Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Gourmet Dong: Maxwell St. Polish & Gyros

Welcome once again to my big greasy Gourmet Dong. We are on a mission to find the best Polish sausage/Italian beef/ bacon cheeseburgers in Chicago, cardiologists be damned. The story behind this week's review begins with me sitting at a shitty laundromat in Rogers Park, washing every god damn thing I own because we had bedbugs in the apartment. As I sat there watching my blankets and pillowcases spin around, and realizing that I just spent $35 in quarters, I shook my fist at the sky and said "God, why have you forsaken me?"  And the big guy answered, "My son...today you will eat a Polish sausage. And then write about it for the Dong."  

At that precise moment, through the rain and my own tears, I looked out the window and saw it: the modestly-named Maxwell Street Polish & Gyros.  The promised land?  Not so fast...

Food: 7. This may not come as a surprise, but I ordered a Polish. It was very good, if not exactly unique. I'm pretty sure that all these Polish/gyro places in Chicago get all their food from some common source, because a lot of their shit tastes exactly the same. The french fries were good too -- some soft, some crunchy, all salty -- but again, I couldn't shake that feeling that I've eaten this stuff before.  "Generic" might be the word I'm looking for

Ambience: 4. This place has a giant, loud-ass TV that is probably showing some network crap at all times. There's about 4 different people working here who all look like that young boy with the firecrackers in Boogie Nights. This is also that restaruant where some really fat trashy woman in a fancy coat walks in, talking all loud, and everyone who works there seems to know her because she eats there every day. I'm not sure if this counts as "ambience" but it definitely made me want to get the fuck out of there.  Also, I'm subtracting points for calling the place "Maxwell Street" when it's nowhere near Maxwell Street.  Maxwell style? Sure. But call it Maxwell street, and I might go back in time and beat the shit out of your parents.  

Service: 6. The whole "ordering" thing isn't very well organized here.  You kind of just order your food from the first guy who looks up at you, and then eventually someone cooks whatever you ordered, brings it to you, and takes your money. This all considered, I did get what I ordered in a reasonable amount of time, and they didn't fuck it up.  

Prices: 7. Just like the food was acceptably pedestrian, the prices were also about average. I think a Polish with fries was about 4 bucks. Nothing to write home about here. 

Total: 6. There is no god.

And remember, kids: If any of you have eaten at any of the places we review, or have anything to add, don't hesitate to post a comment. Thanks for looking at my Dong.


Keggers said...

Best Gourmet Dong yet!

Love the link out to Operation Wolf... laughed out loud.

Fisting Andrew Golota said...

I tried to find a screenshot of the "I melted your quarters and made a bandage" thing, but to no avail.