JUMPIN' JESUS ON A POGO STICK!

Actually, nothing exciting happened. Is it baseball yet?

Trick question...

If you believe in miracles (Bears SB), the possibility of heaven on earth (winning said SB 46-10), God in the form of human flesh (Walter Payton) and the Leviathan (The Fridge), you can just as easily choose Mike Ditka over Jesus Christ.

Plus, I'm pretty sure Ditka has been resurrected TWICE (once in New Orleans and again in the broadcasting booth).

If you've been looking for an excuse to dodge church, now you have a completely defensible and equally valid alternative. The only worship Mike Ditka requires is that you eat at his restaurant once in your life. It's delicious (no wafers).

-KEG

P.S. You can buy this shirt in the store on the right. If you want. No pressure. Just think about how cool you would look wearing this shirt. Then think about being surrounded by hundreds of beautiful naked women and 5 kegs of beer AND just finding out that you won the lottery. The correlation should be obvious.

Good News Keeps On Coming

So much good news at once...I just don't know what to do! I guess we'll take it from the top:

Announcement #1: Javier Vasquez is traded to the Braves. Mood: Pleased. Trading Javy means two things - it means that we're getting some talented youth (which the Braves have in spades), and it means that Clayton Richard is probably going to join the big boys in the rotation (hell yes). While Javy eats innings and strikes out a lot of batters, he is most decidedly the anti-clutch as evidenced last year. Plus, the Braves will eat his $23 million contract. There is a god.

Announcement #2: Boone Logan is going with him. Mood: Ecstatic. Boone Logan has two purposes - growing an awesome goatee, and pitching well in Spring Training. Any other task outside of those basic functions renders him deadly to the team. Case in point, any Logan outing after May. His value is probably at its highest, and trading both Javy and Logan practically guarantees a AAA prospect - not to mention saving some cash.

Announcement #3: Sox are rumored to receive John Gilmore, Santos Rodriguez and Brent Lillibridge. Mood: Happy, waiting for other shoe to drop. I don't give a damn about Gilmore. As far as I'm concerned, a young scrappy 3B is just icing on the cake. Lillibridge is going to fight for (read: win) a job in the infield in the next year or so, and may be a steal for the club in the longrun. If Rodriguez pans out, and Cooper has a tendency to polish turds, this is great news. Sox are also rumored to get another top prospect...

Announcement #4: Sox get Tyler Flowers. Mood: Feel like dancing. Flowers is legit. He's (currently) a catcher. We get a post-AJ backup plan and the guy (roids aside) can flat out rake. He was considered an untouchable for Peavy. We absolutely dominate this trade.

Announcement #5: This quote - "Teams also are being told the White Sox will take offers on first baseman Paul Konerko and DH Jim Thome." Mood: Pants soiled from joy. This was the real announcement I was waiting for. This is Ozzie saying "Hey, Kenny, screw this "win now" bullshit. We've got these tubs of shit on the basepaths eating our cash and they're just not getting it done." Not only does the initial trade free up money to make a move, but freeing one of these guys practically guarantees we make a run at a big name player (Manny or Abreu? Either one in a Sox uni is fantastic news). We can go young and compete for the next 4 or 5 years instead of giving another half-assed shot this year and then being screwed for a decade.

This is just so much good news...stay tuned for updates.

Edit: Also, I totally forgot to announce the winner of the DVD contest - Mordechai wins for his amusing yet pitiful recount of how he was present for the Cubs historic 2003 postseason collapse. I also seem to have lost the email with the full entry. Send me an email with your address before I sell your DVD winnings for smack.