Prior to Padres

From ESPN: Prior receives a one-year major league deal with a $1 million base salary. The contract, which doesn't include an option, contains incentive clauses that could take the total value of the deal to over $3 million.

Prior, 27, last pitched in the big leagues in 2006, and had shoulder surgery in April of 2007.

The second overall pick in the 2001 draft, Prior went 18-6 for the Cubs in 2003 before experiencing a series of physical problems. He was born in San Diego and lives in San Diego County, and the Padres' hope is that he is able to join a rotation that already includes Jake Peavy, Chris Young, Greg Maddux and Randy Wolf.

Well, shit. We all know how this story ends. Prior joins the rotation, the Padres win the World Series boasting the best pitching staff ever, Cubs fans taking more zoloft.

I suggest that all cubs fans completely ignore any Prior news, don't watch Padres games and stay away from the inevitable SI article or ESPN feature.

I will be sure to post every single one. Something about salt and open wounds... or kicking a baby while it's down, taking it's candy and shaming it twice.

The Vagina Monologues

"Does this shirt make me look fat?"

This offseason has really been a lot of work -- I have a tan to maintain, and I have to keep my fingers looking FAB-U-LOUS.

(flashes a smile to the mirror)

Teeth whitening, baby. God I look good.

You know you want me. As a matter of fact, 11 teams want me. I know your team needs me to bolster your simulated pitching staff. Did I mention that I led the league in simulated starts over the last few seasons? Kerry Wood and I practically carried our simulated team into the simulated playoffs -- I'm just that good.

Houston is offering me enough money to buy manicures for a year, but the humid weather makes my hair frizz up so that my curtains match the drapes! Where's the mystery? So passe.

The White Sox are interested, but I just don't know if I want to stick around Chicago with all my old boyfriends -- besides, the cold weather makes my nipples hurt! And Ozzie Guillen? That guy wouldn't know texturizing shears from pinking shears! Have you SEEN that facial hair? Gross!

(crosses legs, placing hands in lap)

You know what I REALLY want? I wish the Dodgers would make me an offer - they have such good salons over there. Do you know how hard it is to work the "I forgot to shave but it looks perfectly groomed" look? It's, like, soooooo hard!

(chips a nail)

Ohmygod! Come ON!

Well, so much for playing this season.