A Word With John St. Clair

My belt exploded

They dumped Muhsin Muhammad and Darwin Walker?

Aw shucks...I really liked those guys. I really have to wonder about what direction this team is going -- Walker was only due $5.0 million next year, and he was a good friend. And while Moose wasn't at his best last year, he was a team leader for all of us. This is a sad day for us Bears --

-- what?

They cut Fred Miller, too!?

Oh hell yes! I'm finally starting! They got rid of that tub of shit in the way! Yes! Yes! Yes! You hear that, Freddie-boy? I finally got the nod, you waste of sperm! You remember that TD I had last year? That was just a taste of things to come! I am ver-sa-tile, and the team knows it. We all know why your play dropped off this year -- it's because of ME. Ex-Lax in your milk, thumbtacks under your seat, and holding your sister hostage were all me, baby. You were so frazzled out there you made Archuleta look useful. Adios! So long! Farewell!

Oh man, I cannot WAIT for this year. This is going to be so fucking sweet -- it's going to be like "The Year of the Dragon," except they're going to be talking about ME. "The Year of the St. Clair?" Nah, that sounds gay. What do you think we --

"John St. Clair is next on the depth chart at right tackle, but the Bears will look to upgrade in free agency and the draft."

Oh, fuck you guys.

10 Reasons Why I Will Not Be Upset If The Bears Lose Tonight

1) It will strike the final nail in the coffin that has become this season. Following a 13-3 year and a Super Bowl appearance, we Bear faithful felt we would cruise to a bye week, and contend for the privilege of being pimped, pimp slapped, and kicked out of the drug den by the Patriots. Urlacher, Tommie Harris, Griese (?!) and the other starters playing hurt will be able to focus on getting better for next season.

2) Rex can finally take his focus off of the field, and regroup to begin spreading the Rextacy gene by firing throwgasms all over the Chicagoland area.



3) The front office can finally address the dreaded QB issue that has plagued the franchise since Lovie Smith’s ancestors had to use separate entrances to get into the stadium. I heard that a certain Chicago native currently residing in Philadelphia may be available. He and his knees are capable of playing 8-10 games per year.

4) I will not wake up on Sunday with that knot in my stomach like I have every Sunday since the season began. There is nothing to get rid of the sweats and shakes like thinking of Rex completing a painstaking 35 step drop by getting sacked by the guy who beat Fred Miller off the line. It makes me wish for just a headache instead of a headache and dry heaves.

5) I can root for Purple Jesus next weekend on my fantasy team without worrying about him beating the Bears. The way he pummeled us earlier in the season indicates that he should smoke Archuleta -- even on only one good knee.

6) Seriously, is Adam Archuleta not the worst player in the league at his position? My grandfather with Parkinson’s disease gets to a tackle before this guy. At least if the Bears lose tonight I won’t have to watch his sorry ass run alongside receivers on the line for 20 yards before knocking them out of bounds.

7) The offensive line coach can begin classes in teaching Fred Miller that if you must hold a defensive lineman, the facemask is not the best place to do so.

8) At least if they do lose, only 20% of the country will see it.

9) Because the game is on the NFL network, we will all get the pleasure of watching Lovie give his post game press conference with the enthusiasm of a HAL9000 machine.

10) I can watch the playoffs this year in a complete drunken stupor, instead of only a partial one. Last year I punched a wall. It hurt a lot. This year I hope to have it hurt a lot less.