Monday, December 17, 2007
I Am In So Much Trouble
This post may very well get me not only barred from posting on this wonderful sports weblog, but it may also get me kicked out of any synagogue I try and join in the free world. I am praying to any colored Jesus that the Purple one go buck-fucking-wild against the dogshit Bears tonight. Are the Bears my favorite team? Abso-fucking-lutely. Does my head hurt with a pain rivaled only by menengitis when the Vikings do anything positive, especially against the Bears? You bet your snowy white ass. But I have a huge problem.
Tom Brady, Joseph Addai and the Indy defense decided that for Hannukah they were going to come over to my house and take turns shitting in my bed. While Keggers' squad scored more points in the early games than it had in all 13 weeks of football, my team sucked more dong than Jessica Simpson in the Dallas locker room while her Dad watched with that shit eating grin. As a result, I need Purple Jesus to log 50 points in order for me to move onto the finals. You heard me, with Tom Brady, Joseph Addai (against the FUCKING RAIDERS DEFENSE!!!!) and Indy's defense, I am down 50 points to a team that starts Aaron Stecker and Kevin Jones at running back.
So please, Jesus (Purple or Carpenter). Save me from the 3rd place game. I have dominated all season long, at least give me the pleasure of playing for the title. The Bears aren't going to win, anyway. Neckbeard and a geriatric offensive line are not going to take down that defense. If I have to punch neck in the face all night watching the Bears lose to my least favorite team in football, at least let me capitalize by winning in fantasy.
Plus I saw Keggers out on Saturday and he was drunker than Grossman is going to be watching this one from the sidelines. Man he is sexy. Grossman, not Keggers.
UPDATE: My 4th grade math skills tell me that I need 200 yards and 3 TDs to get the points I need to win. Not completely out of the question, but unlikely enough that I am crapping myself with anticipation right now.