Sunday, December 16, 2007

Bear Down, Chicago Bear(s)

For the first time since 1920, the neckbeard era will be upon us again Monday night. It's probably the most important Bears news of the year, but I think this story is good enough to displace the Orton hype for the day:

Apparently, one of our young Bears studs has been sleeping around with an actress and comedian -- sounds good, right? I'm sure he's been taking her sweet body to town and...

Oh fuck no!

Are you shitting me? There's a person -- let alone a FOOTBALL PLAYER -- that is having sex with Lisa Lampanelli?!

Apparently, on an interview with Howard Stern last week, Lampanelli stated that she had sex with a "young" member of the Chicago Bears. They met up after the Eagles game (he's a big fan of hers), and they drove to a different hotel to test out the Richter Scale.

If this is a new form of rookie hazing, the guys on the Bears should be all-stars by their sophomore season.

According to Lampanelli on the air, it seems that the individual in question is Black, Young, and "Southern."

Going by her interests and the description, I suggest this new Bears rookie was the culprit:

He's dark, southern fried, and probably her biggest friend on the road.

Other possibilities are Trumane McBride (who is married, apparently), Garrett Wolfe, or Kevin Payne.

Either way, I'm still stunned that whoever the culprit is doesn't have a mustard stain where his hot dog used to be.


The TPC said...

Gepeto, thanks for the investigative reporting, but that story is sick.

Keggers said...

He's a regular Chris Hanson.

shari4160 said...

I think Lisa Lampanelli slept with Airese Currie. He wore #17 and he's from South Carolina. She said he was from the south.