Tuesday, December 25, 2007

What The Hell Happened To: Cade McNown

And this is the most exciting shot of Cade on the web, too

What is it with Bears QBs, the number 8, and the ability to completely dismantle an offense at will?

"Hollywood" Cade McNown graced our fair town in 1999 -- we used the 12th pick of the draft to acquire this cocksucker, passing up on future Pro Bowlers Damien Woody and Jevon Kearse. Cade seemed like a good fit for the organization -- he had a history of being a selfish douchebag, and had no accuracy whatsoever. If there was a QB to lead us into the dark ages after Erik Kramer, McNown was our man. Not only that, but he and current Bears hero Brendon Ayanbadejo actually got busted for having an illegal handicapped parking pass at UCLA, along with allegations of point shaving. Nice.

Well, we all know what happened with McNown -- he took over after Shane Matthews and Jim Miller managed to cripple themselves, and proudly drove our team into the ground with a 1-6 start. He finished that season 1-7 and managed to get benched for his last start. McNown got traded to the Dolphins in '01, and we gladly moved into the Jim Miller era.

What the hell happened to "Hollywood" Cade McNown?

Cade's actually got some interesting dirt. Apparently, he and Tim Couch got into a "who can be a bigger waste of sperm" match over 1999 playmate of the year Heather Kozar. Kozar was dating Couch, but McNown was not about to be outdone -- he bought her a Porsche so that she would sleep with him. Needless to say, Kozar and McNown dated for a while, but McNown was no 1st overall pick -- she went back to Couch not much later.

Dejected, and still willing to wreak havoc on the NFL world, McNown's productivity as Miami's 3rd string QB suffered (how can you fuck up being the 3rd string QB!?), and he was traded to the 49ers for a 7th round pick in '02. He had a good shot at being Tim Rattay's personal footrest, but he managed to get placed on the IR in the preseason with a season-ending injury.

Using his newfound free time, Cade moved on to acting. He appeared in the 2002's "Outta Time," a movie so low-budget that its biggest name actor was George Lopez -- before he got his own TV show. McNown played the role of "Policeman," and if he fired a gun in the movie, I'm sure he managed to miss whatever he was aiming at.

Cade took one last shot at a sports career in 2003, after he was released by the 49ers. The CFL's Calgary Stampeders acquired his rights, but never completed a contract. Cade has since taken his injury-prone body, had some plastic surgery, acquired his old number, and rejoined the Bears under the alias of Rex Grossman -- a clever anagram that decodes to describe his career ("Mom's Sex Rag").

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