Sunday, May 31, 2009

Raimster was on the Price is Right...

Nice jersey Shaimster...

Long time no post, (sorry!)

So much going on, not enough time to write and can't choose which topics to cover.

Let's do some catching up and provide some weekend leisure reading:

1) Carlos Zambrano is insane.

Zamby threw a temper tantrum last week and went psycho on the gatorade machine in the dugout with a baseball bat. Video here.

Playing for the Cubs really brings out the best in people - I think this is the third time the gatorade machine has been destroyed since last season (Dempster and Ramirez).

2) GREAT article by J.A Andande from ESPN on the infamous Hue Hollins - Pubert Davis foul in 1994 here.

3) Bears sign IzzyIdonije and bring Tinoisamoa over from the Rams. Great news all around. We need some depth at LB and Tino is a hustler and a ball hawk. He'll probably spot start with Hillenmeyer but having him, Briggs and Urlacher will make us a lot more consistent. You'll notice the contribution in our run D with Mike Brown gone.

4) Derrick Rose probably cheated on his SAT. (here)

Nobody cares. You don't have to be able to read or write to win games. If you've ever heard him get interviewed, you know this story is true. Kid could NOT have scored higher than a 500.

5) Sox chasing Roy Oswalt (here).

I swear to god if this bastard no-trades us, I will burn his house down.

6) The TPC gets married this weekend!

The glorious TPC bites the bullet this weekend. We all wish him luck and godspeed (what, 2 pumps isn't fast enough?).


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Three Strikes You Out

Two Wins, One Cup

You know there's a problem when the most meaningful quote from the game is this:

“How do you eat a whopper?” Piniella asked before the game. “You eat it one bite at a time, you don’t swallow it whole.”

Wow, Lou. That's deep.

Hoffpaiur and Fontenot kept the hit attack going, and Fukudome blasted another HR in a 6-1 Cubs win. I don't count this game as "breaking the losing streak" because I'm sure that the Cubs would have found a way to lose in the remaining three innings (rain delay wins are for sissies).

Other than that, who would have guessed that Sean Marshall would be the most consistent of all the Cubs starters? Zambrano spent a chunk on the DL, Harden is on the DL (first of many), and Dempster/Lilly have been flat out erratic.


If Chris Getz needs to stay in the starting lineup, he needs to do two things. One is to start adjusting at the plate, and the second is to kill Jayson Nix. Nix hit two big HRs in a 4-2 win over the Angels. Bartolo's Colon was stretched a bit, working into the 7th, but otherwise had yet another masterful performance.

Signing Colon on the cheap was probably the best offseason move of any club. Seriously.

Also, the resurgence of Alexei Ramirez (8 hits in his last 4 games) has been remarkably helpful, and he's showing unusual patience at the plate (3 walks tonight puts him just 5 away from his 2008 total). Frankly, I'm liking the way this works.

And MOST IMPORTANTLY, today marks the 7th consecutive game with Brian Anderson in the lineup. For those of you keeping score at home, that makes the Sox 6-2 since Anderson came off the DL, and 4-12 when he was on the DL. If anyone else thinks Anderson magically causes the Sox to win, regardless of his performance (e.g., 2006), this is further proof.

Monday, May 25, 2009

The feud continues...

Love him or hate him, Raimster is a loyal member of the Dong (Donger? Dongite?) and has earned the privilege to send me hate mail.

If you're keeping up with the blog, we're in the midst of a little disagreement regarding the awesome city of Chicago and the sphincter that is Pittsburgh.

To summarize: Pittsburgh has a historically shitty baseball team and can't afford an NBA franchise. The rest of the argument was a little confusing, so I'll conveniently ignore it.

The newest installment from Raimster McShaim:


Dear DonkeyPornLovers,

Here's what I think of when I think of Chicago: Balls.

See, balls can be wonderful. Toys, even. They can be loving and tender, warm and safe. But balls can also be shriveled and hurtful, embarrassing and disdained. Chicago has such a rich tradition of flat streets, one iconic athlete in the last 30 years, and pizza. But you losers ruin it the same way you ruin everything. You're pessimists. You call it the Windy City and not something more gleeful, like the Breezy City or the Airy City. This is Marketing 101. Lousy negative nancies, you are. Like the picture of my wife you so dutifully exposed to your seven precious readers last week... Sure, she smells like ass and her farts may or may not have caused Katrina, but she's a real peach. Instead of exposing her exposed and sore thighs to the world, why not show the people a picture of the girl who sits next to me every year as I watch my precious black and gold consistently go 7-1 or 8-0 at home.

Kegs, jump on that fast... She turns 17 next week.

Chicago constantly takes the good and makes it bad and that is their facts of life. Which brings me to my next point.

When thinking of the differences between Chicago and Pittsburgh, you can pretty much sum it all up in the TV shows set in our beloved cities. The City of Steel is home to Mr. Belvedere, a wholesome sitcom family, adolescence, and, of course, sports. Mr. Belvedere was raw at times, dare I say racy, but never grotesque or hotheaded. I'd buy any one of the countless high-collar sweaters that covered Tracy Wells' possibly mountainous chest. It ended after a mere 8 seasons, constantly leaving viewers wanting more, not unlike Tracy Wells' sweaters.

Chicago, on the other semen-stained hand, is home to Love and Marriage, a hilarious-if-you-think-a-dude-sticking-his-hand-down-his-pants-is-consistently-funny show about pretty much nothing. The show was annoying every episode. It wasn't just on for a long time. IT WAS ALWAYS ON. It failed to make even a young Christina Applegate appealing and should have been a two minute skit on SNL. Had it been, I probably would have laughed.

In conclusion, I don't regret the day in 1994 I sold my Pirate soul to the devil in exchange for consistently great teams in my other sports.

Don't listen to the TPC, lovely residents of Beaver Falls, Aliquippa, McKeesport. You're a city of winners, optimists, and, most importantly, Mr. Belvedere.

4 hours till Buhrle v.Karstens

Sh. McB.


So, after shutting out the butt pirates in the first 2 games (6-0), the buckos manage to steal one in the 9th inning of game 3 to salvage a 1-2 series with the ChiSox (despite the Pirates superior record (come on, the NL is a joke anyway). To reverse quote Bobby Jenks:
"The way I look at it is if I blow one out of every 11, and if I get 44 chances, that's a pretty good year."

...And if you put together a good team one out of every 30 years, that's a pretty shitty franchise.

There was also a wonderful article in ESPN this week, outlining the decades of shittitude that the Pirates have had endured since skinny Bonds. A delightful read. 

Sidenote: it's Married With Children (not Love and Marriage, you fuck) and it kicks the living shit out of Mr. fucking Belvedere. And for your information, senior uninformed, Ed O'Neil (aka Al Bundy) was a stud football player in college and was signed by none other than the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1969 as an outside linebacker. Look it up on Wikipedia, babydick.

One last note to our loyal readers - do not allow the hot chick in the Steelers shirt to sway your allegience (uncle Keg will always take care of you):


Friday, May 22, 2009

Peavy Update

Looks like we have a new DBOTW...

Thursday, May 21, 2009


(The entire Bears receiving core just jizzed themselves)

I could not be more excited, WE ACTUALLY HAVE A QUARTERBACK!

Dong minions, get ready for serious Chicago Bears football and get up to the minute twitter my balls updates from the Dong.

(Keggs couldnt care less about this picture, how sad)


How YOU doin'?

Work prevents me from being on top of shit, but PEAVY!? Seriously?!

Where did this come from!

The Sox are sending Poreda and Richard for Peavy (actually, pretty fair. Both Poreda and Richard have potential to be a #2 or 3 starter), and are only waiting on Jake to approve the trade. There's just so much potential here.

On one hand, you have Peavy. Peavy is no doubt a lights out killing machine. He's under contract for a while (2013), and the Sox could no doubt use an ace like Peavy to go along with Buerhle, Danks, and Floyd to create one hell of a deadly 4-some. On the flip side, Peavy is from the NL, and plays for the Padres in their mammoth ballpark. The Cell is less than kind to flyballs, not to mention that we have that whole "DH" thing.

More importantly, eating Peavy's contract will come with ramifications. Keep in mind that Quentin and Danks are very close to free agency, and will be seeking beefy contracts. If that money goes to Peavy instead, you can probably kiss them goodbye.

Likewise, I don't know how much of an improvement in the roation Peavy will be over Richard. I like Richard A LOT. He's like my pitching equivalent to Brian Anderson (btw, record with anderson post DL? 2-0). Richard has been groomed to start, is capable of starting, and could easily be a 4 starter on most clubs AS IS. Given that he's young and has room for improvement, he could easily bump up in value (cheaper too).

Also keep in mind that Poreda, while Jewish and dominating in the minors, may not translate to ML success. I'm not saying not to do the trade (obviously in Peavy's hands now), but I'll bet we're talking about this one again - even if it doesn't go through - halfway through 2010.

Douchebag of the week

(Mazel Tov! This is a picture of Raimsters Wife)

Hello Loyal Dong readers,

Welcome to the weekly addition of DBOW!

This weeks choice is very special for me because it is my friend, Ramister Mcshaim.

Raimster had the audacity to rip on Chicago sports and flaunt it on the Dong. No one disrespects the dong, NO ONE.

Shaimster, Shittsburgh is a second class city with about the ugliest fans in the world. Not to mention, besides Crazy Mocha and my sister, there is nothing in the town worth saving. Consider this, would it even make front page news if Shittsburgh was wiped off the map sodom and gomorrah style?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Roundup: Tuesday 5/19

Hawks lose an ugly one in OT to the Red Wings, giving them a 2-0 lead in the series. The Hawks outplayed the Red Wings every step of the way, but just couldn't get the results. The Red Wings, on ther other hand, took advantage of a Brian Campbell fuckup to get a 3-1 matchup and an easy goal. Khabibulin may be one heck of a goalie, but he just didn't have his best stuff.

It seems our go-to plan to be competitive is to give Kane the puck and let him find ways to work Toews into the excitement. Let's push for a big Hawks comeback in game three, because we need it.

The White Sox actually won a game (first in five straight losses), which means only one thing:


That's right motherfuckers - Brian Anderson is back! Even though Anderson did little to spark the offense with a 0-4 performance, he did play two pivotal roles in the victory. One, he kept Brent "I'm Just a Pinch Runner for Chrissake" Lillibridge out of the lineup. Two, he actually played Center Field, something that this team has been missing since he went on the DL. Buerhle pitched a great game, and the offense seemed to be content with a non-Quentin lineup. I'm OK with this for now.

Joel Pineiro? Really? Isn't this the same guy who had 5 ER against the shit-laden Pirates lineup last week? The Cubs and their 11 kajillion dollar team should be able to put a dent in this guy, but alas, they get 3-hit as Pineiro cruises to a complete game shutout...and lowers his ERA a full .75 in the process.

Not much to report here, otherwise - the Cubs squandered their best chance when Soriano got picked off, and while Lilly didn't pitch as well as Pineiro, he wasn't bad either. Hey, at least Kevin Gregg worked a scoreless inning - there's a first time for everything right?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

We Suck

I just don't know if I can take it anymore! It's been so long since I've seen a White Sox team this...this...BAD. Frankly, we're downright terrible. We have two starters, three hitters, and a lot of spare parts. Rather than suffer through watching them play (because if you've been trying, you know it's downright depressing), maybe some good can come of this after all.

For example, a trade deadline firesale. That would be AMAZING. Let's face it - this year was supposed to (and needed to be) a rebuilding year. As much as Kenny wants to say "we're always in 'win now' mode," you can't just magically have players continue to be good as they age...unless you shell out the big bucks. Since we're not going to do that, we have to start cleaning house - something I've been begging for since early last year.

Just off the top of my head, Thome, Dye, and Contreras all strike me as people who should not be on this team next season. If we can get someone to eat some of their salaries while we're at it, that would be fantastic. Dye should bring in a legit return (think Homer Bailey or a "just waiting to make the AAA->MLB jump type player), and Thome should be good for a couple AA prospects.

Likewise, if we do clean house at the deadline, we can start giving the younger players a chance to develop. Currently, we're already moving in the right direction showcasing Fields, Getz, Anderson (when not in the doghouse), and Ramirez. The next step is to get Fields nice and comfy in a 1B/DH role because he sure as hell can't handle a glove, and start bringing in some extra youth for the infield. If Viciedo is ready next season, that would be a great start. Jordan Danks, Tyler Flowers, Brandon Allen, and John Shelby are also names that should be receiving an extended look.

As for the pitching, we have guys that have been waiting long enough - Richard just claimed the 5th starter job (and he will succeed - just watch), Adam Russell is close, and Poreda is just a few brain cells away from being MLB ready. Hell, even Jon Link and Kelvin Jimenez could be worth a look.

I'm not sayting we're "rife with talent." I AM saying that if we're going to waste a season, at least waste part of it on the future instead of riding the broken down horses to the end of the race. Turn the underachievers into glue and go make yourself a nice popsicle stick house or something.

Yeah, I'm not sure where that analogy was going...

Monday, May 18, 2009

Adam Burish, Almost Headless Hawksman

I mean, shit, that was pretty close to being the coolest thing ever.

If you're into that shit, here are some other close calls:

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Damn you Raimster McShaim

I got this entirely entertaining email today from my friend/nemises who hails from Pittsburgh, PA.


Dear smelly douchefarts,

Beware of the 'Wings. But beware-r of the Pens. Be careful what you wish for when you match up against Osgood and crew Sunday afternoon. You know from the Winter Classic that Detroit is tough, experienced, and disciplined. You may not realize, however, that the team you will see in the Finals, should you shoulder past the defending champs, is both tough yet finessed, experienced yet youthful, disciplined yet reckless. I know you can't look past the conference finals; it'd be silly to. But I hope you spent the last 2 weeks of outrageous rest at least glancing at your brethren in the East to ogle the city storming in from the annals of a recent Super Bowl win, slashing through their historic rivals (Flyers and Caps) in glistening fashion, frothing at the mouth for their next victim. The Pens are ready to exorcise last year's cup loss. But should you eliminate Hossa & Friends, Inc., Sid the Kid will be waiting for you.

Now, we didn't need much motivation to beat the Philadelphia. But Alexander Semin gave us some extra bulletin board material and Coach Cowher is doing the same for the upcoming series. Clearly, if the Red Wings make it, the repeat factor from last year will be enough to boil Geno's blood. But, you Hawks fans, you haven't enraged us...yet. In fact, there is no rivalry here, whatsoever. Bears/Steelers? Illini/Pitt? All we got is the Cubbies/Bucs and, as we all know, beating up on your dyslexic, ring-wormed, lupus-of-the-brained brother is nothing to brag about. I have no doubt your stupid asses will say something stupid though. And you do not want to piss off LeTang.

So fly past Detroit, we'll take care of 'Lina. Let's meet in the Finals. I'm warning you though: You've never seen a Penguin's Dong before. It may be just a sack of testes, but it's not something you want to mess with. See you in 2 weeks.

Steely McStanley Cup


Now, in most cases, I'd just do what I normally do when someone tries to piss me off: kill their parents, shit on their bed and kill their pets. However, when it comes to the infamous Raimster, it's not so simple.  He doesn't have any pets.

It's also much harder to talk shit when the Hawks just got whooped by the Wings in game 1 and we're the underdog in the series (as opposed to the Crosby's, who are favored to go to the cup).

Aside from some purposful omissions that bolster the argument (you shitsburgites don't even have a basketball team), I have to agree - it's a really good time to be a Pittsburgh fan.

Now go back to rooting for your second rate team (let's be honest here, nobody really gives half a shit about hockey) and sit on your hands until football season.


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Yes, Joe Noah is awesome

OK, OK, OK, stop sending us emails! Yes, we know, we're not the fastest blog in the world but after "tip" #2342353245 we decided we might as well join the fray and get these up, especially because they're great PR for my favorite Bull:

Passing a doobie (it's cool, it's the offseason)

That is one GANGLY motherfucker

Look at his face. Jesus. He gives hope to ugly men everywhere 

Notice how much hotter this picture is without his ugly mug in it. Regardless, she is hot as hell.


Anyhoo, thanks to Horse and Brad S for the first tips, maybe one day we can employ people full time who can get these up from a place called NOT-work.

Regards to loyal Dong minions everywhere.



I honestly don't even know where to begin here. Whether it be the true-to-life performance of Lincoln or the retard freak cash babies, I'm just at a loss for words.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009



Back to the (wrong) Basics

As written by the author of "S is for Steriods" and "U is for Moises Alou's Urine"

After four games without a homer, the Sox decided that maybe - JUST MAYBE - finishing in the top 5 for homeruns hit over the last decade may have had something to do with winning (longest drought since...April 2005?). Case in point, the Sox hit three homers last night, and managed to win (Cubs hit two last night, and also pulled out a win...but who wants to talk about those guys anyways?).

First of all, what the hell is the deal with the Sox and ex-Royals pitchers? In the last three years, I can think of at least SIX ex-Royals relievers on our team (Sisco, MacDougal, Dotel, Carrasco, Hanley Ramirez, and most recently, Jimmy Gobble). Seriously - what is Ozzie's obsession with picking up Kansas City's crap!? With Richard and Carrasco both pitching a chunk of innings, it looks like the next 5th starter will be Lance Broadway (full rest) - otherwise Ozzie is going to be using two players to get through five innings again next week.

Second, can we talk about this "brilliant" lineup Guillen trotted out? If I haven't stated this before, Brent Lillibridge should not be starting. Ever. I don't care if there's a nuclear holocaust and all of the players are dead - Lillibridge sits his ass on the bench until a pinch-runner is needed. Instead, Ozzie decided to trot out Podsednik AND Lillibridge in the worst defensive outfield I have seen in a long time (since...last week).

Why do you mock me, Ozzie? Why do you refuse to start Alexei Ramirez in CF (where he is probably our best defensive option), but instead bench him to start Nix instead? Why not let Getz play the outfield too? As is my understanding you have six guys to play three infield spots tolerably (Nix, Getz, Ramirez, Betemit, Fields, Lillibridge), meaning that you can play the hot hand (Fields, Nix, and Getz) and put the remaining players (like Ramirez) in the outfield if they are qualified to play there. Don't just play the hot hand and then bench a talented defensive player who needs more at bats to get his swing back on track.

If things don't clear up for this team, I'm looking to deal the vets at the All Star Break: Dye, Thome, and Colon get dealt to bring in young pitchers and a legit outfield prospect (imagine having Jeremy Reed or Ryan Sweeney back...that'd be nice right about now). Who's with me?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

It's Not a Toomer

If there's any team that needs help at wideout, it's the Bears. Amani Toomer is a lot of things: he's the New York Giants' all-time leader in receptions, he's consistent, and for some reason, the Bears are interested in acquiring him.

And they're about to make a horrible mistake.

Even though Toomer seems to fit on paper, there are dozens of reasons that he just doesn't belong on this team. Here are five:

#1. He's at the end of his career.

Toomer isn't the same guy who caught 60+ passes every season from 1999 to 2005. It's been 12 years in the league for Toomer, and he's spent all 12 with the Giants. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, and if you're going to bring in Toomer and expect him to be the WR1 the Bears need, you are all sorts of wrong.

Even in New York where the receivers were plagued with injuries (David Tyree) and stupidity (Plaxico Burress), Toomer was slowly but surely phased out of the offense. A measly 48 receptions highlights this, along with a disappointing average of 2.9 Yards After the Catch.

There's a reason that he's been receiving little to no interest as a Free Agent. Oh, and did I mention that he's going to be 35 at the start of the season?

#2. He doesn't fill our need.

The Bears obviously wanted Torry Holt (they even went through the trouble of signing Orlando Pace to lure him in), but Holt went to the Jaguars. Instead of looking for another player with the qualities of Holt, the Bears went to look for a player that's even older.

Torry Holt is not only a veteran presence, but he runs sharp routes with excellent hands. Holt may not have the speed anymore, but he can do the rest. Toomer is definately a veteran presence, but he just doesn't get the rest done. If you want an older player to sit there and be old, give a contract to Cade McNown or even Curtis Enis - I hear they're both available.

#3. He blocks our youth.

One of the most exciting things about the Bears this season was the fact that our offense has a youthful core. Cutler, Hester, Forte and Olsen are all poised to be a young and exciting group that plays off each other for years to come. Throwing in Toomer looks more like a rent-a-player than grooming the rest of the talent.

Players like Earl Bennett and Brandon Rideau both have a great chance to make an impact on this team; signing Toomer will almost surely result in a two-year deal that blocks both of them. Haven't we been down this path before with Mushin Muhammad?

#4. We can do so much better.

Plaxico Burress, Marvin Harrison, and Brandon Lloyd are all on the market, and all have been infinitely more effective that Toomer in recent years. Brandon Lloyd made some amazing catches for the Bears (under Kyle Orton, no less), Harrison showed that he still has some juice left, and Plaxico has proven that even though he's an idiot, he can account for an entire team's offense.

Also, there's this "Anquan Boldin" fellow who I hear is not only the best receiver in all of football, but he's very eager to get out of Arizona. If this isn't a match made in heaven, I don't know what is.

#5. Eli Manning is better than Kyle Orton.

This is really the most damning reason of all: Eli Manning has been everything the Giants could have wanted over the past few seasons. Competent, good pocket presence, and a relatively accurate passer. To contrast, the Bears had the living nightmare of Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton splitting time last season.

The difference between Rashied Davis and Amani Toomer in 2008? 13 receptions and 100+ yards - the equivalent of two weeks that Davis missed (week 15 and week 16). You don't bring in a name-player to become the worst receiver on the team.

Cutler has the potential to make the Bears a legitimate contender. He's one of the top five QBs in the league, and he improves the skills of everyone around him (Brandon Marshall is not going to be a happy camper next season).

Let's hope he's improving someone else's performance.


If you didn't watch the Hawks game last night, you're a jerk. Plain and simple.

Patrick Kane hit a hat trick, Dustin Byfuglien deliberately punched a guy in the face, and the Hawks pulled out a gutsy effort to finish off the Canucks: 7-5.

First of all, who the hell scores 7 goals on Roberto Luongo? That's just unheard of. Some weird puck bounces definitely played out in our favor (watch Kane's second goal), but scoring 7 against Luongo - let alone 7 in a HOCKEY PLAYOFF GAME - is already insane. Way to take advantage of the Power Play.

Speaking of play, talk about high octane! I don't think I've ever seen a game with that much action, insanity, or generally efficient play. Sure, we had our fair share of guys splattered against the boards (and vice versa), but it was generally clean play with minimal stoppages...except for goals anyways.

Speaking of that Byfuglien punch, skip to the 1:15 mark to see what that looked like. Well, it was actually more of a "guy skates into my fist" sort of thing, but it was still pretty funny. Other notables include a routine shove that resulted in a Hawks player getting caught in the door hinge, and some plays that are not yet on YouTube showing guys getting up-ended.

Great game, bring on the Ducks/Red Wings.

Monday, May 11, 2009

At least the Hawks have the right idea

Might need a new banner after this season

With the Blackhawks going nose-to-the-grindstone and pulling out a big win, it makes me wonder what the hell the baseball teams are doing right now. The Hawks don't have the injury problems the other teams do (although after seeing Kane and Toews get splattered about 20 times in the 3rd period of Saturday night's game, I'm surprised they don't), but it's not about the roster - it's about heart.

"Falco, this team needs heart...and I need the number of that chick from the bar. You know who I'm talking about."

Instead of putting up a fight, both the Sox and the Cubs have been laying down in the mud to die for the past couple of days. Sure, there were some wins that came out of it, but realistically, both teams should be lucky with the wins they have.

I don't even know where to start here. Trading DeRosa to free up the contract for Bradley could still pay off, but right now the Cubs are starting a paper-thin infield of Aaron Miles, Theriot, and Fontenot. If any one of those three guys gets hurt or need a night off, there's going to be all sorts of problems (Freel isn't even healthy yet, and the next in line is Bobby "How Did I Get Here" Scales).

Next, there's the interesting case of the rotation. First of all, everyone and their mother should have known that Ryan Dempster was due for a harsh dose of reality - he's got the potential to be good, but he never should have been as good as he was. It was like Jon Garland in the first few months of the '05 season - just completely out of character. Likewise, Lilly and Harden have been streaky (and I still fully expect Harden to take a trip to the DL soon - have I mentioned that you never EVER trade with Oakland?). Zambrano is also out for trying to be a hitter when he should have been a pitcher. And the bullpen? Please. Marmol and Gregg are the most "consistent" out of the 'pen with only two heart attacks per 5 IP. Oh, and for those of you keeping score at home, Michael Wuertz has a 1.62 ERA with 14 K in 16 IP with OAKLAND. Yikes.

It's so depressing I can hardly stand it. Not only was Brian Anderson sidelined after a hot start, but with Wise also nursing injuries, Brent Lillibridge is seeing daily action (Ozzie refuses to put Ramirez in CF...why?). Lillibridge is the equivalent of a fantastic dump - you don't mind looking at it for a little bit to marvel your handiwork, but then you realize the fumes have killed your cat and you flush it away. You don't sit there and let the shit permeate your home - which is exactly what Lillibridge is doing.

Next, you've got the problem of the "free swingers." Alexei has a swing as long as Luol's Dong, and it's making him completely useless. Josh Fields is also showing less patience than the beginning of the season, and don't even get me started on Lillibridge again. All in all, it makes for some serious rally-killing, as the only guys who DO get on base are too slow to take more than one bag at a time. I still think we should trade as many vets as possible at the deadline to take a legit shot at being a 2010 or 2011 contender.

Finally, the pitching staff is JUST Buerhle and Danks. Floyd has been as erratic as I feared he would be, showing that a curveball just isn't enough to get it done. Likewise, Colon has just run out of gas (pun intended) in most of his starts, providing 5-6 solid innings of work but not much more. Contreras is just godawful, and is likely done barring a remastery of his forkball. And instead of calling up Poreda or giving proper rest to Clayton Richard (who has been groomed as a starter since...forever), Guillen is looking at Broadway or Carrasco to pick up the slack. Welcome to the 5th starter black hole once again.

The Rest:
The Bears are rumored to be interested in Amani Toomer - if you can't get Torry Holt, why not get the older and slower imitation? Maybe he'll bring in a veteran presence.

Jeremy Mayfield became the first NASCAR driver to fail a drug test. What the fuck do you need to take 'roids for in NASCAR!? Is the wheel that hard to turn? Did you need a few extra feet off of your victory backflip? Do you need to hold the car up during pit sessions? Jesus you're dumb.

Look how much faster I can go!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Douchebag of the week

(You my friend are a huge Douchebag)

As you all know by now Manny Ramirez is a total douchebag. He along with the other superstars of his generation have disgraced the once great game of baseball. With all of the top stars juicing, it has tainted(hehe i said taint) every single player. I would love to believe as keggs pointed out that Griffey, The Big Herhsey Squirt and Thome are clean but with all of this shit I dont believe it.

In addition Manny is a fucking douchebag for torching the Cubs last year when after every game he was injecting horse hormones in his baby dick. Thanks for ruining our best chance in A FUCKING CENTURY!

(I guess they didn't get the baby dick memo or they wouldn't be smiling like that)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

A few short thoughts

The famous Dr. Dong Dong, PhD (not be confused with Do Dong, or Lin Dongdong)

  • Mark Buehrle had a no-hitter into the 7th. That's kind of like spending 2 hours downloading porn and losing your internet connection before the facial.
  • The Blackhawks won an amazing game in OT to tie the series. Martin Havlat continues his Ben Gordon impersonation towards the end of games. Both guys are in contract years too... 
  • Drew Rosenhaus has a Twitter account. Sad. I thought the Dong nation would get a kick out of a recent tweet from Drew:
"Free agent QB Rex Grossman has been training hard on a daily basis and is looking forward to signing with a team in time for OTA's."
  • With Manny Ramirez testing positive for being an asshole, that leaves Griffey, Thomas and Thome (all ChiSox) as the best non-cheating power hitters of this era. (Since Vlad Guerrero wasn't on the Sox, he has been thoughtfully ignored.)

Have a nice weekend homos.


He-Man Will Save Us

By the power of GaySkull!

Greg Olsen is known for a lot of things - he's young, he's learning, he's been taking Jay Cutler drinking, and he's the Bears' real-life version of He-Man (just look at that hair). One thing that doesn't get much recognition is just how much Olsen is going to thrive in the offense with Cutler around.

Just having a good quarterback isn't enough to give a team a passing attack. Look at the Raiders - they've gone through QBs like tissue paper (Culpepper, Collins and Brooks to name a few) and have nothing to show for it. Having a guy who can throw the ball is only half the battle.

Having a guy who knows the system and is spending time with the new QB?


If there's one thing Greg Olsen has to his name, it's his amazingly soft hands. Olsen was targeted 82 times last season (second to Hester's 91), but unlike Hester, turned 54 of those passes into completions. That's a 65.9% catch percentage - better than the 57.1% catch percentage Cutler had with Brandon Marshall last season.

Now, I'm not saying that Olsen is going to be thrown to 182 times in a season like Marshall, but with Hester as the established deep threat and Forte hoping to return in a short yardage role, the 5-10 yard passing range is all Olsen's for the taking.

Look for Olsen to continue his steady rise to success this season and completely bust the door open on last year's statistics. 70 receptions and 700 yards? Hardly out of the question.

Having a guy who can catch the ball and stretch your passing attack?


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Reason #482,493 that I hate the Cubs


Yesterday was all kinds of failure

Blackhawks Lose: Luongo is a fucking monster. He sets up IN the net, and then goes backwards. Long story short, you're just not going to get the puck in normally. To contrast, Khabibulin looked good, but not good enough. Blackhawks lose 3-1, Keggers loses his 5:1 on Toews, and the Blackhawks go into Game 4 losing 2-1 in the series. Shit.

Cubs Lose: Marshall gives it the old "grade school try" in a game where picking up the pace after the first inning means nothing. If the Giants manage to score three runs against you with Lincecum on the mound, the game should probably be over. Samardzija was just the nail in the coffin, people (and how dumb are you guys going to feel about dumping Vizcaino for this guy when you realize Neal Cotts is the worst pitcher ever?). In other news, Fukudome has one hit in his last 15 at bats (his last good game was April 28th with 3 walks and a base hit) - notice that this slump coincides with Keggers picking him up in our fantasy league. Traitor.

Sox Lose Miserably: First of all, this game was 4-1 at the end of the third inning, and it looked like the Sox offense could do no wrong. Then Gavin Floyd, apparently trying to make up for the fact that Javier Vasquez is no longer on the team, decided to cough up the lead with 6 ER. If I'm Ozzie, when I see Floyd get into trouble with a 7-4 lead, I call the bullpen. Instead, Oz let Floyd finish the inning (getting two more earned runs). Matt Thornton (who hasn't looked quite right this season if you ask me) then gave up the tying run in the 7th, and then an amazing thing happened - NO ONE COULD FUCKING HIT.

I would complain about Ozzie not taking out the less effective hitters for pinch hitters, but the depth is so thin right now you're looking at putting in Danks as a pinch hitter. For the remaining innings (through extras), Sox relievers were especially erratic (all walked at least 1 batter, the majority walked two). Worst of all, you know that Ozzie wants to go to bed when he puts in Lance "I throw meatballs" Broadway to handle the 11th. I would rather have ANY member of the bullpen go out there. Yes, I know Richard just threw, but what about that fat guy? Bobby...something? When was the last time we've heard from him?

All in all, a VERY frustrating day.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Strange Choices

Number of losing seasons since 1978

Earlier this week, the Cubs retired #31, as used by Greg Maddux and Fergie Jenkins. Both Maddux and Jenkins had stellar careers, and are both probably worthy of having their numbers someone. Now, what I don't understand is why they chose to retire these two over anyone else (aside from getting a cheap "2 for 1" deal on number retirement) - especially since it seems like they waited about 20 seconds after Maddux retired to get this set up.

First of all, let's get one thing straight - Maddux was an absolute monster. He pitched with his brain and let a 88 MPH fastball fool some of the best hitters in baseball. He certainly played for the Cubs enough (he was on the team 10 different times), but do you award a player for the amount of time he spent on a team, or where he achieved his accolades?

If you're going by where Maddux did his work, the answer is obviously Atlanta. Maddux pitched a great year for the Cubs in '92 (and won a Cy Young), but the reality is that Maddux absolutely wrecked the competition for the next 10 years as a member of the Atlanta Braves (including a batshit insane stint in '94 and '95). If anyone should be retiring Maddux, it's Atlanta - don't retire the number of a guy who did his best work for the opposing team. If you're going with that logic, why not retire Bruce Sutter's number or Rick Sutcliffe's (both of which were great acquisitions, but not really "Cubs" players for their careers)? What about Andre Dawson?

As for Fergie, he was a monstrous workhorse. In both cases he certainly spent a lot of time with the Cubs and had his best years as a Cub...but is it enough? Fergie spent 8 years with the club, amassing a Cy Young and some impressive stats on an otherwise futile Cubs team. Still, I can think of a few more deserving candidates that "Bleed Cubbie Blue."

Mark Grace: 12 years with the club providing consistent hitting, defense, and mad skills. Grace had a career average over .300 with the Cubs, and in an era of ridiculous homerun hitters and juicers (especially when one is on your team), hit no more than 16 in any year on the way to becoming one of the most prodigious hitters in Cubs history. Oh, and other than that little tail-end trip to Arizona for three short seasons, Grace spent almost his entire career with the Cubs. That's gotta be worth something, right? Oh, and did I mention he was absolutely sick in the playoffs?

Sammy Sosa: Sosa will be remembered for a lot of things - the fact that he couldn't find Right Field unless the patch of dead grass was there to direct him, the face that he "accidentally" used a corked bat in a game, and the fact that he needed an interpreter day. Point being, Sosa also happened to be the face of the Cubs for 12 years where he hit a then-unheard of number of homeruns, followed by that bullshit kissing and tapping the chest business. Yes, he's a dick, yes he likely used roids, but if you're going to award a player for time spent with the team and a prodigious career while on it, he's your guy.

Got a better suggestion than these two? Hit up the comments.

Monday, May 4, 2009

In Defense of Hulk Hogan

"Hooooly shit, I'm on so much steroids I can't feel my balls!"
Since his recent interview with Rolling Stone (and the quotes from it that were taken out of context), there has been some serious controversy surrounding the mighty Hulk Hogan. For those of you in the dark, it went kinda like this: Mr. Hogan was asked about his acrimonious divorce and his wife's subsequent hookup with a 19-year-old, and responded with the following:
"I could've turned everything into a crime scene, like O.J., cutting everybody's throat...You see a 19 year old boy driving your Escalade, sleeping in your bed, with your wife. I mean, I totally understand O.J."
This was immediately followed by the sound of feminists, the political correctness crew, and shit-stirrers everywhere muttering:
Let me be blunt: anyone who takes offense with this statement is retarded First off, it was obviously intended to be a joke. I thought it was funny. Some of you probably thought it was funny. Shit, Orenthal James Simpson himself probably got a good chuckle out of it on the golf course (while looking for Nicole's real killer, of course).

Also, the operative phrase in that quote is "I could've." As in, "I could've...BUT I FUCKING DIDN'T." Some people seem to have missed that. That whore's lawyers even asked for a restraining order against the Hulkster, just in the event that he tries to do EXACTLY WHAT HE JUST TOLD YOU HE'S NOT GOING TO DO. These douchecocks are taking up valuable courtroom time that could be spent on something more important, like Gepetto's upcoming sodomy trial.
Like Nicole Brown, Linda Hogan seems to live life by the philosophy of "hey, lets see how much I can piss off a large professional athlete with substance abuse problems." If it struck his fancy, Hogan could easily tear her flesh apart like a yellow undershirt. She is lucky that she is fucking with the Hulkster and not O.J. or Mike Tyson. Because then, she would most likely be dead.

And lastly: who can blame the guy? The Hulk is a not a saint by any means -- his cheating ways are well documented, including his current relationship with a chick who looks exactly like his daughter. But his ex has gone out of her way to cut his balls off in public, while spending all of his money as well. Think about what YOU would do. Shit, I've killed several of my exes for far lesser offenses. Not everyone has the stomach to make nice with his ex-wife's new boytoy like Bruce Willis did --although I'm convinced that he's going to throw Ashton and Demi off the Nakatomi Tower any minute now.

End rant. Discuss.

Friday, May 1, 2009

This post will change your life

Remember when you were younger? (When you didn't play hide the salami in your parent's bathroom and cry yourself to sleep every night, clutching your junk?)

All of us have had that moment in our youth; you know, where you heard/made up a hilarious joke, and it was your personal duty to spread that joke around. And - son of a bitch - you never got the proper credit for it, did you? You'd overhear it on your family vacations, in school, in the glory hole stall next to get the point. In all those cases, you'd think to yourself... "That's all me! I made that joke popular! Where are my fucking props/royalties?!" (see the "Fishsticks" SouthPark episode for reference - Dong, with your help, is about to create an internet phenomenon that will right the wrongs that all of those joke-stealers of yesteryear.

Behold, I give you....Emplastro:
Yes, that is a stain from TPC's last teabag party

OK, "so what," you might say. Just some douchebag with a huge mole on his face. This, I grant you.

However, this is not just any old douchebag. You see, "Emplastro," as he has been named in his home country of Portugal, has been crowned the "Videobomber" of the country. You know how when people are posing for a very organized picture -right before they take it - you jump out in front of them with your balls hanging out? (Maybe that's just me?) Well, Emplastro does that...but without the balls. On live TV. EVERY BROADCAST in Portugal. The guy finds every
possible live TV broadcast, goes there, and plants his smug-ass face on the shoulder of the news reporter (sometime dodging beatdowns from the TV anchor and passerby), and just sits there. It's a sight to behold. Here is a link to some of Emplastro's finest work, with a video sample below:

So why is Emplastro so important to the Dong? Aside from exposing you to the funniest fucking theme ever (i mean, google "emplastro." nothing comes up. The guy deserves to have a book written about him, for gods sake. Portugal, you are shielding the world from his BEAUTY!!!!)

Why? Well, he looks a little familiar, doesn't he...

Holy Crap

Can the camera show Garnett for 5 seconds without him saying "Motherfucker?" Is it possible?

As much as Keggers claims that these games are going to give him a heart attack, I think I was actually having some legit palpatations while watching Game 6 yesterday. I would normally attribute this to an unusual combination of food and beer, but today is special. Today, boys and girls, is just another day on the road to Game 7, and last night's game was batshit crazy.

#1. Did anyone actually expect Rondo to get tossed? I know basketball is a game for fucking pussies, but tossing a guy into the boards is a flagrant - nothing more. That said, I LOVED seeing Aaron Gray come out of nowhere to pseuco-protect scrappy lil' Hinrich from big bad Rondo after the initial scuffle - it's like some lightswitch clicked on in his skull. "AARON PROTECT KIRK FRIEND! BABY RUTH!!!"

Skip ahead to the :25 mark to see the moment in question (and skip some painful Celtics footage). Also, did you know that it is impossible to get a non-custom Aaron Gray jersey? I seriously spent an hour looking yesterday before gametime.

#2. Rondo is racist. First Miller, and then Hinrich? What do you have against the white man, Rondo?

#3. We need to bash Ray Allen's kneecaps. Look, we tried doing this the honorable way - we tried every defense VDN knows (so...two), and we even resorted to (gasp) doubleteaming Allen at one point. He still dropped 51 on us yesterday, including yet another "Oh My Fucking Lord Just Kill Me Now" three-pointer to send us into yet another OT. I just can't keep thinking that we're going to win with less than 10 seconds remaining only to have Allen or Pierce make me want to kill myself. Seriously - name your price.

#4. Brad Miller doesn't need a working face to play. Say what you will about how ugly Miller's face was after getting Rondo'd earlier this week, but Miller doesn't need a working face to get the job done. 22 points doesn't seem like a whole lot in 3 OT, but when you realize Miller was 5-5 from the line, 2-2 for three, and 8-9 shooting anything else, there wouldn't have been anyone else you wanted to touch the ball with the game on the line. And, with Miller's game winning FT, it worked out just like that.

#5. Joakim Noah is OK with me. After that monster block on Pierce followed by the big dunk (and a foul!), I just can't stay mad at his gaffes. Sure, his methods are unconventional, but you can't argue that he is a giant bundle of energy just waiting to erupt at every chance. Also, the fact that he looks like a crack whore every time he opens his mouth is an extra bonus.


I seriously cannot wait for Saturday night's game. The Bulls are playing with everything they've got (including VDN's shitty gameplan), and it's still tight against a depleted Celtics team. Still, one of the most insane series' ever, with a gametime to OT ratio of 2:1. Sick.