Where has the Dong been?

So as some of you may have noticed, the Bears played and won last week. And yet this event has not even been acknowledged by the Dong. Why would our ace sportswriters pass this up, especially after bitching for so long about not having anything to write about? Why the lack of updates? Where the hell is everybody around here?

Here's a hint:

Oxymoron Traded

"Love me, Angel. Love me."

This is semi-old news, but it's worth mentioning. The Cubs dealt Angel Pagan to the Mets on Saturday for two minor leaguers. -- if you were living anywhere outside of Chicago at the time, that's probably all the news you would have gotten. However, here at Luol's Dong, we take pride in our investigative reporting. Let's learn some more about the players involved, shall we?

Angel Pagan
Career stats on Cubs: .255 with nine homers and 39 RBIs in 148 games
Favorite hobby: Spending time on the disabled list.
Attracted to: Blondes, Glasses, Breasts, Pasty Skin (see image above).
Bowling Shirt Style: Open
Bats: Switch hitter
Throws: Poorly
Ex-Friends: Sam Fuld, Felix Pie, Matt Murton

Ryan Meyers
Class A Savannah Stats: 13 saves and a 2.14 ERA. 55 K's, 16 W in 51 2/3 innings.
Favorite Hobby: Throwing things.
Attracted to: Anything that walks upright.
Bowling Shirt Style: N/A
Bats: L
Throws: R
Ambidextrous: Not really
Amphibious: Possibly

Corey Coles
Double-A Binghamton Stats: .296 AVG, 1HR 22RBI in 66 Games.
Favorite Hobby: Hitting things.
Attracted to: Angel Pagan, Ryan Meyers.
Bowling Shirt Style: Edible
Bats: L
Throws: L
Penis shape: L

With all those L's, Coles should fit right in to the Cubs' immediate future.

Actually, to be honest, both of those prospects have a solid chance of panning out: Coles could become a good contact hitter in the majors, and Meyers has some good stuff. Not only that, but Pagan spends more time on the DL than any non-pitcher the Cubs have, and even when healthy, he's not all that good. All in all, as much as I hate to say it, this is the verdict of the trade:

The Season Starts in Week 16

"It only took three games, but I just matched Benson's 2007 numbers."

I never thought I would be so angry after a Bears victory.

Not only did the Bears clamp down on the Packers offense (especially Favre, who managed just 6 yards in the first half), but the Bears showed life in every category that cost them the season. Orton had a solid game with 100+ for a TD and no picks, Adrian Peterson passed 100 yards with a touchdown, and everyone got involved in the passing game (for one catch each, but that's not the point).

Here's my problem:

Everyone that played in today's game has been playing for the majority of the season. We all understand the power of the Neckbeard, but there's no excuse for just "trying" towards the end of the season. Had the Bears been playing like this ALL season, we would be in the playoffs instead of the sad excuse for a team that is the New York Giants.

Had the Bears weakly limped onto the field and given it our usual 2007 effort, I would have expected to see this:


Yeah, not my favorite sight, but at least it resonates with our season and shows consistency.

Instead, we get Urlacher returning his first career TD, two blocked punts, and a formidable (if not effective) offensive attack.

Is it just me, or do have the Bears been laying down instead of bearing down?

Well, at least we still have one guy who is giving it 110% every day:

Pro Bowl

So, the Pro Bowl votes have been "counted" (does anyone believe this is legit?) and despite our shitty season, the Bears are sending 4 beasts, all on D and special teams.

Tommie Harris, Brendon Ayanbadejo, Lance Briggs and obviously Devon Hester.

A solid group and I definitely agree with Briggs over Urlacher (Briggs has been our best player this season). Ayanbadejo is awesome (not to be confused with his roiding younger brother Obefami who we cut last year) although I wish we could use him more in a normal defensive set instead of just on special teams.

I thought Gould and Kruetz had a chance but… not to be.

While perusing the internet, I found the most amazing thing ever. Apparently, the Ayanbadejo brothers have their own website with a weekly video updating the world on their off-field exploits. You’ve gotta see this to believe it: (http://www.brotherup.com/).

A few observations:

-They’re obviously both on the same batch of roids.
-I can’t stop laughing
-Make sure to check out the link to their myspace page too. It's very amusing.

-The chick in the video has a nice rack

Enjoy.

To Root or not to Root that is the question?

(Wiping the tears away)

Now that the Bears season is officially over, there remains one crucial decision for the dedicated fans: To root or not to root?

Fantanking (rooting for your team to lose) has been an issue for hardcore fans ever since the advent of the draft. What do you do when your team is mathematically out of contention? Many fans blatantly express their desire for their teams demise and feel extremely comfortable in doing so because they feel they are helping the franchise in the long run. Personally, I've never felt comfortable rooting against my beloved teams in order to obtain a better draft pick.

Lets go over the bears 1st round drafting history for the last 10 years:

1998- Curtis P. Enis (Bust)
1999- Cade Mcnown (Bust)

2000- Brian Urlacher (Awesome)

2001- David Terell (Bust)
2002- Marc Columbo (Bust)
2003- Michael Haynes (Bust)
2004- Tommie Harris (Awesome)

2005- Cedric Benson (TBD but big bust as of yet)

2006- Daniel Manning (Girls name and has played well)
2007- Greg Olsen (Going to be great)

Additionally many second round picks have panned out better, (Mark "Sack Meast" Anderson and Devin "I'd let him have sex with my bubbie" Hester).

As you can see our 1st round drafting history is not that impressive, and rooting for a bears loss is just too much for me. In my humble opinion, I want the bears to kick ass against the packers and win out the season.

P.S. Is it just me or does Tim Tebow look eerily like Rex Grosssman (Both Romosexuals)

Leave My Sports Alone, You Bastards!

I just want to watch the game.

Most of us were just enjoying the Bears game (if you can call watching them enjoyment), or any other NFL game without a problem. There are guys hitting eachother, beer is consumed, and I feel in touch with myself (not quite tooting my own horn the way Keggers does, but you get the idea).

And then it happens -- Why the hell are there jewelry commercials in the middle of my football game?

I was just starting to enjoy myself with the game, and now I have to feel guilty that I gave my wife a mop for our anniversary or that I sent my girlfriend to have a “girls’ day out” at Walgreens. I’m male. I don’t happen to buy jewelry just because it’s Sunday. The last time I bought her jewelry was one of those Hulk Hogan thumb wrestlers, and I don’t even know if she even appreciated them as much as I did. Well gee-whiz, I should go and buy some jewelry to make up for it, right?

Last time I checked, I believe I tuned into the game to watch gigantic freaks attempt to kill each other without remorse. Occasionally, I expect to see a commercial for a truck so large that it could tow the fat directly out of my body, and that’s fine. But diamonds? Those don’t compensate for sexual inadequacy! I’d understand if it were maybe once a game, but it’s almost every goddamned commercial break

There’s this commercial where some guy gets pegged with snowballs by his wife and then pulls out a bag with the Kay Jewelry and she stops hitting him. This is supposed to make me want to buy some diamonds? For hitting me with snowballs, you're lucky I let you out of the cellar.