out at some point in time.

Using basic logic, that would mean that Parkman (who has at least 1 home run against Vaughn as per the playoffs), would need to have at least 10 at-bats against Vaughn in order to compile a percentage higher than .900. For the sake of argument, let's assume that Parkman played all but one series of Sox-Indians while on the Sox. Given that there are generally 5 sets of games played between the two teams over the course of a season, that would imply that Parkman played roughly 12 games against the Indians (4 series).

You're looking at Vaughn pitching a maximum of one time per series. Let's assume that the stars align, and Vaughn pitches to Parkman in every series. That means that there are roughly 12 at-bats of Vaughn against Parkman (minimum of 3 ABs each game, 4 Vaughn starts). For the math to work out nicely here, we assume that Parkman is 11 for 12 against Vaughn over the course of the regular season (for a more-than-respectable .916 AVG against Vaughn).

Parkman: .937 AVG (15-16) 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI

As a result, when Vaughn gets his pivotal K at the end of the movie (Spoiler Alert!), we get a final line on Parkman for the film:

Parkman: .882 AVG (15-17) 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI, 1K


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Preseason Update

1) Jay Cutler looks skinny. Not better, but skinny. Hey, at least there's less of him to hit.

2) I hope Johnny Knox kills Roy Williams in his sleep. Pillow case and some bars of soap... whatever it takes. I haven't hated a Bears player this much since Cedric Benson was out getting drunk on a boat and punching civilians.

3) Our secondary is severely undersized. Tim Jennings is 5'8, DJ Moore, 5'9, Major Wright, 5'11. If we can't get consistent, quick pressure from our D-line, we're going to get torched over the middle, especially by big receivers (Calvin Johnson (twice), Colsten, Finley (twice), Mike Williams, Vincent Jackson, Bowe - all on the schedule).

4) Marion Barber should be putting Chester Taylor out of work any day now. This is a good thing, being that Barber is actually good and Taylor is not. I'd consider Taylor one of the worst signings we've had in a long time (we paid him $7M guaranteed of a $12M, 4-year deal. Gag.).

5) The offensive line looked pretty solid against a strong Giants pass rush. Carimi, Williams and Garza are better suited to pass-blocking and the group is starting to show some cohesion.If they can buy time for routes to develop, the Martz's offense will look a lot better. Everyone forgets that Kurt Warner had a great O-line in 01 with Orlando Pace, Adam Timmerman, Ryan Tucker and Marshall Faulk was one of the best blitz pick-up guys in the league.

Next preseason game is against the Titans on the 27th - I'd keep an eye on Roy Williams... apparently its put up or shut up time.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Pics from the intertube

Big Gabe Carimi cutting weight. Smells like bagels and lox

The sex cannon is already in rare form... (By the way, I'd bet you he has better stats this season than Cutler. Not kidding.)

My favorite couple ever.


Thanks to Erasmo Cortez

Man, I love being able to wake up everyday and get ready to the sounds of Stephanie Abrams on The Weather Channel. I’d never had cable or anything before but when we gotDIRECTSTARTV.com satellite I was tuned in all day long and now I can’t stop! I listen to her soothing voice while I’m brushing my teeth and getting dressed and all I can say is WOW, Stephanie, are you single? She’s the prettiest girl on TV right now if you ask me and she’s so smart…that makes her all the more attractive! I really wish I lived in Atlanta so I could try and get to know her but alas, I guess I’m stuck watching her talk about heat waves and weather patterns from the comfort of my own home. I guess that’s not too bad! Anyway, Stephanie, if you’re reading this you should look me up – I promise I’m not a total weirdo! I just have the biggest crush on you and I love what you’re doing over there at The Weather Channel.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Knox, en route

Bears, what the hell are you doing?

I just don't understand you guys sometimes. Getting Roy Williams was a step in the right direction (bring in some "veteran" presence to an otherwise young and inexperienced WR corps), but demoting Knox to 4th wideout on the depth chart?

Let's do a little number crunch, shall we?

In 2010-2011, Knox had 51 catches for 960 yards and 5 TDs. When you remove the 2 Todd Collins starts, you get 49 catches for 920 yards and 5 TDs in 14 games. Last I checked, that's pretty respectable production for a WR in a ragtag group.

Knox will be sitting behind people who put up the following statlines:

Devin Hester: 40 catches for 475 yards and 4 TDs
Roy Williams: 37 catches for 530 yards and 5 TDs

And I'd like to remind all of you that "In His Prime", Hester was the 1A receiver on the 2008 and 2009 teams. Neither one of those years did he come close to Knox's numbers last year.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

And now, some Grade-A defense from Carlos Boozer

I don't care if this is from 8 years ago - it's still 100% accurate.

Shaking my head...

Friday, July 29, 2011

Do you know who you're talking to?

Didn't know Justin Beiber and JC share clothing...

I wasn't going to comment on this whole wedding breakup story (because it's asinine) but get a load of this:
So how was his relationship with former fiancee Kristin? “Kristin would call Jay a loser and a p**sy, and she’d scream it at him so everyone could hear. They would have fights about Jay being too conceited. They would also argue over how mean he was to people. She would make a point of saying hello to people in the hall, just to piss him off,” our insider laughingly tells us.

In January, they got into a big blow-out argument after Jay injured his knees during the NFL playoffs. He was diagnosed with a MCL sprain. “Kristin called Jay out, saying she thought he was faking the injury and told him he was worthless.”

If I'm the superstar franchise QB of the historic Chicago Bears, do I really need to listen to this verbal diarrhea from a 3rd rate reality TV castoff? I'm not saying JC has the right to be an asshole to everyone but he certainly doesn't need to come home from a long day at work, mostly comprised of 300 pound men trying to tear his limbs off for 3 hours, and get called "a worthless conceited pussy" by anyone, let alone some unaccomplished attention whore.

No doubt JC is a crappy boyfriend (human being?). I mean, look at this face:

He just found out he got a $50M contract.


He may be all the adjectives listed above but being exceptionally rich and famous generally allows you to create your own reality - including one without a nagging, ball-busting wife. (Yes, life is ultimately unfair. Sorry.)

Hey, at least we signed Roy Williams!


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Williams Deals, MLB Reels

For some reason, I always assumed that a beard was digitally removed from this image.

Well, that was quick!

In the blink of an eye, the Sox traded Mark Teahen and Edwin Jackson to get Jason Frasor and Zach Stewart. For those of you looking for a reason to complain, the Sox dealt Jackson (who is in the midst of the best season of his career) and a utility man for a relief pitcher (not something we need) and a prospect.

I couldn't even sell this as Devil's Advocate. I fucking love this trade.

  • Gigantic Salary Dump
  • Adds a RHP to bullpen (Bruney isn't exactly legit - Frasor is)
  • Frees up roster space for DeAza (and we saw how that worked out)
  • Gains Type B FA in Frasor
  • Gets Humber back into rotation
  • Weakens offensive bench versatility (does it really?)
  • Lose Type A FA in Jackson
  • Didn't get more for them
All in all, this is a great deal. The Sox bullpen is now truly filthy (Sale-Thornton-Frasor-Santos-Crain...holy shit), and Omar Vizquel was a better platoon partner than Teahen anyways. The move also allows the Sox to keep Lillibridge on the roster (also better than Teahen) while taking a free roll of the dice on Stewart.

The biggest "risk" here is that we lose offensive pop at 3B - it's between Vizquel and Morel now, and honestly, Teahen wasn't doing much there anyways. I would rather have the rock-solid defense. No one remembers, but the 2005 White Sox didn't exactly have a power offense either. 2 runs is enough to win a game if the pitching is there.

The real question is what does Kenny do with Quentin? He's on a hot streak right now, and this is probably the highest his value is going to get. The Phillies have also been drooling over him. The Sox have a 2012 option on him too, so it's not just a quickie rental for an interested team. Lillibridge can fill in while Viciedo heals, and then it's time for the Tank to get some at-bats. Not sure what we would get, but I suspect it would also be a cash-freeing move.

If only someone would take Rios...

I thought Cubs fans were the dumb ones...

Sunday, July 24, 2011

We're all in...sadly

This is bad.

Let's take a minute to realize what's going on here:

#1. The Cubs are terrible, the NL Central is a joke, and the PIRATES are in first place. Ergo, there will be no more Cubs discussion this year. Expect Fukudome to be traded along with Marlon Byrd and whatever else can get jettisoned.

#2. The AL Central is a crapshoot. Despite a hot start, the Indians have given way to the Tigers (1.5 game lead), who are only 4 games ahead of the Sox and 6 games ahead of the Twins. This is really anybody's game except for the Royals, who haven't been a factor in 20 years.

#3. The Sox have yet to get above .500.

So really, we have a lot of work to do before we can start talking about how the Sox are still "in it."

The major problems we have had are that money is being invested in abysmal performances. Dunn, Rios, and Teahen were all supposed to be worth their paychecks. Dunn was projected to hit over 40 HRs, Rios to have a .270 BA, and Teahen to bring some lumber. How's that working out for us? Oh yeah - it's pretty bad.

The other thing is that we're pretty stacked with these bad performances. It's one thing when you've got bad players making big money, it's another when they're blocking good youth from playing. Currently, everyone is stroking themselves numb about Viciedo and De Aza and we frankly have no room to bring them up. We have Brent Morel splitting time with Teahen, and Lillibridge fighting Quentin for playing time.

And we can't trade anyone.

Oh yes, we have holes to fill. We need a better CF. We need a better catcher (I like AJ, but come on). We need a better RF, and we can put whatever's left at DH. But let's face it, Dunn and Rios cannot be moved. Even if you bench them for the rest of the season, you need to trade pieces to make room for them.

The only possible pieces I can see the Sox moving are Quentin and Edwin Jackson. Jackson became expendable when Humber came to life (at a fraction of the cost), and Quentin seems to have peaked. I mean, yeah, the guy can carry you when he's hot, but when was the last time that happened? Quentin should be filling the role of DH or LF on a team, not RF.

Let's do a hypothetical here. Let's say that the Braves make a move for Quentin, and the Sox get some prospects. Viciedo gets the call up, plays RF. Is that actually better than Quentin starting there?

Monday, July 11, 2011

Fucking Warhol Museum

(Hank Willis Thomas, Something to Stand on: The Third Leg, 2007, Courtesy the artist and Jack Shainman Gallery, New York)

My buddy Horse sent me this picture from the Warhol museum in Pittsburgh - apparently, they have an exhibit open now on masculinity and sports and this is one of the pieces of art on display.

Um, are you kidding me? Number one, this shit isn't art (or you can call us "artists" for making up our logo 2 years earlier) and number two, this fucking Hank Thomas guy is straight up stealing our shit.

/quick google search on Hank Willis Thomas

Can we get sue for a billion in royalties? I bet that museum makes at least like, $100, and we would settle for somewhere in the $5-10 range (exponentially increasing our current revenue from this website). I'd also make a deal to settle for no cash but our "piece" gets a spot in the exhibit... it's only fair.


Sunday, June 19, 2011

About that last post...

Losing a season of Derrick Rose in his prime would be like destroying a Mozart symphony before anyone had ever had a chance to hear it.

I could watch this all day:

Into the Void

It's finally here.

Hell on earth.

After an incredible past 2 months, the best NBA season in the past decade is now officially over and a compelling NHL playoff run just ended with the Bruins winning the cup for the first time in 39 years.

Every sports fan knows about the annual sports gap (the 2-3 month period between the NBA playoffs / NHL playoffs and the start of the NFL season and MLB playoffs). Normally, this period is broken up by the NBA draft in June and occasionally the summer Olympics will pitch in to keep people from going insane.

This year is the bleakest sports void in recent history:

1) The 2011 NBA draft sucks monkey balls. This is the worst draft I can remember since 2000 (top 5 picks: Kenyon Martin, Stromile Swift, Darius Miles, Marcus Fizer, Mike Miller). Nobody gives a shit. Oh, and a bunch of small-market teams that might not exist in a year have all the top picks.

2) No Olympics or USA basketball.

3) The NFL dispute will force the 2012 season to be cancelled or at best shortened.

4) The NBA is facing a lockout in 2012.

That leaves us with the possibility of NO FUCKING SPORTS until the World Series and then baseball AGAIN next spring.

As a fan, I'm pretty tired of being shit on all the time. I don't want to spend $75 to go to a game for shitty seats with no view, get overcharged for parking, concessions and merchandise all while having to sit next to a bunch of animals and spend hours in transit. The NBA/NFL is a product- you have to make it worthwhile for people to spend the money.

With alternatives becoming more and more appealing (HDTV, 3D TV, etc) these owners are facing fierce competition to fill their ridiculously large/overpriced new stadiums and match their projected revenue (which, like the assumptions that caused the housing crisis and market collapse, owners assumed that fans would keep spending more and more money forever, sheep being sheep, regardless of anything. And like the housing crises, the general public / fans are the ones who are going to get screwed).

The NBA is in a tough spot - recent negotiations gave the players too much leverage and now even good owners who field a competitive product still lose money (see the Spurs). This will require a significant overhaul and possibly contraction/re-location. Not pretty and will not be resolved quickly.

The NFL issue is all about greed. Owners and players are making money hand over fist and their going to fight about each penny until everyone loses out. There is no right side here (although the players deserve better protection and long term health care, since they give up like 30 years of their life to play in the NFL), I'm pretty sure everyone can go fuck themselves.

So, here we are. Welcome to the desert of the real. Feel free to send in suggestions on how to fill the void. Right now, I'm leaning towards extreme fly fishing and ESPN Classic.

Alternatively, I might just kill myself. Or Jerry Jones.


Sweet Kyuss cover.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Gambling Like the Pros

When you play in poker tournaments, you generally are looking for the weak link. The guy that sweats, the guy you can read, and the one who clearly doesn't have it in him to stay awake for the long haul and really just needs to go home before he falls asleep on the table. There's all kinds of faces, and frankly, with only baseball left to watch, I gotta do something to keep my brain awake.

In the world of poker, your Chicago White Sox rotation lines up something like this:

The Old Man: Mark Buerhle
There's always some guy who's a legit veteran. You think his eyesight is going. You think he doesn't have what it takes anymore. For all you know, he's got Alzheimer's and he forgot where he is. Even so, you respect the hell out of him based on reputation alone, and you never take your eyes off him. He's a snake in the grass, waiting to strike at a moment of weakness.

The Bluffer: Edwin Jackson
You've got a guy who doesn't even know what his cards are, but he feels he's gotta be in there. Gotta play the hand, gotta get in there, and come on strong. In baseball, the guy can throw crazy breaking pitches and laser beam fastballs, but without the precision and control, it's just as risky.

The Random: Phil Humber
There's always a guy at the final table who has a huge chip lead, but you just don't know how the hell he got there. Most likely going to get taken for a ride by a wily vet, this guy just might surprise you. When you play poker online you're even more likely to find this guy just hoarding cash and jerking off at the same time.

Monday, June 13, 2011

No Sympathy For The Devil

Still doesn't care...

3 new facts:

1) Chris Bosh is a stud. Most consistent player throughout the playoffs, played big when it mattered and was clutch on both ends of the floor. Bill Simmons can eat his words. Also, this makes me at least want to like him:

2) Dirk is now in the discussion for #2 PF of all time. He just leapfrogged Barkley, is neck and neck with Malone (slight edge for winning a ring as the best player on his own team) and isn't too far behind Duncan (needs a repeat). I would have barely put him in the top 7 or 8 before the season.

3) LeBron is exactly who we thought he was. He's been the golden child since he was 13 years old with nothing but adulation and adoration his entire career (life?). He's always been able to do whatever he wants, however and whenever he wants - everyone else is just lucky to live in his world. He coasts, he whines, he quits and he's petty. He is a man-child (albeit an exceptionally talented one), and we the fans/media created him. We should not be surprised to see his essentially absent performance in games 5 and 6 reflect his own untouchable, infallible concept of himself (if he's not losing the games personally, then he's not a loser).

I don't care that he's missing some of the key traits you tend to see in a real champion (killer instinct), it's his lack of self-awareness that drives me crazy. The guy has no conception of how absurd his persona has become.

Sidenote: I predict a huge wave of LeBron fans as part of a counter-culture movement next season ("I love that guy! He's all like fuck you, I'll play where I want and how I want, you can all kiss my ass. He's so anti establishment!"). Right now, he's basically the nWo-version of Hulk Hogan and he's selling the hell out of it (and we're eating it up)...


Tuesday, May 31, 2011

New Sport

Let's try this for next year, eh?

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Pity Injury

It seems that Tony Pena is suffering from a mystery ailment. I'm no doctor, but I'm willing to bet that being fucking terrible is the likely culprit of this condition. Known symptoms are: continuing to suck, not having a breaking pitch, inability to consistently hit the strike zone, and making the rest of the White Sox bullpen look good.

The hard luck loser here is Phil Humber, who gets put into the bullpen. That's right boys and girls - the guy who has been our best starter this season has just been sent to fill the void in the bullpen. Granted, we all knew that this "six man rotation" bullshit wasn't going to last, but everyone here knows that Edwin Jackson has been the weak spot in the rotation. Our starters have been amazing for the past month - why fuck it up now?

Damn you Tony Pena.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Life goes on...

A valiant effort after a great season but the Bulls just got their asses kicked out of the playoffs by the foot of the devil himself.

As much as I hate LeBron, he just played one of the most dominant series I've ever seen. Miles between him and Rose at this point (although Rose is only 22 and doesn't have nearly the help that LeBron has on him team). Just for comparison, I'd love to see this Bulls team play last year's Cleveland team. I bet we would have beaten the shit out of them.

Nevertheless, I think Joe Noah sums it up nicely (thanks Barstool):

Hollywood as hell, bro.

A few observations to carry us through the offseason:

1) Loved the hard Boozer foul on LeBron. Should have been doing that all series. Unfortunately, because he's such a cheap, inflammatory asshole, he managed to jump start the Heat's comeback. I'm pretty sure I hate him.

2) Let's not get ahead of ourselves on Rose's "choke" - he's missed 2 FT's in the last 2 games total. He's our only offensive option being guarded by a) the best defensive player in the NBA who has 5 inches and 100 pounds on him and b) 2 other guys at all times.

3) How much do we wish we'd signed Bosh, Amare, Gay or Joe Johnson rather than Boozer? Not looking good with 4 years left on his deal.

4) Kudos to Luol Deng for having a great all around series. He did a nice job on LeBron and kept us in every game. Always under-appreciated but all-around the most consistent player on the Bulls.

5) We're probably going to see the Heat in the ECF for the next 5 years (barring significant injury) so we better figure out a way to beat them. Tweaking the roster isn't gonna do it.

If it's any consolation, if not for this once in a lifetime all-star Heat team, the Bulls would probably have won the NBA title this year. We would have matched up really well with the Mavs. Could have been the beginning of a Rose-dynasty for the next decade. Depressing.

This is a going to be a long offseason, especially if there is no NFL season. Oh, and 2012 NBA might be cancelled too. Is there not enough money out there for these greedy bastards? Ray Lewis and I are going to have to crack some skulls...



Flat out bullshit.

This is considered good basketball? This is considered a "heads up play"?

Fuck this, get me some motherfucking football. I would rather watch holocaust porn than watch that shit get applauded in a basketball game.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck

Monday, May 23, 2011

Why I Hate Basketball


That, right there, is why I hate basketball.

In what other sport are you not only able to be a gigantic pussy but are ENCOURAGED to do so in order to win? I mean, look at LeBron there - he is 100% flopping. The only way that could be a bigger flop is if he were advertising Gigli and the Rapture at the same time. Flat-out bullshit.

You try that in any other sport, and you become a pariah immediately. In football? You want to claim that the bad man hit you? Shut your fucking face or you will be annihilated. Ditto for hockey - you stop play in hockey because you're missing too many of your teeth for you to close your mouth without gagging on the blood. Anything else and you play through it. Hell, people frequently come close to death in hockey and play doesn't stop until the guy is near death.

The only other sport you can even come close with is baseball (let's face it, this is America, and therefore soccer is only good for watching the hot ass that the players import). In baseball, the only injury you can fake is pretending to be hit by the ball when you weren't. MLB is a non-contact game played by some incredibly out of shape people. Case in point, Mo Vaughn.

Take the picture already! All this standing is wearing me out...

Basically, baseball players are also floppers in their own way. They claim to lose balls in the ivy when they're too lazy to make a play, they need 40 minutes between swings to adjust their batting gloves, and they often take themselves out of games due to poor conditioning. Even with all of that, these guys are basically having bullets fired at them. Bullets that can kill people, ruin careers, and break bones. Frankly, if you get hit by a fastball, you deserve a base.

Basically, fuck you basketball and your goddamned flopping.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Game 3: The Kingmaker

This is where we fight!

Game 3: tonight at 8:30ET.

Important things to note (ie: the only things that matter):
  • In a 7 game series, the team that wins game 3 wins the series 76% of the time.
  • In the first 2 games, whichever team had the rebounding advantage won the game.
  • The Bulls are the best rebounding team in the NBA (by differential). Miami is 3rd but almost 1/2 as effective as Chicago.
Let's not make this any more complicated than it needs to be: Barkley said it, Kerr said it and even Simmons (despite his man crush on LeBron) agreed: the Bulls are a better team than the Heat, top to bottom. We have more weapons, a deeper bench and more consistent defense.

The old mantra will always hold true: the better defensive and rebounding team will typically win. Game 2 was honestly a fluke - we shot 34% from the field, barely over 60% from the line and missed 17 layups (including Rose going 0-7 from inside 10 feet) and yet it was still a close/winnable game.

In a series with some very interesting subplots (good read from Wojciechowski here), this should be a relatively straight-forward series. The Bulls are the better team, the Bulls should win the series. I thought it would be Bulls in 5, now I guess it should be Bulls in 6.

Fuck the Heat.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

America's Bulls

Hop on, plenty of room.

After a long hiatus from the Dong (and nervously obsessing over the Bulls the past month), I was inspired to get back to work thanks to an awesome text message and a great line from a friend at work.

First, the text message, from my friend Raanan who I haven't spoken to in over a year. He's from Cleveland.

From Raanan: 10:18am
"Please do not let that asshole make the Finals"

That was pretty awesome.

Then at work this morning, my buddy Scooter rolls in to recap the game and he says:

"This is no longer the Chicago Bulls, it's the America Bulls. Nobody in their right mind wants that egomaniac to win a title. This is the best and last chance to stop him, maybe for a long time."

Then I read Bill Simmons' article about Phil Jackson and reminisced about the Jordan days. How Jackson was able to control Jordan's intensity and obsession with winning and keep it from consuming his teammates (otherwise, he would have absolutely destroyed guys like Will Purdue, BJ Armstrong, Toni Kukoc etc, who could never live up to his expectations). Jordan was like a nuclear reaction- you could harness the energy to do incredible things, but it was dangerous.

Which leads us to tonights ECF game 1.

The Bulls have the best defense left in the playoffs, the league MVP and enough weapons to beat anyone. We've seen star-studded teams flail in the playoffs a million times. We all know it takes a full team and a cohesive strategy to win titles. We should have nothing to worry about in this series, except for the fact that LeBron James, possibly the greatest player since MJ, is on the other team. After plowing through the Celtics, he seems unstoppable (not to mention Wade/Bosh are probably the best 2/3 options in the NBA).


LeBron isn't Jordan.

LeBron has never shown that level of intensity on or off the court and hasn't been able to flip the "kill mode" switch needed to win championships. Maybe it's because he's too friendly, or maybe it's because he cares more about having a good time than winning. I don't think LeBron can carry them when it's needed (maybe Wade can) but a champion needs a true leader. At this point, I'm not convinced LeBron can be that guy.

Bulls in 6.


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Talk about some Chicago Sports!

I mean, just wow!

We see what could possibly have been the biggest comeback ever from a Hawks team that should have been dead in the water after game 3, and they take it down to the wire with some ridiculous goaltending from Crawford.

Oh, and how about them Bulls? Tired of having to deal with this bullshit of close games? LUOL DENG - ACTIVATE. The Dong just lobbed up a steamy pile of jizz on the Pacers, sending them home and allowing Derrick Rose an extra few days to ice his entire body. Even with the foul trouble (Noah has 4 fouls pretty much every half), we are not to be trifled.

Then, we have the White Sox winning not one, but TWO close games against the Yankees. Yesterday's game came down to the fucking wire, with Brent Lillibridge making not one but TWO sick plays. Check out this game ender! And he came in as a PINCH RUNNER.

And then there's the Cubs, who have dropped three straight. Anyone else getting those double dream feet? I know I am!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Shame Is My Middle Name

To further prove the point, here is a clearly stolen image

So, you may notice that we don't write a lot. You may also notice that when we DO post, it is intermittently strewn between contest giveaways and weird posts that seemingly have nothing to do with anything. Said posts are generally tagged with "just paying the bills." I mean, let's face it - the amount of pants I go through from watching the Sox is pretty impressive. I shit a lot. From excitement. Because our team is good. Yeah.

Fact of the matter is, we don't want to do you wrong. However, we do like money, and frankly, the fan interest has subsided a bit. We know we've been naughty - the Sox are good, the Cubs are bad, the Bulls are great, there's a football strike pending...all sorts of shit! And here we are, jerking off, and doing ads. Yeah, we suck.

We can do better. We will do better. Also, show some love.

RuPaul's Drag Race

Contribution by Prince Raymond

You have probably seen him and remember his face. Just think about a certain male strutting down the street in platform heels, and you know who I am talking about. Yes, this infamous individual is named RuPaul. RuPaul is a transvestite who has made himself famous simply for being a transvestite in popular culture. For years, RuPaul has set the stage for all sorts of transgender humans. On his new reality show, "RuPaul's Drag Race," RuPaul grades transvestites as they compete against one another to win the crown of being the best transvestite on the show.

The first time I saw this show on my DIRECTV, I thought it was crazy. I thought that I was watching "America's Next Top Model," but then I had to do a double take to realize these were not models on the show. Instead, these male like figures were actually men dressed as women! This show definitely seems like a scene taken from Shakespeare's "As You Like It," where a male dresses up as a female and vice versa. There is definitely a reversal of gender roles on this show, so a person should probably be comfortable with that sort of thing to enjoy this show. This is one heck of a crazy show, but it is definitely an entertaining one to watch. I love this show and am addicted!

Monday, March 7, 2011

The Soxman Cometh

Crush. Kill. Destroy.

You know what time it is boys and girls? It's time for some motherfucking baseball. Normally, I'd be picking up all sorts of interesting tidbits on the news about the Sox and Cubs and I'd probably have some sort of semblance of how our team is shaping up and where to find some gems this season. Instead, I live in New York now and typing "White Sox" in Google returns the question "Are you sure you didn't mean, 'fuck the red sox?'"

Even so, I'm going to do my best to be excited about that other team that wears black and white on their uniforms. Let's take this one step at a time:

The Pitching:
I'm not even being overly optimistic when I say that the White Sox have one of the top 5 rotations in all of baseball. In terms of sheer expectations, I rank Mark Buerhle as the fifth starter. You think I'm crazy, but look at this:

1. Peavy
2. Jackson
3. Danks
4. Floyd
5. Buerhle

That is a fucking filthy rotation. The only "weakness" we have is proneness to injury. Aside from that, the Sox are flat-out stacked with guys that are either dominant or wily. Love it.

The Lineup:
Hey, remember when the Sox destroyed people with Rios, Konerko, and Ramirez last year? Let's add Dunn to the mix, and holy shit:

1. Pierre
2. Beckham
3. Rios
4. Konerko
5. Dunn
6. Quentin
7. Ramirez
8. Pierzynski
9. Teahen

Again, that is flat-out filthy. Sure, this has a few more question marks associated: can Beckham rebound? Are AJ and Quentin washed up? Will Dunn adjust to the AL? Is Teahen worth two shits? And so on. So what? Fuck you. On paper it's good.

A little trickier here. You know there's a problem if I can't name all the Sox bullpen pitchers without looking it up, but as is my understanding, it's something like this:

RP - Crain
RP - Ohman
RP - Pena
RP - Santos
RP - Sale
CL - Thornton

A little too much dependency on Ohman and Pena for my taste, but still not a bad 'pen. Seriously reminds me of '05 a little bit (in the sense that we need Ohman and Pena to become Cotts and Politte of '05 inexplicably). Even with those weaknesses, if Pena is the worst guy in the 'pen you could do worse.

Also not looking bad! Not sure who the Sox are going to use this year, but I suspect the Opening Day roster will include some combination of Vizquel, Viciedo, Morel, Castro, Lillibridge, and De Aza. Most likely Viciedo gets stuck in the minors and maybe Lillibridge (the former being too inflexible defensively, and the latter being too much of a spaz offensively). Look for Morel and Vizquel to back up the infield as needed with De Aza and Lillibridge cleaning up in the outfield and Castro serving as the backup catcher for AJ.

Maybe Flowers and Viciedo get called up in case of emergency, but you could do worse.

Bottom Line
  • Excellent rotation
  • Very good lineup
  • Acceptable bullpen
  • Acceptable bench
  • Cut Marquez already

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Topsy Turvy

Incidentally, this is what Kyle Korver's asshole looks like

The Bulls just lost to the Hawks? Brian Anderson just got the loss for the Yankees? The Cubs are fighting in the dugout?

OK, maybe that last one isn't so weird, but WTF IS GOING ON HERE PEOPLE!?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Thursday, January 20, 2011


Saw this one on barstool sports today, then got it emailed to me about 1000 times. Also, CSN wants you to know that modern bar stools are available (and a great prop to use when picking up dudes at the Manhole):

I was thinking of flying back to Chitown for this epic battle but the average ticket price for the game is $869. So, yeah, I'll be watching on TV like just about everyone else.

A few key things to watch:

Penalties: In week 3 (when it mattered), the Pack got called for 18 penalties compared to 5 against the Bears. The same ref (McAuely) is working the game on Sunday, and we'll need all the help we can get.

Donald Driver: The Packers have the deepest and most diverse WR corps in the league with Jennings, Driver, Jones, and Jordy Nelson. Every one of those guys can burn you but Driver is the one I'm worried about. We tend to have a tough time defending big physical receivers and our cover 2 is going to force a lot of short slants - we'll contain Jennings deep but Driver has great hands and can run after the catch. Tillman can hang with him but he has been known to miss the occasional tackle... can't have any mistakes on Sunday.

Israel Idonije: In a weird way, Idonije's game will define the defense: Peppers demands a double team (especially with their weak LT), Tommie Harris is playing really well right now and Melton/Adams is always solid. If Idonije can bring pressure from the other end, Rodgers is going to be uncomfortable all game. A few hits big hits from Idonije and they may be forced to run the ball more than they'd like (and yeah this Starks guy is pretty good, but nobody runs on Urlacher/Briggs).

We'll be live tweeting during the game (@luolsdong) taking any and all questions!!



Sunday, January 16, 2011

Talk About High Stakes

"Swear to me!"

First off, before I go into batshit crazy mode, let's take a second here to recap understand what has happened. The Bears allowed the Packers into the playoffs by not finishing the job in Week 17. Instead of watching the Giants get steamrolled by the Eagles (or Falcons), we have watched Green Bay fight against the odds to make it to the NFC title game. Likewise, with a commanding win over the Seattle Junior Mints, the Bears are in the NFC title game as well.

Has there ever been a more exciting Bears-Packers game? Answer: NO. 1941 gets second place, but come on. Winner goes to the Superbowl. Loser goes home. Holy shit.

I'm not going to sit here and break down both team by position. That's stupid. The game is always close, both teams always leave it out on the line, and no matter what happens, you never feel like anyone dogged it.

This is for more than bragging rights. THIS IS FOR THE FUCKING SUPERBOWL. The very same Superbowl that will NOT feature the Colts or Patriots. This is a Superbowl against the Jets or Steelers - two teams that rely on a strong defense to win, but are both certainly beatable. We could very well see the Superbowl winner come out of next week's game.

Tickets are $500 a pop and rising. Who's with me!?

Keggers is Experiencing Technical Difficulties

File Photo

Sorry for you folks that had to see him like that. Frankly, the poor guy gets a little riled up when it's time for Bears playoffs. I mean, did you see that last post? The whole thing was one jumbled paragraph of lunacy. I'm sure last night's dominating win over the Heatles didn't help his mental state (he was last seen running naked down the streets begging Derrick Rose to copulate with him).

Enjoy the game, Bear Down, and we'll be with you to celebrate or drink heavily.

Here's hoping for one hell of a Bears-Packers game next week.