Friday, December 14, 2007

Mark Prior: A Cubs Obituary

Mark Prior, starting pitcher and team leader in simulated games died (to Cubs fans) yesterday after he passed away for arbitration. The death was announced by Jim Hendry and the causes were noted as a weak arm, vagina and heart.

Mark was best known for his 18-6 record with a 2.43 era in his first full season in 2003, pitching in game 6 of the NLCS and raising the collective hopes of millions of Cubs fans. Unfortunately, Mark was not able to fulfill his promise of greatness- in subsequent years he amassed a pathetic total of 17 wins and frequent trips to the injured reserve list. Given as many chances as possible, Mark was not able to get past the rigors of simulated games, which led to his early demise.

Many reasons have been given for his lack of productivity and repeated visits to the minors. The main culprit is Dusty "my toothpick is bigger than my dick" Baker who worked prior like a Siamese whore at the height of tourist season during the 2003 campaign. This loss, even though expected, has saddened Cubs across the world.

Prior's funeral will be held at Wrigley Field

He is survived by Carlos,Ted,Jason, Rich and Sean.


Gepetto said...

Nice to have you aboard, TPC. Let's hope you do more than your namesake.

Keggers said...

Prior's "weak vagina" was actually noted as the cause of death.

He doesn't deserve a Cubs casket after extorting you guys for 4 yearson nothing but potential.