Why Does Everyone Hate Jim Hendry?

We will march on Washington! We will have hamburgers in the dugout!

Look - I hate the Cubs as much as the next guy, but any Cub fan fighting for the removal of Jim Hendry is an absolute moron. Yes, the Cubs are terrible. Yes, the Cubs haven't won anything since the silent film era. I understand that it's tough and that someone is to blame, but you don't blame Jim Hendry.

Let's take a look at all the "horrible" things that Hendry has done for you over the years, shall we?

2002 - Hendry deals Dontrelle Willis and Julian Tavarez for Matt Clement and Antonio Alfonseca

As we know, Willis went on to have a few really good seasons for Florida, and has since become a colossal bust. Tavarez had a good year for the Pirates and one for Boston, but otherwise failed to live up to expectations (not to mention getting knocked around more than Rihanna).

On the Cubs end dumping the psychotic Tavarez proved to be a bit of "addition by subtraction", Clement had three great years for the Cubs (cumulative 3.80 ERA, and over 170 Ks every year), and is best known for being the guy that the 2005 White Sox annihilated on the way to steamrolling the Red Sox. Alfonseca had two sub-par years for the Cubs and became a pariah. Not really Hendry's fault though, as Alfonseca had a solid track record over the past 4 seasons when the Cubs acquired him.

Result: Push

2002 - Cubs deal Todd Hundley for Grudzielanek and Eric Karros

To put this simply, Hendry absolutely raped the Dodgers here. Hundley, a piece of shit with a lousy contract, gets dealt for two cornerstones of the 2003 team. Hundley never topped a .211 batting average in two years with the Cubs, and was out of baseball in 2005 after an even shittier year with the Dodgers. Grudz put together two years with a BA over .300 with Karros hitting .286 and both providing a damn solid infield.

Result: Big win for Hendry


2002 - Cubs sign Dusty Baker

Some people would view this as a failure by Hendry. Look at what actually happened here - Hendry managed to get the manager of a team that lost the World Series by ONE GAME to come to Chicago and manage a team that hadn't done shit. Baker follows through by taking the Cubs as close as they have been in several decades with a nice run in 2003. Unfortunately, due to mismanagement, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood become the all-time wins leaders in simulated games over the next few years.

Result: Baker did everything he was supposed to - not Hendry's fault the guy eats youth for breakfast. Push.

2003 - Cubs trade Jose Hernandez and Bobby Hill for Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton

Not one to roll over and die, Hendry makes a move after Corey Patterson gets hurt to keep the team rolling. Not only did Hill never top a .270 BA in his career (in addition to getting hurt shortly after the trade), but he was out of baseball two years later. Hernandez had a solid year in 2004, but was also out of baseball two years afterwards, ending a very long career. Lofton hit .327 for the Cubs that year in addition to providing stellar defense and a threat to steal bases. 50 games were never better. Oh, and that Ramirez guy? He's only been the best hitter on the team for the last 6 years. Not bad for a flier.

Result: Hendry's move keeps the Cubs alive, pays huge dividends later. Big win for Hendry.

2oo4 - Cubs get Derrek Lee and Michael Barrett for Hee Seop Choi and Damian Miller. Cubs sign LaTroy Hawkins, Todd Walker, Greg Maddux .

Every single one of those free agent signings paid dividends, especially Maddux. Yes, LaTroy Hawkins became yet another Cubs reliever of lore for being the cause of all things evil in the world (despite an ERA of 2.63). Barrett put up a couple solid hitting seasons (some of those hits being AJ Pierzynski) and worked out nicely. Derrek Lee became the Cubs second-best hitter of the past 6 years, and a hell of a fielder. To contrast, Hee Seop Choi was out of baseball just two years later, never topping a .250 BA. Miller was hitting .230 for the Cubs at the time, and although he put together two OK seasons after that, hit numbers were never as good as Barrett's.

Result: Yet another big win for Hendry.

2004 - Cubs get Nomar Garciaparra and Matt Murton for Alex Gonzalez, Brendan Harris, and Francis Beltran

Harris has managed to cling to life since this trade, and although he has never realized much potential, he's still floating around. Alex Gonzalez never played a full season again and was out of baseball two years later. Beltran tanked for the Expos, and then didn't touch a baseball until 2008 where he picked up a win with the Tigers (and has yet to play since).

In contrast, Garciaparra was still a huge name at the time. Although he was injured both years he was with the Cubs, he hit when he could. Murton had three good years for the Cubs (batting over .280 through 2007). Let's face it boys and girls - no amount of help could save the 2004 season - injuries to EVERY SINGLE CUB made sure of it.

Result: Minor victory for Hendry here. Tough luck that everyone was crippled.

2005 - Cubs deal Sammy Sosa for Jerry Hairston Jr., Mike Fontenot and David Crouthers.

Let's be clear here - Sosa had to go. When you pull one of those "pay me a bajillion dollars but I am going to leave the ballpark in disgust" things, you're gone. It also doesn't help when you're coming off the worst year of your career. Sosa had two meaningless seasons since - one with Texas and one with Baltimore - and never came close to his previous ability.

Fontenot, barring a lousy year in 2009, has been a great Cubs role-player and uber-clutch. Hairston was kind of a bum. He never topped the .260 he hit with the Cubs once in his career.

Result: Small win for Hendry. Nothing like a long term payoff for a washed up money sink.

2006 - Cubs get Jacque Jones and Juan Pierre for Ricky Nolasco, Sergio Mitre, Ranyel Pinto.

Finally, a loss for the Cubs. Nolasco has been pretty solid for Florida, Mitre had a great start to 2006 before injuries, and until this year, Pinto was great news for the Marlins as well. To contrast, Jones and Pierre were universally hated by every Cubs fan on the planet. This, of course, despite the fact that Jones his .285 in two seasons with the Cubs, and that Pierre hit .292 with 58 stolen bases. Of course, both were run out of town. Have I mentioned that Cubs fans are the worst scum of the earth?

Result: Hendry loses this one on reputation alone (although I'm going to say it's a small loss).

2007 - Cubs sign Alfonso Soriano, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, and Mark DeRosa

What's that? Despite sinking a bajillion dollars into Soriano (thank the Tribune for that contract), Hendry is able to sign three other big players for the Cubs? I'm not even going to grade this one, but suffice to say this is a great series of moves by Hendry. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.

Result: Huge win for Hendry

2008 - Cubs sign Kosuke Fukudome

This didn't work out as planned, huh? Never trust the Cubs to sit out a bidding war when the Tribune is willing to put zillions on the line. Unfortunately, this is an obvious loss for Hendry.

Result: Hendry's worst move to date

2009 - Cubs sign Milton Bradey

OK, I lied.

Result: Hendry's REALLY worst move to date. Not his fault that the guy decided to stop hitting, though.

2009 - Cubs trade DeRosa for Jeff Stevens, Chris Archer, and John Gaub

In one of the most fan-reviled moves of all time, beloved Mark DeRosa is sent away for three no-names. Stevens has actually turned out to be a solid bullpen component on an otherwise bullpen-weak team, and Gaub has been tearing up the minors last I looked. DeRosa has never come close to replicating his success on the Cubs since.

Result: Beloved or not, this is a win for Hendry thus far.

2010 - Cubs sign Marlon Byrd

Byrd has been the Cubs' best hitter this year. No ifs, ands, or buts. He's been an absolute monster at the plate and in the field as well. Thanks to Hendry, this guy is on the team.

Result: Thus far, ginormous win for Hendry.


In short, fuck you Cubs fans. Why must you complain about everything, even when it's going well? I hope you DO fire Hendry so you can wind up with some piece of shit like Brian Sabean. Then we'll see who's sorry.

Ohlendorf'd

Mein Fukudome!

How do you get wrecked by a guy named Ohlendorf? Just ask the Cubs, who managed to get blanked by some guy named Ross Ohlendorf. To give you an idea of how pathetic this is, I would like to point out the following:

#1. Ohlendorf gave up 6 ER to the Rockies two starts ago
#2. Ohlendorf is on the Pirates
#3. In his last 11 starts, Ohlendorf has given up 12 HR and walked 19 batters (63 IP).
#4. Prior to tonight's start, Ohlendorf had a 4.75 ERA (down from 4.94 the previous week)

When you find yourself playing against this guy you're EXPECTING to hit at least 1 HR and get about 1.5 walks. When he started against the Sox, we got 2 HR off him, 2 BB, and scored four runs off him (3 earned) in 7.2 IP.

The Cubs?

No walks. No homeruns. No runs AT ALL. Four hits in 7 IP and a season high (career high?) 8K's for Ohlendorf. Fucking pathetic. The amazing tandems of Soriano/Fukudome and Fox/Hoffpauir combined for an impressive 0-15 with 9 LOB. Bravo.

In other news, the White Sox dominated the hapless Indians in a rain-delayed beatdown. Rather than try, the Sox put out their shitsquad lineup, starting almost EVERY BENCH PLAYER WE HAVE. When Jayson Nix is in LF, Josh Fields is playing 1B, and Brian Anderson is finally allowed to start in CF, you know that Ozzie isn't even trying. I still think he should have rested Dye for Wise and taken out Pierzynski for Castro to seal the deal.

More importantly, Beckham has now raised his average to .267 after going hitless in his first 15 major league ABs. In the last week, Beckham is 10/17 (.588 avg), and is now happily recruited by my fantasy team (thanks for dropping him prematurely, Kegs). If Kenny Williams isn't trying to "buy" at the trade deadline I'm going to be stunned.

It's a lovely day...

Now, some of you might expect me to be the sort of person who would carefully savor each morsel of the Chicago White Sox's victory over the hapless Chicago Cubs, but I'm going to prove you all wrong and take the higher road. I will not sepnd the time reflecting on how completely inept your team is, how the Sox bludgeoned your "ace", or how the Cubs managed to blow countless scoring opportunities.

Because they suck.

And are the scum of the earth.

Instead, here's some things I noticed:

#1. Milton Bradley is a bigger defensive liability than I would have imagined. Imagine Scott Podsednik. Now, take Podsednik and break both of his legs. Maybe gouge out an eye to make the depth perception a problem too. Now put him in right field. Every ball hit to right field became an extra base hit because runners (rightfully) challenged Bradley's ability to get to the ball and throw it to the second baseman. I don't watch a lot of Cubs games, but I can see this being a problem.

#2. The infield fly rule apparently applies to a shitty outfield as well.

If you caught the game (and if you didn't, you're probably a "Chicago" fan and need to be killed), you'd know that if your fielders are JUUUUST bad enough, the infield fly rule applies...outside the infield. Not complaining about it (we scored a run because we TAGGED UP), but I am mightiliy amused by this.

#3. The White Sox are getting faster.

I remember last year when the Sox went through baserunning stretches of "station-t0-station" misery. No one could run, no one could PINCH RUN, and generally, unless there were three hits in a row, no one was scoring. With Pods, Anderson, Wise, Bechkam, Getz, Fields, Ramirez, and Nix, you've got a bunch of guys that can all run (being realistic, I did not include Dye on that list). It was nice to see Ozzie bust out some small ball on Sunday, even trying to pull the squeeze with Pods and Wise.

#4. I fucking hate DeWayne Wise.

There, I said it. It's not (entirely) because he takes time from Anderson - it's that he just shoudn't be starting on any major league team. It would be like if Timo Perez were signed to play and we started him over Pods in LF for an entire week. It's the wrong choice! Other facts: I hate his plate approach, I hate his inability to hit, I hate his crappy read on the ball in CF, I hate that his speed is his entire crutch...I even hate his AB music ("Ain't I" by Yung LA)! This marks, what, the third day in a row without Anderson!?

#5. I almost pooped myself when I heard DeRosa was going to the Cardinals.

It was close. I may have sharded a little, but I don't think that counts. Now, if the Cardinals are serious about getting Holliday also, I may need to start bringing an extra pair of pants with me.

Always stand by your teammates

Why no congressman, I don't recall eating the old Sammy Sosa...

Ryne Sandberg just become the second ex-Cub that I can tolerate (I've always liked Mark Grace, I'm sorry, really can't help it). According to Ryno, Sosa (and any other steroid abuser) does not deserve to be inducted into the Hall of Fame due to the "integrity" requirement.

Couldn't agree more, big guy.

You cheat and lie about it to the fans (and the government), you don't deserve to be immortalized as an athlete that represents the best of the game. It's pretty straightforward.

From the NY times (which apparently employs better writers than the Dong):

Sosa, who is sixth on Major League Baseball’s career home run list and last played in 2007, had long been suspected of using performance-enhancing drugs, but until now he had never been publicly linked to a positive test.

At the hearing in 2005, Sosa testified that “everything” he had heard “about steroids and human growth hormones is that they are bad for you, even lethal” and that he “would never put anything dangerous like that” in his body.

“To be clear,” he added, “I have never taken illegal performance-enhancing drugs. I have never injected myself or had anyone inject me with anything.”

During that hearing, McGwire, by then retired, repeatedly declined to answer questions about possible drug use, saying he was not there to talk about the past. His statements were widely viewed as an admission of guilt, and since then he has had little involvement with baseball except for privately serving as a hitting tutor for several major leaguers.

At that same hearing, Palmeiro pointed his finger at committee members as he said: “I have never used steroids. Period.” Five months later, he was suspended for 10 games as a result of a positive steroids test."

Could this whole thing be more obvious? How the hell did Sosa outlast Palmeiro and McGwire by 4 years?? Is he some kind of media genius? His case was the most obvious of all... What did we pay congress to do about this again? What a fucking joke.

-KEG

Reason #482,493 that I hate the Cubs

The Cubs To-Do List

In our efforts to remain a source of even and "fair" coverage (fuck you Cubs fuck you Cubs fuck you Cubs fuck you Cubs fuck you Cubs fuck you Cubs fuck you Cubs fuck you Cubs fuck you Cubs fuck you Cubs), we have to cover the Cubs as much as any other team.

Since baseball season is over, and the Cubbie blue faithful need something to do in October (as usual), here are a few thoughts for next season:

#1. If it ain't broke (yet), throw more money at it. Dempster, Wood, and the gang are going to need new contracts. Until the Cubs are actually sold, it's safe to assume that the new owner won't have shit to say about footing the bill. Throw out some absurdly long and lucrative contracts and hope for the best, right? Wood never gets hurt...

#2. Brian Roberts. Do it or don't do it, but stop obsessing about it. The Orioles understand that their team is awful, and that Roberts is the last player of value they have to deal. For the Cubs, it would likely cost them Samardzija, Hill, and a boatload of other prospects. Is it worth doing? Probably. Cedeno, DeRosa and Theriot can only do so much without a leadoff man, although if the Cubs get Roberts, you can bet one of these guys goes bye bye.

#3. Go spend more money. In line with #1, if you're going to spend, spend BIG. Go after CC Sabathia and K-Rod. Both of these guys would dominate in the NL (see: Rich Harden), and Sabathia has already proven it - he was on pace for 15 complete games last season had he played a full season with the Brewers. Win or lose, someone else is footing the bill, right?

#4. Get over Fukudome. Say what you will, Fukudome has talent. Yes, he's now a public pariah, but the Cubs are on the hook for his rather massive contract (and yes, someone else will eventually pay for it). You can't send him to the minors, and you can't bench him. You can either trade him (does he have a no trade clause?), or let him patrol RF. And really, who else would you put there? Edmonds is likely gone, and Reed Johnson has to fill his spot in CF. Oh, and for those of you that think Fukudome plays CF while DeRosa plays RF? Dream on.

#5. Stop losing. Well, you gotta start SOMEwhere, right?

Verbatim

From With Leather:

Remember when the bumbling Cubs got swept in the ALDS by the Dodgers? Well, Chicago fans can be even more ashamed of that performance now, because the Phillies finished off L.A. in just five games with last night’s 5-1 victory. Not surprisingly, Manny Ramirez’s solo homer (he hit .520 with 4 HR and 10 RBI in eight playoff games) provided the Dodgers’ only run.

Unfortunately for the Dodgers, Manny is only one-ninth of the lineup at any given time. That may be enough to beat the Cubs, but the Phillies were led by an outstanding pitching staff, most notably series MVP Cole Hamels, who pitched his third playoff gem last night.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Roundup: Cubs

"Hey man, we're outside. What inning is it?"

Rather than go on about how the Cubs choked (again) or WHY they choked (inexcusable defensive errors along with miserable outings from Ramirez, Soriano and Fukudome), let's talk about something else. We get a lot of flak here for being anti-Cubs. It's not so much that we're anti-Cubs as much as we're anti-Cubs-FANS.

I mean, really, when it comes right down to it, I can think of a multitude of reasons that Cub fans drive me insane. I'm not going to say that ALL Cub fans are assholes - there are a select few of you that know your shit and follow them as someone should follow any baseball team. No, the people in question are those explained below.


The First Circle of Hell:
This issue really affects REAL Cubs fans. These are the people that I can tolerate talking to, and don't want to kill immediately. The Cubs have a history of losing. Therefore, it drives me insane when halfway through April I start seeing "This is the Year" signs. This isn't the year. Neither is next year. Or last year. The Cubs ARE LOSERS. It's a terrible business model. Just ask Stormin' Norman. The best way to say "I don't like when you lose" is to stop buying tickets to games. You can still root for the team and drink Old Style as you watch the game on WGN, but don't give them your money to sit in the nosebleeds until they put out a contender. This point has dulled in recent years (the Cubs have actually had some decent regular season teams in the past 10 years), but they also have one of the top-5 priced seats, and still sell out every game. I understand bandwagon fans to an extent, but the fact that the Cubs are the "cherished" and "loved" team of Chicago for winning nothing in the past 100 years baffles me.

The Second Circle of Hell:
Who are these people that are buying seats? Are these "die-hard I love the Cubs in good times or bad" people? You wish. Tourists, drunks, and people that come to see the hot chicks on a hot day (nothing wrong with that). Let's face it - half of the crowd at Wrigley wouldn't know a DeRosa from a DiCaprio. I'm willing to bet that if I just showed movies on a big screen at Wrigley I could sell out the stadium for at least a month. People don't come to watch the Cubs as much as they come BECAUSE it's Wrigley. Sit around, drink beer, get a tan, look at hot chicks, piss in a trough, and call it a day. Frankly, I'd hate the Cubs a lot less if they built a new stadium (it's not quite right to make your fans pay extra to watch out for falling bricks).

The Third Circle of Hell / Halsted and Belmont:
Where the hell is the rivalry? Part of the reason that many Sox fans hate Cubs fans is because it gives us something to do. The season is long and drawn out, and many times both teams are completely awful. That city series gives us two big "playoff-style" series right in the middle of the year! We get a chance to play with something on the line, and cheer like it's the end of the world. And what do I get from some Cubs fans? "Oh, we wish the best for you guys. I'm a Chicago fan."


WHAT. THE. FUCK.

No. I refuse to allow that. Want me to translate that phrase? "I am a total fucking pussy who refuses to ally with any one team so that I can always be happy and never have to feel bad about losing." You people make me sick. You're not only a bandwagon fan in the worst regard, but you either don't give a rats ass about sports or have a secret allegience to one team. I know damn well that if the Sox advance after the Cubs get swept, you'll be telling all your friends you were "a Sox fan from the beginning" while you still have an apartment filled with Cubs memerobilia. It's not allowed. You're not "better than us" or "taking the high road" by not picking a team. No, you're a disgrace to fandom.

Worse still, I can't think of a single Sox fan that would go and root for the Cubs in the playoffs. This is partially because I have personally murdered every known offender. I have (and do) see Cubs fans doing this for the Sox, though. Go back to your shitsquad of losers. We don't need you wasting space in our stands. I'll bet you'd shell out big bucks to go to a Sox playoff game without even wearing black, you sonofabitch. I hate you. I hope you move to New York and get stabbed for attending a Yankees/Mets game while wearing unafiliated colors.

So, for you Cubs fans that do any of the above, please tell me why. Why do you insist on punishing yourself year after year by rooting for these losers? Why do you give them your money? Why do you allow yourselves to be affiliated with a team known as "The Loveable Losers?" What the hell fills you with an amazing feeling that you couldn't get after 13 beers on the beach and save $50?

I just don't get it, and probably never will.

Oh Yes

Cancerous Cubs Sink To New Low

Durrr...I have a second set of eyes. And they don't like the sun.

So, I was "watching" the Cubs highlight show this morning - and when I say "watching" I mean "waiting for CSN to announce how many game Carrasco will be suspended for lightly caressing Miguel Olivo the other day - when I came across an interesting coincidence.

A lot of Cubs players are bald all of a sudden.

Chad Gaudin, above, seems to be down to just a goatee. Here are a few other characters who spring to mind:


Soriano (pictured), Reed Johnson (pictured), and others (not pictured) have seemingly lost all of the hair on their heads after a brief losing streak. Most people would call this a "slump-buster" or "team-unifaction-shave-your-head-and-fuck-a-goat" event, but I read deeper into the matter.

The sneaky fuckers have been getting chemotherapy.

How else do you excise the cancer that is the Cubs past, present, and future? Everyone remember's 2003's "Satanic Solidarity" gimmick, and of course, the 2007 "Voodoo Pins for Pinella" gag. Of course, both of those things are fine, because they're bullshit gimmicks that have no proof or function in reality. But chemo? Chemo WORKS! This could be dangerous, boys and girls.

...stay tuned.

Ah, love

And stay the fuck out of my Captain Crunch!

This is one of those stories you read that's just too good to pass up:

Man loses eye in Cubs-Sox argument in Huntley

Steele and his fiancée, April Bieze, said they went to the Abby Cadabby-Sesame Street-themed party that afternoon for Bieze’s 2-year-old niece. Bob Czapla and the other men were drinking vodka and beer and started taunting Steele with claims that White Sox fans had missing teeth, Bieze said.

“We were going to leave, but they convinced us that they were just joking around,” Bieze said.

Yet the taunts escalated and turned more personal, Steele said. Bob Czapla punched Steele, and the pair began to struggle before the two other men helped knock him to the garage floor and started kicking him in the head, Steele said.

Steele’s nose and orbital bone were broken and he lost his right eye in the attack after he was kicked in the face with a steel-toed boot.

So, let me get this straight: you're at a fucking SESAME STREET-themed party, drinking heavily with your fiancee. This is already slightly ridiculous. Then, you start arguing with a Cubs fan who has been drinking. This is like calling Olive Oyl a slut to Popeye's face at a Spinach factory - probably not the best idea.

Best of all, the guy has friends! Two other guys helped get this dumb bastard to the floor and beat the shit out of him. You've gotta wonder what sort of comeback he had to "Sox fans have bad teeth" to get that sort of reaction out of a bunch of drunk Cubs fans.

My guess:

"Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom."
"Thanks for inviting me."
"This party sure was fun. My kids are having a great time."
"That's a mighty fine drain this garage has - I'd like a closer look."

So, the logical thing happens - Cubs fans beat the shit out of you and knock out your eye with a steel-toed boot. Go fig. The victim has a "hilarious" joke afterwards:

"They said I’ll be able to do pretty much everything except fly an airplane,” Steele joked. “If I fall down, my family’s going to fall down. I’m up for my family.”

I don't get it.

I'll let Wikipedia Handle This

So, there's talk of the Cubs getting their own TV station ala the Yankees' YES Network. While most people would say that you just can't get as much programming outside of the baseball game (like you can with the tradition and pride of the Yankees), I have to disagree.

First, the Cubs have a LONG-STANDING tradition. Can you guess what it is? Here - I've bolded the important parts from the Cubs wikipedia table of contents:

• 1 Early franchise history (1876 - 1920)
  • 1.1 1876-1900: Earliest years
  • 1.2 1901-1910: An NL dynasty
• 2 Golden age of baseball (1920 - 1979)
  • 2.1 1929-1938: Every 3 years
  • 2.2 1945: The Curse
  • 2.3 1969: The fall of '69
  • 2.4 1977: Heartbreak
• 3 Recent history
  • 3.1 1984: One game away
  • 3.2 1989: NL East champions
  • 3.3 1998: Wild card
  • 3.4 2001: Playoff push
  • 3.5 2003: 5 more outs
  • 3.6 2004: Letdown
  • 3.7 2007: Worst to 1st
  • 3.8 2008–Present

Oh, you can bet that they have this tradition thing down pat.

Here's a sample of Monday programming on the new Cubs network, CURSE TV:

3:00 - Blame It On Bartman. Premise: Callers report incidents of misfortune that have happened in their life, and the events are somehow blamed on Cubs fan Steve Bartman.

4:00 - Goat Hunting. Premise: Join lunatic Cubs fans as they break into farmers' yards to kill as many goats as possible, hoping that each one will bring them one step closer to "breaking the curse."

5:00 - Blow Random Shit Up And Hope For The Best. Premise: Take random Cubs memoribilia from a tragic season (any item will do) and make a big fuss about blowing it up in a bar. This week: Jack Brickhouse's femur.

6:00 - Cubbie Boo. Premise: Game show where contestants are shown videos of old Cubs games, and must boo in timing with the video. The winner is the contestant that boos loudest. Notable clips include a pitchout attempt, not throwing back a homerun ball, and a coaching visit to the mound.

7:00 - Cubs Game. Premise: Watch the "loveable losers" play a game of "baseball." Highlights include hot drunk chick, 7th inning stretch, and panning to other hot drunk chick.

Most People Just Buy A Hat Or Something

Well, I guess that's ONE way to "reverse the curse"...

...fucking lunatic (and likely drunk) Cubs fan. I hope you catch every disease that trough has - including the old-school ones Ty Cobb left in there.

Only at Wrigley

Correction: ALL-STAR reliever Carlos Marmol. I think I'm going to be sick.

Looks like we're back...

Guess which one is Keggers

Looks like we're back to keeping the Dong alive - but it's going to be a two-man show this time around (sounds right up Keggers' alley, anyways). For those of you that remember our cohorts Bloomerfag (aka Bloomerqueef), TPC, and other random contributors, we remember them too. We also remember that we're much cooler than they are. So, from here on out, it's just Keggers and myself.

I'm actually having a bit of a crisis with the second coming of the Dong. On one hand, IT'S THE DONG. The Dong demands respect, it demands Chicago sports news, and if right now isn't the best batch of Chi-Town news in months (Benson, Sox/Cubs, Rose...etc), I don't know what is. On the other hand, we're all inconsistent, unrelaible bastards. We like to thing that we're busier and better than the rest of you, and as evidenced by the 4-posts-in-3-months we'd been doing, we've made our point. We don't want to let you down again with shitty, sporadic posting. Likewise, we don't want to promise we're posting every day, because let's be realistic, we're not.

So as a show of good faith, I am going to the Sox game today.

CLEARLY I am ONLY going to prove my loyalty to the Dong, and not because going to Game 3 of the city series at home is something that I'm interested in, or anything. I mean, it's not like we're going to be bringing a world of hurt to the Cubs for the sweep to even out the series or anything...


More on the game, well, AFTER the game.

God Catches Up On Some Unfinished Business

GOD SMASH!

After returning from a nice vacation in the Bahamas, it was back to work for God:

Former major league pitcher Geremi Gonzalez, who won 11 games for the Chicago Cubs in 1997, was killed by a lightning strike in his native Venezuela on Sunday. He was 33. Emergency management official Herman Bracho said Monday that Gonzalez was struck by lightning at a beach.

“The Chicago Cubs are very saddened today to learn of Geremi Gonzalez’s sudden passing,” general manager Jim Hendry said in a statement.

While God Himself was unavailable for comment, a spokesman for The Lord had the following to say:

"God has clocked back in at the office, and is looking to tie up some loose ends before submitting His annual report."

Other "unfinished business" likely includes Matt Karchner, Shawon Dunston, and Dave Clark. It has already been confirmed that Sammy Sosa will remain on this mortal coil as a reminder of the 10 plagues.

Article: Yahoo Sports

Just a Reminder

Just wanted to let all you Cub fans out there know that we still care about you at the Dong. Not only do we care, but since all the Cub-fan writers here are gone, we don't have to pretend we like you. Even sports coverage my ass!

Therefore, less than a week into 2008 baseball, let us have a little chat about some of the finer points the Cubs have brought us this season, hm?

#1. The pitching. Ah yes, the pitching. Nothing like having your ace get hurt (again) because of too much tug-o-war with Cyclops. That's a forearm injury that'll nag all year. Oh, but Kerry Wood is healthy...today. And maybe even tomorrow. Hasn't stopped him from coughing up the lead yet. Also, let us ruminate on your amazing bullpen of Carlos Marmol and...um...Carlos Marmol. Don't try and tell me that Howry is legit -- you know you're full of shit.

#2. The offense. Take Skullfuck out of the equation, and what do you have? Ramirez, Lee, Soriano and the guy who isn't Brian Roberts all sucking it up. Ramirez is below the Mendoza line, Soriano is below the Royce Clayton line, and hopefully, Sammy Sosa is physically crushed under the Red Line.

#3. Charlton Heston. He's dead, and it's your fault. Fucking Cub fans -- you were the 11th plague.

Enjoy 100 years.

UPDATE: Everyone knows you suck too.

What The Hell Happened To: David Kelton

And the sad part is, he HAS the ball

David Kelton is an interesting case. He's not really that far removed from the majors, and as of this post, he's 29. His story requires a full re-telling. He was a spunky young 3B just trying to make his way to the majors...

And then the Cubs happened.

See, David picked a bad time to join the Cubs. The year was 2002, and the Cubs were in need of a 3B. The Cubs were in the middle of what would become a losing season (they finished 4th), and the door was closing on players like Bill Mueller and Fred McGriff.

Enter Kelton.

The Chicago Tribune, in all of their Cubbitude, decided that a losing season meant the perfect chance to herald Kelton as the messiah. He had hit .313 at AA Tennessee a season earlier, and the Tribune was not about to report on how bad the Cubs were on a daily basis.

Kelton became "the big news." The Tribune ran articles about his progression, about how he would replace any memories of Mark Grace forever, and so on. Kelton was touted as the next big thing, and the answer to all of the Cubs' problems. After enough media coverage, people were clamoring for Kelton in 2003, even though he hadn't even had a full season in AAA.

Unfortunately for Kelton, the Cubs were in "for the love of God, win now" mode, throwing money at their problems. The All-Star Break of 2003 brought the Cubs Aramis Ramirez, and forced Kelton to learn the outfield on short notice. The Cubs brought him up by the end of 2003, but he flopped horribly in his debut.

In 2004, Kelton spent the entire year in Iowa trying to learn how to play LF. Again, Moises Alou was still filling the slot -- Kelton would have no place to play. Luckily for Kelton, he put together a great year in AAA Iowa (hitting .290), and Moises Alou got into a fight with Steve Stone on a plane and the Cubs declined to pick up his option after numerous claims of fighting with umpires.

The Tribune media blitz went into full-swing, and it was Kelton time again. With Alou gone, Kelton could show the world how he was SO GREAT and adapted from 3B to LF in just one season and how he would save the Cubs yet again. Kelton was given the keys in 2005...

...and promptly crashed into the ivy. Kelton had a Brian Anderson-esque average of .254 with an equally pathetic OBP of .254. His fielding was shoddy at best, and the whole thing turned into a disaster. The Tribune, quick with the hype machine, pronounced Matt Murton as the next savior, and the spotlight promptly left Kelton, who was unceremoniously dumped.

He was picked up by Atlanta for the 2006 season.

What the hell happened to David Kelton?

David was cut by Atlanta halfway through the 2006 season and decided to hang up his cleats. The game had not been "very very good to him" like certain ex-Cubs outfielders, and he decided that he was done with the game.

Most recently, Kelton decided to go to his wife's hometown, and was spotted at her alma mater serving as the Springwood Wildcats Heard Varsity Coach for the 2007 season.

He is still coaching to this day.

Traitor!

It's a long walk from here, buddy

Alex Cintron, post-surgery noodle-arm and all, is headed to the North Side this season. It's kind of mean that the Cubs waited this long to sign him -- he probably had to get all of his belongings out of Chicago when he was cut by the Sox, just to have to move them all back. That is, if he's staying in Chicago...

When you think about it, the Cubs have absolutely no use for Cintron. They already have four wannabe SS/2B's (Theriot, DeRosa, Cedeno, Fontenot) -- what's the point of adding a 5th? Cintron is hardly a starter, and certainly not an upgrade over the "established" players at his position. What Cintron is, though, is a major-league ready player that the Cubs can throw into a certain Orioles trade.

The Cubs will likely make yet another effort to snag Brian Roberts from the O's (who are probably leaning back in their chairs and cackling over how far the Cubs are bending over to get him), and they'll probably be successful. Cintron was actually on their list of FA targets this offseason, but the Cubs would much rather pay his salary and trade him to the O's anyways. Roberts, when healthy, is a phenomenal player. I think the Cubs signed an entire extra team this offseason just to try and get him (how many pitchers do you they think can start in a season?).

So good luck to you Cubbies -- get Neal Cotts a temporary playmate, and then send your entire minor league roster to get a 2B who will surely get hurt when you need him most (joining A-Ram on his annual DL trip).

100 years...so close I can taste it!

And I Thought It Was Zell's Inside Man

When Flintstones go bad

Simply getting robbed of a division title is SO last century.

The Cubs decided to get a kick start on losing year #100 by just getting flat-out robbed.

"Todd Robert Smith, 44, was arrested Saturday and accused of taking items from a number of locations including the Chicago Cubs training facility...The Cub players were pitcher Jeff Samardzija, catcher Jake Fox and outfielder Tyler Colvin. Police said all three players had personal items stolen, which included checkbooks, cell phones and credit cards."

When Sam Zell said he was going to squeeze every penny out of this franchise, he wasn't kidding! Interestingly, Smith confessed to the Cubs burglaries, and hundreds more. Why? Because he's addicted to meth. Seriously -- that was his excuse. I've got to remember to do that next time I get into trouble.

More importantly, why steal from a football player, a rookie/spring training invitee, and a career AAA catcher? Not a single one of these players is useful or has a full-time spot on the team -- whose bright idea was it to skip over Fukudome's locker? You could just tell him that it was "American Taxes" that charged over $1,000 at a local Wal-Mart.

Welcome to Spring Training, indeed.