Cleveland Steamer: a chat with F.A.G

Here is my chat with Fisting Andrew Golatta this morning. It was too good not to share. Not surprisingly, he hasn't been following the LeBron saga, so this is a fresh take:

FAG: whats up, fag nipples?

me: this lebron shit is crazy man

FAG: ???

me: you watch any of this hullabaloo last night?

FAG: how long have you known me? didn't watch it. fill me in
FAG: OK, so i just read it on CNN. what's the big deal?

me: he just took a massive dump on cleveland, on live tv
me: it was funny

FAG: it's not like he's the first to do that. cleveland sucks

me: yeah but this was unprecedented

FAG: to me, it sounds like he agreed to be more of a team player and for less money, in exchange for actually winning something
FAG: can't really fault that

me: he didn't tell cleveland until the announcement.
me: he scheduled himself an hour on ESPN to shit on their face

FAG: hahahaha

me: normally, people just sign and it gets reported
me: he made a national spectacle of telling cleveland to go assfuck themselves


FAG: wait...he got his own hour on ESPN?
FAG: and used it to talk shit?
FAG: this guy is my hero!!!

me: it was insane. He held his own conference, on live tv, to tell his hometown to fuck off. Unprecedented.

FAG: so basically, he made a career move that was self-sacrificing and team-oriented but made that decision in the most asshole way possible

FAG: i love this guy!
FAG: Dude...fuck cleveland. Ohio in general is the anus of America

-KEG

Thank god this shit is over...

I'm a self-absorbed douchebag!

Reinsdorf:
"I respect his decision, but as I've said before, I believe we'll be better than Miami."

"Miami will have three great players, but no center, no point guard and no cap room," Reinsdorf said before the decision. "I think we'll be better if he comes to us, but I think we'll be a great team without him."

Gar Forman:
"I remain convinced that this organization made the strongest of bids to acquire LeBron James during this free agency period," Forman's statement read. "


Those quotes are perfect - the Heat will be fun to watch but all 3 of them will suffer statistically and as a TEAM, they aren't that good. How are they going to stop Dwight Howard? How are they going to stop the Lakers (Pau and Bynum)? Put Artest on LeBron, Kobe on Wade and I think the Lakers win that battle 9 times out of 10.

The Bulls did all they could to get him and he would have made us a better team. I'm sure they offered more money, better chances of winning and anything else they but in the end it didn't matter. He was never really considering Chicago in the first place.

In the end, LeBron's decision wasn't about money. It wasn't about fame or the big stage. It wasn't even about winning. It was about LeBron having fun. I'm convinced they all committed to playing together 2 years ago in the Olympics. The month long audition was just a facade, or maybe just to decide where they would play (but it was always going to be together). In a way, it's the most selfish decision - where will I have the most fun playing? What's going to be the most fun for me? Who do I like playing with?

Bill Simmons said it best: Jordan cared about winning and Kobe about his legacy. Turns out LeBron cares about having a good time more than anything else. I can't say that makes him a bad person but it certainly makes him less of a basketball legend.

-KEG

P.S. Has anyone ever shit all over a city as badly as LeBron just did? I honestly feel bad for the creatures that live in Cleveland. What a shitshow.

LeBron James: an open letter

Don't be a moron.

An open letter to LeBron James:

Dear LeBron,

I'm looking forward to your press conference tonight. I don't blame you for being an egomaniac. You're just reacting to an insane amount of public interest and the 24/7 prying of the media. Announce your decision (the biggest FA decision in NBA history) on your own terms. Give some money away to charity in the process... nice gesture. You are the best player in the NBA, you make any team an instant contender and you're in your prime. The spotlight is yours.

You have a tough decision to make: The Heat have Wade and Bosh, 2 of your buddies from the Olympics (also in their primes) and you can create a true dynasty in Miami. Even with scrubs filling out the rest of the lineup, you'll be in a great position to win a few championships and should have a lot of fun doing it. La de da, easy choice...

Wrong.

Miami is the worst decision you can make. If you succeed, you'll only add to Wade's glory. It's his team, his city. Miami-Wade County. Your accomplishments become diminished and even with multiple titles, you'll only be remembered as one of the big 3 (and potentially, not even the biggest... Wade will always have a title without you). If you lose... wow. It's ALL on you. The pressure is insane, with serious downside for your legacy. You also make less money and run the risk of ruining friendships (there will be finger pointing without titles). Also, the joke about signing Chris Paul next season? Financially impossible (although if everyone took a paycut to play together, you can ignore this paragraph because, fuck it, i'd want to watch that team every week).

What about the Knicks? Sure, if you can endure another few losing seasons and hope to have enough in the tank to make a run at CP3/Melo in 2011 AND develop enough talent to field a competitive team. Otherwise, it's almost as bad as in Cleveland. Now, if you know you can get CP3 in 2011 and can handle one more losing season (especially if you have to watch the Heat win from home this season) then MAYBE it's worth it. Big stage, chance to become legendary, good city, better prospects than the Cavs. But again, financially, no team can support that many superstars. 3 Elite players don't guarantee a title, in Miami or NY. You're better off going to the Heat and convincing everyone to re-work their deal in order to get Paul. If you want to WIN, the Knicks don't make any sense unless you are a totally self-absorbed egomaniac (very much in the realm of possibility).

But...

There is Chicago.

The historic Chicago Bulls. The city of broad shoulders. A chance to join the most well-rounded team with cap space to pay you what you deserve and a city that can rival NY for endorsement cash. A chance to win titles now and for the next decade. But most importantly, a chance to rival Michael Jordan as the best player of all time. BEST. OF. ALL. TIME. A lineup of Rose, LeBron, Boozer, Noah and Deng would be tough to beat. We could also move Deng, sign Korver and have space for improvement in 2011 (Melo?). This would give us the edge against the Magic and Lakers (a true C and PF in the front court, something the Heat or Knicks will not have - only the Bulls can matchup with Howard or Pau and Bynum).

If you care about winning and you care about your place in the pantheon of NBA legends, Chicago is the choice.

You only get one.

-KEG

Bulls get Drunk on Boozer

Boozer: 5 Years, $80M.

Perspective:
Wade: 6 years $125M
Bosh: 6 years $95-125M (depending on if it's a sign and trade)
Joe Johnson: 6 years, $119M
Amare: 5 years, $100M

I'm not unhappy - we still have room for a max (if Lebron want's to win a title) and didn't break the bank for a guy who averaged 1.5 less ppg and 3 more rpg than Amare last season. Also, if we missed on Boozer, we would have had to sign David Lee, who is useless.

This is a good deal, he makes us instantly better and is a great addition to Rose/Noah/Deng and provides much needed inside scoring.

I like it. I like it a lot.

Updated LeBron odds:
Knicks: 50%
Cavs: 20%
Heat: 15%
Bulls 15%


KEG

NBA Update: Bosh and Wade to Miami

Lebron Watch 2010:
40% Cleveland
25% NY
25% Miami
5% LAC/NJ
5% Chicago

We could still sign Boozer/D.Lee and JJ Redick/Ray Allen/Mike Miller and field a pretty solid squad with some depth. It'll be tough to get past Miami in the East though... especially if they DON'T get Lebron and sign 3-4 good support guys like the ones above.

This summer sucks.

KEG