Start Doing Something Stupid, Already!

I don't know how much longer I can take this!

What happened to our reputation for producing news-worthy stories of criminal and moronic intent on a regular basis? There hasn't been ONE Chicago sports athlete of ANY KIND involved in a murder, shooting, or off-the-field (police related) incident since Lance Briggs crashed his "Stolen" Lamborghini on the expressway. I refuse to believe that our Chicago-based beasts have become tamed and law-abiding.

Where are our reliable stories? Why isn't Dennis Rodman punching some random reporter in the balls for me? Why did Tank have to get traded? What endangered bird is Jae Kuk Ryu targeting next? How come the White Sox signed Will Cordero the one year that he WASN'T beating his wife?

We need to establish a new group of morons to keep things up while Briggs and Uribe take a break from crime.

I nominate:

Ben Wallace -- This guy is a giant and always looks exhausted before the game even begins. He's got a gigantic contract, so he's got the money to spend at night. If it gets his ass run out of town, all the better.

Lance Briggs -- Yeah, I know I said new, but he's already established, and he has the entire offseason to get back into criminal form. He's already got the Lamborghini thing going for him, but to reach the big time, he's going to have to be involved with somebody's death. Get on that.

Bobby Jenks -- I can see it now: "Fast food worker crushed to death -- was asked for entire stock of hamburgers, and when he failed to produce them, a larger patron apparently landed on him with enough force to shoot his internal organs out of his nose. Film at 11."

Geovany Soto -- This guy looks like he's been involved in the mafia forever, and seeing as the Cubs have nothing else they can throw in at catcher for a while, he should be safe to do pretty much whatever he wants. I trust this guy as much as I trust Kenny Williams' offseason "plan."