Wednesday, June 17, 2009

All Life Validated

Forsooth, I shall needeth an interpreter!

Oh man. I cannot even begin to tell you how long I have waited for this. That smug grin. The asshole attitude. The way that his "baseball been berry berry good to me" bullshit was lapped up like putrid milk.


Boom! Busted for steroids. Finally! It's like that scene in The Shawshank Redemption where the guy emerges from the sewer and tears his shirt off in that downpour. I don't know why it took this long (is there some federal rule about having to wait six years before skewering a public figure?), but I am RELISHING IT.

We knew it to be true, all of us. Our daily "research" (porn, wipe the browser cookies before the wife gets home, porn after she goes to bed) started every day with the keywords "sosa, steroids, about fucking time." We did the best investigative research available. No stone was left unturned. How did he keep slipping through the cracks? The obvious musculature, the corked bat incident, and yet he was still given a free pass.

And now, my friends, we are victorious. Let it be known that Frank Thomas is, was, and will forever be the best (and only CLEAN) hitter of the 1990s.



stalkingerinandrews said...

Let it be known that Frank Thomas is, was, and will forever be the best (and only CLEAN) hitter of the 1990s.

You mean after Griffey, of course.

Gepetto said...

I'll come right out and say it - I don't think Griffey was clean. I think he may have tried something his first year with the Reds that led to a lot of those injuries. Seeing as Griff was all-around great and never really got BULK, I don't often express this opinion.

Fisting Andrew Golota said...

Frank Thomas is my real father.

stalkingerinandrews said...

If Griffey didn't use until he went to the Reds, doesn't that still make him the best clean hitter of the 90's? Since he didn't go to Cincy until 2000. I have a hard time believing he ever did use, since he won 4 home run titles and an MVP when he was (supposedly) clean.

Gepetto said...

I still think Thomas was better even if Griffey was clean. Griffey was a better whole package, but Thomas absolutely pounded the ball and played smart.

I think the numbers on hitting (solely) favor Thomas, but I haven't had a chance to look. Let's save this for another article, shall we?