Monday, December 31, 2007

My view from the Hole

(Is this Ron Turner's "oh my god I just shit my pants" look, or is it his"oh my god I just called a run up the middle on 3rd and 9" look?)

As this to season to forget finished yesterday I kept asking myself these questions. Why does Ron Turner suck so much, why for the love of god did he wait until the last game to "open up the playbook" and why oh why is Devin Hester not more involved in the offense?

In order to get the answers to my questions, I went back to the only source that gives me reliable information: the glory hole. Thats right folks, you want your questions answered properly, sometimes you got to "man the hole" (that's what people in the biz call it).

After several stints (much to my chagrin) the hole yielded nothing, there is no fucking method to his madness and absolutely no logical reason why Hester is not more involved. Ron Turner is a total dousbag and he's gotta go if we are going to compete next season.

We have to have a legitimate offense because our defense is no longer what is once was (especially if Lance Briggs leaves town). Now more than ever we need somebody who knows offense and can run a team WITH OUR PERSONNEL. We have weapons and if we just used utilized Hester, it would open up the field for other people to step up. I mean Jesus fucking Christ you dont have to be a rocket scientist, you just have to have played Madden a couple of times to know that you run Hester deep to draw the safety and have Olsen or Moose cut underneath.

Seriously. I'd rather have PS3 Madden call the plays from the booth rather than Turner with his stupid, shit eating, dumbfounded face.

Dare I say it but he might be worse than Jon Shoop...


You say Neckbeard isn't the answer? You're joking, right?

Keggers, you mentioned almost everything I like about Orton, but you forgot to mention a few key facts:

#1. Look at the way Orton plays the game: he scrambles under pressure to make the throw, and if there isn't a throw, he holds it until there is no chance of there being a play and then tosses it out of bounds. He can run, he can pass, and he can grow facial hair. He's a smart QB, and he plays like it.

#2. Look at how Orton used the offense yesterday -- EVERYONE got involved. I think if St. Clair had caught a pass, every single person to record a reception this season would have had one on Sunday. He spreads the offense like his monstrous bukkake, and works the field deep and shallow.

#3. Orton IS style. This guy parties like no other, looks like he's having fun on every down, and generally has a goofy-ass grin on his face. Do you know the other QB with a perpetual grin? Tony Romo. I expect Orton's numbers to eclipse Romo's next season based on that fact alone.

You were right about one thing, though:
Neckbeard isn't the future. He's eternal.

Orton plays drinking games with Hester over the Bears offensive playbook.
Get on the bandwagon.

The Bears are good?

Fucking Kyle Orton.

The Neckbeard lead us to victory yesterday, putting together back-to-back wins and throwing 2 excellent looking TD's to Bradley and Hester. He stayed in the pocket and only had one turnover (no injuries either). He also looks a million times better than he did last year, both football-wise and body-wise (he lost like 1 keg and 5 Heineken's). I'm also gay and into hairy alcoholic 3rd string QB's.

But still.

I REFUSE to get on the Kyle Orton bandwagon.

Yes, I am aware that his career record is 12-6. And yes, I know we've gone 2-1 since he took over the starting job.

Nevertheless, the neckbeard is not the answer. And worse, now we have a legitimate QB controversy.

How easily we forget... in 05 when Orton went 12-5, he also finished with the lowest quarterback rating in the NFL (59.7). In the last 3 games, we've been playing at near full strength and our defense has been getting progressively better. There may be some truth to the idea that Orton, as a safe and reliable option, reduces the turnover ratio and gives the defense some time to rest. Regardless, throwing an INT on 3rd down isn't that different that going 3 and out. There are too many variables to claim Orton as the reason for our 2-0 finish.

Honestly, I like that he's improved and working hard to secure his job but he's not a superbowl QB- and that's all we should be looking at right now. Go sign McNabb. Sign Grossman for another run (you remember him? The guy who led us to a 13-3 record and took us to the superbowl last year?).

If we go with Orton next season I will be his biggest fan and grow out my very own neckbeard, but I think it's the wrong move and puts us in a bad position going forward. It's so hard not to get on this guy's bandwagon too... he's ridiculous looking, does nothing but win, never complains and keeps his neckbeard for entertainment value. I love him but I just... can't.... do it.

“For we walk by faith, not by sight'."

Sunday, December 30, 2007

UFC 79

Hilsboro, IL native Matt Hughes got his ass whooped last night by the fruitcake Georges "Rush" St. Pierre in UFC 79 "Nemesis".
Hughes was 41-5 coming into the fight, arguably one of the best welterweight fighters of all time having beaten legends like Joe Riggs, Frank Trigg and Royce Gracie. This is the 3rd fight between Hughes and St. Pierre, Hughes having submtted St. Pierre back in 2004 and St. Pierre knocking out Hughes last year at UFC 65.

The fight was somewhat of a dissappointment, as St. Pierre basically beat the crap out of Hughes from the outset, throwing lots of combinations and dominating the floor game the entire time. Hughes came out lefty trying to mix things up but ended up looking totally out of his league. This was billed as a top card, but it wasn't a very good fight and Hughes looks like he's nearing retirement.

Gotta give it to St. Pierre, he might be a fruity canadian but he fights like a motherfucker. He's now 15-2 (lost to Hughes and Matt Serra) and one of the best young fighters in the UFC.
Hughes has now lost 2 of his last 3 fights (both to St. Pierre) and you gotta wonder what's next for the old man (36). He's always been one of my favorite fighters, being from the neighborhood and all and I would hate to see him go out like this. Always humble, here's Hughes after the fight:

"I came in 120 percent. I really trained hard for this fight. Georges is a better fighter, there's nothing else I can say besides that."

In other news, if you want to watch a great MMA feature on ESPN, check this out:

You can also check youtube for "Kimbo Slice" and thank me later.

Welcome to the "Who Gives a Shit Bowl"

"This won't come back to haunt us...look, I even wrote it on my calendar!"

The Bears play the Saints today in what is probably the most telling example of how far a team can fall off the road to glory. The great matchup of last year in the NFC Championship game is now a meaningless game with two teams that have no playoff hopes.

The TPC brought up the idea of the Bears tanking this game for a better draft pick -- I say we win this game for a better draft pick.

As evidenced by our good friend Ryan Leaf (see: above), the early picks in an NFL draft are hardly sure things. You're still drafting based on potential, not on actuality. Look at the 2005 draft -- any legit player from the 05 draft would certainly have emerged by now. The top 10 picks? Only one pro bowler. You've got players like Pacman, Benson, Cadillac, and Alex Smith (the #1) who have all been incredible busts. The only really good player in the group is Braylon Edwards, and I'll count Ronnie Brown because he finally had a great start to a season.

Now look at the next ten picks: four pro-bowlers (DeMarcus Ware, Shawne Merriman, Jamaal Brown, and Logan Mankins) and some serious talent in Roddy White, Jason Campbell (with kneecaps), and Heath Miller. The Bears could have conceivably had Frank Gore (round 3) or Marion Barber (round 4) instead of Benson, in addition to a great first round pick.

So instead of telling your Bears to tank, tell them to dominate. Wreck the Saints, end the season with a bang to keep you pumped in the offseason, and take the lower draft pick to glory.

Friday, December 28, 2007

I Highly Doubt That

According to today's Rick Morrisey column in the Chicago Tribune, changing the name of Wrigley Field should affect nothing, and the name of the field is just a name.

"When the Cubs began allowing Fox to scroll its ads on the bricks behind home plate at Wrigley a few years back, I wasn't outraged. And in February, when the Cubs sold the green doors amid the ivy on the outfield walls to Under Armour, I wasn't fazed. And apparently I wasn't alone. If you were waiting for Jesus to drive out the moneychangers at Wrigley, it didn't happen. There are things to put a foot down over. This isn't one of them."


So we could sell out the name of the stadium to pretty much whoever we wanted, and as long as I can still piss in the same trough as Ty Cobb, everything will be OK?

Name me one fan in their right mind who would be OK with this:

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Coming Up Roses

"I did not inhale."

Holy crap! A scandal!

(Checks Google for "Briggs" and "Soto")


Well, there's apparently some scandal going on involving the Illinois-USC Rose Bowl tickets. Long story short, there's only 3,000 seats offered, and they sold out within an hour. If you're at all interested in going to this game, it could cost you up to $800 to get a ticket. Crazy.

We know tickets are expensive, and we know scalpers all assholes ever since Brad spent a week sucking "sea people" out of a hose to get Hannah Montana tickets. So what's the scandal?

University of Illinois President Joseph White (above) sold more than 450 tickets at face value, and he's not saying where they went. From the Sun Times:

"U. of I.'s response to the newspaper's Freedom of Information Act request listed only university and public officials who bought seats from the president's office. More than 400 other names were blacked out."

So to sum it up, the prez has about 450 friends, connections, or bribe-related comrades that he's getting tickets for. That would be like a Best Buy manager selling a ginormous TV for $300 because he's a friend. Bullshit. Well, I'm used to getting screwed over, I guess...

"The Sun-Times is appealing the university's decision and also is taking its case to Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan's office."

Oh snap!

This Year is Going to be Painful

"Hold me."

I can't actually say that I'm excited to see the White Sox compete with a straight face. I tried practicing it in the mirror this morning, pronouncing each syllable with specific intent, and I still couldn't get the words out of my mouth. Our team has more holes than Jesus, and we don't seem to be making any moves to get better in the short term OR the long term.

First of all, we don't have a premier outfield. Actually, we don't really have an outfield at all. We have Jermaine Dye, the geriatric wonder, who can probably hit .290 with 30 HR and provide some offensive pop -- but it's all downhill from there. As it stands, we're starting either Jerry Owens or Anderson (the correct choice) in CF, and then either Owens or Quentin in LF. Keep in mind, we took great pains to get rid of the consistently hurt speedster in LF to bring in TWO consistently hurt speedsters! Owens has had enough injuries to the point where he and Rex Grossman could basically be hospital roommates. Just the same, Quentin is coming off of surgery on his throwing arm, and is still probably a year away from the majors anyways.

Our bullpen is still the same amazing group of failures, plus Scott Linebrink, who is coming off of an amazing collapse in the NL Central. If you can't get it done in the NL's crapper, what makes you think the AL's toughest division will be any easier? We get to watch MacDougal (throw a strike you pussy!), Logan (I can only pitch 1/3 an inning!), Wasserman (I was the only good pitcher in the 2nd half!), Massett (why am I doing long relief when I should be starting), Dewon Day (the worst pitcher in White Sox history -- yes, worse than Tood Ritchie), and of course:

Bobby Jenks.

Even after the pain of our pitching and outfield, we still have an infield with two logjams (SS and 3B, respectively), and two aging sluggers in Thome and Konerko.

Now, does this mean I'm not going to watch? No! I'm going to cheer my ass off, because it's the Chicago way. There isn't a snowballs chance in my asshole that the Sox will win the division or wildcard this year, but at least we have some young players to watch (Quentin, Ramirez, Richar, Fields, Owens, Sweeney, Anderson) that might actually pan out in the future.

But until then, I'm REALLY not looking forward to the looming break between football and baseball. It gives me too much time to think about the regular season.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Prior to Padres

From ESPN: Prior receives a one-year major league deal with a $1 million base salary. The contract, which doesn't include an option, contains incentive clauses that could take the total value of the deal to over $3 million.

Prior, 27, last pitched in the big leagues in 2006, and had shoulder surgery in April of 2007.

The second overall pick in the 2001 draft, Prior went 18-6 for the Cubs in 2003 before experiencing a series of physical problems. He was born in San Diego and lives in San Diego County, and the Padres' hope is that he is able to join a rotation that already includes
Jake Peavy, Chris Young, Greg Maddux and Randy Wolf.

Well, shit. We all know how this story ends. Prior joins the rotation, the Padres win the World Series boasting the best pitching staff ever, Cubs fans taking more zoloft.

I suggest that all cubs fans completely ignore any Prior news, don't watch Padres games and stay away from the inevitable SI article or ESPN feature.

I will be sure to post every single one. Something about salt and open wounds... or kicking a baby while it's down, taking it's candy and shaming it twice.

Start Doing Something Stupid, Already!

I don't know how much longer I can take this!

What happened to our reputation for producing news-worthy stories of criminal and moronic intent on a regular basis? There hasn't been ONE Chicago sports athlete of ANY KIND involved in a murder, shooting, or off-the-field (police related) incident since Lance Briggs crashed his "Stolen" Lamborghini on the expressway. I refuse to believe that our Chicago-based beasts have become tamed and law-abiding.

Where are our reliable stories? Why isn't Dennis Rodman punching some random reporter in the balls for me? Why did Tank have to get traded? What endangered bird is Jae Kuk Ryu targeting next? How come the White Sox signed Will Cordero the one year that he WASN'T beating his wife?

We need to establish a new group of morons to keep things up while Briggs and Uribe take a break from crime.

I nominate:

Ben Wallace -- This guy is a giant and always looks exhausted before the game even begins. He's got a gigantic contract, so he's got the money to spend at night. If it gets his ass run out of town, all the better.

Lance Briggs -- Yeah, I know I said new, but he's already established, and he has the entire offseason to get back into criminal form. He's already got the Lamborghini thing going for him, but to reach the big time, he's going to have to be involved with somebody's death. Get on that.

Bobby Jenks -- I can see it now: "Fast food worker crushed to death -- was asked for entire stock of hamburgers, and when he failed to produce them, a larger patron apparently landed on him with enough force to shoot his internal organs out of his nose. Film at 11."

Geovany Soto -- This guy looks like he's been involved in the mafia forever, and seeing as the Cubs have nothing else they can throw in at catcher for a while, he should be safe to do pretty much whatever he wants. I trust this guy as much as I trust Kenny Williams' offseason "plan."

Bears in 08

News from Rotowire: Roscoe Parrish (PR/WR) just signed a contract extension with the Bills. $1.1 million signing bonus, bonuses of $3.25 million in 2008, $1.5 million in '09, a $1 million base salary in 2009, and base salaries of $1.25 million in 2010 and 2011, plus $500,000 roster bonuses each year.

This means Hester is going to want (and deserve) some serious cash this offseason or he'll probably hold out, since he's still got 2 years on his rookie contract, only making ~500K/season.

In addition, our unrestricted FA list looks like this:

Rex Grossman
Bryan Johnson
Bernard Berrian
Rashied Davis
John Gilmore
Ruben Brown
Brendon Ayanbadejo
Darrell McClover
Charles Tillman
Brandon McGowan

Seems like '08 is going to be tricky from the outset.

I assume we will resign Tillman, Ayanbadejo and McGowan. I don't really care about Berrian or Davis and Ruben Brown is getting pretty old. I think we are probably going to lose Briggs, unless we pay him too...

On the bright side, we've got substantial talent coming off the IR list, including top draft picks from the last two years:

Mike Okwo (LB)
Dan Bazuin (DE)
Dusty Dvoracek (NT)

(And vets Mike Brown and Ruben Brown who we missed most of the season).

It's too early to look into other FA's around the league but I'm sure we can find an affordable WR. We will have massive talent coming into the defense with the young guys who missed a lot of the 06 or 07 season PLUS our 08 draft picks. There are some great offensive lineman who we could sign, including Alan Faneca and Kyle Turley. The issue is a QB... there are no good FA's (except Romo, who will be a brokeback Cowboy) and the draft is weak after Brohm.

Are we going to roll the dice on a QB or should we draft more D? I always say the draft is for defense and free agency is for skill players but with most of the league starting shitty QB's (check Bill Simmons article from ESPN) we might have to pull another McNown/Grossman and hope for the best with Brohm or Colt.

Personally, I say stick with Grossman.

In fact, I challenge anyone to argue with the following reasoning: There is nobody better, with more upside at a cheaper cost.

If our defense is going to get better and our offense will (at best) stay the same, why roll the dice on a 3-5 year commitment that might (will definitely) suck ass during the last hurrah for Urlacher, Brown etc? Save our money, pay Hester, Briggs and Tillman, integrate the huge influx of young talent on the defense and sign a fast cheap WR to go along with Olsen and Moose.

Vote for Rex in 08.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

What The Hell Happened To: Cade McNown

And this is the most exciting shot of Cade on the web, too

What is it with Bears QBs, the number 8, and the ability to completely dismantle an offense at will?

"Hollywood" Cade McNown graced our fair town in 1999 -- we used the 12th pick of the draft to acquire this cocksucker, passing up on future Pro Bowlers Damien Woody and Jevon Kearse. Cade seemed like a good fit for the organization -- he had a history of being a selfish douchebag, and had no accuracy whatsoever. If there was a QB to lead us into the dark ages after Erik Kramer, McNown was our man. Not only that, but he and current Bears hero Brendon Ayanbadejo actually got busted for having an illegal handicapped parking pass at UCLA, along with allegations of point shaving. Nice.

Well, we all know what happened with McNown -- he took over after Shane Matthews and Jim Miller managed to cripple themselves, and proudly drove our team into the ground with a 1-6 start. He finished that season 1-7 and managed to get benched for his last start. McNown got traded to the Dolphins in '01, and we gladly moved into the Jim Miller era.

What the hell happened to "Hollywood" Cade McNown?

Cade's actually got some interesting dirt. Apparently, he and Tim Couch got into a "who can be a bigger waste of sperm" match over 1999 playmate of the year Heather Kozar. Kozar was dating Couch, but McNown was not about to be outdone -- he bought her a Porsche so that she would sleep with him. Needless to say, Kozar and McNown dated for a while, but McNown was no 1st overall pick -- she went back to Couch not much later.

Dejected, and still willing to wreak havoc on the NFL world, McNown's productivity as Miami's 3rd string QB suffered (how can you fuck up being the 3rd string QB!?), and he was traded to the 49ers for a 7th round pick in '02. He had a good shot at being Tim Rattay's personal footrest, but he managed to get placed on the IR in the preseason with a season-ending injury.

Using his newfound free time, Cade moved on to acting. He appeared in the 2002's "Outta Time," a movie so low-budget that its biggest name actor was George Lopez -- before he got his own TV show. McNown played the role of "Policeman," and if he fired a gun in the movie, I'm sure he managed to miss whatever he was aiming at.

Cade took one last shot at a sports career in 2003, after he was released by the 49ers. The CFL's Calgary Stampeders acquired his rights, but never completed a contract. Cade has since taken his injury-prone body, had some plastic surgery, acquired his old number, and rejoined the Bears under the alias of Rex Grossman -- a clever anagram that decodes to describe his career ("Mom's Sex Rag").

Monday, December 24, 2007

A neckbeard says a thousand words

Take a look at this posting from


Skiles thoughts

Let's sum up Scott Skiles career as head coach of the Bulls:

He was a huge asshole, no doubt. Apparently, none of the players seem to have gotten along with him and he was way too tough on the young guys. He couldn't get past the second round of the playoffs and we suck so far this year... etc.

Now, I think sometimes fans/coaches/GM's get ahead of themselves a little bit and can be a little too hasty. Take a closer look at Skiles record:

2003-04 (half season)
8th in Central
Missed Playoffs
2nd in Central
Lost in First Round
4th in Central
Lost in First Round
3rd in Central
Lost in Second Round

Wait a second... that's not so bad. On top of that, we've made the playoffs 3 years in a row and went to the second round last year. That's more than can be said for 90% of the league. In addition, I bet that his hardcore ball-busting probably had a maturing effect on the guys that developed with him (Hinrich, Deng, Noch, Gordon, Duhon, etc- who are all team leaders now ).

Is it possible that Skiles made our team play much better than they actually are? If we give him the benefit of the doubt, it's easy to see Skiles as not only mistakenly fired but actually a great coach. He's having a rough time integrating Wallace (who is a veteran with a big paycheck and bigger attitude) and it's going to take the new guys a few seasons to mature... I think we were way too hasty to fire Skiles.

I'm sure nobody likes playing for him but I think the Bulls need a tough figure like that to keep them in check. I mean, let's be honest, Hinrich could be a bench player on a lot of teams and same goes for Gordon (he was always a better 6th man than starter). Deng is the only legitimate star with more upside on our team and I think we're getting a lot of productivity out of him. And, more importantly, who are we going to turn to now?

Great. And his moustash is in the wrong place.

To quote the late Skiles: 'Basketball is like religion. Many attend, few understand."

Skiles fired; in other news, Bulls still suck

Merry Christmas Scott Skiles, you've lost your job. What a great Christmas Eve for you. I mean really - have a great holiday.

What exactly does this accomplish? The Bulls start slow every year and turn it around. Either Pax had enough of the horrible starts or just thought Skile's tough approach was wearing thin on the players. My hypothesis is that Kobe didn't want to play for now the door's open for a trade.

In either case, PETE MYERS (?!?!) is the new Bulls interim coach? This is horrible news. The only notable coaching vacancies are Larry Brown, and I'm not sure his 70 year old ass can turn things around here.

Baseball, anyone?

Cuba Gooding

Alexei Ramirez looks good in that video -- he hits the clutch home run, and he runs 10x faster than Konerko just trotting around the bases.

Also, tearing at his shirt and then having another man slap his ass gets him extra points with Keggers.

You've got to wonder how they can do the whole "line of high-fives" before the game is even over. Maybe they were going to kill the loser with a lawnmower. Yeah, that sounds intolerant enough.

My gut instinct tells me to like Ramirez. Technically youthful, plays 2B, CF and SS, and is essentially a whole season's worth of Pablo Ozuna.

Then again, this is Cuba we're talking about. Converting from Cuban years is kind of like converting to dog years. Ramirez is listed as 26 in Cuba, which means that he's probably 38 in American years. He's going to be playing under his career numbers, you say? Um, he hit .332 with 87 home runs and 391 RBIs over the past seven seasons. Cuba ball is equivalent to AA ball, but shit -- he could play to 2/3 of those numbers and still be better than anything we've had at 2B or CF in a while.

I'm not going to make any crazy conclusion that the Sox are going to beat Detroit and Cleveland for the division, but hey, at least we're one step further from starting Richar, Anderson and Owens at the same time.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Season Starts in Week 16

"It only took three games, but I just matched Benson's 2007 numbers."

I never thought I would be so angry after a Bears victory.

Not only did the Bears clamp down on the Packers offense (especially Favre, who managed just 6 yards in the first half), but the Bears showed life in every category that cost them the season. Orton had a solid game with 100+ for a TD and no picks, Adrian Peterson passed 100 yards with a touchdown, and everyone got involved in the passing game (for one catch each, but that's not the point).

Here's my problem:

Everyone that played in today's game has been playing for the majority of the season. We all understand the power of the Neckbeard, but there's no excuse for just "trying" towards the end of the season. Had the Bears been playing like this ALL season, we would be in the playoffs instead of the sad excuse for a team that is the New York Giants.

Had the Bears weakly limped onto the field and given it our usual 2007 effort, I would have expected to see this:

Yeah, not my favorite sight, but at least it resonates with our season and shows consistency.

Instead, we get Urlacher returning his first career TD, two blocked punts, and a formidable (if not effective) offensive attack.

Is it just me, or do have the Bears been laying down instead of bearing down?

Well, at least we still have one guy who is giving it 110% every day:

Friday, December 21, 2007

Happy Holidays, Gentiles!

The Bloomerang is off to sunny California to enjoy golf (with back pain), and overeating Chinese food and a movie on Christmas.

If you can, enjoy the final two Bears games of 07, and I'll catch you all in the 2008.

It's Friday- hit the links!

Michael Jordan's divorce + The Onion = awesome. ( )

Lance Briggs refuses to live in Urlacher's shadow, demands his own illegitmate child and lawsuit: ( )

For the gamblers: (

For the other types of gamblers: (

The Fridge gets his grill fixed: ( Too bad... he used to be able to fellate the TPC with his mouth closed.

Get excited about the Bears game this week: (

Interesting discussion about how deep Ron Turner's beef is in the Bears ass: (

I'll save you the link (thanks AngryT) but wanted to depress everyone a little bit on erev Christmas. Here is a list of the Bears starting QB's over the last decade:

1990: Jim Harbaugh, Mike Tomczak
1991: Harbaugh
1992: Harbaugh, Peter Tom Willis, Will Furrer
1993: Harbaugh, Willis
1994: Erik Kramer, Steve Walsh
1995: Kramer
1996: Kramer, Dave Kreig
1997: Kramer, Rick Mirer
1998: Kramer, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno
1999: Shane Matthews, Cade McNown, Jim Miller
2000: McNown, Matthews, Miller
2001: Miller, Matthews
2002: Miller, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris
2003: Kordell Stewart, Chandler, Rex Grossman
2004: Grossman, Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzel, Chad Hutchinson
2005: Kyle Orton, Grossman
2006: Grossman
2007: Grossman, Brian Griese, Orton

I miss Jim Miller and his chisled, steroid abused body.

Holiday weekend treats!

Happy holidays!

The Vagina Monologues

"Does this shirt make me look fat?"

This offseason has really been a lot of work -- I have a tan to maintain, and I have to keep my fingers looking FAB-U-LOUS.

(flashes a smile to the mirror)

Teeth whitening, baby. God I look good.

You know you want me. As a matter of fact, 11 teams want me. I know your team needs me to bolster your simulated pitching staff. Did I mention that I led the league in simulated starts over the last few seasons? Kerry Wood and I practically carried our simulated team into the simulated playoffs -- I'm just that good.

Houston is offering me enough money to buy manicures for a year, but the humid weather makes my hair frizz up so that my curtains match the drapes! Where's the mystery? So passe.

The White Sox are interested, but I just don't know if I want to stick around Chicago with all my old boyfriends -- besides, the cold weather makes my nipples hurt! And Ozzie Guillen? That guy wouldn't know texturizing shears from pinking shears! Have you SEEN that facial hair? Gross!

(crosses legs, placing hands in lap)

You know what I REALLY want? I wish the Dodgers would make me an offer - they have such good salons over there. Do you know how hard it is to work the "I forgot to shave but it looks perfectly groomed" look? It's, like, soooooo hard!

(chips a nail)

Ohmygod! Come ON!

Well, so much for playing this season.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

All Our Cubs Are Belong To Us

Hello! Chicago America!

Hi, my name is Kosuke Fukudome! I am very happy to be able to sign my contract and play with this historic team. I look forward to playing in such a historic ballpark and playing in front of such ecstatic fans. I am thrilling to be playing in wonderful land of white snow and peoples! Throughout most years of all of my life I am wanting to hit HOME RUNS! in famous cities all over Americans!

Money is fun, baseballs is legendary and I am hoping to be make much monies and making many baseballs go away in Wrigley Field Town! Master Lou has been magestical, and I am looking ahead in time to many high fives with shortstop Riot Man and Spanish Horse Z-Man. Z-Man is scary Spanish bull and I am exciting for seeing him make millions of strikeouts in consecutive innings!

I shall be proficient at bringing multiple styles of batting, also the same for hurling balls from outfields, in order to banish men from their home. The waters of your great native lake shall tremble at the wonders of my many skills, and the buildings of history crumble in fear of my dragon-beast-like attitude.

Welcome me to your Chicago Land!

Cheer up!

Slow day here at the Dong...

Nothing to cheer you up like a little MJ highlight reel. Gotta give him credit, he managed to keep the 'stash looking cool for 20 years. Some people can't handle the power that comes with a true stash. I have a friend for example, let's call him Axel, who couldn't last 5 minutes with a powerful stash and had to shave it off in an airport bathroom.

I can only imagine the ridiculous number of chicks hanging on Jordan's beef now that he's a single man and goes out partying with Chuck Oakley and CB. Maybe that's why Barkley seems so tired every time he's on the air...

What The Hell Happened To: Jack Haley

"I'm doing something! I'm really doing something!"

Where would the championship bulls run of 1996 be without Jack Haley, AKA Rodman's babysitter? The guy was a CRITICAL player for the squad, as he played in exactly one game the entire season with the Bulls. Not only was it a regular season blowout game, but he scored exactly ONE point after MJ had already put up 50.

Quote Haley: ""One day I'll be able to tell my grandchildren that Michael Jordan and I scored 51 points together."

Classy. I like this guy.

After the 95-96 season, though, Haley's career took a wild spin. Rodman was trying to marry himself in Europe, meaning that Haley had no purpose on the team. He was subsequently released.

So what the hell happened to Jack Haley?

After the '96 season, he did what any person trained to be another face on the team would do - he became an extra in film. Haley had done a little acting in a little known 70's TV series called "Rolling Man," and used his serious street cred of playing "Clifford McAfee" to get his new career jumpstarted. His first big gig was appearing in Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator" music video as "uncredited shocked passerby #16." Haley became good friends with the band, and it is rumored that Haley and Tyler once snorted the deteriorating knee cartilage of Bill Cartwright.

Using his other unique talent -- watching black people perform -- Haley starred in such blockbusters as "Rebound" (the Martin Lawerence movie), "Eddie" (the Whoopi Goldberg basketball movie) and two separate Jordan biographies that all tested his acting chops with the demanding role of playing himself.

Finally, Haley joined the Fox network as a broadcasting assistant in 2000 and has been there ever since. He has been seen licking the testicles of the Jordan Statue outside the United Center at every home game, and muttering nonsensical phrases like "take me back, baby. I'm so sorry."

Always Bet on Black

Looking sexy in the black uni’s

Bulls beat half of the Wizards, 95-84.

Aaron Gray dropped 10/10/5 in under 30 minutes, looking sleek and smooth as he somehow managed to put the round orange thing in the basket between falling down and needing breathers.

It was obvious after the game…

Aaron Gray is the future of this franchise.

Obviously, it would be easy to say, “oh we should definitely deal Deng, Gordon, Hinrich and maybe Thomas for a solid guard that can feed Gray in the low post”. And it would allow us to trade Wallace, because we have a dominant center, and could get out of that stupid contract. This is such a great situation for us, knowing that we have the next great big center after Shaq and Duncan and someone who can rival Dwight Howard for the next decade. I’m not even sure who I’d rather have, tell you the truth. The only issue is Gray’s stamina (apparently, he needed oxygen after the first 13 minutes on the court) but I’m sure he can work on his conditioning.

"You get a little tired, but when the game's on the line like that, the last thing you want to do is let your teammates down," Gray said.

Did someone say team captain?

In response to a reporter’s question about whether he likes to pitch or receive, Gray answered: "I kind of just take what they give me," just as elusive off the court as on it. This might be our best draft in years!

Hey you guys!!!


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Pro Bowl

So, the Pro Bowl votes have been "counted" (does anyone believe this is legit?) and despite our shitty season, the Bears are sending 4 beasts, all on D and special teams.

Tommie Harris, Brendon Ayanbadejo, Lance Briggs and obviously Devon Hester.

A solid group and I definitely agree with Briggs over Urlacher (Briggs has been our best player this season). Ayanbadejo is awesome (not to be confused with his roiding younger brother Obefami who we cut last year) although I wish we could use him more in a normal defensive set instead of just on special teams.

I thought Gould and Kruetz had a chance but… not to be.

While perusing the internet, I found the most amazing thing ever. Apparently, the Ayanbadejo brothers have their own website with a weekly video updating the world on their off-field exploits. You’ve gotta see this to believe it: (

A few observations:

-They’re obviously both on the same batch of roids.
-I can’t stop laughing
-Make sure to check out the link to their myspace page too. It's very amusing.
-The chick in the video has a nice rack


The baby(sat) Bulls

Enough of this shit. It's been four years that this nucleus has been together.

They're not "young" anymore. They're not "inexperienced" anymore. They're also not "good" anymore, either.

At what point do you blow this thing up (AGAIN!?!)? Even if the Bulls somehow manage to turn things around and match their win total from last year, what type of winning team would that be? Every year they suck in the first half, and somehow flip the "on" switch in the second half. I think Skiles had his chance; there's only so much of a balding, whiny curmudgeon that a team can take. We have so much talent and they are consistently unmotivated....

But where to from here? Paxson clearly is thinking like the TPC in this scenario, where he thinks all of his players are better than all the other team's players and hence reluctant to make a move. Get over it, Pax - your malnourished, white toothed Sudanese refugee is NOT BETTER than Kobe Bryant. I am sick of rebuilding every four years. Where is our superstar? The spurs have had the same nucleus forever and just keep getting better, but they've had awesome big men. So here's our solution:

Who needs Ben Wallace when you have all 7 foot 1, 271 pounds of pure basketball bliss known as Aaron Gray?

Weekend at Berrian's

"Making catches look easy since 2004"

I like Bernard Berrian. He's fast, can make great plays, and ultimately provides a safety net for Grossman's deep balls (that came out wrong). In the Grossman offense, Berrian is a necessary component. Rex heaves the short balls to Clark, the short-middle to Moose, and everything else to Berrian.

Interestingly, Berrian is a FA at the end of this season. He's on pace for 80 catches and almost 1,100 yards -- big numbers for a Bears receiver, and certainly worthy of the big bucks. In a Grossman offense, he's worth every penny.

Let someone else pay for him.

Call me crazy, but I don't think that retaining Berrian is going to help improve this team -- especially with Grossman on the way out. Hester has shown that he's an explosive offensive force, and he's faster than Berrian. Let him run those streaks with Rasheid Davis. Incorporate Mushin Muhammad into the offense more -- you know, that guy we signed for a huge contract not too long ago? Let's get our money's worth.

As a matter of fact, that style of offense can work. Look at Berrian's numbers when Griese was at the helm -- average of 5 catches for 60 yards and one touchdown over four weeks. Very solid, but nothing absurd. Moose, on the other hand, averaged 3 catches for 35 yards and almost a touchdown a week -- his only three touchdowns of the season came in that four-week span.

Along with Muhammad, Greg Olsen has put up better numbers without Rex, too. In those four weeks, Olsen averaged 4 catches for 40 yards and a 50% chance of scoring a TD. Again, Olsen's only two touchdowns and best games of the season came during the Griese reign. Even Kyle Orton managed to use Hester more on Monday Night than Grossman did all year (Hester can actually run a route that doesn't involve him running in a straight line like he was shot out of a cannon).

I'm not saying that Berrian is bad. I remember watching when Marcus Robinson and Marty Booker left the team, and I missed them dearly. On the other hand, I really think the rest of the team can flourish with multiple receiving threats instead of one. Berrian's best numbers came with the Sex Cannon, and with Rex likely out of town (or at least riding pine), Berrian becomes expendable.

I'll miss you Bernard -- just don't make the mistake those other guys made and go to Miami -- if you need an idea of how their QB situation has looked, Cade McNown was once on that team too.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Going Long

Since it’s apparently never too early to start looking at the 08 draft, here are the top O-line prospects.

Jake Long OT Michigan
Jeff Otah OT Pittsburgh
Gosder Cherilus OT Boston College
Sam Baker OT USC

Long is going to be a top 5 pick (he’s been a stud at Michigan) and the others will probably be late 1st or early 2nd round picks. I figure if we keep losing, we might have a shot at that massive freak of nature and with Tait still able to walk, we might even be able to play him at RT instead (or move Tait to RT).

Take a look at this pancake loving, cow-tipping honkey:

The dude is massive. Rumor has it that his diet consists of whole eggs, pancakes, trees and small defensive lineman. The guy is just an absolute behemoth, Look at how he dwarfs the other dude in this photo:


I still say we need to take a hard look at Brohm if we have a chance at him but I think Long could be the real deal. I also promise to walk to Soldier Field and drop a steamy pile of corn-riddled shit on Jerry Angelo’s desk if we draft Darren McFadden. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I am a man of my word and have been known to store up a good deuce for 2+ weeks when the occasion warrants.

To Root or not to Root that is the question?

(Wiping the tears away)

Now that the Bears season is officially over, there remains one crucial decision for the dedicated fans: To root or not to root?

Fantanking (rooting for your team to lose) has been an issue for hardcore fans ever since the advent of the draft. What do you do when your team is mathematically out of contention? Many fans blatantly express their desire for their teams demise and feel extremely comfortable in doing so because they feel they are helping the franchise in the long run. Personally, I've never felt comfortable rooting against my beloved teams in order to obtain a better draft pick.

Lets go over the bears 1st round drafting history for the last 10 years:

1998- Curtis P. Enis (Bust)
1999- Cade Mcnown (Bust)
2000- Brian Urlacher (Awesome)
2001- David Terell (Bust)
2002- Marc Columbo (Bust)
2003- Michael Haynes (Bust)
2004- Tommie Harris (Awesome)
2005- Cedric Benson (TBD but big bust as of yet)
2006- Daniel Manning (Girls name and has played well)
2007- Greg Olsen (Going to be great)

Additionally many second round picks have panned out better, (Mark "Sack Meast" Anderson and Devin "I'd let him have sex with my bubbie" Hester).

As you can see our 1st round drafting history is not that impressive, and rooting for a bears loss is just too much for me. In my humble opinion, I want the bears to kick ass against the packers and win out the season.

P.S. Is it just me or does Tim Tebow look eerily like Rex Grosssman (Both Romosexuals)

Rextacy, meet Neckstacy

What the hell are they smoking at Purdue?

Let's face it: Kyle Orton with a helmet on is not nearly as entertaining as the Sex Cannon with a helmet on. First of all, you can't even see his neckbeard, and second, he can't throw it downfield like Rex can. Even still, Purdue saw something in Orton that prompted this drawing of a behemoth with a plasma grenade for a throwing hand.

That said, I've decided that Orton is more similar to Samson.

"I take Flintstones vitamins!"

Samson's power came from his hair, and without it, he was weak and powerless. Orton's power comes from his neckbeard being allowed to roam freely, and during the game, it was confined to a tiny little helmet, sapping his true strength.

Even weakened, Orton still had a respectable game. His TD pass was taken away from him (a solid throw at that), and he kept the Bears out of stupid mistakes for as long as he could. Short passes to take pressure off the run game would work if the Bears weren't facing the toughest run D in football. Orton was also the first QB to successfully work at making Hester a legitimate passing threat. Hester has his best game as a WR with 4 catches for 28 yards, and had a few close catches taken away from him (he got knocked out of bounds on a sideline grab).

Also noteable was the way that Orton utilized Peterson, who until then had simply been filling in for Benson. Unlike Cedric the Complainer, Peterson can catch the ball. Orton used him on the screen enough times for Peterson to rack up 8 catches for 51 yards -- probably the best receiving game for a Bears RB this season.

I'm not saying Orton is the answer -- I'm not even saying that Orton is a bonafide QB -- but I will say that he gives the offense a new look that at least forces us to use the short routes.

I wonder if McNabb is paying attention for when he has to do this next year.

I Think That Just About Does It

In perhaps the most disappointing fashion, the Bears 2007 run is over. Disappointing not just because of the loss, but because the defense held strong for nearly the entire game. This D played with more heart and energy than they had showed in any single game all season long. Urlacher looked like Urlacher, Briggs was the beast we know him to be, and we saw clearly why we missed Nathan Vasher so badly these last 10 weeks.

But alas, you cannot win football games on defense alone. Despite his pleas for playing time and to be given a second chance, Kyle Orton is terrible. To paraphrase a great man, 'He is who we thought he was'. The Bears are now left with a ton of work to do this off season. We need a quarterback, and we are going to need to replace some parts on both lines. But before we get into speculation, predictions, trade rumors and wish lists, allow us to mourn what should have been a great season.