It's time.

Bingo.

In a noon press conference on Monday, Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith announced the team will pursue the services of free agent veteran quarterback. Coach Smith said the Bears expect to get Cutler back late in the year, but still anticipate signing an additional QB to backup Caleb Hanie, saying, "The plan is to look for a veteran, preferably." (here)

Fuck movember it's now neckbeardvember. All of Chicago needs to grow a thick, shaggy neck beard and petition to bring back our prodigal son... (frighteningly, this actually makes a LOT of sense).

Next stop: Super Bowl.

-KEG

Belated Orton Praise

"MY ROYAL CAPE FLOWS LIKE MY ROYAL JELLY!"

Just a quickie - Kyle Orton is better at beating up on the Lions than I am. This is not saying much, but at least it gives us another week to gloat about how good he's playing. He honestly looked like he thought he was redshirted, because he was setting up his plays like he had no pressure and it was just another practice. Accurate deep balls, stepping into his throws, and lots of poise.

Make us proud, Kyle, keep winning, and I'll have to find more things to add to this photo.

What The...

I HAVE A SCEPTER NOW! KNEEL BEFORE YOUR KING!

I don't quite know how it happened, but the Bears beat the superior and less mistake-prone Eagles. Not only did we win with some surprisingly clutch defensive plays, but our drunken savior threw for three touchdowns. Three! That's, like, half as good as Brett Favre! If that doesn't deserve some additional bling for Ortonia, I don't know what does.

Granted, the touchdowns that were caught were all receiver efforts to catch up to shitty passes (especially the diving play by Olsen to catch up to a total turd). Orton spread the ball around as usual, ensuring that no Bears receiver closes in on fantasy relevance. Likewise, having a receiver as fast as Hester allows Orton to overthrow passes without fear. This may finally be a consistent way for him to stretch the field.

Oh, and I think Brandon Lloyd got hurt, but I didn't really get a chance to get the scoop on it what with Charles Tillman getting hurt every 5 seconds. Is it just me, or does he wind up being "helped off the field" at least once every game?

Ugh - Bearing Down Indeed

"BERNARD GO BYE BYE IN SKY NOW!"

Well, if Sunday's suckfest taught us anything, it's that this offense wouldn't be any better with Bernard Berrian right now. Not only is Berrian nursing some aches and pains, but I don't think even Devin Hester could catch up to Orton's overthrown passes. Berrian, we miss your time spent in the Grossman era, but having you here does nothing.

Also, Brandon Lloyd made some Orton turds look, well, catchable. I especially like the badly underthrown one (which one was that?) he caught behind his helmet for a big gain. If you were listening to the game on radio (or on TV for you blind readers out there that get the Dong in your daily Braille Mail), all you heard was "look at the great adjustment Lloyd made on that pass by Orton." In English, that means that Lloyd had to change directions in mid-air and backtrack for an underthrown wobbler.

Still, how about that second half line, eh? Aaron Rodgers can suck it!

Our Fearless Leader

Pizza Hut! Pizza Hut! YAAAAAAY!!!

Did we seriously just embarrass the Colts last night? The Colts run game that anally abused us in the Superbowl we held to less than 50 yards on the night - pretty good when the main guy there is Joseph Addai. Not only that, but we pressured Manning on every play (granted, with Saturday out, a rookie Center is not going to help him any) and even grabbed him for a few Bursa Sacks.

The headlines you'll be reading today will be talking about Matt Forte and our defense, and how without them we'd have been screwed last night. I'll tell you a different story - one about a man with poise and quick thinking who led this team to victory. He converted on 3rd downs where we needed them most, and kept the offense cool and level-headed in a tight situation. You know who I'm talking about...

"DANCE FOR ME, MY QUEEN!"

The Neckbeard Cometh

I'm not sure what I'm leaning on, but DAMN I make it look good!

It's going to be a year of softly thrown short passes and inaccurate mid-range tosses for the Bears, as Kyle Orton was officially named the starting QB. Due to Orton's poise in what we can pretend to call a "pocket" (I prefer to call it a time bomb), as well as his quick thinking (Mean people coming! Kyle get rid of ball now!), we're now in Ortonia, and he is our king.

I'm sure Kyle is studying that playbook hard right now...

"Hey, I'm fucking royalty now or something like that. Who wants to fuck royalty? YEAH!"

Decisions Decisions

This came out looking like some sort of retarded flag.

With football season just around the bend, it's time to face facts: we're not going to be getting anyone other than Orton or Grossman to lead these troops downfield. Favre is going to stay in Green Bay or go to Minnesota - we're not really in the running for this one.

So, between our two "leaders," which one do we want to win the job? Let's have a look at the candidates:

Rex Grossman:

Pro: Rex knows this offense. He worked it to a T in 2006, and made himself the first relevant Bears QB since Jim Miller was a tolerable bye-week option in Fantasy Football. He has the best arm of either QB, and when he steps into his throws, can be relatively accurate as well. Rex likes to use the TE's on the team, which is (sadly) one of our better recieving options, and can occasionally engineer a drive by himself. Rex is also in the midst of a contract year, so it wouldn't be surprising to see a burst of intelligence and poise. He's got a lot going in his favor this year, too. Vote Rex in '08.

Con: Rex knows this offense...and by "knows the offense," I mean "had sex with it." If there's anyone who can fuck a season (or anything, for that matter), it's Rex. Wounded ducks, the retarded ostrich, and of course, "Fuck it - I'm throwing it downfield." If you ever want to see an offense self-destruct as quickly as it can, put Rex at the helm. The Sex Cannon ignores targets on the short route, totally misses the deep routes, and he won't have Berrian to catch up to his turds this year. Oh, and did I mention that he's injury prone?

Kyle Orton:

Pro: Everyone who reads this blog knows my throughts on Orton. He's younger, faster, and neckbeard-ier than Grossman will ever be. He's not afraid to do exactly what Ron Turner wants, and as a result, he may be the shining hope that will finally get Turner's ass fired. Orton has solid pocket presence, has some ability to scramble, and has shown significant improvement every year. He's not going to be a 300+ yard 2 TD+ player. Hell, you'll be lucky for 150 yards and a TD, but his conservative style helps keep the ball moving instead of turning it over every 3rd down. Did I mention he has a career record of 12-6 (including the 2-1 he went last year)? Vote Kyle in 08.

Con: Jesus Christ, people! It's KYLE ORTON! If getting drunk were a sport, I'd make Orton my first-rounder (after Robert Downey Jr. and Courtney Love), but as an actual QB? Let's be serious for a minute. I don't think the guy has ever topped 250 yards in a game, I don't think he's ever thrown 2 TDs in a game (intentionally), and he routinely maintains a QB rating of about 60. He's even less accurate than Grossman on the deep routes, and doesn't have the arm strength to back it up. At least Grossman has upside.


So, who've you got?

Commercial Shoot #1927

Hi there, I'm Bears QB Kyle Orton.

I just wanted to let all of Chicago know that since I signed a recent extension, I'm going to be "in the huddle" for the starting QB job next year.

And then when I don't get the job, I'm going to get absolutely tanked at every nightclub in Chicago.

Cut! Cut! Kyle, what the hell are you doing!? Read the script!

Oh, I guess I let my mind wander a bit then -- sorry.

Orton Commercial, Take Two!

Hi, I'm Kyle Orton. I just wanted to let all of Chicago know that I'm going to be bringing my "huge package" to the offense --

Cut! Jesus Christ, Kyle! I can't help you if you don't concentrate!

What was wrong with "huge package?" It's like a formation, get it? You don't want me to say "Shotgun" and scare kids and parents do you?

Just read the script! We don't have enough film or time for you to be screwing around.

OK, fine, sorry about that. I've got it now.

Orton Commercial, Take Three!

Hi, I'm Kyle Orton. You may remember from such seasons as "2006: that year the Bears almost won everything" and "2007: the year that was all Rex's fault." Well, I'm here to tell you that after my recent contract extension, I'm going to be making whoever does start look great. Isn't that what teamwork is all about?

Go Bears.

Cut. Sigh...print it.

Counterpoint

You say Neckbeard isn't the answer? You're joking, right?

Keggers, you mentioned almost everything I like about Orton, but you forgot to mention a few key facts:

#1. Look at the way Orton plays the game: he scrambles under pressure to make the throw, and if there isn't a throw, he holds it until there is no chance of there being a play and then tosses it out of bounds. He can run, he can pass, and he can grow facial hair. He's a smart QB, and he plays like it.

#2. Look at how Orton used the offense yesterday -- EVERYONE got involved. I think if St. Clair had caught a pass, every single person to record a reception this season would have had one on Sunday. He spreads the offense like his monstrous bukkake, and works the field deep and shallow.

#3. Orton IS style. This guy parties like no other, looks like he's having fun on every down, and generally has a goofy-ass grin on his face. Do you know the other QB with a perpetual grin? Tony Romo. I expect Orton's numbers to eclipse Romo's next season based on that fact alone.

You were right about one thing, though:
Neckbeard isn't the future. He's eternal.

Orton plays drinking games with Hester over the Bears offensive playbook.
Get on the bandwagon.

The Bears are good?

Fucking Kyle Orton.

The Neckbeard lead us to victory yesterday, putting together back-to-back wins and throwing 2 excellent looking TD's to Bradley and Hester. He stayed in the pocket and only had one turnover (no injuries either). He also looks a million times better than he did last year, both football-wise and body-wise (he lost like 1 keg and 5 Heineken's). I'm also gay and into hairy alcoholic 3rd string QB's.

But still.

I REFUSE to get on the Kyle Orton bandwagon.

Yes, I am aware that his career record is 12-6. And yes, I know we've gone 2-1 since he took over the starting job.

Nevertheless, the neckbeard is not the answer. And worse, now we have a legitimate QB controversy.

How easily we forget... in 05 when Orton went 12-5, he also finished with the lowest quarterback rating in the NFL (59.7). In the last 3 games, we've been playing at near full strength and our defense has been getting progressively better. There may be some truth to the idea that Orton, as a safe and reliable option, reduces the turnover ratio and gives the defense some time to rest. Regardless, throwing an INT on 3rd down isn't that different that going 3 and out. There are too many variables to claim Orton as the reason for our 2-0 finish.

Honestly, I like that he's improved and working hard to secure his job but he's not a superbowl QB- and that's all we should be looking at right now. Go sign McNabb. Sign Grossman for another run (you remember him? The guy who led us to a 13-3 record and took us to the superbowl last year?).

If we go with Orton next season I will be his biggest fan and grow out my very own neckbeard, but I think it's the wrong move and puts us in a bad position going forward. It's so hard not to get on this guy's bandwagon too... he's ridiculous looking, does nothing but win, never complains and keeps his neckbeard for entertainment value. I love him but I just... can't.... do it.

“For we walk by faith, not by sight'."

Vote of Confidence

Best news ever.

In honor of the ascendance of my favorite QB of all time, I have put together a short montage of Orton highlights:

Here is Kyle, showing steady hands and great balance (note the 2 cups in his left hand). This is early in his drinking career (note the missing trademark neckbeard) but you have to respect the mess on his shirt (4 out of 10), showing he’s not shying away from getting a little messy if the situation calls for it. This also shows that he is a man that doesn’t drink, he chugs. I respect that.

In this snapshot, we see Kyle sporting the infamous neckbeard that made him a fashion icon a few years ago. That beard is absolutely spectacular- pubic, yet luscious. He’s batting about .750 here with his “fake homo” dance pulling 3 hotties on 4 sides- the chick in front of him just can’t get enough grade A Orton beef. He’s also getting really into the music (look at his face!) which shows how sensitive he can be… I imagine that’s where he gets such a soft touch on his screen passes despite his rocket arm. Also note the massive bottle of Crystal he got for HIMSELF. With Kyle, it’s go big or go home.


Shirt mess= 8/10. That chick= 10/10. I also think that might be Mike Piazza on his left but nobody seems to give shit when The Neckbeard is in the room.


This one basically speaks for itself. We can assume the shirt mess was 10/10, hence it’s omission altogether.


P.S. I just read this quote from Lovie on chicagobears.com:

“We have the Vikings up this week and I really can’t look any further than that,” Smith said. “Again, I do like what [Orton] could possibly bring. We had the chance to work him with the look squad all along. He’s been going against our defense all year. I’m excited about that. But we’re not looking any further than this game.”

This HAS to be the most non-committal, pathetic endorsement I have ever read from a head coach. I like what he could POSSIBLY bring? He’s been going against OUR DEFENSE (30th in the league) all year? We’re not looking ANY FURTHER THAN THIS GAME??? Jesus, give the kid a break! Brutal! I can’t wait for Monday… DA DA DUH DUH, DUM DUM, DUM DUM…