Saturday, July 31, 2010

Stonewall Jackson

I may look intimidating, but the picture has rounded edges to show I have a sensitive side, too!

Well that was entertaining.

For those of you that don't quite understand what happened at the trading deadline, allow me to explain:

#1. Kenny Williams talked to Nationals GM Mike Rizzo about acquiring Adam Dunn last week. Rizzo explained that he wanted Quentin, Beckham, and prospects. Kenny kindly told him to fuck off.
#2. Kenny and Rizzo talk again earlier this week, with Kenny pitching a package involving Hudson and Tyler Flowers. Rizzo explains that he is interested only in a trade involving Edwin Jackson.
#3. On Thursday, Kenny talks to Rizzo about a possible deal where he would send Jackson, Christian Marrero, and a mid-level prospect for Dunn. Rizzo claims that if Kenny could get Jackson, he would do it.
#4. Kenny acquires Jackson.
#5. Rizzo asks for Jackson in addition to Quentin or Beckham.
#6. Kenny says "fuck you" and hangs up.

So, in short, we are now operating at a bit of a loss here, picking up Jackson on "good faith" and getting burned. Dunn remains on the Nationals and Fielder with the Brewers. Although there was some interesting talk of a Vicideo for Manny Ramirez trade, nothing else happened for us.

I couldn't be happier.

The Sox haven't had much luck with their self-hyped prospects. Pop quiz - where is Aaron Poreda or Royce Ring right now? Exactly. Jackson, although currently in the midst of a shitty season, has shown flashes of talent before with Tampa and with the Tigers. If Cooper can "fix" him (and Cooper believes that he can), you immediately add a proven starter to the rotation.

Sure, the money may suck (OK, the $8+ million is kind of insane for 2011), but if it helps us "win now" I don't see a reason to be upset. Jackson certainly helps our playoff push, and provides us with one hell of a 2011 rotation (read: no Freddy Garcia).

Here's hoping Cooper can bust out the Matt Thornton Magic Wand again.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Amar'e Stoudemire Loves Bagels, Has Hook Nose


Apparently, Amar'e Stoudemire is a Jew.

After finding out that his mother is Jewish (dubious), NY's big ticket did what any other 20-something Jewish kid would do - he hopped on a plane and went to Israel to flip out.

You can keep up on his exploits via twitter (amareisreal) including recent gems such as:

-I'm the new Reggie White. (RIP) I'm going 2 Israel 2 study Hebrew. It's time 2 get a better
understanding on who we R. Follow me !! Shalom

-On the flight to Israel. This is going to be a great trip. The holy land. Learn about it. This ze ha'halom sheli. Shalom.

-Jerusalem is a beautiful city, I'm at a cafe eating a late lunch. I learning Hebrew by the min. Keep up !!

Whatever. This whole thing ranks pretty high on the ridiculously unlikely scale. I'm only posting it because of the slim possibility that he sits out the season because he wants to learn in yeshiva. Then the Knicks have to call the head Rabbi and beg him to let Amar'e (now Avraham) come home and not stay for shana bet. Basically, the Knicks suck.



Friends, brothers, countrymen - we are on the brink of war. Don't pretend like you haven't noticed it. This is a full-out SIEGE of the Dong. Every day we endure countless of attacks, lives and links hurled at us with the future of only an immediate death. They do not die with honor, nor do they waver from their suicide mission.

I am, of course, referring to the Chinese.

Yes, that's right, for every post we have on the dong, it is followed up by one of these "gems":
Blogger 陳晏李秀樺雄 said...


YOU'RE A FUCKING AUTOMATION! You don't watch sports! You don't even know what the hell a ZJ is (for the record, if you have to ask, you can't afford it). Well, I for one am tired of this shit. We need to hit them where it hurts, and hit them hard. We will make them remember the day that they crossed the Dong.

As of Thursday, from 1:00 PM to 1:02 PM, residents of China will not have access to the StarCraft II servers.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "two minutes?" Well, let me assure you - two minutes in "StarCraft" time is equivalent to 30 years of normal human life. It's kind of like a "dog years" sort of thing. Don't believe me? Look at this and then tell me I'm fucking around.

Oh you bastards will rue the day you crossed us. When the news comes out of the mass suicides across China, just remember it was because you couldn't leave a normal comment about Keggers wanting to sexually violate Thomas Jones.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Why Does Everyone Hate Jim Hendry?

We will march on Washington! We will have hamburgers in the dugout!

Look - I hate the Cubs as much as the next guy, but any Cub fan fighting for the removal of Jim Hendry is an absolute moron. Yes, the Cubs are terrible. Yes, the Cubs haven't won anything since the silent film era. I understand that it's tough and that someone is to blame, but you don't blame Jim Hendry.

Let's take a look at all the "horrible" things that Hendry has done for you over the years, shall we?

2002 - Hendry deals Dontrelle Willis and Julian Tavarez for Matt Clement and Antonio Alfonseca

As we know, Willis went on to have a few really good seasons for Florida, and has since become a colossal bust. Tavarez had a good year for the Pirates and one for Boston, but otherwise failed to live up to expectations (not to mention getting knocked around more than Rihanna).

On the Cubs end dumping the psychotic Tavarez proved to be a bit of "addition by subtraction", Clement had three great years for the Cubs (cumulative 3.80 ERA, and over 170 Ks every year), and is best known for being the guy that the 2005 White Sox annihilated on the way to steamrolling the Red Sox. Alfonseca had two sub-par years for the Cubs and became a pariah. Not really Hendry's fault though, as Alfonseca had a solid track record over the past 4 seasons when the Cubs acquired him.

Result: Push

2002 - Cubs deal Todd Hundley for Grudzielanek and Eric Karros

To put this simply, Hendry absolutely raped the Dodgers here. Hundley, a piece of shit with a lousy contract, gets dealt for two cornerstones of the 2003 team. Hundley never topped a .211 batting average in two years with the Cubs, and was out of baseball in 2005 after an even shittier year with the Dodgers. Grudz put together two years with a BA over .300 with Karros hitting .286 and both providing a damn solid infield.

Result: Big win for Hendry

2002 - Cubs sign Dusty Baker

Some people would view this as a failure by Hendry. Look at what actually happened here - Hendry managed to get the manager of a team that lost the World Series by ONE GAME to come to Chicago and manage a team that hadn't done shit. Baker follows through by taking the Cubs as close as they have been in several decades with a nice run in 2003. Unfortunately, due to mismanagement, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood become the all-time wins leaders in simulated games over the next few years.

Result: Baker did everything he was supposed to - not Hendry's fault the guy eats youth for breakfast. Push.

2003 - Cubs trade Jose Hernandez and Bobby Hill for Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton

Not one to roll over and die, Hendry makes a move after Corey Patterson gets hurt to keep the team rolling. Not only did Hill never top a .270 BA in his career (in addition to getting hurt shortly after the trade), but he was out of baseball two years later. Hernandez had a solid year in 2004, but was also out of baseball two years afterwards, ending a very long career. Lofton hit .327 for the Cubs that year in addition to providing stellar defense and a threat to steal bases. 50 games were never better. Oh, and that Ramirez guy? He's only been the best hitter on the team for the last 6 years. Not bad for a flier.

Result: Hendry's move keeps the Cubs alive, pays huge dividends later. Big win for Hendry.

2oo4 - Cubs get Derrek Lee and Michael Barrett for Hee Seop Choi and Damian Miller. Cubs sign LaTroy Hawkins, Todd Walker, Greg Maddux .

Every single one of those free agent signings paid dividends, especially Maddux. Yes, LaTroy Hawkins became yet another Cubs reliever of lore for being the cause of all things evil in the world (despite an ERA of 2.63). Barrett put up a couple solid hitting seasons (some of those hits being AJ Pierzynski) and worked out nicely. Derrek Lee became the Cubs second-best hitter of the past 6 years, and a hell of a fielder. To contrast, Hee Seop Choi was out of baseball just two years later, never topping a .250 BA. Miller was hitting .230 for the Cubs at the time, and although he put together two OK seasons after that, hit numbers were never as good as Barrett's.

Result: Yet another big win for Hendry.

2004 - Cubs get Nomar Garciaparra and Matt Murton for Alex Gonzalez, Brendan Harris, and Francis Beltran

Harris has managed to cling to life since this trade, and although he has never realized much potential, he's still floating around. Alex Gonzalez never played a full season again and was out of baseball two years later. Beltran tanked for the Expos, and then didn't touch a baseball until 2008 where he picked up a win with the Tigers (and has yet to play since).

In contrast, Garciaparra was still a huge name at the time. Although he was injured both years he was with the Cubs, he hit when he could. Murton had three good years for the Cubs (batting over .280 through 2007). Let's face it boys and girls - no amount of help could save the 2004 season - injuries to EVERY SINGLE CUB made sure of it.

Result: Minor victory for Hendry here. Tough luck that everyone was crippled.

2005 - Cubs deal Sammy Sosa for Jerry Hairston Jr., Mike Fontenot and David Crouthers.

Let's be clear here - Sosa had to go. When you pull one of those "pay me a bajillion dollars but I am going to leave the ballpark in disgust" things, you're gone. It also doesn't help when you're coming off the worst year of your career. Sosa had two meaningless seasons since - one with Texas and one with Baltimore - and never came close to his previous ability.

Fontenot, barring a lousy year in 2009, has been a great Cubs role-player and uber-clutch. Hairston was kind of a bum. He never topped the .260 he hit with the Cubs once in his career.

Result: Small win for Hendry. Nothing like a long term payoff for a washed up money sink.

2006 - Cubs get Jacque Jones and Juan Pierre for Ricky Nolasco, Sergio Mitre, Ranyel Pinto.

Finally, a loss for the Cubs. Nolasco has been pretty solid for Florida, Mitre had a great start to 2006 before injuries, and until this year, Pinto was great news for the Marlins as well. To contrast, Jones and Pierre were universally hated by every Cubs fan on the planet. This, of course, despite the fact that Jones his .285 in two seasons with the Cubs, and that Pierre hit .292 with 58 stolen bases. Of course, both were run out of town. Have I mentioned that Cubs fans are the worst scum of the earth?

Result: Hendry loses this one on reputation alone (although I'm going to say it's a small loss).

2007 - Cubs sign Alfonso Soriano, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, and Mark DeRosa

What's that? Despite sinking a bajillion dollars into Soriano (thank the Tribune for that contract), Hendry is able to sign three other big players for the Cubs? I'm not even going to grade this one, but suffice to say this is a great series of moves by Hendry. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.

Result: Huge win for Hendry

2008 - Cubs sign Kosuke Fukudome

This didn't work out as planned, huh? Never trust the Cubs to sit out a bidding war when the Tribune is willing to put zillions on the line. Unfortunately, this is an obvious loss for Hendry.

Result: Hendry's worst move to date

2009 - Cubs sign Milton Bradey

OK, I lied.

Result: Hendry's REALLY worst move to date. Not his fault that the guy decided to stop hitting, though.

2009 - Cubs trade DeRosa for Jeff Stevens, Chris Archer, and John Gaub

In one of the most fan-reviled moves of all time, beloved Mark DeRosa is sent away for three no-names. Stevens has actually turned out to be a solid bullpen component on an otherwise bullpen-weak team, and Gaub has been tearing up the minors last I looked. DeRosa has never come close to replicating his success on the Cubs since.

Result: Beloved or not, this is a win for Hendry thus far.

2010 - Cubs sign Marlon Byrd

Byrd has been the Cubs' best hitter this year. No ifs, ands, or buts. He's been an absolute monster at the plate and in the field as well. Thanks to Hendry, this guy is on the team.

Result: Thus far, ginormous win for Hendry.

In short, fuck you Cubs fans. Why must you complain about everything, even when it's going well? I hope you DO fire Hendry so you can wind up with some piece of shit like Brian Sabean. Then we'll see who's sorry.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Is this Heat Team Better Than the 96 Bulls (72-10)?

Still The Best Ever?

The Heat officially signed Zydrunas Ilgauskas as the 9th player on the roster, joining Mario Chalmers, Mike Miller, Jamaal Magloire, Joel Anthony, Udonis Haslem and the big three, Bosh, Wade and LeBron.

That team is looking pretty goddamn good right now. Definitely one of the best in the NBA and an obvious title contender. But, is this an all-time great team? It's impossible to say before they've even played a game (let alone a full season) but on paper, we can at least look at some comparisons. I am obviously assuming that the 96 Bulls are the best team ever assembled:

Ron Harper
Luc Longley

Steve Kerr
Randy Brown
Bill Wennington
Jud Buechler
James Edwards
John Salley
(Simpkins, Haley, Caffey - not on playoff roster)

Let's not match these team up against each other (the Bulls destroy them with Pip on LBJ, Rodman on Bosh and Jordan on Wade) but let's just think about the potential of the roster on paper. The Bulls seem a lot more segmented - each player has his specific role and was excellent at what he did. The Heat are more fluid - which could hypothetically help them fill some of their weaker areas (especially defensively and around the rim).

I think it's fair to say Jordan, Pippen and Rodman are better than LeBron, Wade and Bosh. Jordan is the greatest player to ever play the game and you can't really compare him (or his drive to win) with anyone, especially Wade. Statistically, Pippen is almost identical to LeBron except for points (20p/8r/6a/2s/1b to 27/7/7/2/1). Rodman is the greatest rebounder of all time (and one of the games best defenders). He holds the top two best rebounding seasons ever (over 18/game) and averaged 15 on this 96 Bulls team. Bosh averages 20/10 and we can assume his points will drop on this team while sharing the rock with LBJ and Wade. Rodman was also a much better defender than Bosh, by a lot.

So lets compare the other 2 starters: Kukoc and Longley/Harper to Mike Miller and Chalmers/Ilgauskas. Kukoc is much better than Mike Miller both statistically and in career arc (more reliable, more dynamic and more wins) but it's pretty close. Ilgauskas and Longley are equal (Longley was better defensively and Ilgauskas is better on offense). Ron Harper was sneaky good and certainly more proven than Chalmers at this point.

The remaining guys are mostly a wash - the Bulls had Kerr and Wennington and the Heat have Haslem and a steaming pile of shit.

As a basketball fan, I'm excited to watch the Heat this season. I think they'll lose the Lakers (if they get to the Finals) but they'll be a hell of a show. Even if they do manage to win, barring a Rondo-like surprise season from Chalmers, they won't go down as the best team ever.

Even if they win 6...


Friday, July 9, 2010

Cleveland Steamer: a chat with F.A.G

Here is my chat with Fisting Andrew Golatta this morning. It was too good not to share. Not surprisingly, he hasn't been following the LeBron saga, so this is a fresh take:

FAG: whats up, fag nipples?

me: this lebron shit is crazy man

FAG: ???

me: you watch any of this hullabaloo last night?

FAG: how long have you known me? didn't watch it. fill me in
FAG: OK, so i just read it on CNN. what's the big deal?

me: he just took a massive dump on cleveland, on live tv
me: it was funny

FAG: it's not like he's the first to do that. cleveland sucks

me: yeah but this was unprecedented

FAG: to me, it sounds like he agreed to be more of a team player and for less money, in exchange for actually winning something
FAG: can't really fault that

me: he didn't tell cleveland until the announcement.
me: he scheduled himself an hour on ESPN to shit on their face

FAG: hahahaha

me: normally, people just sign and it gets reported
me: he made a national spectacle of telling cleveland to go assfuck themselves

FAG: wait...he got his own hour on ESPN?
FAG: and used it to talk shit?
FAG: this guy is my hero!!!

me: it was insane. He held his own conference, on live tv, to tell his hometown to fuck off. Unprecedented.

FAG: so basically, he made a career move that was self-sacrificing and team-oriented but made that decision in the most asshole way possible

FAG: i love this guy!
FAG: Dude...fuck cleveland. Ohio in general is the anus of America


Thursday, July 8, 2010

Thank god this shit is over...

I'm a self-absorbed douchebag!

"I respect his decision, but as I've said before, I believe we'll be better than Miami."

"Miami will have three great players, but no center, no point guard and no cap room," Reinsdorf said before the decision. "I think we'll be better if he comes to us, but I think we'll be a great team without him."

Gar Forman:
"I remain convinced that this organization made the strongest of bids to acquire LeBron James during this free agency period," Forman's statement read. "

Those quotes are perfect - the Heat will be fun to watch but all 3 of them will suffer statistically and as a TEAM, they aren't that good. How are they going to stop Dwight Howard? How are they going to stop the Lakers (Pau and Bynum)? Put Artest on LeBron, Kobe on Wade and I think the Lakers win that battle 9 times out of 10.

The Bulls did all they could to get him and he would have made us a better team. I'm sure they offered more money, better chances of winning and anything else they but in the end it didn't matter. He was never really considering Chicago in the first place.

In the end, LeBron's decision wasn't about money. It wasn't about fame or the big stage. It wasn't even about winning. It was about LeBron having fun. I'm convinced they all committed to playing together 2 years ago in the Olympics. The month long audition was just a facade, or maybe just to decide where they would play (but it was always going to be together). In a way, it's the most selfish decision - where will I have the most fun playing? What's going to be the most fun for me? Who do I like playing with?

Bill Simmons said it best: Jordan cared about winning and Kobe about his legacy. Turns out LeBron cares about having a good time more than anything else. I can't say that makes him a bad person but it certainly makes him less of a basketball legend.


P.S. Has anyone ever shit all over a city as badly as LeBron just did? I honestly feel bad for the creatures that live in Cleveland. What a shitshow.

LeBron James: an open letter

Don't be a moron.

An open letter to LeBron James:

Dear LeBron,

I'm looking forward to your press conference tonight. I don't blame you for being an egomaniac. You're just reacting to an insane amount of public interest and the 24/7 prying of the media. Announce your decision (the biggest FA decision in NBA history) on your own terms. Give some money away to charity in the process... nice gesture. You are the best player in the NBA, you make any team an instant contender and you're in your prime. The spotlight is yours.

You have a tough decision to make: The Heat have Wade and Bosh, 2 of your buddies from the Olympics (also in their primes) and you can create a true dynasty in Miami. Even with scrubs filling out the rest of the lineup, you'll be in a great position to win a few championships and should have a lot of fun doing it. La de da, easy choice...


Miami is the worst decision you can make. If you succeed, you'll only add to Wade's glory. It's his team, his city. Miami-Wade County. Your accomplishments become diminished and even with multiple titles, you'll only be remembered as one of the big 3 (and potentially, not even the biggest... Wade will always have a title without you). If you lose... wow. It's ALL on you. The pressure is insane, with serious downside for your legacy. You also make less money and run the risk of ruining friendships (there will be finger pointing without titles). Also, the joke about signing Chris Paul next season? Financially impossible (although if everyone took a paycut to play together, you can ignore this paragraph because, fuck it, i'd want to watch that team every week).

What about the Knicks? Sure, if you can endure another few losing seasons and hope to have enough in the tank to make a run at CP3/Melo in 2011 AND develop enough talent to field a competitive team. Otherwise, it's almost as bad as in Cleveland. Now, if you know you can get CP3 in 2011 and can handle one more losing season (especially if you have to watch the Heat win from home this season) then MAYBE it's worth it. Big stage, chance to become legendary, good city, better prospects than the Cavs. But again, financially, no team can support that many superstars. 3 Elite players don't guarantee a title, in Miami or NY. You're better off going to the Heat and convincing everyone to re-work their deal in order to get Paul. If you want to WIN, the Knicks don't make any sense unless you are a totally self-absorbed egomaniac (very much in the realm of possibility).


There is Chicago.

The historic Chicago Bulls. The city of broad shoulders. A chance to join the most well-rounded team with cap space to pay you what you deserve and a city that can rival NY for endorsement cash. A chance to win titles now and for the next decade. But most importantly, a chance to rival Michael Jordan as the best player of all time. BEST. OF. ALL. TIME. A lineup of Rose, LeBron, Boozer, Noah and Deng would be tough to beat. We could also move Deng, sign Korver and have space for improvement in 2011 (Melo?). This would give us the edge against the Magic and Lakers (a true C and PF in the front court, something the Heat or Knicks will not have - only the Bulls can matchup with Howard or Pau and Bynum).

If you care about winning and you care about your place in the pantheon of NBA legends, Chicago is the choice.

You only get one.


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Bulls get Drunk on Boozer

Boozer: 5 Years, $80M.

Wade: 6 years $125M
Bosh: 6 years $95-125M (depending on if it's a sign and trade)
Joe Johnson: 6 years, $119M
Amare: 5 years, $100M

I'm not unhappy - we still have room for a max (if Lebron want's to win a title) and didn't break the bank for a guy who averaged 1.5 less ppg and 3 more rpg than Amare last season. Also, if we missed on Boozer, we would have had to sign David Lee, who is useless.

This is a good deal, he makes us instantly better and is a great addition to Rose/Noah/Deng and provides much needed inside scoring.

I like it. I like it a lot.

Updated LeBron odds:
Knicks: 50%
Cavs: 20%
Heat: 15%
Bulls 15%


NBA Update: Bosh and Wade to Miami

Lebron Watch 2010:
40% Cleveland
25% NY
25% Miami
5% Chicago

We could still sign Boozer/D.Lee and JJ Redick/Ray Allen/Mike Miller and field a pretty solid squad with some depth. It'll be tough to get past Miami in the East though... especially if they DON'T get Lebron and sign 3-4 good support guys like the ones above.

This summer sucks.


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

NBA Free Agency: Like a Pedophile in a Kindergarten Class


As everyone knows (thanks to an insane amount of media coverage), this is the biggest free agent bonanza the NBA has ever seen. The big names include LeBron, Wade, Bosh, Amare, Boozer, Dirk, Pierce and Joe Johnson. Amare just signed with the Knicks (not a bad deal, if he brings others) and Johnson is going to stay with the Hawks for a max deal which is apparently fair market value. But if you're a Hawks fan, you want to find market value, and strangle it to death.

Since everyone else is doing it, here are some arbitrary grades and predictions!


Knicks: F

Sure, they got Amare but it's clearly a last-gasp effort to get a blue chip FA before the big 3 spurn the big apple. Amare is a really good player. How he'll play without Nash on a weak team (and on a bum knee with one half of an eyeball) remains to be determined. Unless they ALSO get another really good player, this is a failure of an offseason, considering the tanked last year and traded everything just for the opportunity to get a top 3 guy.

Hawks: F

Seriously. 6 years, 120M for a borderline all-star. Did I mention you'll be paying him until he's 35? Stupendous!

Bosh: I think he'll flirt with the idea of creating a super-team in Miami but will eventually end up in Chicago. It makes too much sense: we've needed a low post guy forever, he can play the 4 with Noah at 5 and he'll get his max deal in a major market city. With NY signing Amare, barring a sign and trade to Cleveland (which I don't know how the Cavs would pull off) or a deal to Miami, I see him on the Bulls.
Team: Bulls
Confidence: Would bet my AC (it's 100 degrees out today)

Wade: This one is tricky. He's throwing everyone for a loop by flirting with Chicago after calling out the organization for being disloyal to former players. Is he distracting us while recruiting the other guys? Is he really considering Chicago? His family does live here and he is in the middle of a divorce... so, it's not crazy. Don't see him in NY but I think he likes Miami too much to leave without going into a sure-fire winning situation. So, either he stays and Miami gets Bosh too (fuck) or he goes to Chicago with Bosh (sure-fucking-fire).
Team: Miami
Confidence: Would bet my adopted son, Julio (he's retarded).

LeBron: the crown jewel of this FA class and the least predictable of them all. He's given no indication of where he'll go and has met with all the major prospects: Bulls, Nets, Clips, Heat, Cavs and Knicks. He makes any of those teams an immediate contender. The Cavs will not agree to a sign and trade, so for a guy who's money-conscious, he'd need to make up the cash difference in a major market (which all of these teams have). Honestly, I have no clue what he values, what kind of guy he is or how much he values loyalty versus living in the set of The Book of Eli. There are really only 4 options:

1) He joins a super team with the other guys in Miami.
2) He and Bosh/Wade join the Bulls
3) He and Wade join the Nets/Clips
4) He re-signs in Cleveland and they get Bosh

I think sadly, that 4 is the most probable although that increases the likelihood that the Bulls get Wade, which is nice. I don't see him joining a super team (it dilutes his Kingship) and I don't see him going to Miami (not a good team even with Wade). So he's either going to Chicago (yay) or staying in Cleveland (boo) and if he stays in Cleveland, he might take Bosh with him (boo!!). He's probably going to stay in Cleveland but I hope he moves, just cause it's more exciting.
Team: Clippers (just to be contrarian)
Confidence: Wouldn't bet my sack hair on it

Nobody knows anything and we're all waiting for Thursday anyway, so here's a clip:


Monday, July 5, 2010

Brian Anderson Update: Still Not on the All-Star Roster

I am Batman

Inexplicably, the All-Star voting did not result in Brian Anderson going to the All-Star game. It was not revealed how many votes he got (I'm sure it was on par with Albert Pujols), but there was some sort of behind-the-scenes collusion that resulted in a snub.

Of course, Brian took it all in stride, putting together his most impressive performance to date:

Anderson, the White Sox's first-round pick in the 2003 draft, threw a scoreless first inning Sunday in his professional pitching debut for Kansas City's rookie affiliate in the Arizona League. Anderson, the Sox's 2006 opening day center fielder, struck out two and allowed an infield hit to Yair Lopez of San Diego's rookie team.

Obviously, an overzealous editor got to this copy before it hit the press - let me give you the unedited version:

Brian Motherfucking Anderson, quite possibly the best player ever, threw a scoreless first inning Sunday. This should not surprise you, because he is fucking amazing. He fucking owned the other team. Seriously. They were all like "Oh Shit It's Brian Anderson!" and then the inning was over. Anderson, the Sox's 2006 opening day center fielder, struck out two batters, causing them to shit themselves. Also, it is believed that approximately 80% of the crowd wet their panties, including the males.

That's more like it.