Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit

I cannot fucking believe this. Ozzie knows our bullpen sucks, so what does he do? He tries to compensate by using our only two functional bullpen members for 5 innings. It is common knowledge that Thornton cannot work more than one inning (sent out to pitch two innings), and Jenks more than two (sent out for three innings) - especially when these guys have been overworked as of late to compensate for our shitty bullpen. Why Ozzie left Jenks in for three innings is beyond me.

Result? Loss in extra innings, Twins sweep. Kill me now.

Are we fucked? Probably.

The Twins officially lead by .5 games now, and finish up the season at home against the hapless Royals. You can expect that the Twinkies will take two out of three, minimum. The Sox play the Indians at home, and the Indians LOVE to play spoiler and make our lives miserable.

Assuming that the Sox manage to stay within a half game of the Twins at season's end (either .5 games up or down), the Sox will play a makeup game against the Tigers. If the Sox are more than .5 games ahead or behind the Twins at season's end, the Tigers game doesn't mean shit and the Twins take the division.

Assuming that the Sox play the makeup game with the Tigers (removing a half-game differential) and move into a tie with the Twins, there is a one-game playoff between the Sox and Twins for the playoff berth.

Sadly, with our current game plan, I don't think we'll be getting to that point.

A Night On The Floor With Joakim Noah

[Inside the tunnel before the game]

Noah (in street clothes): Fuck yeah! . Time to beat these shitty Hawks!

Ben Gordon: Um, you’re playing tonight dipshit. Get your fucking uniform on. And we’re playing the Heat, for chrissake.

Noah: Oh, say what? Ok, shorter less awesome version of Kobe Bryant, I’m going to rock this shit old school.

[Noah runs back into the locker room, returns with his Florida jersey on]


Gordon: No, no you fucking idiot.

Noah: Fuck yeah! I’m gonna rock this shit. Is Brewer out there? I swear to God if that malnourished son of a bitch is there I’ll throw him a wicked oops upsideyohead. WHAT?! HARLEM WHAT?!

Coach Boylan: Ok guys, now the important thing to remember is try your best, and have fun out there, OK? Joakim, why are you we—

Noah: Nice try, Jimmy Crack Corn. That’s Mr. Noah to you. Did you know that my Dad won the French Open? What have you done with yourself?

Boylan: I’m sorry, Mr. Noah. Anyway guys...guys? Guys I need all eyes up here, OK? Luol, are you paying attention?


Deng: [Humming and mumbling unintelligible noises]

Boylan: Joak—I’m sorry. Mr. Noah, would you consider playing in your official Chicago Bulls jersey for tonight's game?

Noah: What? The Bulls? They fucking suck, I’m not gonna wear that shit. Florida, bitch that’s whassup! It’s Gatortime. Fuck it, after this game I’m gonna call Billy-D and tomorrow we’re gonna have a Florida Gator jersey for everyone. The Florida Gators of Chicago. Kind of got a nice ring to it. FUCK YEAH, LET'S GO!!!

[Runs out onto the court doing the ‘Gator Mouth’ arm thing]

Bulls win 126-96

[Back in the locker room]

Noah: [Runs into the locker room, screams like a dying hyena] FUCK YEAH!! DOUBLE DOUBLE BITCH! So, do I get into the Hall of Fame now, or tomorrow? Did you see that shit?


Ben Wallace: Look man, I know you’re happy about your double double, but that was two days ago. Also, maybe you should learn the plays for tomorrow, OK? I don’t think there’s a play where you take the ball the whole length of the court and then dunk.

[Noah takes shirt off and throws it at Nocioni]


Nocioni: AHHHHHH!

Noah: What’s the matter, Afroman? Weren't you supposed to make your free throws until you got high? Riddle me this, tiny center, when is the last time you got out of the single digits?

Coach Boylan: Ok guys, everyone gather around. Luol, come over here, get out of your locker.


Luol Deng: [More unintelligible mumbling, followed by an angry snort]

Boylan: OK, no need to get angry. You can just listen from over there. Now guys, I want everyone to know I’m really happy with the effort everyone put forward. I think we have a long way to go, but it’s a long season and I think we have found a nice—

Noah: Boooooooooorriiiiiiiiiiinnng! Listen, shit goes down like this: tonight was just a practice. Tomorrow the rise of the Florida Gators of Chicago begin! IT’S ON MOTHERFUCKERS!

Used Trojans**

It's one thing to lose to a much better team, which Illinois did on Tuesday. It's quite another to make another team look much better than they truly are, which Illinois also did. The J Leman led defense kept Juice and the boys in it in the first half, while Zook never adjusted away from the playbook. My advice to Zook for next season: If you ARE going to script the first 15 plays, maybe don't tell the press about it. Chances are if the crew at CBS know about it, then the opposing coaches know as well. When all you show Pete Carroll is fake-not-fake handoffs to Mendenhall, it isn't that hard to defend.

Plus how fucking aggravating is it to get your ass kicked on some lucky plays? Illini defenders hit the fuck out of Trojan receivers, only for the ball to pop right into the waiting arms of Joe McKnight, their most dangerous player. That's like Ray Lewis fumbling directly into Devin Hester's hands and having him run back a touchdown. Their punter fumbles the snap, only there was no rush and he still has plenty of time to make some tea, file his nails and get off a 45 yard snap. A bungled laterally passed ball bounces twice on the ground, right into McKnight's hands and he takes it for 65 yards. I guess if this had happened to anyone else it would have just been lucky and wild, but when it happens to USC it just feels like God has taken a shit in your favorite pair of slippers.

The other bad news, is Mendenhall's stellar game (150,TD) means he will most likely skip out of his senior year and head to the NFL. The only way this kid has any shot of being a quality back is if the Bears stay the hell away from him. Lovie and the gang sure have a way of turning promising college players into bench riding whining bitches.

In terms of Illinois, they will be better next year, and Zook clearly has his lockdown on recruiting, but let's just hope he doesn't start hanging out with Jim Tressel anytime soon. That guy is bad news.

**Yes, I'm 12 years old.

The Season Starts in Week 16

"It only took three games, but I just matched Benson's 2007 numbers."

I never thought I would be so angry after a Bears victory.

Not only did the Bears clamp down on the Packers offense (especially Favre, who managed just 6 yards in the first half), but the Bears showed life in every category that cost them the season. Orton had a solid game with 100+ for a TD and no picks, Adrian Peterson passed 100 yards with a touchdown, and everyone got involved in the passing game (for one catch each, but that's not the point).

Here's my problem:

Everyone that played in today's game has been playing for the majority of the season. We all understand the power of the Neckbeard, but there's no excuse for just "trying" towards the end of the season. Had the Bears been playing like this ALL season, we would be in the playoffs instead of the sad excuse for a team that is the New York Giants.

Had the Bears weakly limped onto the field and given it our usual 2007 effort, I would have expected to see this:


Yeah, not my favorite sight, but at least it resonates with our season and shows consistency.

Instead, we get Urlacher returning his first career TD, two blocked punts, and a formidable (if not effective) offensive attack.

Is it just me, or do have the Bears been laying down instead of bearing down?

Well, at least we still have one guy who is giving it 110% every day:

Rextacy, meet Neckstacy

What the hell are they smoking at Purdue?

Let's face it: Kyle Orton with a helmet on is not nearly as entertaining as the Sex Cannon with a helmet on. First of all, you can't even see his neckbeard, and second, he can't throw it downfield like Rex can. Even still, Purdue saw something in Orton that prompted this drawing of a behemoth with a plasma grenade for a throwing hand.

That said, I've decided that Orton is more similar to Samson.

"I take Flintstones vitamins!"

Samson's power came from his hair, and without it, he was weak and powerless. Orton's power comes from his neckbeard being allowed to roam freely, and during the game, it was confined to a tiny little helmet, sapping his true strength.

Even weakened, Orton still had a respectable game. His TD pass was taken away from him (a solid throw at that), and he kept the Bears out of stupid mistakes for as long as he could. Short passes to take pressure off the run game would work if the Bears weren't facing the toughest run D in football. Orton was also the first QB to successfully work at making Hester a legitimate passing threat. Hester has his best game as a WR with 4 catches for 28 yards, and had a few close catches taken away from him (he got knocked out of bounds on a sideline grab).

Also noteable was the way that Orton utilized Peterson, who until then had simply been filling in for Benson. Unlike Cedric the Complainer, Peterson can catch the ball. Orton used him on the screen enough times for Peterson to rack up 8 catches for 51 yards -- probably the best receiving game for a Bears RB this season.

I'm not saying Orton is the answer -- I'm not even saying that Orton is a bonafide QB -- but I will say that he gives the offense a new look that at least forces us to use the short routes.

I wonder if McNabb is paying attention for when he has to do this next year.

And Now, On To Plan Q

"Castro, a converted infielder, is also on our list of targets."

And with yesterday’s Rowand signing, here’s what the current Kenny Williams “pecking order” looks like:

Plan A: Torri Hunter (Signed with Angels)
Plan B: Skullfuck (Signed with Cubs)
Plan C: Aaron Rowand (Signed with Giants)
Plan D: Milton Bradley (Signed with Rangers)
Plan E: Coco Crisp (Staying with Red Sox)
Plan F: Parker Bros/Hasbro (Still available)

What’s next Kenny? You’re running out of players with entertaining names to play the field, and you’re running out of time. There isn’t a chance in hell this team can win the division as is unless Gavin Floyd and John Danks start taking shooting things into their asses that aren’t hot beef related.

Jermaine Dye, Paul Konerko and AJ Pierzynski are locked up for a little while, but these are the sort of people you’d want to be trading to rebuild (well, not AJ…not just yet). I really hope the Sox accept that the Tigers are going to be filthy this year and deal Konerko for a boatload of pitching and prospects. Trade Thome if you can, too.

Also lost in the news (and completely ignored in the Tribune) was that Joe Crede was offered a contract by the White Sox. Crede is supposedly looking for a one year deal so that he can hit the jackpot with a multi-year deal in the offseason. If this isn’t a Scott Boras client, I don’t know what is. Essentially, if the Sox are offering him a contract, that means that no one was biting, including the Brewers (who supposedly wanted Crede to move Ryan “the Butcher” Braun over to first base). Maybe they WILL ship someone, let Crede start, and let Fields play 1B or DH. Just a thought.

Also coming out today is the Mitchell Report, AKA “The Beginning of the End.” There’s probably going to be a lot of whitewash and careful consideration taken, but at the end of the day, it’s going to say “this sport has a lot of cheaters in it.” We know that. It hurts to think about it, but it would REALLY be depressing to hear that your favorite hero was really a cheater. I don’t think I could take it if I found out that a player like Kirk Gibson was on ‘roids.

Finally, what about this Mark Prior guy? I know he has sensitive nipples that can’t handle this cold weather, but he could really bolster our staff in simulated games.

He's Back!

Lovie's made the wrong choice before (Ahem! CedricBenson Ahem!! Cough!), but this time I'm not sure what else he can do. Ladies and gentleman, I present your starting quarterback!

Fuk u, dome

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Leave My Sports Alone, You Bastards!

I just want to watch the game.

Most of us were just enjoying the Bears game (if you can call watching them enjoyment), or any other NFL game without a problem. There are guys hitting eachother, beer is consumed, and I feel in touch with myself (not quite tooting my own horn the way Keggers does, but you get the idea).

And then it happens -- Why the hell are there jewelry commercials in the middle of my football game?

I was just starting to enjoy myself with the game, and now I have to feel guilty that I gave my wife a mop for our anniversary or that I sent my girlfriend to have a “girls’ day out” at Walgreens. I’m male. I don’t happen to buy jewelry just because it’s Sunday. The last time I bought her jewelry was one of those Hulk Hogan thumb wrestlers, and I don’t even know if she even appreciated them as much as I did. Well gee-whiz, I should go and buy some jewelry to make up for it, right?

Last time I checked, I believe I tuned into the game to watch gigantic freaks attempt to kill each other without remorse. Occasionally, I expect to see a commercial for a truck so large that it could tow the fat directly out of my body, and that’s fine. But diamonds? Those don’t compensate for sexual inadequacy! I’d understand if it were maybe once a game, but it’s almost every goddamned commercial break

There’s this commercial where some guy gets pegged with snowballs by his wife and then pulls out a bag with the Kay Jewelry and she stops hitting him. This is supposed to make me want to buy some diamonds? For hitting me with snowballs, you're lucky I let you out of the cellar.

FUCK GOD DAMMIT FUCK

I was having a flashback of 2003, when it was interrupted by two consecutive Griese-bomb interceptions.

Maybe this will make the impending doom a little easier.

10 Reasons Why I Will Not Be Upset If The Bears Lose Tonight

1) It will strike the final nail in the coffin that has become this season. Following a 13-3 year and a Super Bowl appearance, we Bear faithful felt we would cruise to a bye week, and contend for the privilege of being pimped, pimp slapped, and kicked out of the drug den by the Patriots. Urlacher, Tommie Harris, Griese (?!) and the other starters playing hurt will be able to focus on getting better for next season.

2) Rex can finally take his focus off of the field, and regroup to begin spreading the Rextacy gene by firing throwgasms all over the Chicagoland area.



3) The front office can finally address the dreaded QB issue that has plagued the franchise since Lovie Smith’s ancestors had to use separate entrances to get into the stadium. I heard that a certain Chicago native currently residing in Philadelphia may be available. He and his knees are capable of playing 8-10 games per year.

4) I will not wake up on Sunday with that knot in my stomach like I have every Sunday since the season began. There is nothing to get rid of the sweats and shakes like thinking of Rex completing a painstaking 35 step drop by getting sacked by the guy who beat Fred Miller off the line. It makes me wish for just a headache instead of a headache and dry heaves.

5) I can root for Purple Jesus next weekend on my fantasy team without worrying about him beating the Bears. The way he pummeled us earlier in the season indicates that he should smoke Archuleta -- even on only one good knee.

6) Seriously, is Adam Archuleta not the worst player in the league at his position? My grandfather with Parkinson’s disease gets to a tackle before this guy. At least if the Bears lose tonight I won’t have to watch his sorry ass run alongside receivers on the line for 20 yards before knocking them out of bounds.

7) The offensive line coach can begin classes in teaching Fred Miller that if you must hold a defensive lineman, the facemask is not the best place to do so.

8) At least if they do lose, only 20% of the country will see it.

9) Because the game is on the NFL network, we will all get the pleasure of watching Lovie give his post game press conference with the enthusiasm of a HAL9000 machine.

10) I can watch the playoffs this year in a complete drunken stupor, instead of only a partial one. Last year I punched a wall. It hurt a lot. This year I hope to have it hurt a lot less.