Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Bold Predictions

"Hey - it worked for Drew Bledsoe!"

I'm just going to come right out and say it - this year is the year of the Grossman.*

There's no joke, no punchline, no nothing. Almost all the offseason pieces are in place for the Bears, and if there's one thing that has become clear to me, it's that Sexy Rexy is due for an absolutely huge year.

How huge?

28 TD's, 20 INT, and 3500+ passing yards in 08. Book(er) it.

Why the sudden vote of confidence? After all, this IS Rex Grossman. The guy could hurt himself taking a shit ("Double-ply toilet paper?! NOOOOOO!!!") and has shown anything but consistency. He's the Anti-Crede when it comes to clutch, refuses to take the short pass, and often winds up headfirst into the turf.

So here's why I'm voting Rex in '08:

#1. Different recieving crew. This isn't the "I'm Mushin Muhammad now throw me the fucking ball" show. Marty Booker and Brandon Lloyd bring two crucial elements into the mix for the Bears. Booker brings offensive experience - he may not be as fast as the guy who caught over 100 balls in 2001, but he knows the system, and he still has good hands (something Moose left in Carolina). Lloyd brings a serious speed threat, and although he's no Bernard Berrian, he has the ability to get open and he can stretch the field to give Booker a little more room to breathe. Without Berrian as his security blanket, there's a good chance Grossman tries to use more of the offense. Of course, this would mean nothing if not for...

#2. Kevin Jones. I am SO excited about Kevin Jones**. Name the last Bears RB who caught more than 36 passes. Stumped? Thomas Jones in 2003. 2003!!! That's five years removed from any sort of a pass-catching back. Kevin Jones' reception total in 2006: 61 receptions and 500+ yards. That's a short game for Rex if I ever saw one. Instead of doing the panicked dumpoff to someone who clearly doesn't know what to do with the ball, and may not be able to catch at all (see: Benson, Cedric), KJ can catch the ball pretty much anywhere. Well, that is, if he stays rested up...

#3. ...because Matt Forte will be the lightning to his thunder. A two-back system worked wonders for the Bears in '06 (it made Benson look good!), and any offensive scheme that allows the Bears to bring in a fresh set of legs in the 3rd quarter is OK in my book. This keeps defenses honest, and afraid of the run at all times (something no one feared from the Bears any time in the recent past). For reference, see Dallas this year (Marion Barber will still be Marion Barber, but don't expect the 4th Quarter annihilation he brought on by chilling behind Julius Jones happening this year). But the best part about the running game is...

#4. The offensive line sucks a little bit less. A little less suck goes a long way, you know. Chris Williams is definately a step in the right direction, and Chester Adams (G) or Kirk Barton (OT) could definately help fill gaps in an offensive line that needs a push in the right direction. Speaking of pushing...

#5. How about Greg Olsen? Did everyone forget about the sure-handed TE who spent a good chunk of his offseason honing his blocking skills? That gives another blocker on the line, another sure set of hands, and someone to open up yet ANOTHER lane for Desmond Clark, Rex's favorite target, to make another impact.

So, in short - Grossman will have an entire field filled with viable targets who can CATCH. He'll have defenses watching the run, he'll have more time behind the line, and he'll be playing for a new contract.

Bring on the Hamburgers.


*This article becomes null and void in the event that Grossman gets hurt at any point this season, is traded, cut, or loses the starting job to Orton or another QB. In the event that Kyle Orton becomes the starting quartback, please apply the word "Neckbeard" throughout this article liberally.


** This assumes that Kevin Jones isn't crippled, isn't slow, and isn't nagged by injury. Just saying.

10 comments:

Rusty said...

Wait... does this mean you believe Lloyd and Booker to be an upgrade over the Moose? Bartender, I'll have what he's having.

Gepetto said...

How many passes bounced off of Moose's hands last year? How many times did Grossman force the ball to him in double or triple coverage?

Keggers said...

I love you Gepetto but those are the most ridiculous predictions I've ever seen.

Booker/Lloyd might be the worst 1-2 WR combination in the league. Ever. Like, all time worst. Old, declining possession reciever and a moderatley talented mid-career reciever who couldn't solidify a starting spot given every possible opportunity.

There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to this season... the passing game is not one of them.

Gepetto said...

Oh, and I forgot to mention the "bonus" use of Hester, Davis, and Bradley.

I'm pumped.

Fisting Andrew Golota said...

Hey, you guys hear about the new Metallica album?

Gepetto said...

The one that looks like your asshole?

Rusty said...

I heard Kevin Jones just strained his right labia. That's the one he uses to catch footballs. He stretches it out like a bat wing, using the sticky residue to corral wounded ducks from Rexington Steele. Looks like you can kiss those 65+ catches goodbye.

The Metallica album that looks like your asshole?

Brad said...

Wait, cougar is FAG? No way!!

Gepetto said...

I think the Sex Cannon has enough sticky residue for the entire TEAM, let alone one player

Fisting Andrew Golota said...

I like how every 3 months, another one of you notices that my name on here abbreviates to FAG. Clearly none of you are comparing notes. And yes it was intentional.