SHOCKING NEWS!!

Flinstones vitamins and lots of hard work

OMG!!!!

I am SO surprised right now.

Apparently, someone started a rumor that Slammin' Sammy Sosa used steroids during his HR barrage over the last decade and now the media is COMPLETELY FABRICATING some kind of "test result" from 2003 to turn public opinion against him.

I am so upset. This is totally unexpected.

For someone who praised the lord with kisses after every home run, who corked his bat ONLY to provide entertainment during batting practice and proved to be such an admirable role model in his friendly competition with that steroid abuser McGwire, this is borderline slander.

I guess nobody is safe in todays internet-savvy world, filled with attention seeking bloggers and desperate media - even a true model athelete like Sammy Sosa.

Oh, one more thing:

FUCK. YOU. SOSA.

You fucking dirty, cheating, lying, stupid sack of shit. I've hated you since the White Sox cleveland steamed your contract onto the Cubs. I hated you even more when you started magically crushing thousands of home runs to go along with your billions of strikeouts. I hated you most of all when you got caught with a corked bat WHILE TAKING STEROIDS and had the AUDACITY to pretend like you weren't cheating. "Oh, so sorry, I don't speak english so well, suddenly can't understand you."

I despise Sammy Sosa, always have, always will. When he goes to jail for lying in federal court, I hope he gets to bunk with Helen the circus giant.

All Life Validated

Forsooth, I shall needeth an interpreter!

Oh man. I cannot even begin to tell you how long I have waited for this. That smug grin. The asshole attitude. The way that his "baseball been berry berry good to me" bullshit was lapped up like putrid milk.

WELL HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, ASSHOLE? TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTE!

Boom! Busted for steroids. Finally! It's like that scene in The Shawshank Redemption where the guy emerges from the sewer and tears his shirt off in that downpour. I don't know why it took this long (is there some federal rule about having to wait six years before skewering a public figure?), but I am RELISHING IT.

We knew it to be true, all of us. Our daily "research" (porn, wipe the browser cookies before the wife gets home, porn after she goes to bed) started every day with the keywords "sosa, steroids, about fucking time." We did the best investigative research available. No stone was left unturned. How did he keep slipping through the cracks? The obvious musculature, the corked bat incident, and yet he was still given a free pass.

And now, my friends, we are victorious. Let it be known that Frank Thomas is, was, and will forever be the best (and only CLEAN) hitter of the 1990s.

Fuckers.

At least the Hawks have the right idea

Might need a new banner after this season

With the Blackhawks going nose-to-the-grindstone and pulling out a big win, it makes me wonder what the hell the baseball teams are doing right now. The Hawks don't have the injury problems the other teams do (although after seeing Kane and Toews get splattered about 20 times in the 3rd period of Saturday night's game, I'm surprised they don't), but it's not about the roster - it's about heart.

"Falco, this team needs heart...and I need the number of that chick from the bar. You know who I'm talking about."

Instead of putting up a fight, both the Sox and the Cubs have been laying down in the mud to die for the past couple of days. Sure, there were some wins that came out of it, but realistically, both teams should be lucky with the wins they have.

Cubs:
I don't even know where to start here. Trading DeRosa to free up the contract for Bradley could still pay off, but right now the Cubs are starting a paper-thin infield of Aaron Miles, Theriot, and Fontenot. If any one of those three guys gets hurt or need a night off, there's going to be all sorts of problems (Freel isn't even healthy yet, and the next in line is Bobby "How Did I Get Here" Scales).

Next, there's the interesting case of the rotation. First of all, everyone and their mother should have known that Ryan Dempster was due for a harsh dose of reality - he's got the potential to be good, but he never should have been as good as he was. It was like Jon Garland in the first few months of the '05 season - just completely out of character. Likewise, Lilly and Harden have been streaky (and I still fully expect Harden to take a trip to the DL soon - have I mentioned that you never EVER trade with Oakland?). Zambrano is also out for trying to be a hitter when he should have been a pitcher. And the bullpen? Please. Marmol and Gregg are the most "consistent" out of the 'pen with only two heart attacks per 5 IP. Oh, and for those of you keeping score at home, Michael Wuertz has a 1.62 ERA with 14 K in 16 IP with OAKLAND. Yikes.

Sox:
It's so depressing I can hardly stand it. Not only was Brian Anderson sidelined after a hot start, but with Wise also nursing injuries, Brent Lillibridge is seeing daily action (Ozzie refuses to put Ramirez in CF...why?). Lillibridge is the equivalent of a fantastic dump - you don't mind looking at it for a little bit to marvel your handiwork, but then you realize the fumes have killed your cat and you flush it away. You don't sit there and let the shit permeate your home - which is exactly what Lillibridge is doing.

Next, you've got the problem of the "free swingers." Alexei has a swing as long as Luol's Dong, and it's making him completely useless. Josh Fields is also showing less patience than the beginning of the season, and don't even get me started on Lillibridge again. All in all, it makes for some serious rally-killing, as the only guys who DO get on base are too slow to take more than one bag at a time. I still think we should trade as many vets as possible at the deadline to take a legit shot at being a 2010 or 2011 contender.

Finally, the pitching staff is JUST Buerhle and Danks. Floyd has been as erratic as I feared he would be, showing that a curveball just isn't enough to get it done. Likewise, Colon has just run out of gas (pun intended) in most of his starts, providing 5-6 solid innings of work but not much more. Contreras is just godawful, and is likely done barring a remastery of his forkball. And instead of calling up Poreda or giving proper rest to Clayton Richard (who has been groomed as a starter since...forever), Guillen is looking at Broadway or Carrasco to pick up the slack. Welcome to the 5th starter black hole once again.

The Rest:
The Bears are rumored to be interested in Amani Toomer - if you can't get Torry Holt, why not get the older and slower imitation? Maybe he'll bring in a veteran presence.

Jeremy Mayfield became the first NASCAR driver to fail a drug test. What the fuck do you need to take 'roids for in NASCAR!? Is the wheel that hard to turn? Did you need a few extra feet off of your victory backflip? Do you need to hold the car up during pit sessions? Jesus you're dumb.

Look how much faster I can go!

Strange Choices

Number of losing seasons since 1978

Earlier this week, the Cubs retired #31, as used by Greg Maddux and Fergie Jenkins. Both Maddux and Jenkins had stellar careers, and are both probably worthy of having their numbers retired...by someone. Now, what I don't understand is why they chose to retire these two over anyone else (aside from getting a cheap "2 for 1" deal on number retirement) - especially since it seems like they waited about 20 seconds after Maddux retired to get this set up.

First of all, let's get one thing straight - Maddux was an absolute monster. He pitched with his brain and let a 88 MPH fastball fool some of the best hitters in baseball. He certainly played for the Cubs enough (he was on the team 10 different times), but do you award a player for the amount of time he spent on a team, or where he achieved his accolades?

If you're going by where Maddux did his work, the answer is obviously Atlanta. Maddux pitched a great year for the Cubs in '92 (and won a Cy Young), but the reality is that Maddux absolutely wrecked the competition for the next 10 years as a member of the Atlanta Braves (including a batshit insane stint in '94 and '95). If anyone should be retiring Maddux, it's Atlanta - don't retire the number of a guy who did his best work for the opposing team. If you're going with that logic, why not retire Bruce Sutter's number or Rick Sutcliffe's (both of which were great acquisitions, but not really "Cubs" players for their careers)? What about Andre Dawson?

As for Fergie, he was a monstrous workhorse. In both cases he certainly spent a lot of time with the Cubs and had his best years as a Cub...but is it enough? Fergie spent 8 years with the club, amassing a Cy Young and some impressive stats on an otherwise futile Cubs team. Still, I can think of a few more deserving candidates that "Bleed Cubbie Blue."

Mark Grace: 12 years with the club providing consistent hitting, defense, and mad skills. Grace had a career average over .300 with the Cubs, and in an era of ridiculous homerun hitters and juicers (especially when one is on your team), hit no more than 16 in any year on the way to becoming one of the most prodigious hitters in Cubs history. Oh, and other than that little tail-end trip to Arizona for three short seasons, Grace spent almost his entire career with the Cubs. That's gotta be worth something, right? Oh, and did I mention he was absolutely sick in the playoffs?

Sammy Sosa: Sosa will be remembered for a lot of things - the fact that he couldn't find Right Field unless the patch of dead grass was there to direct him, the face that he "accidentally" used a corked bat in a game, and the fact that he needed an interpreter for...one day. Point being, Sosa also happened to be the face of the Cubs for 12 years where he hit a then-unheard of number of homeruns, followed by that bullshit kissing and tapping the chest business. Yes, he's a dick, yes he likely used roids, but if you're going to award a player for time spent with the team and a prodigious career while on it, he's your guy.

Got a better suggestion than these two? Hit up the comments.

Busting Out All Over

HOCHULI SMASH!!!

OK, so maybe it wasn't the best day for Ed Hochuli, but this is ridiculous. For those of you that are unaware, Hochuli made a poor choice that allowed Jay Cutler (who had only moments ago fumbled away the football) a second chance to win the game after calling his fumble an incomplete pass.

We get it, he fucked up. Still, why am I seeing national news coverage of Hochuli being "graded down," or pointing out that he hasn't worked a Broncos game in 7 years because he was unfair to them in 2001, and now he's overcompensating? The guy made an initial bad call by whistling the play dead (not a great view, and it was a pretty unlikely fumble scenario), and then the rules of the NFL prevented him from overturning it. He called it a fumble himself! It's not like he refused to see the play in review - there was just nothing he could do after initially whistling it dead. The call stands, the Broncos get the ball, and have to go back and earn that winning TD (they do - and go for 2!)

More importantly, why is Hochuli getting coverage at all? Off the top of my head, I can think of one ref more deserving of death threats and media exposure:

Phil Luckett

Now HERE'S a guy with a track record! While Hochuli is well known for being Brett Favre's personal statician and bodyguard, Luckett has been in all sorts of trouble:

- 1998 Seahawks bs Jets. Vinny Testaverde pulls a QB sneak on 4th down, and Head Linesman Earnie Frantz ruled that Testaverde scored (even though the ball did not cross the plane). As a result, Luckett receieved bad press for over a week about how he blew the game. It's his fault and he doesn't even make the call!

- 1999 Thanksgiving game between Steelers and Lions. With the game headed into OT, Luckett preps the coin toss. Jerome Bettis calls "Tails." Luckett thinks he says "Heads," and awards the ball to the Lions - who promptly drive downfield and score. Oops.

- 2000 "Music City Miracle" between Bills and Titans. Titans throw a lateral pass that appears to go forwards in a crazy play that results in a game-winning touchdown for the Titans. The Bills believe the pass was a forward pass, nullifying the play (and giving them the win). Luckett steps in to review...and rules it was perfectly parallel, and therefore a legal pass. Bills fans everywhere watch Marshawn Lynch play college ball for the next 5 months.

And these are just the first things that come to mind for Luckett - frankly, I'm too lazy to do any real research here. Besides, we all know that according to Hawk Harrelson, whoever is the ump when they walk a batter is responsible for "the worst umpiring call ever."

Got a better candidate for worst ref? Post below.

Cubs win! Cubs win!

Looks like the Cubs have the most steroid-abusing team in all of major league baseball!! Hooray!!

Farnsworth, Prior, Wood, Garciaparra, Neifi Perez and of course, the most famous Cub of the last decade, Slammin Sammy Sosa.

Goddammit you boys ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Note: No prominiant Sox on the list. Cameron’s been gone for years and Everett doesn’t count because he doesn’t believe in dinosaurs (so I don’t believe that he exists)

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The complete alleged list:

Dante Bichette, Albert Belle, Paul Byrd, Wil Cordero, Ken Caminiti, Mike Cameron, Ramon Castro, Jose and Ozzie Canseco, Roger Clemens, Paxton Crawford, Wilson Delgado, Lenny Dykstra, Johnny Damon, Carl Everett, Kyle Farnsoworth, Ryan Franklin, Troy Glaus, Rich Garces, Jason Grimsley, Troy Glaus, Juan Gonzalez, Eric Gagne, Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Giambi, Jeremy Giambi Jose Guillen, Jay Gibbons, Juan Gonzalez, Clay Hensley, Jerry Hairston, Felix Heredia, Jr., Darren Holmes, Wally Joyner, Darryl Kile, Matt Lawton, Raul Mondesi, Mark McGwire, Guillermo Mota, Robert Machado, Damian Moss, Abraham Nunez, Trot Nixon, Jose Offerman, Andy Pettitte, Mark Prior, Neifi Perez, Rafael Palmiero, Albert Pujols, Brian Roberts, Juan Rincon, John Rocker, Pudge Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Scott Schoenweiis, David Segui, Alex Sanchez, Gary Sheffield, Miguel Tejada, Julian Tavarez,Fernando Tatis, Maurice Vaughn, IJason Varitek, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams and Kerry Wood Brady Anderson, Manny Alexander, Rick Ankiel, Jeff Bagwell, Barry Bonds, Aaron Boone, Rafaeil Bettancourt, Bret Boone, Milton Bradley