Friday, December 21, 2007

The Vagina Monologues

"Does this shirt make me look fat?"

This offseason has really been a lot of work -- I have a tan to maintain, and I have to keep my fingers looking FAB-U-LOUS.

(flashes a smile to the mirror)

Teeth whitening, baby. God I look good.

You know you want me. As a matter of fact, 11 teams want me. I know your team needs me to bolster your simulated pitching staff. Did I mention that I led the league in simulated starts over the last few seasons? Kerry Wood and I practically carried our simulated team into the simulated playoffs -- I'm just that good.

Houston is offering me enough money to buy manicures for a year, but the humid weather makes my hair frizz up so that my curtains match the drapes! Where's the mystery? So passe.

The White Sox are interested, but I just don't know if I want to stick around Chicago with all my old boyfriends -- besides, the cold weather makes my nipples hurt! And Ozzie Guillen? That guy wouldn't know texturizing shears from pinking shears! Have you SEEN that facial hair? Gross!

(crosses legs, placing hands in lap)

You know what I REALLY want? I wish the Dodgers would make me an offer - they have such good salons over there. Do you know how hard it is to work the "I forgot to shave but it looks perfectly groomed" look? It's, like, soooooo hard!

(chips a nail)

Ohmygod! Come ON!

Well, so much for playing this season.

3 comments:

Keggers said...

That was so vivid- almost like you know him personally. Did you... um... let him pitch for you?

bloomerang said...

The only way to ensure that Prior will not end up being Greg Maddux is for him to join that slobfest on the South Side. You guys could use an overpaid underperforming pussy like Prior.

Joseph said...

the salons in NY are not good enough for u they are not tony enough or high priced? u were once a NY draft pick before going back to college- well u know what ny doesnt need u u can go to houston and dream of playing for torre in los angeles but dont come to NY to be the next carl pavano at least he had a hot chick in the car while trying to hide an injury he already has the diabled list named after him here its ur opportunity to have that distinction elsewhere