Sunday, July 13, 2008

Memo to Brett: Fuck Off

If you give him money, he'll just come back for more.

Look, Brett, nothing personal, but stay the fuck away from the Bears. We remember the "good old days," the "I'm going to bend the Bears over and anally sodomize them" days, and that was all well and good while it lasted. You routinely violated us, got a superbowl title out of the deal, and generally made us hate football season two weeks a year.

Even with your text-messaging prowess and ability to make Aaron Rodgers contemplate suicide every July, you're just not the same QB anymore. The Packers have moved on (obviously), and now you're like that old grandpa who talks about the "good ole days" back when the Packers used to win superbowls and a nickel could get you a sandwich and a ride on the trolley. Much like grandpa, everyone is waiting for you to die so you'll just go away. They're not going to give you your release, because they spent all that money on putting you into the old folks home. They're not going to start you because your bones makes noises akin to Rice Krispies at each snap.

And then there's this business about Favre going to the Vikings or Bears.

First of all, no, we don't want you. Go away. Do we need a quarterback? Sure. Is it going to be you? Not a chance in hell. You'd get booed worse than when Ron Santo played for the White Sox (It really happened), and you'd probably find a way to sabotage our team worse than our current QB situation. More importantly, we already have Favre Jr. in Grossman - why should we pay more to add to your HoF INT totals when we can start building his?

"Rex do good"?

This is your big chance Brett - don't go to the Panthers or Vikings, and stay away from Chicago. Just retire! You could be on everyone's good side in Green Bay, get something named after you (Somehow the "Brett Favre Boat Rides" sounds much better than "Wendella Boat Rides"), and occasionally provide meaningless sports commentary like Cris Carter does for ESPN. Why are you making this so difficult!? I was hoping that you would stay a Packer forever...kinda like what Jeremy Bentham did for UCL.

Put me in coach - I'm ready to play!

So please, Brett, go away. We don't like you, we don't want you, and there's a seat with your name on it at a bingo table somewhere.

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