This post may very well get me not only barred from posting on this wonderful sports weblog, but it may also get me kicked out of any synagogue I try and join in the free world. I am praying to any colored Jesus that the Purple one go buck-fucking-wild against the dogshit Bears tonight. Are the Bears my favorite team? Abso-fucking-lutely. Does my head hurt with a pain rivaled only by menengitis when the Vikings do anything positive, especially against the Bears? You bet your snowy white ass. But I have a huge problem.
Tom Brady, Joseph Addai and the Indy defense decided that for Hannukah they were going to come over to my house and take turns shitting in my bed. While Keggers' squad scored more points in the early games than it had in all 13 weeks of football, my team sucked more dong than Jessica Simpson in the Dallas locker room while her Dad watched with that shit eating grin. As a result, I need Purple Jesus to log 50 points in order for me to move onto the finals. You heard me, with Tom Brady, Joseph Addai (against the FUCKING RAIDERS DEFENSE!!!!) and Indy's defense, I am down 50 points to a team that starts Aaron Stecker and Kevin Jones at running back.
So please, Jesus (Purple or Carpenter). Save me from the 3rd place game. I have dominated all season long, at least give me the pleasure of playing for the title. The Bears aren't going to win, anyway. Neckbeard and a geriatric offensive line are not going to take down that defense. If I have to punch neck in the face all night watching the Bears lose to my least favorite team in football, at least let me capitalize by winning in fantasy.
Plus I saw Keggers out on Saturday and he was drunker than Grossman is going to be watching this one from the sidelines. Man he is sexy. Grossman, not Keggers.
UPDATE: My 4th grade math skills tell me that I need 200 yards and 3 TDs to get the points I need to win. Not completely out of the question, but unlikely enough that I am crapping myself with anticipation right now.
4 comments:
Dear commie pink-o,
You are a quivering, spineless sack of selfish shit. Nobody cares about your stupid fantasy team. This is Chicago Bears football. I'd trade my entire fantasy season for Orton to throw for 400 and 4 TD's while crushing the shitty overrated Vikings.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
I want you to know that my mom sent me delicious Entenmanns cookies for the holidays and they came in a Chicago Bears box. The Entenmanns man is a bigger Bears fan than your sorry ass.
P.S. I'm starting KJones and Stecker becuase my starters (Mr. Larry Johnson and Reggie Bush) are on IR. So, in sum, i'm kicking your ass with my backups. Pussy.
GO BEARS (you remember, the team in orange and blue that represents your hometown...)
(hanging head in shame while crying in the shower, scrubbing myself down with steel wool and rusty nails)
I know, I know.....
(out of the shower, licking wounds/johnson)
Tell me this, Doctor, what gets us a better draft pick next year in the hopes of returning to dominance? 5-11, or 6-10? We need to do what any limp dick team does during futile battle: Get this shit over with and start getting healthy for next year. This game eliminates us from the playoffs, and therefore allows Lovie to start yank Urlach, Tommie Harris and the other injured players to get ready for next year.
Plus I really want $300, and losing after kicking so much ass this season hurts.
You disgust me
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