Monday, October 26, 2009

Just Fucking Kill Me

Strong-armed mopey bitch

Revenge, served cold by CedB

Well, shit.

It turns out our offensive line can't pass block. This wasn't obvious in the past few seasons when we ran the ball 30x/game and threw nothing but short passes and screens. In trying to protect Cutler for more than 2-3 seconds this season, it's become painfully obvious.

Hence, we need to establish the run early. Even at less than 4 yards/carry, it's important to get Forte warmed up and keep the line fresh. It takes a lot more energy to pass protect than to run block and our line is old as shit (and mostly crippled). This also sets up a plausible play-action pass (which thus far, has been as unrealistic as TPC lasting more than than 2 pumps).

I hate pointing fingers as football is really a team game and everyone is responsible but a lot of shit stems from our bad O-line. Forte looks like crap and isn't getting opportunities, Cutler is getting beat up and facing lots of double coverage and our defense spends a lot of time on the field. And without Urlacher/Harris, that's not a good situation.

Some quick notes:
1) Hester will make a great second WR for the Bears once we get a big physical target for Cutler.
2) What happened to Nathan Vasher? Remember when he was good?
3) Carson Palmer is a really good QB when healthy.
4) Cedric Benson looks like the real deal. I want to be happy for the guy, but when you try to rub it in going for 200 yards in the 4th quarter, you're dead to me.
5) I'm happy we have Gaines Adams but we have no high picks next year in a REALLY deep draft.

A question: Are we rooting for Favre in GB next weekend? I think my head is going to explode.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Well That Was Depressing


I don't think that Cutler is really to blame for last night's shitshow, but he's certainly the "face of the franchise" enough where we can (try to) blame it on him. Let's see where the blame really falls, shall we?

Bears Defense:
(2/5 retards)

While they didn't look particularly punishing, and they didn't really manage to put any sort of pressure on Matt Ryan, it wasn't a terrible effort. Sure, there were a bunch of blown plays where the defense seemed to be confused about what position they play (hint: it's defense) before the snap, and there were definitely some blown coverages. That said, they still managed a slightly-better-than-terrible game with their third reserve linebacker in the fray - they managed to break Norwood before he broke them, and Michael Turner was limited for the most part.

Bears Offense:
(3/5 retards)

Now we're getting somewhere. Cutler made a few retarded throws (my personal favorite being the rifle shot 10 yards downfield of Greg Olsen...right into a Falcon), and Matt Forte is becoming my least favorite player on the squad. You can't fumble EVERY SINGLE DOWN and expect to win the game. That said, even though the ground game was shit, Cutler had a sick run in the 4th to set up an Olsen TD, and receivers sacrificed themselves (see: Earl Bennett's catch that set the Bears up for 4th and 1) in order to keep the game close. Even with their fuckups, we still scored twice.

Special Teams:
(4/5 retards)

That "too many men on the field" penalty is worth two retard points all by itself. When you've just stopped their offense, the last thing you want to do is say "Hey! How about you guys give it another go?" Throw in some lax return defense (I don't even want to think about the returns in the 4th quarter from the past two years), and you've got yourself a scapegoat in the making.

Offensive Line:
(5/5 retards or 1 Ron Turner)

And THERE's your cause of failure. When the Falcons can bring a three man rush against FIVE of our fatasses and STILL put Cutler on his ass, you have a problem. When the Offensive Line commits penalty after penalty to push you out of the red zone, that is a problem. When Orlando Pace draws a brutal penalty on a must-get 4th and 1, you've got yourself a full retard. You never go full retard.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Best Post Of All Time

This was posted in my fantasy league this morning (from the guy I'm beating this week):

well as you may have noticed, my team is in a todd heap of trouble. early in the season i dealt with some hakeem nicks and bruises, and definitely made a bunch of bad tashard choices. without a doubt, my team was jason snelling up the joint. i mean, sometimes its tough to justine gage the wax and reggie wayne of the league, who will be good and who will get injured. it takes a lot of justin forsett to know in advance which players are gonna take a dennis northcutt and who will fall into the beanie wells. but after this weeks loss, im just jeremy shockey-ed and mike furey-ious. im liable to marshawn lynch all the non-lyndale and roddie whites out on this lonely heyward bey ive brought myself to.

i cant help but think about the better fantasy times, when i was sitting in the tim hightower of my matt cassell. i was eddie and robert royal-ty! anquan em-boldin-ed by my success, id go to bars where id jeremy macklin on chicks with huuuuge stevie breastons, and if they were lucky, take them delhomme. i had the world in the carson palmer of my hand.

so here i am samkon gado, beseaching, nay, stephen-howlings, to you from this lonely heyward bay (or is it a brian westbrook? i never remember). samkon gado, clear my steve slaton. cut me some joe flacco. champ bailey me out of this. i know i dont have the greatest team ever, but im chansi stuckey with them and just have to make do. look, i know you dont necessarily terrell owens it to me - heck, every since ive been a vince young lad in my josh cribbs ive practically worshipped the leonard pope.

all i know though is if my team doesnt wake up and smell the glen coffee soon, i may joseph addai a very slow, painful fantasy addeath.

ps. please kill braylon edwards and jets D tonight

Neckbeard's Revenge

Those socks are really gay.

I'm happy for Kyle Orton.

He's a likable dude. Forced to sit behind the erratic Sex Cannon after going 10-5 as a rookie and getting traded out of Chicago despite being a steady and consistent, low-risk quarterback, all he ever did was... everything that was ever asked of him.

He even embraced his awesome Neckbeard moniker and definitely set the record for most ridiculous off-field picture gallery..

He never complained, even after he outplayed Grossman for several games and still had to ride pine. Even when he got the "game manager" title, played hurt and got booed. He didn't complain when he got traded to a shitty team up in the mountains with a rookie head coach.

Here's to you Neckbeard. Bravo. Keep up the good work.

Oh and enjoy the rocky mountain brew:

Monday, October 5, 2009

We Got This

OK, let's not blow this out of proportion. We're 3-1, but we've still had some work to do. Let's be honest here - EVERY NFL team wishes that they could play the Lions. They are the scum of the NFL and...oh who am I kidding? THE BEARS ARE THE BEST TEAM EVER AND WE SHOULD ALL KNEEL BEFORE THEM. I'm sure this play is going to get way too much coverage, but just look at it:

Wow! That is sheer badassery. Jay Cutler is singlehandedly making this team worth a damn. He's bringing out the best in his receivers, he's taking hits for the team, and he's throwing LASER BEAMS. Kyle Orton is 4-0, and I definately miss his Neckbearness, but 'tis the future. Sure, he may be a whiny emo diabetic bitch, but who cares?

Jay Cutler, we salute you.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Damn You Fantasy Football

Hurry! San Francisco D is just...too...powerful...!

Fucking San Francisco. I had this thing in the bag. My amazingly overachieving fantasy team, previously the UNDEFEATED overachieving fantasy team, seems to have met a limit to its powers. As the Haitian, my role is not to outperform everyone else in the league - no, my goal is to suck the life out of the team I am playing for that one week, and beat them with a mediocre performance. For the first three weeks, it worked.

This week, I play against The BearHorse Jew, a mighty opponent. Expected to trounce me at all positions, I concentrated my energies to the dangerous areas - Tony Romo, Clinton Portis, Fred Jackson - and slowly began to drain the power from them. As the day wore on, the majority of his players were well below their anticipated output.

And then there was San Francisco D.

As I can only negate individual position players, I was unprepared for the THREE TOUCHDOWNS that San Francisco would have, essentially putting the fantasy win out of reach. Sure, it's possible that Aaron Rodgers and Donald Lee will somehow combine for 45 points, but realistically speaking, I doubt it. Fucking San Fran.