Friday, February 27, 2009


I believe that jacket belongs to Mr. Gilmore!


Well, Miltron Bradley is proving his usefulness and durability in the DH-free NL by getting hurt in his first at-bat. If you have to get lifted for a pinch runner on a walk, you know it's going to be a long season. Sure, it's a "tweaked quad" now, but Kerry Wood has a "stiff back" for the Tigers - do you really think it's just a couple days of rest?

As for the rest of the Cubs, Joey "I Jump Cars" Gathright had a huge 3/3 afternoon, Houffpair got another hit, and Aaron Miles got his first RBI of the spring. Marshall, Gaudin and Marmol each gave up a run as they shook off the rust, but none of them looked particularly dominating.


First win! Whoo! The whole pitching staff pitched well -Floyd, Egbert, Carrasco, and Broadway gabe up one run total over 8 innings. DJ Carrasco was especially (and unusually) impressive. Brent Lillebridge had a nice outing both offensively and defensively, and a catcher named "Miller" went 3/3 - although I really shouldn't be discounting any catcher in ST right now seeing as we have no set backup behind AJ (signs point to Armstrong).

Oh, and most importantly, Brian Anderson had a hit and scored a run. I'm seriously not going to give up on him until he stops giving good media quotes.


I grew up on Johnny Red Kerr and Norm Van Lier - they died within hours of each other.

I remember Jordan throwing resin in JRK's face every game and Stormin Normin threating to beat up random people all the time. It's going to be tough to listen to the games without those guys.

Sad day for Bulls fans.


Thursday, February 26, 2009

Spring Training Recap

The Sox still have no bonafide leadoff hitter. My crush from last season, Brian Anderson, has yet to live up to the attention I waste on him, and he doesn't have the hitting down to lead of. Still, I need to obsess over SOMEone at the beginning of the season as a legit prospect...Jerry Owens?


Well, Owens went 1/3 with a nice single and steal in the first. If he can stay healthy AND get on base, he might be a nice surprise this season...just like Joe Borchard was supposed to be a nice surprise every season. Ugh.

Aside from that, Fields, Pierzynski, Alexei Ramirez and Jayson Nix seem to be making a point so far with solid hitting and speed. The majority of our pitching also had a nice game, especially Ehren Wasserman with a nice 3K inning. On the flip side, Octavio Dotel got lit up (3 ER in 1 IP) to open the floodgates.

When the going gets tough, the Cubs get the lumber. A tough outing for Jeff Smarmarmadzimajarm (2ER, 2IP, lots of extra bases) turned into an offensive blitz for the Cubs. Hoffpaiur drove in four and had a massive bomb to get the Cubs back in it, and they never relented. Theriot, Soriano and Soto put in strong showings as well. No one that's going to make the team really pitched today, so not much to report there.

Is it time for baseball yet???

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

New-look Bulls protect this house

The Bulls looked great last night, beating up on one of the best teams in the league (the Magic are 41-15) en route to a 120-102 victory at the United Center.

More importantly, I just found this awesome youtube clip that plays EVERY Bulls basket from last night in just over 5 minutes:

Some notes:

1) Joe Noah and Tyrus Thomas are getting pretty good. Noah is better running through the offense and is pure hustle on both ends of the court. Thomas still needs to take advantage of his athleticism on offense, but his defense is markedly improved this season.

2) Derrick Rose can shoot. I've hear a lot of shit about his jump shot coming out of college and even in his first few months in the NBA. If there is one thing he' learning from from Ben Gordon, it's how to shoot the lights out. Since he's so quick, defenders are giving him a lot of room off screens particularly in the long-2 range (~20 footer) and if he can hit that consistently like he did last night, guarding him is going to be a fucking nightmare.

3) I still love Kirk Hinrich. He plays with heart and he's a hustler. A lot of guys in his situation would have packed up and asked for a trade/release/etc, especially after losing the starting job to a highly paid rookie. Instead, he's rejuvenated. I love it.

4) The new guys look good. With Thomas and Miller you know what you're going to get (which is NOT a bad thing). Salmons looks surprisingly well-rounded and now I understand why we dealt Thabo (who I was starting to develop a man crush on...). Miller/Noah at center is one of those weird cases where the whole is worth more than the parts - they make a really good combo: seasoned veteran with an old-school game and fiery hustler who's completely unpredictable. I like watching both of them and I've yet to see someone defend both of them well (that includes you Dwight Howard).

We've won 3 of our last 4 and 8 of our last 12. We're starting to heat up at just the right time and the timing of the trade couldn't have been better. Sure, we'll still 19 games out of first but there are 25 games left to play and we're projected to take the 8 seed in the East in most simulations. (whatever that's worth). Most of my simulations involve breasts and a contortionist, so.... hrmm.  Nevermind.



From the Hawks game a few nights ago against the Stars.

...did that really just happen?!

So What Happens to O-Cab?

We have a little problem. There's this guy...let's call him "Mr. Cabrera." Due to his free agent status as a "Type A" free agent, the team that signs him owes us a first round draft pick. Alternatively, if the team's 1st rounder is protected, we get from the 2nd round. Even better, it's possible for the Sox and another team to come to terms where the Sox receive minor league prospects in lieu of the draft picks.


This is so frustrating! We're sitting on a gold mine that we can't start the pickaxes on. What's so uninviting about Cabrera? He's a perpetual free agent, hits well, plays good defense, and generally plays any role you need. I know Kansas City and Oakland have been "interested", but we need something locked down, damn it!

And will SOMEONE do something newsworthy please!? Sheesh!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Trick question...

If you believe in miracles (Bears SB), the possibility of heaven on earth (winning said SB 46-10), God in the form of human flesh (Walter Payton) and the Leviathan (The Fridge), you can just as easily choose Mike Ditka over Jesus Christ.

Plus, I'm pretty sure Ditka has been resurrected TWICE (once in New Orleans and again in the broadcasting booth).

If you've been looking for an excuse to dodge church, now you have a completely defensible and equally valid alternative. The only worship Mike Ditka requires is that you eat at his restaurant once in your life. It's delicious (no wafers).


P.S. You can buy this shirt in the store on the right. If you want. No pressure. Just think about how cool you would look wearing this shirt. Then think about being surrounded by hundreds of beautiful naked women and 5 kegs of beer AND just finding out that you won the lottery. The correlation should be obvious.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Traitor Joe

To Joe:

We will miss your defense, and your ridiculous clutch hitting. We will miss watching you make full extension dives to stop line drives, and jumping ridiculously high to snare rockets off the bat. We will miss your home run trot in the 7th, 8th, and 9th innings.

We will not miss your tendency to lie about just how injured you are, or your stubbornness that forced you to play through pain for almost an entire season without telling us. We will not miss the way your stats (both offensively and defensively) suffered horribly as you tried to conceal your injury.

And you, Joe, will miss normal infield grass. A guy with a bad back playing on artificial turf? Are you nuts!?

Things We Can Learn From The Blackhawks

Mmmm...scantily-clad women doing manual labor...

So, I went to the Blackhawks game last night against the Wild (we lost), and I couldn't help but see all the missed opportunities in baseball when the Blackhawks get it so right. I mean, this is a game where you've got to take two extended breaks to treat the ice with a Zamboni, creating a huge gap in gameplay, and yet I still didn't feel as though I was missing something - rather, I was absorbed in the experience. To contrast, people bitch about how boring baseball is all the time! Here's a few things other hometown teams can learn from the Hawks.

#1. More scantily-clad women. With the exception of the actual Cubs FANS, the closest thing to the Blackhawks Ice Girls are the girls who throw crap into the crowd between innings at Sox games. Not only are the women at US Cellular only mildly attractive, but they are fully clothed, and only appear for brief intervals over the course of the game. To contrast, the Ice Girls came out at least six times over the course of the game, wearing nothing more than the Christmas section of Lover's Lane.

This is probably our biggest area for improvement. First of all, it's Summer for baseball - those girls could stand to wear less if the Ice Girls can dress like that ON ICE. Second, how about making some of the more crappy maintenance sections worth my while? When the grounds crew comes out to rake the dirt, clean the mound, or spray water on the infield, send scantily-clad women instead of older men in uniform. Your patrons will thank you.

#2. The Million Dollar Thing. The current "Win a Million Bucks If The Hawks Score With Exactly 10:00 Remaining in the 2nd Period" is absolutely genius. Not only do we get to see this poor shmuck on the Jumbotron biting his nails (who everyone is now rooting for to win money), but we're all rooting for the Hawks to score at the 10:00 mark like crazy (for the record, they scored a goal with the clock at 9:57 in the game I was at. Holy shit). In baseball, the closest thing we have is "Win a free coffee if they score in inning X."

That's no fun! Not only do those crazy bastards at Dunkin' Donuts never check the results of the game (as far as they know, the Sox have scored in the 4th inning every time I go to a game), but nobody really gets excited for it and high-fives eachother, going "FUCK YEAH! FREE COFFEE!" Pick some random schlub out of the crowd and have HIM pick a pitch number for the opposing pitcher (e.g., "#22"). If that pitch gets knocked out of the park, he wins a shitload of cash. Not only is there crazy anticipation on the pitch from both hitter and pitcher, but there's anticipation from the fans who want to jump him after the game. Other possibilities include "Win Money if Home Team Hits an Inside The Park Homerun in Inning X", "Win Money if Mark Buerhle Throws over 95 MPH" or even "Win Money if Soriano Doesn't Bunny Hop Like a Retard in LF."

It's a win-win, people.

#3. Zambonis fucking rule. Let's face it - Zambonis kick ass. Not only do the Hawks charge people to ride on them (not even to drive, mind you!), but it's a car you drive on ice. That's pretty badass. People are mystified as it drives laps at 2 MPH between periods. Baseball can do even better. The Sox have that huge Chevy sponsorship, right? Instead of just rolling the truck out between innings, USE IT.

Attach one of those dirt grates to the back and let someone cut loose on the infield. Not only would it be kickass to watch, but it also rakes the infield dirt. Alternatively, allow fans to race lawnmowers in the outfield. It keeps the grass short, keeps the fans entertained, and the possibility of a wipeout is just too good to pass up.

#4. Deliberately pick hot chicks for on-field events. If you have to do the stupid "hit the shot, win a prize" game (and let's be honest, you have to), at least pick contestants worth a damn. The Hawks have a brilliant formula - pick a kid, an average Joe, and a hot chick. Let all three go one after another and take MULTIPLE SHOTS. It gets everyone invested, from Moms (go little kid!) to guys (go hot chick!) to everyone else (go average Joe!).

The Sox have the dinky between innings "hit a homerun" for kids, and while that's all well and good, let some fans take BP. Combine it into an "Old Timer's Appreciation" thing (can you hit a Blackjack McDowell fastball now that he's in his 50s? What about a Mike Sirotka pitch after surgery #348?). It's fun for everyone - watch the guy strike out trying to impress his friends, watch the hot chick fall on her ass, and watch the kid get hit in the face with a fastball. It's genius.

#5. Stop Breaking Up Fights. Yes, even the NHL is trying to keep fighting to a minimum now, but on Bob Probert appreciation night (the only man to get close to having more penalty minutes than minutes on the ice) you want to see some blood. Hockey prides itself on the violence - even when your team is losing, there's still the chance of fucking up some other guy by bringing in your goon.

In baseball, you get a WARNING for TRYING to hit someone. Not for actually DOING IT, but for GETTING CLOSE. This is bullshit. Innocent until proven guilty, I say. No warnings unless someone DOES get hit, and even then, the guy who got hit is allowed to retaliate. Mano a mano, no help from other teammates. Just pitcher versus batter (batter is not allowed to bring the bat with). The loser of the fight get ejected. Make it count, people!

And that's just FIVE ways...

Friday, February 20, 2009

Which One is More Retarded Looking?

The world may never know.

Vote for your retard in the comments!





Bozo is one badass's a shame they won't let me wear this to work. Although I still haven't figured out why it's ok for me to wear my balls on the outside of my pants... Totally fine. Just tell your boss you sat in some gum.

Click into our shirt shop on the right hand side of the page to order (I already have 2).


P.S. Buy more of our shirts and save! Use coupon code "MARCH29" to save 17% off all orders over $25. Oh, and you had better believe we're spending our twenty-cent commission on smack.

Hey Wait a Second

Please my angel of mercy...

As much as people give the Cubs shit about being cursed, they didn't stick out so much until both the Red and White Sox broke their lasting slumps with World Series wins. The White Sox did it with ridiculous pitching and timely hitting, and the Red Sox did it on Schilling's fucked up ankle and a shitload of power bats.

The 2003 Red Sox had huge power hitters that crushed the opposition - guys like Jason Varitek, Trot Nixon and David Ortiz posted career highs in homeruns...

...hey, wait a second.

Aren't we in the midst of a "tainted piss from seven years ago" problem in baseball? Going with that stream of consciousness, that means the first story out of 2010 will be the 2003 cheaters...and I don't think the Boston faithful are going to like it.

Oh, you doubt me? Let's look at the tale of the tape!

Jeremi Giambi: Psh. He not only has already been busted for using 'roids, but has big brother Jason to help out in the land of doping.

Gabe Kapler:
Kapler is also a known doper - two for two now. Hahaha, you guys are fucked.

Jason Varitek: Varitek cranked 25 homers, his highest in a single season. Varitek has actually been hitting in the 18-22 HR range for his career, so this one doesn't stick out as much as...

Bill Mueller: Mueller not only hit a career-high 19 HR (for a guy who averages 10 a year, that's a bit much), but he also upped his batting average by 40 points to hit .326 on the year. He never came close to either number again.

Trot Nixon: Experienced mysterious surge of power from 2001-2003, hitting 28 HR in 2003 (the most he put up in any year after that was 13 HR). Oh, and did I mention that his batting averge jumped 20 points as well to a career-high .306 (pretty impressive for a career .270 hitter).

David Ortiz: Here's the biggest name on the list. Ortiz played with Minnesota for years, hitting 20 HR in 2002 (his career best). Enter 2003, Ortiz becomes an all-powerful beast mode slugging machine. Ortiz cranked 31 in 2003, then 41, 47, and 54 in 04, 05 and 06, respectively. Since then (and likely since a hardcore steroid crackdown began), Ortiz's number dropped off dramatically, hitting 35 HR in 2007 and a paltry 23 HR in 2008.

Without going too deep into the numbers, you've already got three guys who put up career highs in HR, two known dopers, and one guy whose HR numbers briefly hit the stratosphere. If these signs don't point to 'roids, I don't know what does. I wonder if they undo championships...

Hey, how about those other 103 names on the 2003 list, eh?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Urlacher in Polish means huge hog

(Unlike with Keggers we like the sand in her Vagina)

Just in case you were wondering Brian Urlacher is not gay. The dong reported a few months back about an incident with Urlacher's former wife and some non-sense with nail polish.

I was perusing the tribune and came across this article.,0,5934342.story

Urlacher is a fucking pimp and is about twice the man George Clooney will ever be.

(Ummm yeah those are real)

Could be worse

Well, If we can't get Chris Bosh or Amare Stoudemire, I guess bringing back Brad Miller makes sense.

But jesus christ, what a huge disappointment by comparison.

Amare is a perennial all-star and would be a monster in the low post. Bosh is a younger Kevin Garnett. Either of those guys developing with Derrick Rose over the next 5 years makes me want to sell my house/car/child for season tickets. I don't actually have a kid but if I did, I would certainly trade it for tickets, especially if it was a girl.

The good news is that we're clearly gearing up for a move in the boner-inducing 2010 FA class. We're not going to get LeBron but Bosh and Amare will both be on the market and if we have to wait a year and change to bring in a big market player, so be it. Patience is a virtue, right?

Miller will bring some inside scoring and maturity to our big men (Thomas, Noah and Gray are all inexperienced and raw). If he can put up 15-10 with us and stick around for the rebuilding, he is a more than serviceable center.

On the way out are Gooden and the Bologna Pony. I like both of these guys a lot, so this is tough to see. Gooden was a rental, but he had a good attitude, played hard and didn't bitch.  Great quote from Gooden: "I've been traded before and the way I look at it is it means somebody wants you." Now that's an upbeat dude. Nocioni is a tough mofo who is consistently underrated because he's a foreigner. When he got minutes, he was very productive. He's going to be good on the Kings.

But just look at this goofy bastard:

He looks like he's hiding a poopie. I  think he tried dreadlocks a few years ago too. 

If we can parlay this move into Bosh in 2010, a core group of Rose, Hinrich, Deng, Bosh and Miller is sounding pretty freaking good right now.

I just got really excited writing that sentence. 

Really excited.


P.S. The Bulls fucking dominated last night, Hinrich dropped 31 trying to keep his job (and rub it in on old coach Skiles) and Tyrus had some nice highlight reel dunks. Deng is getting healthy (21 and 8) and we beat a good Bucks team with only 8 active guys.

It's Miller Time

Home sweet home

I'm not a basketball guy. To be perfectly honest, I hate basketball for becoming a league of paid actors and whiners, and I haven't given a shit about the Bulls since Jordan. That said, I'm probably not the best guy to tell you what this latest Bulls trade means. If anything, my "brilliant insight" should at least provide the perspective of someone who doesn't know jack shit about the ramifications - hopefully it will tide you over until Keggers provides some meaningful analysis.

After my initial reaction of "Again?" in response to getting Brad Miller, I'm calling it a success. As is my understanding, this trade is amazing, fantastic, and wonderful. The Bulls have been in dire need of an effective inside presence for some time. Ben Wallace, injury-related stupidity not withstanding, was not the answer we were looking for. Miller gets boards and keeps the pressure up (something Joakim Noah and Aaron Gray struggled with). Getting Miller provides a presence up front that will hopefully set up more opportunities for Derrick Rose to dominate, and maybe even get Luol Deng into a bit of a groove (maybe).

Oh, and speaking of Deng - John Salmons also came along as part of the deal, and while he isn't likely to actually take Deng's starting job, he'll certainly put some pressure on Deng to perform. Likewise, Salmons can come off the bench to breathe a little more life into the offense - he was Sacramento's second-leading scorer, after all.

Hey Ref! Look! Phantom bullet! Call the foul!

In exchange, we part ways with Andres "Bullet To The Chest" Nocioni, and Drew Gooden. It's easy to write Gooden off as a win-win, because he's probably going to miss the rest of the season, and his contract was up anyways. As for Noch, he's likely going to be doing exactly what he did here - come off the bench, do a mediocre job, and be Argentinian. Oh, and occasionally take a phantom bullet to the chest. That's part of the routine. In reality, Noch for Salmons probably would have been an advantageous deal by itself. Getting Miller is just awesome.

The only complaint I have heard about this trade at all (aside from the complaints from our one Argentinian reader) are that we didn't get Amare Stoudamire after all. That's like complaining that you got Quentin instead of Fukudome when you were starting Rob Mackowiak. Not the guy you wanted, but it's a million times better than what you had, and it has the potential to turn out even BETTER than the deal you wanted.

Oh, and about Fukudome (I need to segue into a topic I don't hate) - he's going to rebound hardcore this year. Book it.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My bromance with Thomas Jones

Illegal in 50 states...

For those of you who don't know, I have a total man-crush on Thomas Jones. I followed him when he was drafted out of VA (ever since he had a feature in the 2000 NFL draft preview in ESPN magazine) and became completely obsessed when the Bears signed him in 04.

I love his work ethic, I love his attitude and he's an awesome football player.

Weird thing about him is that he keeps getting BETTER every year... normally running backs peak in their 2nd year and play at a high level for a year or two and then you never hear from them again. Check out TJ's numbers:





2003Tampa Bay13762739.24.63




2007New York310111969.93.61

2008New York290131282.04.513

I cannot emphasize how insane that is.  Dude had his best season when he turned 30 (when most backs typically break down) and has spent his entire career fighting off younger, more highly touted options (Pittman, Benson, now Washington).

He's a real leader, not afraid to call out anybody (including golden boy Brett Favre) and is always willing to lead by example - he clearly spends a lot of time in the gym.

I also just stumbled upon this ultra-gay music video from some chick named "Trina" and it looks like TJ makes a steamy cameo for you ladies out there:

I will always remember him best for his time with the Bears: trudging out yards against 9 in the box with Kyle Orton and Craig Krenzel under center. A real warrior.

P.S. Does this post make me gay?