Thursday, December 6, 2007

10 Reasons Why I Will Not Be Upset If The Bears Lose Tonight

1) It will strike the final nail in the coffin that has become this season. Following a 13-3 year and a Super Bowl appearance, we Bear faithful felt we would cruise to a bye week, and contend for the privilege of being pimped, pimp slapped, and kicked out of the drug den by the Patriots. Urlacher, Tommie Harris, Griese (?!) and the other starters playing hurt will be able to focus on getting better for next season.

2) Rex can finally take his focus off of the field, and regroup to begin spreading the Rextacy gene by firing throwgasms all over the Chicagoland area.

3) The front office can finally address the dreaded QB issue that has plagued the franchise since Lovie Smith’s ancestors had to use separate entrances to get into the stadium. I heard that a certain Chicago native currently residing in Philadelphia may be available. He and his knees are capable of playing 8-10 games per year.

4) I will not wake up on Sunday with that knot in my stomach like I have every Sunday since the season began. There is nothing to get rid of the sweats and shakes like thinking of Rex completing a painstaking 35 step drop by getting sacked by the guy who beat Fred Miller off the line. It makes me wish for just a headache instead of a headache and dry heaves.

5) I can root for Purple Jesus next weekend on my fantasy team without worrying about him beating the Bears. The way he pummeled us earlier in the season indicates that he should smoke Archuleta -- even on only one good knee.

6) Seriously, is Adam Archuleta not the worst player in the league at his position? My grandfather with Parkinson’s disease gets to a tackle before this guy. At least if the Bears lose tonight I won’t have to watch his sorry ass run alongside receivers on the line for 20 yards before knocking them out of bounds.

7) The offensive line coach can begin classes in teaching Fred Miller that if you must hold a defensive lineman, the facemask is not the best place to do so.

8) At least if they do lose, only 20% of the country will see it.

9) Because the game is on the NFL network, we will all get the pleasure of watching Lovie give his post game press conference with the enthusiasm of a HAL9000 machine.

10) I can watch the playoffs this year in a complete drunken stupor, instead of only a partial one. Last year I punched a wall. It hurt a lot. This year I hope to have it hurt a lot less.


Gepetto said...

You think you had to drink yourself into a stupor this season? Wait until next season when the "good" part of our defense walks during contract negotiations.

Not even the magical offspring of Jim Miller and Erik Kramer could save us now.

Elan said...

Less crap about the shitty Bears, mor eRetarded Ostrich talk

bloomerang said...

Shitty Bears=retarded ostrich. Until the end of the season, prepare to endure talk of the shitty Bears.

Elan said...

It looks like Sexy Rexy is out for the count