Well That Was Depressing

YOUR MAGIC INSULIN - YOU MUST GIVE IT TO ME. THE FATE OF THE WORLD DEPENDS ON IT!

I don't think that Cutler is really to blame for last night's shitshow, but he's certainly the "face of the franchise" enough where we can (try to) blame it on him. Let's see where the blame really falls, shall we?

Bears Defense:
(2/5 retards)
While they didn't look particularly punishing, and they didn't really manage to put any sort of pressure on Matt Ryan, it wasn't a terrible effort. Sure, there were a bunch of blown plays where the defense seemed to be confused about what position they play (hint: it's defense) before the snap, and there were definitely some blown coverages. That said, they still managed a slightly-better-than-terrible game with their third reserve linebacker in the fray - they managed to break Norwood before he broke them, and Michael Turner was limited for the most part.

Bears Offense:
(3/5 retards)

Now we're getting somewhere. Cutler made a few retarded throws (my personal favorite being the rifle shot 10 yards downfield of Greg Olsen...right into a Falcon), and Matt Forte is becoming my least favorite player on the squad. You can't fumble EVERY SINGLE DOWN and expect to win the game. That said, even though the ground game was shit, Cutler had a sick run in the 4th to set up an Olsen TD, and receivers sacrificed themselves (see: Earl Bennett's catch that set the Bears up for 4th and 1) in order to keep the game close. Even with their fuckups, we still scored twice.

Special Teams:
(4/5 retards)

That "too many men on the field" penalty is worth two retard points all by itself. When you've just stopped their offense, the last thing you want to do is say "Hey! How about you guys give it another go?" Throw in some lax return defense (I don't even want to think about the returns in the 4th quarter from the past two years), and you've got yourself a scapegoat in the making.


Offensive Line:
(5/5 retards or 1 Ron Turner)

And THERE's your cause of failure. When the Falcons can bring a three man rush against FIVE of our fatasses and STILL put Cutler on his ass, you have a problem. When the Offensive Line commits penalty after penalty to push you out of the red zone, that is a problem. When Orlando Pace draws a brutal penalty on a must-get 4th and 1, you've got yourself a full retard. You never go full retard.

At least the Hawks have the right idea

Might need a new banner after this season

With the Blackhawks going nose-to-the-grindstone and pulling out a big win, it makes me wonder what the hell the baseball teams are doing right now. The Hawks don't have the injury problems the other teams do (although after seeing Kane and Toews get splattered about 20 times in the 3rd period of Saturday night's game, I'm surprised they don't), but it's not about the roster - it's about heart.

"Falco, this team needs heart...and I need the number of that chick from the bar. You know who I'm talking about."

Instead of putting up a fight, both the Sox and the Cubs have been laying down in the mud to die for the past couple of days. Sure, there were some wins that came out of it, but realistically, both teams should be lucky with the wins they have.

Cubs:
I don't even know where to start here. Trading DeRosa to free up the contract for Bradley could still pay off, but right now the Cubs are starting a paper-thin infield of Aaron Miles, Theriot, and Fontenot. If any one of those three guys gets hurt or need a night off, there's going to be all sorts of problems (Freel isn't even healthy yet, and the next in line is Bobby "How Did I Get Here" Scales).

Next, there's the interesting case of the rotation. First of all, everyone and their mother should have known that Ryan Dempster was due for a harsh dose of reality - he's got the potential to be good, but he never should have been as good as he was. It was like Jon Garland in the first few months of the '05 season - just completely out of character. Likewise, Lilly and Harden have been streaky (and I still fully expect Harden to take a trip to the DL soon - have I mentioned that you never EVER trade with Oakland?). Zambrano is also out for trying to be a hitter when he should have been a pitcher. And the bullpen? Please. Marmol and Gregg are the most "consistent" out of the 'pen with only two heart attacks per 5 IP. Oh, and for those of you keeping score at home, Michael Wuertz has a 1.62 ERA with 14 K in 16 IP with OAKLAND. Yikes.

Sox:
It's so depressing I can hardly stand it. Not only was Brian Anderson sidelined after a hot start, but with Wise also nursing injuries, Brent Lillibridge is seeing daily action (Ozzie refuses to put Ramirez in CF...why?). Lillibridge is the equivalent of a fantastic dump - you don't mind looking at it for a little bit to marvel your handiwork, but then you realize the fumes have killed your cat and you flush it away. You don't sit there and let the shit permeate your home - which is exactly what Lillibridge is doing.

Next, you've got the problem of the "free swingers." Alexei has a swing as long as Luol's Dong, and it's making him completely useless. Josh Fields is also showing less patience than the beginning of the season, and don't even get me started on Lillibridge again. All in all, it makes for some serious rally-killing, as the only guys who DO get on base are too slow to take more than one bag at a time. I still think we should trade as many vets as possible at the deadline to take a legit shot at being a 2010 or 2011 contender.

Finally, the pitching staff is JUST Buerhle and Danks. Floyd has been as erratic as I feared he would be, showing that a curveball just isn't enough to get it done. Likewise, Colon has just run out of gas (pun intended) in most of his starts, providing 5-6 solid innings of work but not much more. Contreras is just godawful, and is likely done barring a remastery of his forkball. And instead of calling up Poreda or giving proper rest to Clayton Richard (who has been groomed as a starter since...forever), Guillen is looking at Broadway or Carrasco to pick up the slack. Welcome to the 5th starter black hole once again.

The Rest:
The Bears are rumored to be interested in Amani Toomer - if you can't get Torry Holt, why not get the older and slower imitation? Maybe he'll bring in a veteran presence.

Jeremy Mayfield became the first NASCAR driver to fail a drug test. What the fuck do you need to take 'roids for in NASCAR!? Is the wheel that hard to turn? Did you need a few extra feet off of your victory backflip? Do you need to hold the car up during pit sessions? Jesus you're dumb.

Look how much faster I can go!

Which One is More Retarded Looking?

The world may never know.

Vote for your retard in the comments!

White Sox Get Griffey...and His Gigantism

It's like there's a party in my mouth - and everyone's invited!

Well, Kenny got his man. He wanted Griffey bad, and it only took about SIX YEARS to get him. We trades Massett (I called that one, easy) and Richar (he may be missed if someone in the infield gets hurt), and we got the Reds to eat half his salary. Griffey OK's the deal, and now the fun part is over.

Now what?

We've got an old man - granted, a Cooperstown-bound old man - and nowhere to play him. The obvious gap is in centerfield, but I would sooner play Konerko in center than Griffey, and Swisher already has been covering more ground there than Griffey has in 8 years. RF or LF? The corners are clearly filled with two of our best hitters, Quentin and Dye. Well, what about 1B? We have better options defensively (Swisher, Konerko), and both are less likely to cripple themselves playing there.

So...we're paying over six million for a DH who's over the hill. Last I checked, we HAD one of those in Jim Thome, and unless there's a new "Really Fucking American" League where you can have two DH's, we don't have room for two guys like that.

And now we wonder - what the hell did we get Griffey for? I'm down to three theories:

#1. (Unlikely) Paulie is headed for the DL. Ozzie knows, Kenny knows, and they need to plan accordingly. This deal makes even less sense, considering Anderson could play CF and Swisher could play 1B. Griffey's presence here is meaningless.

#2. (Likely, but stupid) Griffey becomes the left-handed supersub that Rob Mackowiak was supposed to be, complete with sub-par fielding ability. Griffey can still hit for power, and I can easily see Ozzie using him as "rest" player. He plays LF when Quentin rests, RF when Dye rests, and DH when Thome rests. It's not really "starting," but Griffey came over because he wants to win...even if it means he doesn't play every day.

#3. (Absolutely) Brett Favre is coming over as part of a waiver deal in August. Book it.

Ah, love

And stay the fuck out of my Captain Crunch!

This is one of those stories you read that's just too good to pass up:

Man loses eye in Cubs-Sox argument in Huntley

Steele and his fiancée, April Bieze, said they went to the Abby Cadabby-Sesame Street-themed party that afternoon for Bieze’s 2-year-old niece. Bob Czapla and the other men were drinking vodka and beer and started taunting Steele with claims that White Sox fans had missing teeth, Bieze said.

“We were going to leave, but they convinced us that they were just joking around,” Bieze said.

Yet the taunts escalated and turned more personal, Steele said. Bob Czapla punched Steele, and the pair began to struggle before the two other men helped knock him to the garage floor and started kicking him in the head, Steele said.

Steele’s nose and orbital bone were broken and he lost his right eye in the attack after he was kicked in the face with a steel-toed boot.

So, let me get this straight: you're at a fucking SESAME STREET-themed party, drinking heavily with your fiancee. This is already slightly ridiculous. Then, you start arguing with a Cubs fan who has been drinking. This is like calling Olive Oyl a slut to Popeye's face at a Spinach factory - probably not the best idea.

Best of all, the guy has friends! Two other guys helped get this dumb bastard to the floor and beat the shit out of him. You've gotta wonder what sort of comeback he had to "Sox fans have bad teeth" to get that sort of reaction out of a bunch of drunk Cubs fans.

My guess:

"Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom."
"Thanks for inviting me."
"This party sure was fun. My kids are having a great time."
"That's a mighty fine drain this garage has - I'd like a closer look."

So, the logical thing happens - Cubs fans beat the shit out of you and knock out your eye with a steel-toed boot. Go fig. The victim has a "hilarious" joke afterwards:

"They said I’ll be able to do pretty much everything except fly an airplane,” Steele joked. “If I fall down, my family’s going to fall down. I’m up for my family.”

I don't get it.

Cedric's Weekend Planner

Me handsome.

Sometimes you've got to wonder what a guy like Cedric Benson does in his spare time. I mean, he's obviously got an expansive skillset: DUI, BUI (it's like a DUI, but with a boat), Boating While Black and so on. However, since we dumped Benson, he has even MORE free time on his hands. What's Cedric the Entertainer doing with his newfound offseason free time?

-23%- Harassing the Madden guys to correct his speed rating for next season. Gotta make sure he looks good to prospective teams.

-19%- Practicing walking, then moving on to running. Man, this staying upright thing is hard!

-12%- Sending Cedric the Entertainer letters threatening to sue for defamation of character.

-8%- Planning, just in case they discover a way to install a pot-detecting lock.

-4%- Attending court

-20%- Watching Night Court instead.

-10%- Opening "condolence" cards from Thomas Jones

-4%- Boat shopping


Oh Cedric - shine on you crazy diamond!

Kicking It Old School

Let's face it - Chicago gets its fair share of sports anomalies. We're known for players who are crazy good (see: Michael Jordan), and just plain crazy (see: Dennis Rodman). With Benson's most recent arrest, it's time to show some love for one of our less publicized skills: law-breaking. Without further ado, I present the all-time Chicago criminals...MLS lineup.

What, you can't have criminals play soccer? Screw you, I can do what I want.

Striker: Wil Cordero

Go Go Gadget Knees!

Wil Cordero is criminal soccer's version of "The Natural," and is definately an all-star at his position. Just listen to this:

"Red Sox outfielder Wilfredo Cordero, facing charges of assaulting his current wife, also allegedly beat his former wife when she was pregnant, according to a court document obtained by the Boston Globe."

This guy beat the shit out of his current wife, and he struck the pregnant ex-wife. Not only that, but he was resourceful enough to do it with a telephone! If that doesn't qualify him to be a "striker," I don't know what does. In terms of actual sports ability, Cordero was a Silver Slugger in 1997, and even though the ligaments in his arms are shot, I'll bet his legs still work.

Striker: Albert BelleWhat me worry?

I put Albert here based on potential. When it comes to being a striker, Belle has an incredibly high ceiling. Just look at the trouble he went through for stalking his girlfriend:

"[Belle]...was been arrested and charged in February, then arrested again May 17 at his Scottsdale home after he again contacted the victim. He has been jailed since the second arrest and received credit for time served only since he entered his plea. Belle's former girlfriend told police in January that she discovered a Global Positioning System tracking device that had fallen off her car. She also said Belle had threatened her."

That's just in stalking her! Can you imagine the potential if he actually got close? This guy could be perennial all-star!

Midfielder/Forward: Cedric BensonThis image can do no wrong.

Cedric could have been a forward, but something about needing to be able to run 10 consecutive steps forces me to downgrade him to midfielder. When he has an open field in front of him, he likes to fall down - in soccer, this is good! They call it "slide tackling." You need him to fall down to block midfield passing. As a midfielder, his job is to connect the forwards and defenders, as well as disrupt the same interaction for the opposing team. Not only that, but you know Cedric has some fight in him as well, racking up multiple violations in the same year. This is a guy you want to keep things rowdy in the midfield, pepper spray be damned.

Midfielder/Forward: Michael JordanContrary to popular belief, I am only 99% perfect.

Jordan could probably play midfielder (athletically speaking) even without me making things up. However, when you see how Jordan handled his gambling - bridging that gap between gambler and player flawlessly - you see how he could bring your MLS team to a whole new level with quick, accurate passes and a deep pockets for the occasional lawsuit.

Midfielder/Forward: Joakim Noah"KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!"

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the midfielder is responsible for bridging the gap between the offense and defense. Noah is already a pro, having already bridged his fantasy drug-induced world with our own. If he can concentrate on the game long enough to remember which team he's on, he could be a valuable asset to the team...provided Ben Wallace allows him to play.

Midfielder/Forward: Tuomo Ruutu

But...I didn't do anything!

Ruutu is an interesting case. He qualifies for the list because he was arrested, but he was arrested because he looked like a criminal, not because he was one. Frankly, I'm torn about putting him on this list, but I think he has the actual experience needed to be a midfielder, and if we're even going to pretend to be competitve, ONE of these choices has to make a little bit of sense.

Defenders: Lance Briggs, Alonzo Spellman, Brian Urlacher, Tank Johnson

How can you argue with these selections? You've got your explosive/lunatic speedsters in Spellman and Briggs, and you get your hard-hitters in Urlacher and Johnson. Briggs is obviously the sweeper in this group - his experience with roaming the secondary on the Bears pays off here. Johnson provides the muscle for this group, and keeps the opposing team on their toes...by shooting at them. Urlacher can read incomind attacks - and respond with threatening text messages while Spellman can just try and blow up the whole fucking stadium to match any one of his exploits.

Basically, this is the defensive unit you do NOT fuck with. Just like the real Bears, their strength is in their D.

Goalie: Roland Harper

Roland? Call me Lando

Here's a guy you want in front of the net with the game on the line. Harper was always a good blocker with great hands, so you already knew he could handle a flimsy little ball. Then we learned that he had sticky fingers, too, and now he becomes the automatic choice for goalie. Best of all, if any one of these other players goes down with an injury (cough JAIL SENTANCE cough), Harper could fill in for any one of them, and get'er done.

Coach: William Ligue

Hugs and kisses!

This guy knows what the game needs, and how to play your cards. Enough said.

Oh, and lest we forget about this guy - UTILITY PLAYER.

Joakim Noah Does Drugs

NO FUCKING SHIT.

Start Doing Something Stupid, Already!

I don't know how much longer I can take this!

What happened to our reputation for producing news-worthy stories of criminal and moronic intent on a regular basis? There hasn't been ONE Chicago sports athlete of ANY KIND involved in a murder, shooting, or off-the-field (police related) incident since Lance Briggs crashed his "Stolen" Lamborghini on the expressway. I refuse to believe that our Chicago-based beasts have become tamed and law-abiding.

Where are our reliable stories? Why isn't Dennis Rodman punching some random reporter in the balls for me? Why did Tank have to get traded? What endangered bird is Jae Kuk Ryu targeting next? How come the White Sox signed Will Cordero the one year that he WASN'T beating his wife?

We need to establish a new group of morons to keep things up while Briggs and Uribe take a break from crime.

I nominate:

Ben Wallace -- This guy is a giant and always looks exhausted before the game even begins. He's got a gigantic contract, so he's got the money to spend at night. If it gets his ass run out of town, all the better.

Lance Briggs -- Yeah, I know I said new, but he's already established, and he has the entire offseason to get back into criminal form. He's already got the Lamborghini thing going for him, but to reach the big time, he's going to have to be involved with somebody's death. Get on that.

Bobby Jenks -- I can see it now: "Fast food worker crushed to death -- was asked for entire stock of hamburgers, and when he failed to produce them, a larger patron apparently landed on him with enough force to shoot his internal organs out of his nose. Film at 11."

Geovany Soto -- This guy looks like he's been involved in the mafia forever, and seeing as the Cubs have nothing else they can throw in at catcher for a while, he should be safe to do pretty much whatever he wants. I trust this guy as much as I trust Kenny Williams' offseason "plan."