Why Does Everyone Hate Jim Hendry?

We will march on Washington! We will have hamburgers in the dugout!

Look - I hate the Cubs as much as the next guy, but any Cub fan fighting for the removal of Jim Hendry is an absolute moron. Yes, the Cubs are terrible. Yes, the Cubs haven't won anything since the silent film era. I understand that it's tough and that someone is to blame, but you don't blame Jim Hendry.

Let's take a look at all the "horrible" things that Hendry has done for you over the years, shall we?

2002 - Hendry deals Dontrelle Willis and Julian Tavarez for Matt Clement and Antonio Alfonseca

As we know, Willis went on to have a few really good seasons for Florida, and has since become a colossal bust. Tavarez had a good year for the Pirates and one for Boston, but otherwise failed to live up to expectations (not to mention getting knocked around more than Rihanna).

On the Cubs end dumping the psychotic Tavarez proved to be a bit of "addition by subtraction", Clement had three great years for the Cubs (cumulative 3.80 ERA, and over 170 Ks every year), and is best known for being the guy that the 2005 White Sox annihilated on the way to steamrolling the Red Sox. Alfonseca had two sub-par years for the Cubs and became a pariah. Not really Hendry's fault though, as Alfonseca had a solid track record over the past 4 seasons when the Cubs acquired him.

Result: Push

2002 - Cubs deal Todd Hundley for Grudzielanek and Eric Karros

To put this simply, Hendry absolutely raped the Dodgers here. Hundley, a piece of shit with a lousy contract, gets dealt for two cornerstones of the 2003 team. Hundley never topped a .211 batting average in two years with the Cubs, and was out of baseball in 2005 after an even shittier year with the Dodgers. Grudz put together two years with a BA over .300 with Karros hitting .286 and both providing a damn solid infield.

Result: Big win for Hendry


2002 - Cubs sign Dusty Baker

Some people would view this as a failure by Hendry. Look at what actually happened here - Hendry managed to get the manager of a team that lost the World Series by ONE GAME to come to Chicago and manage a team that hadn't done shit. Baker follows through by taking the Cubs as close as they have been in several decades with a nice run in 2003. Unfortunately, due to mismanagement, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood become the all-time wins leaders in simulated games over the next few years.

Result: Baker did everything he was supposed to - not Hendry's fault the guy eats youth for breakfast. Push.

2003 - Cubs trade Jose Hernandez and Bobby Hill for Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton

Not one to roll over and die, Hendry makes a move after Corey Patterson gets hurt to keep the team rolling. Not only did Hill never top a .270 BA in his career (in addition to getting hurt shortly after the trade), but he was out of baseball two years later. Hernandez had a solid year in 2004, but was also out of baseball two years afterwards, ending a very long career. Lofton hit .327 for the Cubs that year in addition to providing stellar defense and a threat to steal bases. 50 games were never better. Oh, and that Ramirez guy? He's only been the best hitter on the team for the last 6 years. Not bad for a flier.

Result: Hendry's move keeps the Cubs alive, pays huge dividends later. Big win for Hendry.

2oo4 - Cubs get Derrek Lee and Michael Barrett for Hee Seop Choi and Damian Miller. Cubs sign LaTroy Hawkins, Todd Walker, Greg Maddux .

Every single one of those free agent signings paid dividends, especially Maddux. Yes, LaTroy Hawkins became yet another Cubs reliever of lore for being the cause of all things evil in the world (despite an ERA of 2.63). Barrett put up a couple solid hitting seasons (some of those hits being AJ Pierzynski) and worked out nicely. Derrek Lee became the Cubs second-best hitter of the past 6 years, and a hell of a fielder. To contrast, Hee Seop Choi was out of baseball just two years later, never topping a .250 BA. Miller was hitting .230 for the Cubs at the time, and although he put together two OK seasons after that, hit numbers were never as good as Barrett's.

Result: Yet another big win for Hendry.

2004 - Cubs get Nomar Garciaparra and Matt Murton for Alex Gonzalez, Brendan Harris, and Francis Beltran

Harris has managed to cling to life since this trade, and although he has never realized much potential, he's still floating around. Alex Gonzalez never played a full season again and was out of baseball two years later. Beltran tanked for the Expos, and then didn't touch a baseball until 2008 where he picked up a win with the Tigers (and has yet to play since).

In contrast, Garciaparra was still a huge name at the time. Although he was injured both years he was with the Cubs, he hit when he could. Murton had three good years for the Cubs (batting over .280 through 2007). Let's face it boys and girls - no amount of help could save the 2004 season - injuries to EVERY SINGLE CUB made sure of it.

Result: Minor victory for Hendry here. Tough luck that everyone was crippled.

2005 - Cubs deal Sammy Sosa for Jerry Hairston Jr., Mike Fontenot and David Crouthers.

Let's be clear here - Sosa had to go. When you pull one of those "pay me a bajillion dollars but I am going to leave the ballpark in disgust" things, you're gone. It also doesn't help when you're coming off the worst year of your career. Sosa had two meaningless seasons since - one with Texas and one with Baltimore - and never came close to his previous ability.

Fontenot, barring a lousy year in 2009, has been a great Cubs role-player and uber-clutch. Hairston was kind of a bum. He never topped the .260 he hit with the Cubs once in his career.

Result: Small win for Hendry. Nothing like a long term payoff for a washed up money sink.

2006 - Cubs get Jacque Jones and Juan Pierre for Ricky Nolasco, Sergio Mitre, Ranyel Pinto.

Finally, a loss for the Cubs. Nolasco has been pretty solid for Florida, Mitre had a great start to 2006 before injuries, and until this year, Pinto was great news for the Marlins as well. To contrast, Jones and Pierre were universally hated by every Cubs fan on the planet. This, of course, despite the fact that Jones his .285 in two seasons with the Cubs, and that Pierre hit .292 with 58 stolen bases. Of course, both were run out of town. Have I mentioned that Cubs fans are the worst scum of the earth?

Result: Hendry loses this one on reputation alone (although I'm going to say it's a small loss).

2007 - Cubs sign Alfonso Soriano, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, and Mark DeRosa

What's that? Despite sinking a bajillion dollars into Soriano (thank the Tribune for that contract), Hendry is able to sign three other big players for the Cubs? I'm not even going to grade this one, but suffice to say this is a great series of moves by Hendry. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.

Result: Huge win for Hendry

2008 - Cubs sign Kosuke Fukudome

This didn't work out as planned, huh? Never trust the Cubs to sit out a bidding war when the Tribune is willing to put zillions on the line. Unfortunately, this is an obvious loss for Hendry.

Result: Hendry's worst move to date

2009 - Cubs sign Milton Bradey

OK, I lied.

Result: Hendry's REALLY worst move to date. Not his fault that the guy decided to stop hitting, though.

2009 - Cubs trade DeRosa for Jeff Stevens, Chris Archer, and John Gaub

In one of the most fan-reviled moves of all time, beloved Mark DeRosa is sent away for three no-names. Stevens has actually turned out to be a solid bullpen component on an otherwise bullpen-weak team, and Gaub has been tearing up the minors last I looked. DeRosa has never come close to replicating his success on the Cubs since.

Result: Beloved or not, this is a win for Hendry thus far.

2010 - Cubs sign Marlon Byrd

Byrd has been the Cubs' best hitter this year. No ifs, ands, or buts. He's been an absolute monster at the plate and in the field as well. Thanks to Hendry, this guy is on the team.

Result: Thus far, ginormous win for Hendry.


In short, fuck you Cubs fans. Why must you complain about everything, even when it's going well? I hope you DO fire Hendry so you can wind up with some piece of shit like Brian Sabean. Then we'll see who's sorry.

A Day Filled With Bad News

Just because it didn't happen yesterday doesn't mean I didn't want it to

Sox:
So...could we find a way to suck more? Since Buerhle's perfect game, wins have been hard to come by. We lost 3/4 to Detroit, and then took another loss at the Metrodome last night. The defense was a joke, especially during a particularly disgusting 2nd inning that had the Twins scoring 2 runs on 2 singles (and 2 errors). In other news, AJ and Alexei are trying to kill eachother in the dugout, and Brian Anderson is asking to be traded.

This sucks.

Cubs:
You know, it's funny. I was watching this game for the sole purpose of making sure that the Cubs would lose, but found myself taking a different view of it. The reality is "which team sucks less?" In a game where the last 5 innings had both teams getting baserunners to 2nd or 3rd with less than 2 outs almost every time, you knew that someone would have to accidentally get a hit.

As it so happens, Soriano decided to end one of his worst days with a bang, a walk off grand slam. What the newspaper will probably overlook is that until that grand slam, Soriano had three K's, and neglected to run out a fair chopper (didn't even leave the batter's box) that could have been even worse had the runner not advanced to 2nd on contact.

Oh, and don't even get me started on that "suicide squeeze" where Fontenot NEGLECTED TO MAKE CONTACT, leaving Bradley dead in the water on the squeeze play. I especially enjoyed that one.

Also worth noting: the Astros' Arias is going to be a sick closer one day, as that guy's pitches have movement, speed, and location that's like watching the catcher hold up an oversized magnet.

Roundup: Tuesday 5/19

Blackhawks:
Hawks lose an ugly one in OT to the Red Wings, giving them a 2-0 lead in the series. The Hawks outplayed the Red Wings every step of the way, but just couldn't get the results. The Red Wings, on ther other hand, took advantage of a Brian Campbell fuckup to get a 3-1 matchup and an easy goal. Khabibulin may be one heck of a goalie, but he just didn't have his best stuff.

It seems our go-to plan to be competitive is to give Kane the puck and let him find ways to work Toews into the excitement. Let's push for a big Hawks comeback in game three, because we need it.

Sox:
The White Sox actually won a game (first in five straight losses), which means only one thing:

"DING DONG! NORMAL GUY IN THE HOUSE!"

That's right motherfuckers - Brian Anderson is back! Even though Anderson did little to spark the offense with a 0-4 performance, he did play two pivotal roles in the victory. One, he kept Brent "I'm Just a Pinch Runner for Chrissake" Lillibridge out of the lineup. Two, he actually played Center Field, something that this team has been missing since he went on the DL. Buerhle pitched a great game, and the offense seemed to be content with a non-Quentin lineup. I'm OK with this for now.

Cubs:
Joel Pineiro? Really? Isn't this the same guy who had 5 ER against the shit-laden Pirates lineup last week? The Cubs and their 11 kajillion dollar team should be able to put a dent in this guy, but alas, they get 3-hit as Pineiro cruises to a complete game shutout...and lowers his ERA a full .75 in the process.

Not much to report here, otherwise - the Cubs squandered their best chance when Soriano got picked off, and while Lilly didn't pitch as well as Pineiro, he wasn't bad either. Hey, at least Kevin Gregg worked a scoreless inning - there's a first time for everything right?

At least the Hawks have the right idea

Might need a new banner after this season

With the Blackhawks going nose-to-the-grindstone and pulling out a big win, it makes me wonder what the hell the baseball teams are doing right now. The Hawks don't have the injury problems the other teams do (although after seeing Kane and Toews get splattered about 20 times in the 3rd period of Saturday night's game, I'm surprised they don't), but it's not about the roster - it's about heart.

"Falco, this team needs heart...and I need the number of that chick from the bar. You know who I'm talking about."

Instead of putting up a fight, both the Sox and the Cubs have been laying down in the mud to die for the past couple of days. Sure, there were some wins that came out of it, but realistically, both teams should be lucky with the wins they have.

Cubs:
I don't even know where to start here. Trading DeRosa to free up the contract for Bradley could still pay off, but right now the Cubs are starting a paper-thin infield of Aaron Miles, Theriot, and Fontenot. If any one of those three guys gets hurt or need a night off, there's going to be all sorts of problems (Freel isn't even healthy yet, and the next in line is Bobby "How Did I Get Here" Scales).

Next, there's the interesting case of the rotation. First of all, everyone and their mother should have known that Ryan Dempster was due for a harsh dose of reality - he's got the potential to be good, but he never should have been as good as he was. It was like Jon Garland in the first few months of the '05 season - just completely out of character. Likewise, Lilly and Harden have been streaky (and I still fully expect Harden to take a trip to the DL soon - have I mentioned that you never EVER trade with Oakland?). Zambrano is also out for trying to be a hitter when he should have been a pitcher. And the bullpen? Please. Marmol and Gregg are the most "consistent" out of the 'pen with only two heart attacks per 5 IP. Oh, and for those of you keeping score at home, Michael Wuertz has a 1.62 ERA with 14 K in 16 IP with OAKLAND. Yikes.

Sox:
It's so depressing I can hardly stand it. Not only was Brian Anderson sidelined after a hot start, but with Wise also nursing injuries, Brent Lillibridge is seeing daily action (Ozzie refuses to put Ramirez in CF...why?). Lillibridge is the equivalent of a fantastic dump - you don't mind looking at it for a little bit to marvel your handiwork, but then you realize the fumes have killed your cat and you flush it away. You don't sit there and let the shit permeate your home - which is exactly what Lillibridge is doing.

Next, you've got the problem of the "free swingers." Alexei has a swing as long as Luol's Dong, and it's making him completely useless. Josh Fields is also showing less patience than the beginning of the season, and don't even get me started on Lillibridge again. All in all, it makes for some serious rally-killing, as the only guys who DO get on base are too slow to take more than one bag at a time. I still think we should trade as many vets as possible at the deadline to take a legit shot at being a 2010 or 2011 contender.

Finally, the pitching staff is JUST Buerhle and Danks. Floyd has been as erratic as I feared he would be, showing that a curveball just isn't enough to get it done. Likewise, Colon has just run out of gas (pun intended) in most of his starts, providing 5-6 solid innings of work but not much more. Contreras is just godawful, and is likely done barring a remastery of his forkball. And instead of calling up Poreda or giving proper rest to Clayton Richard (who has been groomed as a starter since...forever), Guillen is looking at Broadway or Carrasco to pick up the slack. Welcome to the 5th starter black hole once again.

The Rest:
The Bears are rumored to be interested in Amani Toomer - if you can't get Torry Holt, why not get the older and slower imitation? Maybe he'll bring in a veteran presence.

Jeremy Mayfield became the first NASCAR driver to fail a drug test. What the fuck do you need to take 'roids for in NASCAR!? Is the wheel that hard to turn? Did you need a few extra feet off of your victory backflip? Do you need to hold the car up during pit sessions? Jesus you're dumb.

Look how much faster I can go!

Reason #482,493 that I hate the Cubs

Strange Choices

Number of losing seasons since 1978

Earlier this week, the Cubs retired #31, as used by Greg Maddux and Fergie Jenkins. Both Maddux and Jenkins had stellar careers, and are both probably worthy of having their numbers retired...by someone. Now, what I don't understand is why they chose to retire these two over anyone else (aside from getting a cheap "2 for 1" deal on number retirement) - especially since it seems like they waited about 20 seconds after Maddux retired to get this set up.

First of all, let's get one thing straight - Maddux was an absolute monster. He pitched with his brain and let a 88 MPH fastball fool some of the best hitters in baseball. He certainly played for the Cubs enough (he was on the team 10 different times), but do you award a player for the amount of time he spent on a team, or where he achieved his accolades?

If you're going by where Maddux did his work, the answer is obviously Atlanta. Maddux pitched a great year for the Cubs in '92 (and won a Cy Young), but the reality is that Maddux absolutely wrecked the competition for the next 10 years as a member of the Atlanta Braves (including a batshit insane stint in '94 and '95). If anyone should be retiring Maddux, it's Atlanta - don't retire the number of a guy who did his best work for the opposing team. If you're going with that logic, why not retire Bruce Sutter's number or Rick Sutcliffe's (both of which were great acquisitions, but not really "Cubs" players for their careers)? What about Andre Dawson?

As for Fergie, he was a monstrous workhorse. In both cases he certainly spent a lot of time with the Cubs and had his best years as a Cub...but is it enough? Fergie spent 8 years with the club, amassing a Cy Young and some impressive stats on an otherwise futile Cubs team. Still, I can think of a few more deserving candidates that "Bleed Cubbie Blue."

Mark Grace: 12 years with the club providing consistent hitting, defense, and mad skills. Grace had a career average over .300 with the Cubs, and in an era of ridiculous homerun hitters and juicers (especially when one is on your team), hit no more than 16 in any year on the way to becoming one of the most prodigious hitters in Cubs history. Oh, and other than that little tail-end trip to Arizona for three short seasons, Grace spent almost his entire career with the Cubs. That's gotta be worth something, right? Oh, and did I mention he was absolutely sick in the playoffs?

Sammy Sosa: Sosa will be remembered for a lot of things - the fact that he couldn't find Right Field unless the patch of dead grass was there to direct him, the face that he "accidentally" used a corked bat in a game, and the fact that he needed an interpreter for...one day. Point being, Sosa also happened to be the face of the Cubs for 12 years where he hit a then-unheard of number of homeruns, followed by that bullshit kissing and tapping the chest business. Yes, he's a dick, yes he likely used roids, but if you're going to award a player for time spent with the team and a prodigious career while on it, he's your guy.

Got a better suggestion than these two? Hit up the comments.

Dotel Loves The Hugs

"Michelle, I meant to tell you this earlier, but...you're a total bitch."

Octavio Dotel - foreign, loves cigars, cockfighting and...our president?

Sure looks that way, as Dotel asked president Obama for a hug while they were in Baltimore, and got his wish:

"I saw the opportunity to ask for a hug," Dotel said after the team returned to its Baltimore hotel. "He said, 'Of course.' that was really nice of him. He knows a lot about us. He noticed that we've been playing well lately. He's a big fan. I can tell he really enjoyed (the visit)."

Look, I don't know about you, but even as a White Sox fan, I would be thinking serious security breach if someone lets Octavio Dotel come at you with his arms wide open. He may be the Dominican version of the Dos Equis guy, but that doesn't make him any less insane.

"I don't always smoke cigars, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis."

Still - pretty badass that the leader of this country is a Sox fan. Yes, I know, we should be over it by now, but it's still so fucking cool.

In other news...

Sox Win. The universe listened to me - Anderson was back at the bottom of the lineup, Thome was given the day off again and Fields was moved to DH while Betemit played third. The result? A White Sox winner, ladies and gents. A far more mysterious move was that after Anderson went 0-2 with a walk, Ozzie put in Jerry Owens...who did nothing. How much do you have to hate Brian Anderson to put in Jerry Owens? It's like sending your mentally retarded kid to take the LSATs - you know it's not going to work, but you think if you just try and force it a bit maybe you'll get lucky.

Other points of interest - yes, Lillebridge is fast, but he cannot hit a fucking baseball. Pinch runner. Send Owens to go work at a Pac Sun or whatever failed baseballers do and call up Nix. Nix can play the infield and he CAN HIT. Owens can do neither of these things. Lillebridge can then become the "supersub" (he can play CF, sure, what the hell) and pinch runner. Gavin Floyd pitched like shit, and got extremely lucky that his 10 hits only amounted to three runs. The bullpen promptly went into lockdown mode, and the Sox took 6-3 winner.

Cubs succumb to reality. 10-0? Really? That's pretty fucking pathetic if you ask me. Ryan Dumpster coughed up 5 ER to the DIAMONDBACKS - you know, the team where the 3-10 hitters aren't over a .280 avg? You just put those guys on the map.

I especially like the "relief" pitching. If you can call it that.

"Oh no, Carlos Marmol will save us because we hated that Kevin Gregg guy! He'll shut down the bad Diamondbacks!"

Oh yeah, he'll shut em down - by making them tired from batting around the order. Four walks, 4 ER and only one out? Great showing, Carlos.

"Oh, Kevin Gregg is the closer now! He's the best! We like him more! Put in Gregg!"

Really? Two outs for Gregg, but he coughs up another run. That gives all the "pivotal relief" players (Marmol, Gregg, Patton Samardz...whatever) astoundingly bad ERAs above 6.

This is the year, for sure.

Baseball happened

Ted Lilly doesn't suck, but his teammates sure do...

Cubs got blanked 3-0 by the Reds last night, despite a solid game from Ted Lilly and good hitting from the top of their lineup. Tough loss for the Cubs all around and ending a 3 game win streak. Milton Bradley is now batting a solid .043, which according to Moody's and the S&P, completely justifies his $30M contract. Too bad they don't give bailout cash for bad assets in baseball...

Jimmy T crushing number 545

The south siders beat up on the Orioles 8-2 behind an awesome game from Danks and some solid offense. Bubble starters Chris Getz and Brian Anderson went a combined 5/8 on the night, Josh fields had 3 hits and our defense was outstanding (as it has been with Anderson in center). Jermaine Dye had a nice catch to save a HR and it continues to amaze me that he can get to the outfield wall at all... Is it just me or does it look like he's playing RF underwater?

In other news, the Cubs called up Jeff Smardjaidizziananaifiiahdlma who is better known for his WR days with the Fightin Irish where he made Brady Quinn look like a legitimate QB (something Braylon Edwards hasn't seemed to grasp) and the ChiSox are already fielding rumors about demoting Jose Contreras. Paul Konerko is sneaky batting over .300 and Chris Getz is looking like a good fantasy option at 2B (very thin pickings out there) batting in front of a nasty 3-4-5-6 (Quentin, Thome, Dye, Konerko). Thank me later.

-KEG

Kevin Gregg is full of shit

I didn't forget to shave - some guy didn't give me free razorblades!

If there's one thing I can't stand it's when people make excuses. Even worse is when people make REPEATED excuses and drag other people into it!

Case in point, here's Piniella's comments after Gregg fucked up save chance #2:

"Gregg is our closer; I said that last night," Piniella said Sunday. "Look, I found out an interesting piece of information on Gregg that I didn't know about. And that's that once I get him up and don't use him, his knee tightens up on him... I won't use him at all in the eighth inning because he sits here. And then he goes out there and his knee 's a little tighter in the ninth."

OK, so he's old and he gets tense. I suppose that's grounds for one mistake or so...but wait, what's this? After another blown save, Piniella blames...Koyie Hill!?

“You can’t walk as many people as we did from the seventh inning on. You just can’t do it. You’re going to lose,” said Piniella, who was most upset about the Duffy walk — for the pitch selection as much as the result. ”Get the ball over the plate. Make the other team beat you. Period.”

Piniella called Hill into his office after the game to make the point clear enough to be heard out in the clubhouse: Don’t fool around with secondary pitches there; make Duffy hit a fastball.

Seriously?

Leave Koyie Hill alone.

Bringing the class

Yes - it's almost as good as discovering that Jesus liked the Bears.

After watching the U.S. Cellular "opening video" for the Chicago White Sox, you have to wonder how much these guys really get into it. As a prequel to yesterday's dominating 6-1 victory, the eyes and ears were serenaded with the usual video tribute to Passion, Pride, Tradition, and Completely Annihilating The Opposition to music from the Pirates soundtrack and AC/DC.

I don't know how much the players get into it, but I know that I certainly think it's awesome. Some people think that the opening sequences are lame, and detract from old time baseball. You know what? Fuck you. Our intro sequence is absolutely badass. You get pumped, the players get pumped (hopefully), and you really get the impression of "We Will Fucking Kill You" that the video successfully represents.

You want an old-timey introduction? What, like having some drunk-ass hobo yelling "WOO" before and after every noun? Then maybe instead of the shirt above, you'll be seeing a lot more of this shirt during games in October:

And NOW we can start

I suppose you could say we have a bias here towards the White Sox. Well, I don't care what you think, because we're SO equal coverage. The fact that there was no baseball post until the Sox home opener? Unrelated. The fact that I'm acknowledging the Cubs only because they lost today? OK, maybe.

Sox - 1-0 - 1.000 win percentage - best team in the AL - etc etc.

A very clutch homer by Thome seals this one up. Great effort from the bullpen, Chris Getz, and Josh Fields (who had a bunt single AND a great defensive stop). On the flip side, DeWayne Wise has shown no reason why he should be in the leadoff spot, and Buerhle didn't have much in the way of control (3 BB and 2 HBP in 5 IP). Still, it's better than the opening day line of the last two years where the starter went 1.2 IP with 6 ER...etc etc.

Oh, and hitting that homer off of ex-Cubs lunatic Kyle Farnsworth? I'll take it.


Cubs - 1-1 - Not as good.

Cubs lose a heartbreaker in extras to the lowly Astros. Hilariously, today seems to be a showcase of Cubs chokers. First Farnsworth coughs it up in the Sox game, and then LATROY HAWKINS gives up the tying run! Oh, and then there's the CURRENT Cubs chokers like Cotts (who has been consistently awful for the last two years...why does he keep making the roster?) and new acquisition Kevin Gregg.

Frankly, I'm confused by the Box Score that Yahoo! is currently showing. According to the box, Cotts pitched exactly one inning (the 9th) and gave up a run. Then, in the 10th, Gregg gave up a walk and a hit (no runs) and the game ended. This makes no sense, especially since Cotts got pegged with the loss. I have to assume that there were inherited runners for Gregg to botch.

How long until fans are clamoring for Marmol to close?

BASEBALL!!!

I can see it now...

So what if the Sox home opener has to get moved a day? BASEBALL IS OFFICIALLY HERE. I am so stoked to see what our local chokejobs can do. Here are a few things to keep your eye on this season:

SOX:

How long until Clayton Richard is starting? Contreras and Colon have the last two spots sewn up...for now. How long will it take for one of them to get hurt or lose the job to Richard? Only time will tell...

How long will Wise bat leadoff? I say 3 weeks, max. If Getz hits at the major league level, they'll try and move him up. Lord knows Wise can't maintain a decent OBP (career pinch runner? Yes, please).

Will Alexei repeat? A lot of signs point to "no" - especially the "I swing at everything and walking is for sissies" mentality that worked for him last season. I'm still hoping he can somehow hit .300 with single-digit walks.

Bullpen?! We have a lot of names - from Linebrink to Dotel to Carrasco to MacDougal - but nothing that screams "dependable." Our best bets are Thornton (good for one inning max) and Jenks, so here's hoping the 7th inning guys get it together.

CUBS:

More rotation question marks. Between Zambrano, Dempster, Lilly and Harden, you've got the potential for 80 wins...or 30 wins as the result of injuries and inconsistency. Zambrano is about 1,000 pitches overdue for a surgery, and Harden lives his life on the DL (plus he came from Oakland). On the flip side, Lilly is about two seasons overdue for his usual collapse. Here's hoping.

Can Fukudome rebound? Some experiment he turned out to be, huh? Reed Johnson hit better, Gathright fields better, and Bradley has taken over RF. If he's going to rebound, he's going to have to do it in spurts, because he's not going to get the chance to be an everyday OF. Even so, I think he's got serious potential to put up solid numbers (.280 AVG, 18 HR) given the chance. He could be (and should be) the leadoff hitter the Cubs have been looking for.

Depth? With DeRosa gone, an injury to Ramirez could be fatal. Likewise, Bradley is injury prone and the Cubs should take care in using him in a non-DH league (not every day play). Oh, and an injury to Soto takes a big bat out of the lineup as well. Given that information, depth could very well be their undoing.

Who closes? Marmol lost the job...sorta. You had better believe that there's going to be a controversy if Gregg shows the slightest signs of trouble. Throw in the fact that Marmol has been prepping for this role FOREVER, and things could get interesting in a month.

Zambrano wants to destroy Wrigley

I SHIT ON YOU, WRIGLEY FIELD! JUST WATCH!

Somebody busted out the crazy sauce, because a Cubs player wants to blow up Wrigley and no one has busted out the torches and pitchforks. After seeing what a non-shithole looks like in the New Yankees Stadium, Carlos Zambrano had this to say after the game:

“You wish that Chicago’d build a new stadium for the Cubs.”

Really? You mean that pissing into a trough just doesn't have the same mass appeal? What about the whole "stadium is falling apart and reeks of shit" angle? I always thought that was part of the Cubs "legend."

“People are used to Wrigley Field,” he said. “As a fan it’s hard to think of a new ballpark.”

And there's the problem. No one should have to be "used to" Wrigley Field's issues. I have no complaints about there being a certain "old timey" effect to the park, and that's all well and good. But let's be real here - the place is a shithole and a dump. You can't even smell how bad Ronnie Woo Woo reeks because he blends into the other stenches of the ballpark.

Even though there isn't a chance in hell of the Cubs building another stadium (expect Wrigley to get landmark status within the next 10 years), we can still dream about the following advancements, can't we?

#1. Memories of 100 Years. The Yankees have their Monument Park, dedicated to the retired numbers of players past. The Cubs can have a couple of great sections from the last 100 years - "The Curse Breakers (all the crazy shit the Cubs have done to try and break the curse - from the Holy Water incident to blowing up the Bartman ball)." The "Scapegoats" - Bartman, Gonzalez, and the rest of the choke gang. Oh, and a special exhibit dedicated to Sosa - everything from that time he "accidentally" corked his bat, to the time he required a translator for Congress, to the fact that he couldn't find RF unless that discolored patch was on the grass.

#2. Suicide Booths. Why go through the trouble of watching the whole season just for the crushing defeat that is the playoffs? For a mere $5, you can save yourself the trouble with the Suicide Booth. Two for one deals are hot in October!

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Suicide Booth - Skip to the halfway mark
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#3. A dome. If Wrigley is going to continue smelling like shit, there's no reason to let it ruin the neighborhood. Close the dome after games and let the stink fester. If that doesn't encourage cleanliness, then I don't know what will.

#4. Directional Heat Lamps. Other than the beer, the girls are a huge Wrigley draw. But on those cold days, it's just not a proper baseball experience. If there were a way to transmit drunkeness through the air, I would say that the two go hand in hand:



#5. Individual Urinals. Seriously - it's time.

Baseball - It's Coming!

Oh, come on. Did you really think I would waste such a chance to make such an awesome gif?

Bwahahaha

I believe that jacket belongs to Mr. Gilmore!

Cubs:

Well, Miltron Bradley is proving his usefulness and durability in the DH-free NL by getting hurt in his first at-bat. If you have to get lifted for a pinch runner on a walk, you know it's going to be a long season. Sure, it's a "tweaked quad" now, but Kerry Wood has a "stiff back" for the Tigers - do you really think it's just a couple days of rest?

As for the rest of the Cubs, Joey "I Jump Cars" Gathright had a huge 3/3 afternoon, Houffpair got another hit, and Aaron Miles got his first RBI of the spring. Marshall, Gaudin and Marmol each gave up a run as they shook off the rust, but none of them looked particularly dominating.

Sox:

First win! Whoo! The whole pitching staff pitched well -Floyd, Egbert, Carrasco, and Broadway gabe up one run total over 8 innings. DJ Carrasco was especially (and unusually) impressive. Brent Lillebridge had a nice outing both offensively and defensively, and a catcher named "Miller" went 3/3 - although I really shouldn't be discounting any catcher in ST right now seeing as we have no set backup behind AJ (signs point to Armstrong).

Oh, and most importantly, Brian Anderson had a hit and scored a run. I'm seriously not going to give up on him until he stops giving good media quotes.

Spring Training Recap

Sox:
The Sox still have no bonafide leadoff hitter. My crush from last season, Brian Anderson, has yet to live up to the attention I waste on him, and he doesn't have the hitting down to lead of. Still, I need to obsess over SOMEone at the beginning of the season as a legit prospect...Jerry Owens?

Really?

Well, Owens went 1/3 with a nice single and steal in the first. If he can stay healthy AND get on base, he might be a nice surprise this season...just like Joe Borchard was supposed to be a nice surprise every season. Ugh.

Aside from that, Fields, Pierzynski, Alexei Ramirez and Jayson Nix seem to be making a point so far with solid hitting and speed. The majority of our pitching also had a nice game, especially Ehren Wasserman with a nice 3K inning. On the flip side, Octavio Dotel got lit up (3 ER in 1 IP) to open the floodgates.

Cubs
When the going gets tough, the Cubs get the lumber. A tough outing for Jeff Smarmarmadzimajarm (2ER, 2IP, lots of extra bases) turned into an offensive blitz for the Cubs. Hoffpaiur drove in four and had a massive bomb to get the Cubs back in it, and they never relented. Theriot, Soriano and Soto put in strong showings as well. No one that's going to make the team really pitched today, so not much to report there.

Is it time for baseball yet???

Cubs Fleeced

Don't give me that attitude, Mr. Pitching Hand, I need you right now.

Aaron Heilman is a lot of things. He's a flexible pitcher, he's coming to the Cubs, and he's had success in the past. What he is NOT, however, is any sort of steal for the Cubs. Rather, the Cubs actually seem to have gotten fleeced on this last trade, sending Cedeno and recently acquired Garrett Olsen to the Mets for Heilman.

Let's break it down into the main components:

#1. Cedeno. With Aaron Miles on the team, they already have a Cedeno clone. Miles can play all the infield positions, and can probably hit better than .269. However, since the Cubs are actually looking at only Theriot, Fontenot, or Miles in the reserve infield, they have very little depth in comparison to last year where they had 5 reserve infielders who could all play. Rest is a good thing, you know.

#2. Olsen. Olsen actually looks to have a lot of potential. He's young, has good stuff in the minors, and really just needed a change of scenery to break through. I don't think New York is the place to do it, but you never know. He definately has more upside than...

#3. Heilman. This guy is 30, coming off of a terrible season, and is apparently a whiny bitch. He wanted to start, so he's going to the Cubs...a club that is even MORE stacked with starters? There's a great idea. Heilman has topped 100 IP only once in his career (to contrast, Zambrano tops 100 IP once a week). Expect Heilman to work out of the bullpen and be a poor man's Scott Eyre (the bad kind).

Way to get fleeced, North Siders.

A Better Investment

One wipe for every Fukudome swing

To buy the Cubs, it takes $900 million. NINE-HUNDRED-MILLION DOLLARS. Good lord that's a lotta money! When you think about it, that's a pretty excessive investment for a team that's best known for losing. It's a waste of money in the extreme.

Here's some more useful things you can buy for $900 million:

Half of the New Yankee Stadium
3 brand new renovated Soldier Fields
4,283 naturally retarded ostriches
90 million copies of The Last Dragon
Repair Bulgaria's trade defecit - twice!
32 more years of Alex Rodriguez (at the current rate, no less!)
180 more years of Devin Hester

348,399,443 nights with Keggers
225 "I'm sorry for totally raping that girl" rings.
More than enough money to have Polka wiped off the face of the earth
36 billion game credits for that 6-player X-Men Arcade game
Some non-Rose talent for the Bulls
8 ZJs
14 different operations for Mickey Rourke's face

Man, someone get that family an investment agent, stat!

OH SHIT.

They look like such a nice family. It's too bad that I now have to hate them passionately.

BREAKING: Ricketts family is picked as the winning bidder for the Cubs.

I was really hoping that the asshole business mogul that hadn't seen a baseball game since the negro leagues would win out, but it looks like the Cubs are getting the pick of the litter. Really, if I were a Cubs fan, I couldn't be happier with the results here.

First of all, Tom Ricketts (the one with the winning bid) is actually a Cubs fan, not just some asshole who wanted to make a buck. He grew up in Wrigleyville, watched the Cubs on TV, and probably had lots of sex with men in Boystown. He's all Chicago.

Second, the stadium comes with the Cubs. All the "amenities" are secured, such as the field falling apart, suing Under Armor over ads, and the trough to piss in. Hot chicks are a lock for Summer, and Ronnie Woo Woo will still know where to go to be annoying.

Finally, Ricketts is an owner who will let management do what's best for the team, and not meddle inbetween because they play favorites or have a certain style when doling out money (see: Jerry Reinsdorf, Mark Cuban, Steinbrenners). He seems very down to earth with his wealth, and will likely shell out for whatever Piniella thinks he needs to win.

Goddamn it.

And THAT is why you don't mess with the A's

I feel better than ever!

There's a commonly understood fact about baseball, and that is that the Oakland A's know when to hold em and when to fold em. This ability is magnified by 1,000 when dealing with pitchers, and also enables them to extract prospects from nothingness. Case in point: Rich Harden's torn rotator cuff.

Let's look at the facts: Mark Mulder, Barry Zito, Tim Hudson, Dan Haren, and Rich Harden were all once considered aces in any pitching staff. As Oakland moved pitchers, there was an interesting trend. Let's follow down the line here, shall we?

Mark Mulder: After the 2004 season, Mulder goes to St. Louis for Dan Haren, Daric Barton and Kiko Calero. He has one good year in 2005, and then in 2006 had what appeared to be minor rotator cuff problems. Mulder took a quick trip to the DL, and has since pitched a combined 104 innings in three years with his BEST ERA being 7.14. The Cardinals recently announced that they're buying out his contract.

Barry Zito: Zito was an absolute machine for the A's through 2006, when there were concerns that his curveball was losing its bite. Billy Beane probably should have traded Zito at the deadline (there were rumors that the A's would have gotten Lastings Milledge), but whatever. Zito signs with the Giants for a then-record $126-million contract...and sucks. His first season going from the AL to NL (normally a way to make a pitcher BETTER), Zito's ERA shot up from 3.83 to 4.53. In 2008, it ballooned to 5.15. The Giants probably wish they could get this one back.

Tim Hudson: If there's a way to reverse the Oakland curse, Hudson serves to be the example of the antidote. After five dominating years in Oakland, Hudson was sent to the Braves for Charles Thomas, Dan Meyer, and Juan Cruz. Hudson had a great first year, and then started the slide with a 4.86 ERA in 2006. Somehow, some way, the Braves recognized and fixed the problem, and Hudson rebounded in 2007. Unfortunately, as with the A's, if the pitcher just doesn't "lose his stuff", he gets hurt. Case in point, Hudson got Tommy John Surgery towards the end of last season, missed the rest of 2008, and will likely miss most of 2009.

Dan Haren: A much shorter story on this one, but Haren - who was acquired for Mulder back in the day - was sent to the Diamondbacks for Carlos Gonzalez, Brett Anderson, Aaron Cunningham, Greg Smith, Dana Eveland, and Chris Carter. Rest assured, at least one of those guys will turn out to be something useful. As for Haren, he pitched well last season, his first season with the new team. Then, strangely, towards the end of the season, Haren seemed to be fatigued...or even - gasp - HURT. Jury is still out on this one, but expect a dip in the stats this season.

Finally, that brings us full circle to Harden. Thus far, 3/4 ain't bad for Billy Beane, especially when they crash and burn like Mulder. Tell me if this sounds familiar - Harden pitches well for the Cubs in his first year with a new team. Then, at the start of year two, has a rotator cuff injury. Couple this with the Cubs' propensity to destroy pitchers by grinding them into dust. Glimpse into the future: Harden's recovery is rushed, Mark Prior part deux.

Oh, and Sean Gallagher becomes an All-Star pitcher who is then traded just a year before he craps out...yadda yadda yadda and the cycle goes on.

Moral of the story? Stay the hell away from the A's.